


A Dimming Flame

by Psilocybinlemon



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2020-11-27 20:42:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 114,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20954615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psilocybinlemon/pseuds/Psilocybinlemon
Summary: ”There’s one thing you’ve failed to understand. You can love a monster, and the monster can love you back, but love doesn't change its nature. You’re allowed to have him, love him, but it’s not enough. You’re allowed to watch the night swallow him whole, welcome his wrath when he begins to change. You're allowed to lick your wounds when he hurts you again, and count the lights in his eyes as they blink out - you’re not allowed to save him. No light in this world can cast away the darkness within him.”E.N.D. The vilest of Zeref's creations. Ruthless, cunning demon with the deadliest bloodlust. The harbinger of doom.Never would have Natsu known he'd find the enemy of mankind within himself, but as a series of immeasurable losses awakens the darkness within him, he's forced to face the truth. Dwelling power from the shadows, the dimming of his inner light, the darkness grows into terrifying measures as he's slowly driven into fulfilling his destiny - killing his immortal creator.Then, on the edge of the world, Natsu meets Zeref's apprentice, who seeks to save him from his cruel fate. Despite being demons in their own context, they become angels in each other's stories. At least for a while.





	1. PROLOGUE: HEARTS WIDE SHUT

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, and welcome! I recommend reading or watching the complete series first if you don't want any spoilers. This starts at the end of the Tartaros arc and goes its own path immediately after the prologue.
> 
> This is a story about E.N.D overthrowing Natsu's real self and his fight against the inner demon. Will he be able to overcome the darkness, restore his happiness and live his life as a human? Will it be worth anything in the end?
> 
> This story might not be for you if you're **sensitive to depression, suicide, self-harm, mentions of weight-loss and unhealthy thinness due to illness, swearing, psychological abuse, character deaths, graphic violence and gore.** This isn't a happy or light-hearted story by any means, and will not have a happy ending, but bittersweet. Quit reading if something unsettles or triggers you.  
And if you hate to see Natsu with anyone else than Lucy, this story might not be for you either. However, this story doesn't circle around ships in the first place, but just a little head's up. 
> 
> Fairy Tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, and the quotes at the beginning of each chapter belong to the artists mentioned. Special thanks for Swallow the Sun for providing the gloom, beauty and despair which inspired this fic!  


_"Whoever is sentenced to love will bow down as a servant of sorrow"_  
Swallow the Sun - Servant of Sorrow

It came like a crack of electric light from the grey, darkened sky. Without any warning, the torn body of a dragon fell from the clouds and hit to the ground with a gravity of the mountains. The sound of the impact echoed in the barren wasteland and the earth quaked under Natsu’s feet. Drops of blood rained on the dragonslayer’s pink hair, and everything in his vision went white as he watched Igneel die.  
His dreams flashed before his eyes as they were erased from his life.  
Natsu fell onto his knees on the edge of the crater where the dead dragon had landed. All these years Natsu had been searching for his father. And now when he finally found Igneel, Acnologia stole him away, leaving so many questions unanswered and so many words unspoken. Alone and numb, Natsu gazed the tattered corpse of his father and cried.  
"Dad... you promised, right? That you wouldn't go anywhere... you can't break that promise... I've been looking for you all this time…"  
Tears welled up in his eyes, rolled down on his cheeks and vaporized the moment they hit the rocky earth. His body trembled in terror, his stomach cramped like he was going to throw up. He stared at the unmoving dragon, hoping with all of his heart that he would somehow move, breathe, show any sign of being alive. Minutes passed in eerie silence, but Igneel stayed perfectly still.   
The bright whiteness in his vision faded away as his heart came to understand the reality, which Igneel was no longer a part of.   
It was the loneliest moment of his life.  
"I can read now and write... I can use magic a lot better now... I've made a lot of friends and done a lot of jobs..."  
He struggled to catch his breath from his weeping. As the sharpest shock faded, emotions began to pour over him. Anger, confusion and sorrow took a shape of formless darkness and captured his heart into a crushing fist from which there would be no escape.   
Happiness was such a fragile thing. It could turn into dust in a matter of mere minutes, never to be restored again.  
"I got a lot more I wanted to tell you, Igneel!"  
The burning fire inside him dimmed and the falling tears no longer turned to steam. With no source of inner light to guide him, to tell right from wrong, the only thing he could grasp was vengeance. In the shadows his heart had sunken into, avenging Igneel’s death was the only path he could follow.   
He stood up, gaining strength from the dark, and made up his mind.  
"I'm gonna get a lot stronger, then I'm going to take Acnologia down!"  
At that moment, the voices of his friends faded. What guided him from there forward wasn’t love nor friendship anymore. It was hate that gave him the strength to move forward. Natsu pulled Igneel’s scarf from his shoulders and went to find the others, his heart wide shut.

A grave silence fell when Natsu appeared, covered in dirt and blood. Happy followed his trail with a distraught look in his eyes. A sinister, pitch-black aura surrounded Natsu and every hint of joy had vanished from his very essence. He carried the scarf made from Igneel’s scales in his arms, the sacred scarf he had never been seen without.   
Natsu abandoned the scarf into Master Makarov’s hands.   
”I cannot wear it before I have defeated Acnologia”, Natsu whispered to him. ”Keep it safe until then.”  
Then he left with the blue cat, and nothing was heard of him until one gloomy day of the next fall when Happy returned to Lucy.   
Alone, and completely crushed.

### CHAPTER 1: WINGS OF A DRAGON

_”Then from the dark, a small glimmering light did appear_  
_With the trembling wing of a butterfly_  
_It shone a light into my night_  
_A halo of a childish hope, reaching_  
_From somewhere, long since gone”_  
Swallow the Sun – Empires of Loneliness

There was nothing but a single step in between him and eternity.  
Natsu stood on the precipice and stared right into the darkness spreading wide in front of him. A frigid Northen breeze blew from the canyon straight to his face, nibbling his cheeks like needles. The sun had set behind the mountains a while ago and all light had escaped from the world. There were no singing birds, no chirring grasshoppers, only an eerie silence and the howling of the wind.  
The black, tattered coat swayed in the wind as he bent forward to peek the chasm below him. When he was a child, he used to love the highs. He loved riding on Igneel’s back as he flew upon the mountains. And now, when the burden of his thoughts crushed his chest, the sight of the void lifted the gravity from his shoulders a bit. Knowing that he could end it all with a single step forward alleviated his agony. For the first and last time, he would gain the wings of a dragon. But still, he hesitated.  
Today was the seventh time Natsu returned to the cliff with the same intention. Each night before he had turned back and gone to the old hunting cabin in which he had stayed for a fortnight. Each time he had hoped to feel better once the night had passed and a new day dawned, but he didn’t. Tomorrow had been worse. The sorrow plaguing his mind didn't go away, didn't let him rest. And today, Natsu was not going to turn back, no matter how frightened he was – what he feared more than death was living one more day in the hell Igneel’s death had thrown him into. Not even vengeance fueled his fire anymore. He no longer found reasons to pray for a better tomorrow, for his dreams, hopes and the light of the morning had been separated from him.  
Natsu sat down on the edge and swayed his feet in the open air. A few rocks detached from the crag and fell into the abyss, so far below Natsu didn’t even hear them hit to the ground. There had to be at least a hundred, maybe a thousand feet of free fall below him. A few minutes and then he would follow the rocks to his grave. It was strange how sitting here at the edge of the dark and at the end of life eased his mind enough to make question his decision over and over again. A thousand what-ifs and would its floated through his head.  
_What if I would be happy again someday? __Would someone miss me if I died? __  
__ Would anyone even care? __Would anyone even notice?  
_Alongside with fear, the promise he gave to Happy a month ago was one of the reasons he had turned back. Natsu had sent Happy away because couldn't stand the sadness in his best friend’s eyes – Natsu knew that one day the demons would win, and he didn’t want Happy to be there when it happened. However, Natsu had promised to come back to the guild. Even though it had been a lie, it still kept him from leaping to the unknown. Maybe that was the only thing left of him – the real Natsu always kept his word. But now, he was going to break that promise.  
The cold wind had frozen his fingers numb and white, and the one tear he had shed stung on his frostbitten cheeks. As he stared into the darkness, one by one the what-if and would its faded, leaving him with an empty mind. There would be an interval of darkness, then everything would go bright again. Natsu stiffened his arms to push him over the edge, but then he remembered one more thing. It was the last rule for someone leaving Fairy Tail.  
_ Though our paths may have diverged, you must continue to live out your life with all your might, you must never consider your own life to be something insignificant, and you must never forget about your friends for as long as you live._  
Biting himself to the tongue, he relaxed his muscles and sat back to the edge. Once in the past, he had said those exact words to Mystogan, and now he failed to live up to his own words. He had failed to keep his promise and forgotten his friends and the spirit of the guild. The moment had finally come. He asked himself the last questions before he would go.  
”Is there still anything worth reaching for?”  
It was the first time he spoke in weeks, and his voice was quiet and rough. The wind howled loudly in the distance as if giving him an answer in a language he did not understand. It didn’t matter what the wind had to say – his heart said no.  
”Any light or goodness worth holding on to?”  
His words broke and were left to echo in the obscurity. Natsu breathed in the dark glow and stiffened his arms again. He stared down to the bottomless pit, remembering again having loved the highs the most as a child. Now, the love for highs had a grimmer meaning. And again, his heart said no.  
”Could I get a second chance?”  
Tears welled up in his eyes and his heart drummed rapidly in his chest as adrenaline began to flow through his veins. Even though his mind was screaming to let go, he still had a body of an animal, trying its best to stay alive. But still, his heart said no.  
And a second before Natsu closed his eyes and leaned into the nothingness, a small fire was ignited far, far below. It burst like the brightest star, shattering the veil of his perfect, soft darkness. The distance between him and the bottom made him shiver in fear. He ran out of breath and the fright froze his muscles. No matter how hard he wanted to jump, his body refused to move. The survival instinct took over his body, sending his tormented mind in turmoil. He cursed to himself with most vile words he knew, trying to find the strength to push himself over the edge, but he couldn’t.

”Never thought there would be a queue for suicide”, a frail voice said behind him. ”We are living dark times, aren’t we?”  
Startled, Natsu turned his head towards the voice. He hadn’t sensed anyone coming and had expected to be able to be perfectly alone up here. Dumbfounded, he halted and stared at the stranger who had appeared from the dark. In the darkness, he perceived nothing but the thin outlines of the person, and a pale face against the dark forest. The girl looked like a black moth as her clothes wavered in the wind.  
”It’s not a queue”, Natsu hissed. ”There’s plenty of room on the edge if you want to go. Now, leave me alone.”  
Natsu realised he had stopped breathing the moment he heard her voice. Painfully she dragged him away from the only place in which he was at peace. His chest ached and his stomach turned into a nest of restless snakes. He would be already flying if not for her. She was nothing but a disturbance, a delay on his way to freedom. But what frustrated him the most was that the courage to jump had passed, and all his determination to die vanished into the wind.  
”I’ve heard that the shock will kill you before you hit the ground”, the stranger told him. ”But you are not going to do it. You are only flirting with the thought.”  
Her words did nothing but confuse him even more. The dark clouds on the sky parted and the moon shone gentle, gloomy light on the cliff.  
"Can you just go, please?” Natsu pleaded the stranger in frustration. ”I really would like to die alone.”  
”It would be more poetic that way, I’ll give you that.”  
The moonlight danced on Natsu’s pink hair, grown long enough to reach his shoulders, and revealed the features of the stranger. She was a young lady, maybe around twenty, who looked more exhausted and tired than she sounded like. She was wearing a black dress and carried a leather bag on her shoulder. Messy, dark brown curls framed her round, pale face. There was something in her large, black eyes which made Natsu uneasy. Maybe it was the way she analyzed him as if she was trying to remember who he was. Natsu wanted her gone. The wings of a dragon he had been about to gain turned to dust and withered from her sight.  
”I can push you over the edge if that's what you want”, Natsu told the stranger with anger bubbling inside him. ”Or send you flying with a fire dragon’s iron fist, if you prefer.”  
Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. Her gaze felt intrusive on his skin like she could see right into his broken soul.  
”You are… You are Natsu Dragneel”, she discovered and the expression on her face changed as if she had put the final piece of the puzzle in place. She tried to hold herself together the best she could, but the exhaustion started to take over her. She fell to her knees and stared at him in awe. Natsu did not understand who she was or what she was doing up here. Had she come to end her life as well? Whatever the reason was, the fact that she knew his name disturbed him deeply.  
”Trust me, there is nothing in the world that you can say to make me stay -”  
”I believe this belongs to you!” she said with her final strength and pulled something white from her bag. Natsu’s heart skipped a beat.  
It was Igneel’s scarf.


	2. A MOCKERY OF FATE

_”But the night trembled my heart,_  
_For black wings moved upon me._  
_Hoping for my time to come,_  
_I closed my eyes and took a deep breath._  
_But like every night before, death did not come._  
_The wings, they moved and danced._  
_As a butterfly, they kept dancing,_  
_Dancing around my candle.”_  
Swallow the Sun – The Plague of Butterflies

The bright full moon cast its rays through a dusty window of an old cottage, which stood alone on a low hill where the pine forest ended. The original owner of the shack had kept it ascetic. It was only one room with a sleeping alcove and a stone fireplace in the corner opposite the door, furnished with nothing but a table with two benches, a cabinet and a small bed.  
The glimmering light touched the pink hair of a dragonslayer sitting still on the wooden floor listening to his heart pounding like a war drum. Fire danced in the hearth, slowly eating up the wood and turning it into heat and smoke. The flames created moving shadows to the walls of the room. The shadows touched the face of the woman sleeping in the alcoved bed, buried under many woollen blankets.  
Natsu leaned into his hands and dwelled deeper into his conflicted thoughts. The dawn would break at any minute and cast its gloomy light upon the world, but Natsu had not slept at all. He tried to put everything together, but the pieces fell through his fingers and turned into ashes from his touch. Only the angry beating of his heart echoing in his ears reminded him that he was still alive; otherwise, he felt completely numb.  
The girl had passed out the moment she pulled Igneel’s scarf from her bag. Natsu had stood on the edge of the dark like a dead tree, still and stripped from its leaves. She gave no explanation, no nothing – she just fainted and fell to the ground. His shock had quickly turned into an apoplectic rage. A while ago he had been ready to leave it all behind, but the sight of Igneel’s scarf in the stranger’s hands ignited flaming wrath to the void of his heart.  
Natsu had yelled at her so loudly that the sleeping birds on the trees took fright and flit away. He had grabbed her from the shoulders and shook her so fiercely that her neck almost ruptured, even slapped her to the cheek, but she did not wake up. A red, bleeding mark was left on her face where Natsu had hit her. Her skin had been so frigid she could have been mistaken for a corpse; she must have been out there in the cold for a long time.  
In the faint moonlight, Natsu had noticed numerous lacerations and bruises on her bare legs and hands; he understood that if he wanted answers, he had to keep her alive. He had to put aside the urge to kill her right there. What had angered him the most was that Master had promised to keep the scarf safe. What the hell had happened? If he wanted to know, he had no other choice but to postpone his death for now and take her to shelter, or she would take the answers with her to the grave. Natsu had lifted her realising that the oversized clothes gave a false impression of her; in reality, she was light and fragile like a little bird. He had carried her through the pine forest to the cabin, placed her in the bed under the blankets and put a fire in the hearth. Since then he had been sitting in front of the fire. The rage had already faded away leaving him with nothing but a hollow heart wondering what had truly happened. In the hundreds of questions, why and how occurred the most in his head.  
”Why did you have Igneel’s scarf...” Natsu asked the sleeping girl. ”How did you know my name?”  
She did not answer.

Natsu examined the scarf in the dim, orange light radiating from the fireplace. It looked the same as before. Not a single yarn had stained nor came untied, but it smelled different. The smell of smoke and sweat had been replaced with feminine white flowers and vanilla as it had caught the stranger’s fragrance. It smelled somehow familiar now as if maybe some of the ladies back in the guild used the same perfume.  
Natsu glanced over his shoulder to the girl sleeping quietly in the bed. Wavy bangs covered her forehead and a segment of her shoulder-length curls was clued to the dried blood on her cheek. The firelight made her skin look less ashen than it had looked outside, but her heart-shaped face was still pale, and her lips had cracked and bled on her sharp chin. The blankets hid everything else of her except for her head and left hand holding the edge of the duvet. Her wrist was as thin as a branch and her fingers looked like a pale spider’s legs.  
Even though she was utterly unknown to him, she resembled someone he knew. Maybe it was because it had been months since he had seen a human face. He had been away from the guild for too long and forgotten the faces of his friends, committing the heaviest of all sins.   
Natsu pressed the white scarf against his chest. It gave him both comfort and grief as it brought back painful, but precious memories. In a conflicted way he was glad to have it back, but at the same time, he felt guilty for holding it again. He had sworn not to take it back before Acnologia had been dealt with. The scarf was another count to the promises he had broken; it had become the culmination of his failures, a mockery of fate.  
Natsu’s chin started to shiver. He clutched his fingers into the white scales and a lone tear dropped on the scarf. Even though he hadn’t physically crossed the line between life and death, somehow he knew his life would never be the same after this night. Knowing that he had stood on the edge and almost dove in was enough to change the way he perceived things; his time had already ended and a part of him had died, but still, he continued his existence in a world made of fragile glass and ashes of the burnt-out flame. It was like living on borrowed time. For a few seconds, his mind had entered the interval of darkness – and returned there, forever changed. He had believed to never again feel anything, but now, as the memories of his father flooded into his mind, longing struck his heart with the fullest force ever.  
”I miss you, dad”, he whispered and closed his eyes. ”I miss you so badly!” More drops came to follow the first one, and he wept until the scarf was soaked with tears.  
A moment before the sunrise he finally fell asleep, hoping for Igneel to be there if he would ever wake up again.

In his dream, he died.  
In the alternate version of reality created by his confused brain, the light never flashed in the distance and he dived headfirst into the abysmal emptiness. There was nothing but silence when the terror struck him as he fully came to understand what he had done. The loud rush of wind abated, time slowed down as the fall went on and on and on like there would be no bottom at all. He turned his head to the sky. The stars stayed at the same size as he fell, creating an illusion of staying still. Then he relaxed a bit; it wasn’t that bad to die like this. Falling gave him a comfortable sensation of floating and supporting as the air pressured against his body. Did it feel like this to fly like a dragon? He hovered down tranquilly like a falling leaf, spinning in the air.  
The perfect illusion shattered faster than he expected. There were no wings of a dragon to carry him, and his body met the stony ground with a weight of a meteor falling from the sky. There was a flash of the most extreme pain of his life and then, everything went black when he died.  
But his consciousness persisted.  
The dawn broke in the horizon, enlightening the pool of blood spreading under the body of a pink-haired young man. The sun cast its light on the pale face which had miraculously survived unscathed from the fall, but each bone that had broken made his position look deformed and unnatural. The sight made Natsu sick. It took a second to realise that it was his own body lying lifeless on the ground. Who had once been Natsu Dragneel, was no more. It was an empty, useless vessel. But he saw it – he saw himself from _above._  
Natsu no longer had arms, legs or a face. He was a formless ghost lingering in the gloomy morning light like a cloud of mist, right above his former body. Panic spread over his soul; nothing had changed except that he had been separated from flesh and blood. The pain was still there with his tormented memories; all of his misery had been preserved in his consciousness.  
_ This cannot be happening!__ Why am I still here? __This is not what I wanted!  
_ A black moth appeared from the morning mist and flew softly right through him. It was then when he realised he had gotten stuck into the interval between life and death. An unthinkable worst-case scenario had turned into reality. Distraught and comfortless, he realised that no matter how bad his life had been, he would have chosen life over than this. Immeasurable regret stuck him with full force. The black moth turned towards him and said in Igneel’s voice:  
”This is not what I wanted, Natsu.”  
Natsu wanted to answer, but no words came out, for he no longer had a mouth to speak with. Black wings glimmered in the light of the sunrise.  
_ This is not what I wanted either!_  
"Natsu, I wanted to see you grow up. I wanted to see how strong you would get. I wanted to see how you would live on after me!”  
_ Dad…_  
And again, the black moth flew through him and landed on the core of his existence. It stayed there for a while, offering him comfort and hope he hadn’t felt in ages. Then, tears rolled down from the dead man’s eyes as Natsu’s soul burst into weeping. He would do anything to reverse the mistake he had done, he would endure anything to make this nightmare go away. But it was already done, an irreversible fate he could no longer escape. This was the new eternity he had to face. He wept helplessly like a little child.  
The black moth flew closer to the bloodied corpse and changed form into a human. It turned into a young, slender woman in a black dress. A segment of her brown curls was glued to her cheek with dried blood and her large, dark eyes were full of sorrow. She was carrying a white scarf made from dragon’s scales in her arms. The woman kneeled upon the dead body and placed the scarf around its neck. Then, she looked straight into Natsu’s soul and said:  
”You are crying, Natsu. Wake up.”

Natsu awakened to the feeling of something soft landing to his cheek. Flinching, scared out from his wits, he searched the room with his eyes as the rush of adrenaline forced his heart to beat in an erratic rhythm. He recognised the fireplace, the empty bed and his own hands; it was a relief to be back in his own body. Slowly he came to understand that it had been just a nightmare, but it had felt so horribly real it shook his very core. He struggled to catch his breath, and his arms and legs were on fire as blood flowed back to them, tickling and stinging.  
Something still tickled his cheek. Natsu sat up and a large, black butterfly flit from his face towards the open window from which the pale sunlight flooded into the room. A silhouette of a petite lady stood in front of the light on the other side of the room, looking out from a window. The butterfly landed on the bloodstain on her cheek. Natsu stared at the black moth in horror - it was the same that appeared in his dream. The woman took the moth in her hand and helped it to freedom through the window.  
”You were crying in your sleep”, she said calmly and turned towards him, closing the window.  
Traces of salt tingled on his cheeks and his eyes stung as he blinked. The scarf he still held tightly in his hands was wet as if it had absorbed every tear he had shed during the night. Embarrassed, he rubbed his face with his fists before standing up.  
A pair of black eyes stared at him as expressionlessly and lifelessly as a doll’s. She had appeared in his nightmare just like that, looking directly into his soul with her mysterious eyes. Even the bloodstain on her face was the same as if she had crossed the line between the dream world and reality. It was the scariest thing Natsu had faced in a while.  
”You stayed”, the stranger said when Natsu stood there in silence. ”You said there’s nothing in the world I could say to make you stay, but you stayed. Why?”  
The tone of her voice revealed absolutely nothing about her, and neither did her body language. She was like a closed book, completely sealed and preserved. Then Natsu remembered why she was there. And why he was there, too. Without her, his dream would have turned into reality. Natsu still hadn’t decided if it was a good or a bad thing.  
_ It wasn’t what you said, but what you did._  
Disturbed by his dream, Natsu kept some distance to her. He glanced at the scarf in his hands. All he wanted was answers, then she would be free to go. Natsu wanted her gone as soon as possible. Something in her just wasn’t right, and the fact that she had invaded his dream unsettled him even more. The anger that was left undone yesterday was waking up inside him.  
”Are you a shapeshifter who can pass through someone’s dreams?” Natsu asked abruptly. His voice was rough and dry from all the tears he had shed last night. ”Because that black butterfly was there in my dream.”  
She raised her eyebrows quickly and looked out from the window again.  
”Unfortunately I am not”, she answered. The black butterfly attached to the glass casting its shadow on her face. It was truly a large moth; its shadow covered her nose and left eye completely. ”You were crying when I woke up. Are you scared of butterflies?”  
There was no denying he had cried. The dream had truly been one of the most horrible dreams he ever had. But he feared not the moth; he feared what it could mean, and the fact that it had been there when he woke up.  
”It symbolises death”, Natsu said quietly. ”And in my dream, I had died. Then the moth appeared, spoke to me with the voice of my dead father, and then it turned into you.”  
The moth flew away again and the woman’s eyes followed it.  
”Not your death”, she thought. ”It means that something in you dies, but you survive. It symbolises transition, renewal and second chances.”  
Natsu looked at her from under his brows. Last night Natsu had wondered if he would ever get a second chance to live his life again. She saying that eased the atmosphere in Natsu’s mind a little, but there was no more time for riddles and metaphors of butterflies. He wanted to know how the scarf had ended up in her hands.  
”Why did you have this scarf?” his voice cracked dryly when he spoke. ”How did you get it?”  
”Makarov Dreyar gave it to me”, she answered coldly. ”Before he died.”  
Natsu’s stomach dropped and his eyes widened. His peaceful surface began to crack from the steam of rage.  
”Died? Did you… kill him?”  
She said nothing. Natsu’s hands started to shiver and his blood began to boil. It was the blankness of her face which provoked the anger inside him. He pressed his hands into fists and tried his best to remain calm and figure out this grim situation with brains before brawn. She was so fragile that she’d shatter if he’d lie a hand on her. Natsu hoped it wouldn’t go to that, but he knew his tendency to lose control way too well.  
”Just… Who the hell are you? What did you do to Master? How did you know me? How did you know where I was? Without you, I would have been released from this hell already, you creepy bitch!” Natsu spat those words out like venom, but she stayed still like a statue, angering him even more. Fear and desperation came out as anger as they always did. It was easier to be angry than vulnerable.  
”WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?”  
He no longer could keep his wrath at bay. Natsu enveloped his fist into a fire and charged at her, screaming. She stayed perfectly calm and kept her eyes precisely on the dragonslayer. Right before his fist hit her cheek, she grabbed his flaming wrist and the magic died from his hand.  
”Listen to me, Natsu Dragneel”, she commanded coldly. ”Listen very carefully.”  
Natsu froze in astonishment; her touch had no strength, her hold was weak and powerless, but it blocked the flow of his magic completely. The authority of her essence took him by the surprise – it was similar to the power Erza had over him. Natsu yanked his arm from her fingers and backed away. The blankness in her eyes was replaced with a strict, harsh look which put fear in Natsu’s heart. Natsu sat down to the wooden bench and buried his face into his hands. He closed his eyes, ashamed for losing his temper once again, and prepared for any punishment she would give to him. He had learned from Erza that pissing off the wrong person usually ended up painfully.

But suddenly a gentle hand touched his shoulder and a comforted him, similar to the way he felt in the dream when the moth landed on his soul. It lasted less than a second and then the hand was gone. Natsu peeked from between his fingers to the stranger who sat at the bench opposite him.  
”You are just sad, not angry”, she said. ”But please, try to stay calm.”  
”What do you mean?”  
”Listen to me. Makarov Dreyar told me to find you and tell you this: you have to get your guild back and prepare for war. The Western Empire is going to attack with a force Fairy Tail has no chance to defend against if you are not there with them.”  
She spoke seriously and steadily, considering each word carefully before speaking, but something in her words did not make sense to him. Natsu placed his hands to the table and gazed out from the window.  
”Get my guild back… what?”  
”Makarov disbanded Fairy Tail the day after you left”, she answered, shocking him deeply with words he had never imagined to hear. She explained it so disruptively calmly that Natsu had a hard time trying to keep his frustration at bay. His fingers shivered as he rubbed his temples.  
”What the hell?”  
”I have heard that two of your friends have already started reviving the guild, but they don’t know about the danger lies ahead. I don’t remember their names, but they were a celestial spirit wizard and the other one was a cat?”  
”… Lucy”, Natsu whispered inaudibly. It had been so long since he had last thought about her. The other one had to be Happy. Who else could it be? ”But why did the Master send you to me? Why not to them?”  
”I was the last person he had a chance to speak with before the negotiations. He was keeping your scarf and commanded me to deliver it back to you. He told me that you are a pink-haired, short-tempered young man with magic to kill the dragons. He said that all the time he held the scarf, it was struggling to get back to you. It didn’t believe it until I felt it myself – the scarf belongs to you, and eventually, it led me here.”  
”It’s made from my father’s scales”, Natsu pointed out. ”It’s not a normal scarf. Maybe that’s why. And why exactly should I go back? There are a bunch of wizards stronger than me in the guild. I’m not needed there. I’ve got my own war to fight.”  
Hearing about the guild’s disbanding touched him deeply, but he wasn’t ready to go back to his comrades. Not yet.  
”Your own war? Who do you intend to fight with?” she asked.  
Her question brought back the reason why Natsu left for this journey in the first place. But then he had spiralled into darkness and forgotten about it.  
”Acnologia and Zeref”, Natsu muttered. ”During this time, I created a technique which should be strong enough to kill the black wizard.”  
”This war will be between humans, Acnologia and Zeref, who happens to be the Emperor of the West. Guess you got your war.”  
His annoyment turned into shock and his heart skipped a beat. With those two as their opponent, Natsu realised the true danger his guild was in. He stared right into the dark eyes of the woman.  
”And… Why is Zeref going to attack our guild?”  
”Have you ever heard of the magic called Fairy Heart? It is a source of eternal, limitless magic, protected by your guild. Zeref is going to get that and use it to erase this whole timeline to go back to the time before he got immortal. He created his empire only for that purpose. He is going to erase 400 years from our time. Everyone you know is going to disappear. ”  
Steam started to rise from Natsu’s ears. The information was too much for his brain. Every answer she gave only brought up a new question.  
”What’s your role in all of this?”  
”In return for my freedom, I promised to help you win this war. I was Zeref’s disciple, after all. Now, I’m nothing but a traitor.”  
Natsu did not find a single word to answer to that. He analyzed her and wondered how the hell she could be Zeref’s disciple. Even though she was aloof and reserved, she looked fragile and innocent. Too innocent to be taught by the most murderous black wizard in history.

”Will we leave to Magnolia tomorrow?” she asked after a silence. There was no other choice but to go back, and Natsu knew that. Trying to avoid her looks, Natsu stood up and stepped in front of the window. He gazed into the distant horizon with fear. He feared to face his guildmates after everything that had happened. He feared that things would never be the same as they were before. The wound of Igneel’s death was still raw and sore, but this could have been the second chance he had secretly hoped for. Natsu had to stop dwelling in his loss and fight for what was truly important – saving his friends.  
”Hey, tell me your name”, Natsu demanded. He wouldn’t take a single step outside the door before he knew her name. She was quiet for a second.  
”Haru”, she told.  
”Haru? That’s a boy’s name. I once met a guy with that name. You are definitely a girl.”  
”You sure?”  
Natsu didn’t know what she asked that for and didn’t care, either. He wasn’t entirely sure if he could trust a person who claimed to be Zeref’s pupil.  
”So, you are going to stick with me for a while now? I’m fine with that, but don’t get on my way or annoy me. I really don’t want to fight with tiny girls like you, and I'm sorry for hitting you earlier”, he said. ”And once this war is won, you can fuck off from my life.”  
And then, the black butterfly landed on the window right in front of his nose. Natsu flinched and stepped back from the glass as the butterfly flapped its wings, casting its shadow on his face, as a reminder that sometimes fate had another plan.


	3. A BLEEDING HEART

_”I dragged all these shadows behind me_  
_Until they grew into a part of me, but I never wanted it to happen_  
_All the steps I took, I took them for the happiness of others_  
_But they all burned me down, burnt like an empty book.” _  
Swallow the Sun – From Happiness to Dust

  
_the 20th of October  
Dear diary, _

_today I heard the most heartbreaking news. Happy had heard from someone that Natsu's bloodstained clothes were found from a base of a high cliff, far North from here. This is the only thing I've heard from him since he left, along with what Happy told me.  
I'm worried out of my wits! What happened to him? Is he all right? Is he alive anymore? I cannot believe he is dead. Natsu can't die, right? He is too strong to die. There's no-one in the world who could beat him in a battle!  
I want to go after him and rescue him, but we have this important mission to do first. We have to get Fairy Tail together again, no matter what. All I can do is to trust in Natsu, but I’m so scared I can barely sleep at night. And there's one thing that bothers me: he sent Happy away. They had been together forever, through good and bad. Something is wrong with him, but what? Could Igneel's death have shaken him so much?  
Somehow I feel like everything is my fault. Why I didn't see how much it hurt him? Why I didn't tell how much I loved him? If he only knew, he would have stayed, I’m sure.  
All I want is for him to be okay, and to come back to me, so things would be like they always have been._

_Lucy_

\---  
  
The shadow of a black moth covered his eyes as he stared into the horizon, darkening his vision. The moth stayed on the window like it was waiting for something to happen. The size of it was abhorrent; it was as big as a bird, making him uncomfortable.  
The girl had gone outside to catch some fresh air a while ago, leaving him alone with his thoughts. Birds flying in the distance looked like silhouettes against the bright blue, cloudless sky. It was noon already; the sun touched the treetops and wouldn’t climb any higher today. Natsu wasn't sure of the exact date, but it had to be October already, maybe 7th or 8th day. The cabin was located far North, and up there the winter was right around the corner. Soon the first snow would fall and cover the Earth under a white veil. The moth would freeze to death and shatter in the slightest wind. It closed its wings and opened them again, flashing its shadow on his face on and off. Had it really come to this world from his dream?  
_ Not your death. It means that something in you dies, but you survive._  
The stranger's words echoed in his head like a broken record. Natsu hadn’t told her the details of the nightmare, but something about changed everything. Maybe it was the realization that death wasn’t an exit. Not anymore. For the past months, death had been the only thing in his future. The air around him had felt like a cage, and all that mattered was breaking free. But now, the future was blank in a different way. It was not a dead-end, but an empty canvas.  
"You're fucking freaking me out", Natsu knocked the glass with his knuckle to send the black moth away. It had stayed on the window for too long. The moth spread its wings for the last time and parted wistfully like it had hoped to stay a little longer. Something about the butterfly reminded him of the stranger called Haru, maybe because she kind of freaked him out, too. Now that she was gone, Natsu realised that he hadn’t sensed her presence at all. It made no difference if she was in or out – her presence could not be felt. Maybe that's why she had appeared so stealthily, completely unnoticed, on that cliff. One thing about her being Zeref’s disciple made no sense to Natsu: he couldn’t sense any magic power on her. Maybe she was an infiltrator from the Empire. Could she be trusted?  
_ You are just sad, not angry._  
All his life, Natsu had concealed his real emotions behind an angry mask. Whenever he was feeling sad or low, he acted through rage or made a joke of it. He knew it, but never paid attention to it, believing it didn’t matter. No-one else cared either. Maybe it was easier for them to face the angry Natsu than a sad one. Everybody had believed him to be happy and careless, but the reality wasn't so bright. He had never really opened up about his feelings, and yet this stranger saw right through his mask. How did she do it?  
Natsu had stared to the horizon for long enough and decided he needed some fresh air. To be cautious, he took a knife from the cabinet and shoved it into his pocket. He wrapped the scarf around his neck, feeling its warmth spread around his body as if Igneel was there with him again. Then he grabbed the black, tattered coat from the wall rack and stepped out from the door.

The dragonslayer found the girl behind the cabin, crouched by a stream which ran down from the mountains. She formed a cup from her hands, collected a handful of water and washed the blood from her face. She glanced over a shoulder quickly when Natsu appeared, then continued cleaning her wounds. Dried, frozen flowers scrunched under his steps. Natsu halted at a hearing distance to view at her.  
She looked different in daylight. The black dress hung loosely on her body, and a silver necklace glimmered in the sun. The darkness had softened her limbs, blending her outlines to the background, but the sunlight emphasized her thinness. It turned visible the shadows of each bone sticking from her pale skin, and the dark circles under her eyes. She looked like she hadn’t eaten at all on her journey here. Had she forgotten to take care of herself while committing to her duty? An infiltrator wouldn’t put herself into a condition like that.  
”Hey you, a girl-with-a-boys-name”, Natsu hollered. ”Do you want to eat something? Should I go fishing?”  
”I don’t like fish”, Haru answered and took a wooden comb from her bag. Using the stream as a mirror she started to untangle her hair. Natsu sighed and tried to come up with something else. What he had sensed earlier had stayed true. There was no magical aura around her like she was a ghost, but even ghosts had a presence. She lacked it completely.   
”There are a few apple trees nearby, but the apples are kind of frozen. I guess they are still edible though. You ladies only eat fruits and veg-”  
”I can take care of myself, okay? Just go fishing. I don't care.”  
Natsu frowned in frustration and walked to the stream a few feet away from her. He kneeled down to drink from the running water. She cursed at herself silently while combing her tangled hair.  
”So, if we go straight to Magnolia, we should be there in two months”, Natsu said and wiped his mouth to the sleeve of his coat. He sat down on frozen grass and wrapped the black coat around his body. The air was crisp and chilly, and as a fire dragon’s son, Natsu didn’t enjoy cold weather too much. How she managed to wear nothing but a dress? Didn't she feel cold at all?  
”Two months? If we go to the next town and travel by train, we will be there in few weeks", she wondered.  
”No trains”, Natsu said strictly and shook his head. ”I have extreme motion sickness. Even the thought of a vehicle makes me want to throw up. I’d rather die than travel by train.”  
”Oh, I forgot you are a dragonslayer, and your senses are different. I know a spell that -”  
”No trains”, he repeated, raising his voice a bit. ”And no other vehicles either. We walk. Understand?”  
She stated nothing to that and Natsu took that as an agreement. It had been almost a month since Natsu had talked to anyone, and he wanted to have at least some kind of a discussion. Haru wasn’t too chatty: she only spoke when she had something to say, and considered each word carefully, unlike Lucy. Lucy spoke endlessly about anything to the point of pure annoyment. Natsu wondered why his blonde friend popped up in his mind right now, after a long time.  
”When will the war begin?” he asked after a moment of silence. "How much time do we have?"  
”Depends”, she said and put the comb back to the bag. ”Zeref is obsessed about 'the right time'. I guess it will be soon: a month, two months, half a year? Right now, Fairy Heart is defenceless. It would be smartest to attack right now, but apparently to Zeref the time isn’t right yet.”  
Haru rose up, picked up the leather bag and turned away from him. Natsu frowned again. The conversation was nothing but done.  
”That makes you sound like you are on his side, did you know that?” he pointed out.  
”Well, I’m not. I have my reasons to hate him. He needs to die.”  
”But he was your teacher, right?”  
She stopped for a moment and glanced over her shoulder at the dragonslayer, whose pink hair swayed in the wind.  
”He is corrupted by the dark”, Haru said and looked away from him again. ”The same darkness… No, forget it. He just needs to die.”  
She grew quiet. A light wind messed her freshly combed hair as she stared into the horizon. What had she intended to say about the darkness, and why had she withdrawn from it? Natsu assumed that she would speak when the time was right for her: she was cold and reserved like Erza had been by the time she joined the guild. People like that would eventually open up if given enough space and time. Maybe.  
”Anyway”, Natsu started and turned his head towards the blue sky. ”You should get some rest and I will go get some food. Okay?”  
”You are not going back to the cliff, aren’t you? It would, kind of, ruin our plan of saving the world if you died.”  
Natsu hadn’t expected her to bring that up. Not at all.  
”I’m not… I’m not...” he stuttered, trying to find a response. ”I don’t want to do it anymore. The dream I had, when I saw myself die, it frightened the shit out of me. I don’t want to die anymore. I’ve got to save my friends. I’ve got to keep on going, no matter how bad it feels like.”  
”Is that your reason to keep on going?”  
”For now, yes.”  
”It won’t last long enough. You know, the dark, it doesn’t give a shit about your friends. Whatever reason you find, it will nullify it over time. It consumes you to the core until there’s nothing left of you, as long as the things feeding it are still there.”  
”What are you talking about? Of course I care about my friends, I would never -”  
”You had already forgotten about them, remember? You were already driven to the point where the only thing that mattered was ending the pain. That there was nothing in the world to make you stay. This is just a sad time-out. I don't know what happened to you, but you are on the verge of falling into the dark, like Zeref did. It will happen again, and in your weakest moment, you'll give in to it. The dark, it -”  
She noticed Natsu’s eyes marvelling at her and stopped speaking. Right before she had spoken in a formal, reticent manner, but now the words were flooding out from her mouth. She whirled away trying to hide her embarrassment and skittered back to the cabin. The girl slammed the door shut, leaving Natsu alone with his confusion.  
”Who are you?” Natsu whispered to where she had been. ”What happened to you, a girl-with-a-boys-name?”  
The black moth flew from the forest and startled Natsu. It came to hower above his head, fighting fiercely against the wind. Persistent little thing.  
"Motherfucker", Natsu snarled at it. "What do you want? Get away from me."  
It looked at him with its red, moth's eyes, like it was asking for something, but lacked a common tongue.  
"Fucking go", he flailed at the flying insect. It dodged his strikes and flew to the edge of the forest, where a path began. It waited there as if it wanted him to follow. Natsu knew where the path would lead.

Shrubs growing on the forest floor itched and scratched his feet as he walked through the pine forest. He followed the butterfly on a path he had treaded too many times. The pines had grown here for decades at least and seen many miserable travellers dive headfirst into their graves. Maybe there was a pile of bones underneath the cliff: a graveyard for lost souls buried unceremoniously upon each other. The threes stood strong and tall, their ancient roots carpeting the path. Natsu almost tackled his feet into the roots. Maybe the original owner of the shack ended his days following the same path. He had found a hunter's journal from the cabinet, behind the tableware. Especially the last entries had been grim, and he mentioned the precipice more than once. Maybe the void had its charm. If you stayed here too long, you could no longer resist it. Natsu had certainly felt that in his core last night.  
The butterfly flew right in front of him. The girl had warned him not to go to the cliff, but Natsu wanted to see it one last time before leaving. In daylight, there wouldn’t be the same mitigation the night offered. He wanted to look straight into the bottom and face the death, not as a coward, but as a man. And for some reason, the butterfly wanted him to face it, too.   
Little birds chirped on the lower branches, but Natsu was so deep in his thoughts that he couldn’t hear them. The peculiar girl, the nightmare and the black moth occupied his mind. The only clarity in the midst of chaos was that death was no longer an option. Now he feared it. The thought of death had offered him twisted consolation: it was easier to push through the shit if you knew it would be over soon. But now, fear had torn away from his only solace, leaving him with an empty, closed heart.  
His thoughts circled back to the stranger. Natsu understood what Haru had meant with the darkness. She meant the depression, the place your soul gets lost into. She had summarised it as ”the dark.” It was a descriptive name for it, after all. But it wasn't the opposite of the light - it was the absence of it. _You know, the dark, it consumes you to the core. _The way she spoke about the dark could only mean one thing – she had been there too.   
On his way to the cliff, Natsu came up with theories about her. The absence of her aura, her hatred for Zeref, her weird behaviour… maybe she was a demon from the books of Zeref? During the battle with the dark guild Tartaros, Zeref killed Mard Geer, one of his demons. He clicked his fingers and sent him back to the book from which he was summoned. Then he burned it into ashes. When questioned, Zeref shook his head and said that he no longer needed that demon. He treated his creations like they were nothing to him.  
The theory made more sense the more he thought about it. It would have been only a matter of time before one of Zeref's creations would turn against him. And now she was here, as a traitor, having betrayed her creator. It was still possible that she was an infiltrator sent to murder him, though. Natsu lifted his face to let the lights and shadows filtering through the trees dance across his skin. The wind whistled around the trunks releasing the scent of pine resin into the air. He tried to open his heart to the feeling of being alive, but his heart stayed shut.  
  
It was like a return to the murder scene when the path came to an end. The view that opened in front of his eyes astonished him, and the butterfly hovered right next to him. The vale went on as far as he could see, and the trees down there were dressed in the colours of the Autumn. And somewhere down there was the firepit someone had ignited a second before it would have been too late. Carefully and slowly he moved closer to the edge, but his legs went weak and wiggly. He had to stop before the steep fall as his feet refused to carry him any further.  
Natsu closed his eyes and let the stream of his thoughts run on its own for a while. It had been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing could ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. The fire igniting in the distance had been a pure coincidence, but it had sent forward a chain of events that could not be stopped. A very small change in initial conditions had created a significantly different outcome. What else could he do now but embrace its flow, and see what would happen?  
The black moth landed on his shoulder. It flattered its wings and then flew over the edge. It hovered in the air until a strong gust caught it and tore it apart right in front of Natsu’s eyes. The pieces of the withered butterfly fell to the canyon, vanishing forever. Strange sorrow struck his empty heart. If the butterfly had been Igneel, it was no more. Igneel had truly died, leaving him all alone in the world, forever, and all he could do was to move forward to the future. But there would be no future as long as his old self existed.  
The future would remain black and hopeless, like the dead of winter, until he would wither in the wind the same way the black butterfly did. Natsu, who concealed his emotions and acted through anger, would no longer survive. Not anymore. It had been proven too many times, but only now his eyes opened to see the truth. Natsu, who kept it all inside and didn't trust his friends enough to let them in had no future. The old Natsu had to die so the new could eventually, someday, maybe, thrive again.  
Upon that conclusion, under the setting sun, Natsu took off the coat and placed it to the ground. He stripped his vest and trousers too. Natsu shoved a hand into the pocket and picked up the knife. Goosebumps rose to his skin when the cold wind blew right through his bones as he stood on the precipice wearing nothing but underpants and Igneel’s scarf. Natsu tossed his clothes over the edge and watched them fall to the bottom far, far below.  
He extended the hand in front of him and slashed his arm with the silver knife, letting the blood follow his clothes. He flinched in pain and bit his lip, but endured it. He forced his shadows into the light, ripping through his chest and burning like a fire. That being done, he killed his previous self, alone and unceremoniously. He left it unburied to the base of the precipice, among many others before him, and his new self would be reinvented somewhere else.  
As the blood flowed from his arm he knew that new life began right here, where the old path had come to an end.  
For a bleeding heart was an open one.


	4. WITH OMENS OF SORROW

_”To know her is to see,  
_ _nothing is as it seems  
_ _she’ll show her true face when you’re  
_ _stripped from all belief.  
_ _Sweet tyrant, laying out the course with what you need  
_ _to send you through the veils of eternity.”_

Trees of Eternity – Sinking Ships

_A child’s steps echoed in the library as she ran through the archives, chasing a white cat. The cat hid in between the tall shelves only to be found again by the overjoyed little girl. She loved playing with the kitty more than anything, even more than she loved her books.  
The cat gazed at her with its sky-blue, gleaming eyes. With a balletic grace, it moved to the girl to rub its head against her knees. She picked the cat up and hugged it tightly as it began to purr tranquilly in her arms. Her hands ran gently through the satin-soft white fur, and the loose hair attached to her black dress.  
Endless rows of colour-coded, dust-covered books surrounded them as she danced in the aisles with the kitty, her shoes clattering on the marble floor. Her dark-brown, curly pigtails followed her gentle movements and the hem of her dress oscillated in the rhythm of her dance. It was her birthday dance. Today, she would turn ten, and mother had promised to treat her with a special gift.  
What she had wished for was that Haru, her kitty, would live forever with her. Its name meant spring in a different tongue, just like her name. The cat had been there as long as she could remember, comforting her through every sorrow and hardship. It was the only friend she ever had, and she wanted to be with it forever.  
”What do you think Mother will give to us?” she asked the cat and it replied by licking her chin. ”I haven’t seen her in a long time…”  
A door opened on the second floor and soon she heard steps from the stairway. She recognised the sound of her mother’s high heels from afar. She froze and stood perfectly still on her spot, right between the shelves of acology and bionomics. She waited silently for Mother’s approach.  
”Sweet April”, a red-haired woman said when she appeared at the end of the aisle. ”Today marks ten years since you were born, in one gloomy day of spring.”  
”Yes, mother?” the girl said quietly. Mother looked different than before, in a way that made her feel uneasy. She pressed the kitty against her chest tighter, trying to calm herself with its soft purrs.  
”Give that vile cat to me”, mother commanded strictly. Hesitant and evasive she looked at mother in disbelief. Mother gave her a frightening look, and she put the kitty to the floor. The cat walked to Mother’s feet and sniffed her shoes. A cloud of potent perfume lingered around her, a smell her daughter had grown to despise over time. Mother picked up the cat and the daughter held her breath.  
”You really seem to like this stupid kitten”, Mother said and petted its white fur. The cat struggled and writhed in her hold.  
”It’s not stupid!” the girl cried. ”It’s my friend!”  
”A friend?” her mother laughed. ”A friend is something a demon like you will never have. Do you know what happens to all your friends? This!”  
Before she could answer, the woman dropped the cat and stepped on it with her high heel shoe. A sickening screech escaped from the cat as the spike pierced its body. Startling out from her wits, she held her hands over her mouth and screamed. Mother pulled her shoe from the cat’s body and left, her sadistic laughter echoing in the hall.  
With burning tears welling up in her eyes, she stared in horror as the cat’s fur stained in bright scarlet; the colour of her mother’s hair, the colour she would hate ’til the end of her days._  
  
The setting sun touched the mountains far away and dyed the sky in scarlet shades, contrasting the dark clouds in the distance. Sun’s last rays danced on the dragonslayer’s pink hair as he stared into the horizon, smelling the upcoming storm. From sudden, the clouds had formed from nothing and the air had changed completely from clear and fine to heavy and sinister.  
As the last drop of blood fell from his wound, a wild blast of mournful wind swept through him, breaking the moment of peace. The cold wind obtruded into his soul from the cracks of his bleeding heart to remind him why it had been shut in the first place. But he didn’t shudder, didn’t shatter: the wind did not understand that the fire of new Natsu burned cold, colder than anything in this world. There was nothing that could suffocate it now because as pale as the flame was, it was enough to keep him from falling into absolute darkness. It had to be.  
The black clouds marched from the west to chase away the sun as if someone commanded them forward. Natsu lifted the coat from the ground and covered his bare skin with it. When he turned around to leave the precipice, a sudden flash of lightning pierced the sky behind him. Since when had there been thunder in October? Maybe, just maybe the clouds had come to celebrate his rebirth, and he welcomed their shields. He knew his new self would still dwell in the cold shadows for another aeon to come, but only now he was strong enough to bear through the night.  
  
By the time he got back to the cabin, the dusk had fallen on Earth with pouring rain. Heavy waterdrops drenched the black coat, and he was relieved to see smoke rising from the chimney and light filtering through the dusty window. His arm throbbed and stung as a reminder of being alive, but he struggled to find gratitude for it. He had thought of the future as a blank painting, but now he realized all he had was an empty frame with no canvas to paint on. It was a blurry window to opportunity, disguised as nothingness. The thought of tomorrow scared him, and he wondered which path his renewed self would choose.  
He went inside without knocking and warmth surged into his freezing bones. The girl in the black dress sat quietly on the floor wrapped into a blanket, reading a thick book. Natsu tossed the coat to the wall rack and went to find bandages from the cabinet. Haru raised her eyes from the book, noticing the lack of appropriate clothing on him, and the bloody mess on his arm.  
”Where are your clothes? And what happened to you, a fishing-accident?” Haru asked.  
”Never thought people would ask that from me”, he said and decided not to comment on what he had done. It wasn’t her business at all.  
She continued reading without saying anything. After patching himself up with linen strips, he dressed in clothes found from the lower shelf: a black long-sleeved sweater with high collar and dark grey trousers. The clothes were a size too big, smelled of old wood, and he would need to treat them with flame retardant later, but they sufficed. He sat on the bench and listened to the rain.  
With nothing to do, he began to grow bored. He tried to peek the cover of her book, but it was blank black. He desperately needed a distraction from everything that had happened during the last day. Ironically, the only thing to divert him was the source of all of it.  
”What are you reading?” Natsu asked, trying to set up a conversation with her.  
”A book”, she answered coldly and turned a page. Natsu frowned and crossed his arms on his chest, and a painful reminder from the wound made him cringe.  
”Do you think I’m stupid? What is it about, the _book_?”  
Haru gave him a quick, annoyed glance, and told: ”It’s a story of Seath the Scaleless, a dragon born without immortality-granting stone scales. In envy and bitterness, he betrayed his own race helping the humans in a war against the everlasting dragons. Then he descended into madness on his search for immortality. It's my favourite.”  
There was something familiar in the story. Natsu analysed her words, trying to find hidden hints in between the lines. Why was this exact book her favourite? According to her own words, she was a traitor, too. But what had driven her to betrayal if not envy and bitterness? Heavy rain whipped the window ruthlessly and thunder rumbled nearby, disturbing the trail of his thoughts.   
”Why did you betray Zeref?” Natsu asked. She blinked her dark eyes, looking confused, as the question had come without a warning.  
”As I said, he is going to destroy the world”, she answered. ”It can’t be allowed to happen. That’s why.”  
It was only a segment of the truth. The dragonslayer groped his neck, understanding it was better to be straightforward in his words. He still had suspicions he preferred to clean out before setting forth with her. Maybe a little provocation would make her speak out, and give the answers to his questions.  
”I think there’s more to it. What if you didn’t betray him? What if… What if you are here to kill me? If you kill me, Zeref has a better chance of destroying the world.”  
Haru closed the book, placed it on her lap and looked him straight into the eyes. Her stare made him regret his words, and he lowered his head to escape the blame.  
”If I had to kill you, I would have let you do it yourself”, she said calmly, but strictly. ”Enough of that nonsense.”  
She had a point, but it wasn’t enough to satiate his curiosity. She seemed real when he looked at her, but in the same way people feel real in dreams. In a paradoxical way, she was there, but wasn’t, at the same time. It disturbed him deeply.  
”I can’t sense your presence”, he said. ”It’s like you aren’t even real. Why?”  
Her tranquil surface cracked from the strength of his words, like a meteor breaking the dead calm sea. She turned away to hide her reaction and stared into the flames that danced in the fireplace.  
”I don’t know”, she said quietly. ”I really don’t.”  
Natsu understood that his question had shaken her deeply, and it confused him just as much.  
”And your magic, I can’t sense that either. But I know you can use it, from the way you stopped my flames earlier today. Zeref wouldn’t have a disciple who couldn’t use magic.”  
”Mister Dragneel, there are some things you should not know.”  
”That you are one of Zeref’s demons? That's what you mean?”  
  
The girl sat perfectly still in front of the fire for a while that felt like an eternity. Natsu’s heart raced uncomfortably in his chest and he counted on the thunderbolts as minutes passed by. The lightning struck the ground seven times before she finally spoke.  
”Do you know why Zeref created his demons?” she asked and continued before Natsu answered. ”His entire family died in a dragon attack 400 years ago. He tried to bring his little brother back to life, but it angered the god of life and death. The god immortalized him and cursed him with the curse of contradiction: the more he values life, the more lives he takes, and the less he cares, the less death he causes. Years passed and he tried every possible way to end his suffering. He created powerful demons to kill him and all of them failed. But the strongest demon named E.N.D is still out there, and just maybe, it is strong enough… if we just wake it.”  
Her words were quiet and cold like a string of snowflakes and they distracted Natsu from the original question. The black wizard with his demons was still a mystery to the dragonslayer. The dark guild Tartaros, formed by Zeref's demons, had tried to resurrect E.N.D, but Fairy Tail managed to prevent it with a great cost. Natsu met Zeref briefly at the endgame of the battle. The black wizard promised to pass him even greater despair if he survived this one, and vanished with the book of his strongest demon. Breaking its seal after everything that happened sounded like utter nonsense. All their efforts and losses would have been in vain.  
Thunder struck the earth close by and the whole cabin quaked from its magnitude. The mirrored window reflected Natsu’s pale, bloodstained face and the wet hair clued on his cheeks. The image of himself strengthened his unrest so he turned his eyes to the girl. He stared her brown curls while still trying to figure out what to say.  
”To wake the E.N.D? Isn’t it too dangerous to break its seal?” Natsu wondered. ”Even Igneel couldn’t defeat it centuries ago. I fought against a dark guild that tried to resurrect it, so why would I help you now?”  
”The demon isn’t sealed”, Haru said calmly. ”It’s just sleeping somewhere. I was thinking that if you aren’t capable of killing Zeref, then waking that demon is our last chance.”  
_ Sleeping? _Had it been just sleeping all this time? Had Tartaros been wrong all along? It confused him so much he didn’t even notice her doubting his strength.  
”So what will we do?” Natsu asked.  
”I have two plans. The first plan is that you kill Zeref. If you fail, we, or I if you die, find E.N.D, wake it and let it kill him. It will vanish with its creator so it won’t be a danger to anyone else. Makarov asked for my help, and I think this is the best way to avoid heavy casualties”, she answered. ”I don’t know where Zeref is at this moment, but we will find him eventually, maybe before we get back to your guild.”  
Natsu agreed to that. In fact, he wasn’t completely sure if he could defeat Zeref yet. The technique he developed from the remains of Igneel's power was surely strong, but would it be enough? And after Zeref, there remained another threat.  
”But what about Acnologia? I have trained ten months to-”  
She turned around and looked straight at him, paralysing him with her words: ”Ten months? Even ten years or ten hundred years won’t be enough. Magic doesn’t work on Acnologia, for he is an arcane dragon who consumes all magic. If you want to take on him, you could as well jump from the cliff. You’ll get the same result with less pain.”  
Fierce honesty shone from her glimmering eyes. Natsu leaned to his healthy hand, captivated by her gaze. A certain memory came back to his mind: the time when Gildarts returned from a long journey body ripped apart. Gildarts had faced off with Acnologia with the grave outcome and advised him to give up on searching for the black dragon. Natsu had got into his head that Acnologia might know something about Igneel’s location, and even Gildart's wounds weren't enough to change his mind. Normally he would rage at anyone who claimed he wasn’t strong enough, but he believed her. Maybe his new self wouldn't try to swallow too big chunks at once. His recklessness had already caused enough pain and suffering to the people he held dear.  
”But what’s the point in fighting a fight we cannot win?” Natsu asked woefully.  
”There is a way”, Haru answered and nodded. ”Trust me.”  
At that moment Natsu understood she wasn’t one of Zeref’s demons, but something else completely.  
  
From there on, Natsu sat in silence watching how rain whipped his reflection on the window. His thoughts raced aimlessly in his head, but now he knew which path to follow. He could rest now with a clear goal in mind. The girl had put a canvas into the empty frames, and it was up to him to paint the picture of his new life.  
Haru sat in front of the fire as if she had grown fond of the warmth. A quiet rattling of paper was heard at regular intervals when she turned another page. He pondered the plan she offered, and the more he thought of it, the more it made sense. But still, waking the demon after everything they did to prevent it felt so wrong. Master disbanded the guild, Igneel died, Lucy lost Aquarius… Everyone lost something they held dear and he would nullify it all. In some way, Natsu deemed himself as a traitor, too, and the thought of going back home terrified him.  
The memory of Lucy crept into his mind again. It frightened him to face his friends as a changed man, knowing things would never be the same as they were, and the one he feared the most was Lucy. They had been the closest of friends for over a year and made a bunch of good memories together. Lucy had promised to tell him something after the battle but never got a chance. Natsu already knew what she was going to say: she loved him more than as a friend. He just hoped her feelings would have faded during this time they had been apart, or there would be another bloody mess waiting for him at home. The love he had for Lucy was always purely platonic, a sad almost.  
Haru took a box from her bag, opened it and placed it on the floor. She put something in her mouth, something that smelled like chocolate. Natsu peeked over the table to see what she was eating, and his nose was correct.  
”Do you really live on chocolate?” Natsu asked, amused by how someone so small thrived on sweets. Lucy had always stressed about gaining at least ten pounds from eating a muffin.  
”Do you want some?” Haru answered, handing the box to him. Smiling shortly, he took one and ate it. Sweet taste exploded in his mouth, for it had been so long since he had eaten anything but charred fish.  
"We should rest if we leave at sunrise. I'm tired, and I'll go to sleep soon”, Natsu said and stood up. He walked to the bed and grabbed a woollen blanket, which still smelled of white flowers of spring.  
”I’ve done nothing but rested the whole day”, Haru answered from the floor, looking tired, too.  
”Then rest some more. You shouldn't sleep on the floor.”  
”It’s your house, your bed. I’m fine here.”  
Natsu wanted to point out that it wasn’t his house, and she was the one who needed a softer place to sleep. He could sleep anywhere and the floor had been pleasantly cool for him. Letting her sleep on the hard, cold floor fought against his morals. In his books, girls were fragile creatures who needed to be treated with special care, but who could beat the shit out of him if he dared to claim the only bed in the house. At least that’s what Lucy always did.  
”Well, you are my guest, so it would be a courtesy to let you sleep in the bed”, the dragonslayer said and threw the blanket to the corner next to the fireplace where he was going to lay rest.  
”As I said, I’m all fine. The bed smelled of charcoal and smoke farts.”  
”That’s mean”, Natsu laughed and stole another piece of chocolate. ”This for that.”  
”Take the rest if you want”, she said and closed the book. ”I forgot to thank you for helping me yesterday.”  
Her sudden act of kindness confused him a little. He took the spare pillow and threw it to accompany the blanket, but left the chocolates untouched. The bloodloss was starting to take its toll, and all he wanted was to lie down and close his eyes.  
”It’s okay”, Natsu answered. ”But hey, get up now. The floor is my place. Period.”  
”No, it’s mine. Period.”  
”But you are so skinny and bony it has hurt to lie down on the hard floor.”  
”Don’t we have anything better to do than argue on who gets to sleep on a harder surface? I sleep here and that’s my final statement. You can do whatever you want.”  
His head started to feel heavy and he was about to lose his patience. Natsu pointed to the empty bed and raised his voice: ”Hey, I don’t often throw chicks to the bed right after meeting them, but guess I fucking have to if you don’t move your ass right now!”  
”Chicks? Why would you throw birds to the bed?” she said, sounding perplexed.  
”What the fuck?”  
”This is your house, so -”  
He had enough of her persistent shit. Natsu stepped behind the girl, lifted her from armpits and tossed her onto the bed. The small body thumped into the mattress, and she stared at him in confusion and admitted her defeat. Natsu picked up the book she had dropped and handed it to her.  
"Is the moral of this story that eternal life shouldn't be pursued?" Natsu asked.  
"No", she said and took the book from his hands. "It's that the weakest one can turn out to be the most dangerous of them all."

\---

  
The pink-haired dragonslayer snored on the floor while Haru stared at the spider’s webs in the ceiling. Rain played its calming melody on the roof, but she couldn’t fall asleep. Exhaustion was the currency she had to pay for sleep, and when she finally slept, the nightmares made her wish she didn’t. The rain wasn’t the only thing keeping her awake. A peculiar presence had lingered there since the storm started as if it had brought the storm with it. A presence she somehow knew, like an omen of sorrow.  
Speaking of presences, what this strange man had said had shaken the very foundation of her identity. She never knew others couldn’t sense her presence. Everything started to fall into a place: now she knew why people passed her by like she didn't even exist.  
_ Why no-one else told me? Did Zeref make a mistake?_  
There was no time for an existential crisis, though. When she was sure Natsu was unconscious, she rose from the bed and sneaked through the room with bare feet. She opened the door quietly and slipped into the cold night air.  
She stood in front of the door and felt the wet grass in her soles. She lifted her face to the sky and let the frigid water wash her skin. She raised her hands trying to reach for the moon that shone gently in between the storm clouds. But like always, the moon was too far.  
The wind blew from the vale and the presence it carried struck her like lightning and she froze in terror. The presence of death in the eye of the storm could only belong to one person in the world.  
”Zeref, why are you here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Seath the Scaleless is a boss in Dark Souls 1.  



	5. THE PURSUIT OF THE SUN

_"Fear is a self-destructing fire_  
_That burns what's dead and dry_  
_Tears clean the wound that's left behind_  
_When a shadow is forced into the light."_

Trees of Eternity - Broken Mirror

The trees around the man turned black and the vegetation died under his feet. The birds flying in the pouring rain fell lifeless to the ground where they had crossed him. The sight of bloodied clothes of a certain loved one awakened the curse he had fought so hard to control. His emotions had turned into heavy storm clouds to shield him from the burning sun so he could mourn in peace, mourn for the death he might have lost. The tears that ran down his face turned into raindrops that fell from the sky ironically nourishing the barren, dry earth. He had thought to have forgotten the value of life long ago, but life proved him wrong once more. There was still some love left in his heart, or maybe it was just his selfish desire to die, which feared the time had come and he had missed the chance. What if the last time they met was the perfect moment to die, but he had lost it forever?  
He walked through the dim-lit valley carrying the clothes in his arms, wondering if the long years of loneliness would finally be enough. The time had stopped for him and centuries had passed him by, but like every night before, the death did not come. How long would his punishment go on, how long until the gods would be satisfied? He had hoped that maybe, just maybe Natsu had become strong enough to end his miserable existence, but the god of life and death laughed at his face again. Natsu was still alive, but how long until the darkness would swallow him whole? What a mockery would it be if the only thing capable of ending his immortal life died first. All he could do was to pray for a miracle that something or someone would turn Natsu’s head and make him stay, just for a little longer, until the time would be right.   
From sudden, a thunderbolt struck him with the wrath of the gods of nature as if he was nothing but a lightning rod to them. It turned his core into a churning pit of fire and heat, incapacitating him completely for a few seconds. He screamed in excruciating pain as the electric current burned him inside out with potency to kill any living being in this world. He clutched his fingers deep into the bloody fabric when the impact sent him through the air and his body thumped to the cold, wet ground. He lied there motionless and stared into the blackest sky, darker than he had ever seen before, in four hundred years.  
But in the distance, there was something he hadn’t excepted to encounter here. When the pain finally faded and his body recovered, he stood up. He turned around and gazed the highlands shrouded in mist and knew _she_ was up there, in top of the hill, in the middle of the pine forest. The man couldn’t see her, but he sensed her hatred. The girl had unconsciously extinguished her presence long ago, but the wrath in her was like a living being with its own will, and he knew it exceedingly well. Someone else was there with her, and he could infer who. He sighed in relief.   
”Why are you here, my dearest disciple? What are you doing with Natsu?”  
He had no idea how she had escaped, but it didn’t even matter: everything had turned out brilliantly during his absence. A smile spread on his lips and he broke into laughter.  
”It’s even better than I planned.”  
Maybe, just maybe, the time was going to be right. Not yet, but soon enough. 

The clouds parted and rain ceased slowly. The ancient gods of the skies returned from the war while another battle commenced in her heart. Haru stared into the dark forest, recalling the memories plaguing her mind, the memories she had tried to push aside. They evoked from the presence of Zeref, as it had been imprinted in her psyche from the moment she was born. Visions of the black wizard, of her mother, even her deceased cat flashed in her eyes, the little rivers of pain, which flowed into the ocean of hatred she was drowning in. Her wrath had turned into lead weights tied to her ankles and soon she would reach the bottom, the point of no return.   
Zeref was still there in the distance, but he had begun to drift away with the storm. Her legs shivered, not from the cold but from the fear: if there was something she feared in this world it was missing the chance to kill Zeref. Now he was here, alone and undefended, so close but still so far. She had been waiting for this moment for so many years, and her fear did not give her any options: it had to be now or never. She turned on her heels and slammed the wooden door open.  
Inside the cabin, the fire had gone out and everything had turned pitch-black. She formed an image of the room from her memory and fumbled in the dark to find the sleeping dragonslayer. She rammed into a warm, smoke-smelling bundle next to the fireplace, who slept curled up like a dragon attached to the heat of the embers. She grabbed him from the shoulders, shook him as fiercely as she could with her skinny arms, with no effort. The tremendous magical aura lingered in the air around the dragonslayer, and she knew he could do what she could not.  
”Dragneel! Wake up!” she yelled, almost starting to panic. Zeref’s presence was slowly disappearing. ”Wake up!”  
The pink-haired man turned onto his other side and continued snoring. Haru pulled him back and slapped him to the face, giving him a matching red mark. She could not let this chance pass her by.  
”Zeref is here!”  
Natsu’s eyes ripped open. He rose to sit and stared at her, dumbfounded.  
”What are you talking about?” he muttered and rubbed his aching cheek.  
”The storm, it’s Zeref! He is here, down in the valley. This is the chance to get him! The last chance!”  
”Are you sure? Did you even see him?”  
”I’m sure he is here, I can sense his magic. Something has upset him. We have to go, now!”  
Haru grabbed his wrist and tried to pull him up, but he sat persistently on the floor refusing to move. The man was too heavy for her to lift and he wrenched his hand from hers. Her fingers felt burning from where she had touched the skin of the fire dragon’s son, confirming her assumptions. His fire could burn through everything, even Zeref’s black magic.  
”Hey, calm down. I can’t smell him, so he’s too far away. I’m not interested in following him now. There will be a second chance, I’m sure”, Natsu tried to soothe her but failed.  
”There won’t be!”   
”He’s too far and that’s the fact! We will sleep through the night, leave at sunrise and follow your plan. Zeref is totally gay about me, he will surely come around.”  
Her fear turned into frustration in Natsu’s resistance. No matter what, she couldn’t let Zeref escape. This time, she would make things right and bring justice not just to herself, but to everyone else in the world, even to her mother.   
”Fuck the plan, we kill him now”, she tried her best to keep herself contained, but the frustration turned further into desperation.   
”Guess what, I don’t care. Why don’t you go kill Zeref yourself?”  
”Because I have already tried! I’m not strong enough! It has to be you, only you can kill Zeref!”  
The words burst out from her lips like bitter venom. When she realised what she had said, she turned away and silenced in shame. The dragonslayer managed to break her shell again and make words slip from her mouth uninvited, the words she had intended to keep private. Natsu’s eyes gleamed in the dark pleading to know more, but he swallowed his curiosity and stayed silent, allowing her to keep her secrets. But for how long, she didn’t know. Natsu had made up his mind and Zeref was gone. All she could do was to let go and accept defeat, and trust there would come another time.  
”Hey?” Natsu asked quietly. ”Are you okay?”  
Haru found herself shivering from head to toes. She lifted her head slowly and when her eyes met with his, her secretive surface cracked and a lone tear fell to her cheek. Natsu looked at her with an expression she barely understood, but it could only be compassion from which she had only read about. The disappointment, the desperation and the confusion formed the salt of the tear, which she shielded with her hands. She went to the bed and waited in silence until the dragonslayer began to snore again, and then she wept for the vengeance she might have lost. The tears floated her to the sleep-lands where she dreamt of the dragons. 

A bird sang in the distance like a mournful trumpet, waking Natsu from his dreamless sleep. The floor had turned cold during the night making him envy the girl sleeping in the bed under a half a dozen blankets. To his surprise, his skin felt burning hot, feverish even, while inside he was freezing. With teeth shivering, he rose and glanced from the window. The dawn had already broken and the whole world was shrouded in mist.   
Natsu sat to the table to roll up the sleeve of his sweater. He began to peel the bandages, but blood and tissue fluid had clued the fabric painfully to the wound. He grinned as he ripped it off. The wound wasn’t too deep, but redness and swelling around it made it look worse than it was. He touched the broken skin and shivers ran through his spine when the pain hit him like lightning. He breathed shortly in agony, but when the pain faded, he did it again.   
Natsu started to pack while he waited for the girl to wake up. He emptied his backpack to the table and took a good look on the stuff he had, realising he could toss almost everything away. The items that had once been sentimental to him were now nothing more than clutter and rubbish he no longer wanted to drag along.   
Natsu threw the colourful stones, bizarre feathers and scribble notes to the fireplace one by one at first, but halfway through he picked everything up and carried an armful of shit to accompany the rest. He lighted the pile of memories afire, burning the remains of his old self he would replace with something new. This would be the first day of the rest of his life, no matter how long or short it would be.   
The girl awakened to the smell of smoke, couching. Natsu continued packing like he didn’t notice her, for last night still confused him and his cheek still ached from where she had hit him. He took spare clothing from the cabinet and put them into the backpack.  
”What’s burning here?” Haru asked. The smoke refused to go to the chimney and started to fill the room slowly. His old, fire-resistant clothes didn’t burn too well.  
”Stuff that no longer has an owner”, he answered. He found another coat from the cabin, significantly smaller than his as if it had belonged to a child. He took it in his hands and noticed the dried, old blood around the hole in the fabric. It looked like rust.   
”But isn’t all of that yours?”  
”Not anymore”, he said, turned around and threw the coat to her. ”You take this. It gets colder all the time.”  
Her bloodshot eyes confirmed Natsu’s suspicions: she had truly cried herself to sleep. Last night there had been a monstrous aura of hate and woe around her, but now it was gone leaving behind only a fragile girl who trembled under its weight. How could a person so seemingly innocent be burdened with such hatred?  
  
The smoke drove them outdoors fast. Clouds had fallen to the pine forest and shrouded everything in the veil of morning mist. Natsu took a short trip to the apple trees before setting forth and came back with a bag full of frozen fruits. Meanwhile, Haru had changed her clothes into pants made from black, dim leather and a grey woollen sweater. The child’s coat fit her perfectly, making Natsu question if he had estimated her age right at all, for she looked so young. In his mind, Natsu referred to her as ”the girl”, for the name Haru reminded him of the dude with the same name, and it disturbed him. She sat by the stream and watched the sunrise far in the East, hood pulled to cover her head.   
”We will follow the sun”, she said. Natsu gave a nod as an answer, but the words stayed in his mind for a little longer. Following the sun would lead him back home, from shadows to the light, and he only hoped that his chest wouldn’t burst from it. After all, he had grown to fear the light and the happiness of his friends. His darkness would bleed on them like oil, staining every happy moment they would ever have.   
”Wherever it will lead us”, Natsu admitted and took a deep breath, not knowing he had been mistaken. The sun had never led anyone to anywhere but into the night. 

When the light started to vanish from the world, his legs ached and he only wanted to lie down. The daylight hours were short this time of the year. He slowed his pace carefully, trying not to lose sight of the girl ahead of him. They had walked to South-East the entire day not saying a single word to each other, keeping a hundred feet distance the whole time. His feet could carry on forever, but it was his mind that had grown tired. The journey back home did not excite him, it drained his energy. All this time he had been thinking of his friends and how they would react on his comeback, and his thoughts weren’t too bright. He wanted to turn back and run away, but to where, he didn’t know.  
The girl stopped at the top of the hill.  
”There’s a house ahead. Looks abandoned”, the wind carried her voice to him.  
”Could we, like, rest there?”  
”Let’s check out.”  
She vanished downhill, giving Natsu an opportunity to leave. He stayed still for a moment in the middle of mist, but an echo of words he once heard pushed him forward. _You don’t die for your friends, you live for them._ Was it what Erza once said? If he turned back now, he would surely run straight to his death. The road forward him was the same he had come from, and now there was nothing like a trail of blood to find the way back home.   
Natsu ran through the meadow, dried flowers crackling under his feet. There was a lake behind the hill and the light of the sunset glimmered on its surface. Pines and spruces framed the lake that went as far as the eye could see, to the mountains far away. Many streams set into it, as well as the one that ran past the hunting cabin.   
Natsu didn’t remember the lake. He had travelled during night-times and had probably just missed it in the dark. Haru walked in the distance towards the building at the shore, black coat fluttering in the air, and Natsu’s eyes fixated to the charred ruins behind the woodshed she had mistaken for a house.   
”Hey! Didn’t you see the main building is burnt down?” Natsu shouted at her but didn’t hear if she answered. He descended from the hill and caught up with the girl. She gazed into the ruins where nothing but a stone foundation remained. Everything else had burned.   
”What do you think happened here?” Haru asked him.  
”Fire happened”, Natsu answered dryly. There were two rib-bones and a piece of skull visible among the ashes, proving that the fire had taken lives. ”Old drunk smoked in the bed, passed out and died. End of story.”  
”Probably”, she said. ”It doesn’t bother me though.”  
”Me neither”, Natsu lied. Deep down it pained him to witness the fatal effects of fire. Seeing someone burned to death reminded him of the destructive power he held inside of him. For him, the fire had always meant safety and love; fire could never hurt him, but it could take out anyone else like dry leaves. 

The woodshed turned out to be a proper place to sleep. It was insulated surprisingly well and had enough room for both of them, but the last moments of light needed to be used for gathering food. Apples didn’t keep Natsu’s hunger away, so he grabbed a stick to catch fish with. He stepped into the gloomy evening and closed the shack’s door behind him.   
”Do you happen to have a knife with you?” Natsu asked the girl who had waited on the stony beach while he checked the shed.   
”Here”, she said, took a sheath from her bag and tossed it to Natsu. It wasn’t a knife, it was a dagger with a handle made from ornamented silver. Natsu pulled it from the sheath, astonished by the beauty of the blade. It was ancient art, centuries old. He started to sharpen the tip of the stick, and the blade glided on the wood at ease.   
It didn’t take long until the spear was ready. Natsu took off his shoes, rolled the trouser legs up and walked towards the water. He gave the dagger back to the girl as he passed her by. She sat on a boulder reading her book and eating the chocolate again. The wind had calmed down and the water was still as a mirror, reflecting the bloodred sky and golden clouds. Natsu stepped into the ice-cold lake, breaking its tranquil surface. His toes sunk into soft sand when he searched for fish.  
”Too bad Happy took our fishing rods with him”, Natsu said, not sure if the girl would even listen. ”Happy really loves fishing... or the fish.”  
”Who is Happy?” she asked.   
”Happy is my best friend, who is a cat. Not a normal cat, though. Do you know the race called Exceed? The cats who have wings, walk on two feet and can talk?”  
She fell quiet. Natsu looked over his shoulder at her. She stared sorrowfully into the crimson sunset and Natsu could see she was holding back the tears. She lowered her head and covered her face with her hands again. A small fish swam in between Natsu’s feet, but he was too distracted to catch it. The stone-hard shell of her didn't seem to be as strong as he had first thought. Today, Natsu had seen nothing but a vulnerable, broken girl.   
”Did I say something wrong?” Natsu asked.  
”No, it’s just that...” she said quietly, trying to pull herself back together. ”I had a cat, too. It was just a normal cat, but it was my best friend.”  
”What happened to it?”  
”My mother killed it.”  
Natsu looked down to his freezing feet, in remorse of having unknowingly talked about a sensitive subject to her. He hated when he accidentally hurt someone’s feelings with his incapability to keep his mouth shut, but what he hated more was physically hurting, even killing someone’s friends. Natsu never had a mother so he didn’t know what a mother would be like, but it didn’t make any sense to him how a mother could do something like that to her own daughter.   
A fish size of his arm swam close to him, probably to eat the dirt from his toes. Natsu waited perfectly still until the fish came close enough, and then pierced it with the spear. The girl flinched from the sight and turned away when the blood began to stain the water. Natsu pulled the fish from the lake and ran back to dry land, his feet turned white from the cold.

The fish, probably a northern pike, grilled on the campfire and a pair of cranes sang in the distance, the same mournful trumpets Natsu had heard in the morning. Only a hint of crimson gleamed in the horizon, otherwise the sky had turned black and lit with stars. Even though nature was full of different sounds, the silence in his mind felt deafening.   
”Look, I’m sorry, talking about cats and shit”, Natsu finally said. ”How could I know you would take it so bad?”  
The girl sat quietly on the boulder behind him. She had been silent and distant the whole day like it was a punishment for not going after Zeref, and this cat thing made it even worse. Something had turned into an iron grudge in her heart, and Natsu was nearly scared of becoming a part of that hatred.   
”Are you silent treating me for what happened last night? You know it yourself it would have been stupid to go after him”, Natsu said, not trying to hide his annoyment. He just wanted to talk.   
”I know, right?” she answered dryly.   
”So why aren’t you talking to me, then?”  
”I have nothing to say.”  
Natsu turned the fish around on the stick and glanced at the girl. The ends of her hair were rough like they were ripped off with a dagger. Maybe she once had long, beautiful curls, but had cut them out recently in a violent manner.   
”Some bad shit happened to you, right, and that's why you are like that?" Natsu asked, already knowing she wouldn't answer. It was clear that she didn't trust him, but he couldn't trust her either. "When you came to the cliff you said something about a 'queue for suicide', meaning you were here to end your life, too. What did Zeref do to you? Why do you hate him so much? Even though you don’t have a presence, I can sense the grudge you have for him. It’s like a living being with flesh and blood and soul."  
”It’s none of your business”, she hissed as a reply, just as Natsu had expected.  
”I’m afraid it is if you want me to kill him. If you don't speak to me, I can't trust you. If I can't trust you, I can't help you."   
She seemed to realize he was right. She turned her eyes from the sunset to Natsu’s, and he figured out a way to crack her shell some more.   
”I came to think about that... that you didn’t actually betray Zeref”, Natsu said to her. Her eyes widened a little.   
”How so?”  
”Because you can’t betray your enemy. The saddest part of betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, it comes from your friends and loved ones. I am the true traitor here. I betrayed my friends, betrayed their trust, left them alone. I broke the rules of my guild. What does that make me? I don’t deserve to go back home. I don't deserve to meet them again.”  
”At least you have friends", she pointed out. "You should be grateful for that."  
”What do you mean? They surely hate me for now.”  
”The only friend I ever had died seventeen years ago. I would rather have a friend who hates me than no friends at all. _There are people in this world who enjoy being alone, but there isn’t a single person who can bear solitude_. People are waiting for you at home, and you should get back to them.”  
Her words shocked him and pierced right through his heart, breaking him inside. His intention had been to crack _her_ shell but ended up cracking himself. Those were the words of Master Makarov, and no doubt he had said them to her, too. The smiles of the friends he had almost forgotten flooded back to his mind, and he could do nothing but shed tears when he realised his selfishness. He had become the very thing he despised the most in this world, burned by the self-destructive fire of fear. The fear of not being loved anymore had almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
_ I would rather have a friend who hates me than no friends at all_ were the saddest words Natsu had ever heard. They made him realise how lucky he had been all this time, so lucky he had forgotten that not everyone had what he had. But still, he could not comprehend how someone could survive in this world without a single friend.   
”How are you still alive?” Natsu asked, wiping his tears. ”How do you bear the solitude?”   
”Maybe it’s where I belong”, she said.  
But from the way her voice died into the evening dusk, Natsu knew she was lying


	6. HE'LL COME HOME IN A COFFIN

_”Grief will haunt those who forget  
That night is not the end."  
_Trees of Eternity - The Hour of the Nightingale

  
The dark had already descended outside and the window in front of her had turned into a mirror. A fair-haired girl in a blue nightdress took a sip of steaming vanilla-flavoured white tea and gazed at the empty page on the desk. The hot tea burned her tongue. She played with a pen, spun it on her fingers as she tried to come up with the first words. Not a single one of her conflicted thoughts was capable of being turned into verbal form.  
The letter to Natsu was the hardest one to write. She had started it over and over again but tossed the paper every time. There was no need to rush sending it, since no-one knew his current location or if he even lived anymore. But still, she needed to solve the mess inside her head before it would burst. Writing a diary no longer helped: these words needed to be directed to Natsu, the main reason for her internal storm.  
The teacup emptied before she had written a single word, and the only ink to stain the paper with were her tears. Her heart was shattering from the overwhelming, formless mass of sorrow that had been growing inside her for the last ten months. She had lost almost everything she held dear: her home, her guild, her team, and she was starting to lose hope of ever getting them back. Trying to form a picture of Natsu became harder every day. Happy told her that Natsu had lost his smile and laughter, and turned into a cynical, angry monster who no longer cared about anything. It broke her heart the most. Was the Natsu she knew still there somewhere? She had been so lost inside since he had been gone.  
_ He doesn’t love me anymore._  
The thought had haunted her with increasing strength, and the more she heard of him, the more she believed it. Natsu had threatened to kill Happy if he didn’t leave him alone, proving that the man she once knew didn’t exist anymore. The real Natsu would never do something like that. She knew Natsu wouldn’t do harm to her. She was always so happy with him, always smiling and laughing.  
_ Maybe he never loved me in the first place._  
Ten months ago her happiness had turned to dust. She had been so close to confessing him how she felt, but things had taken an unexpected turn. Acnologia had appeared from nowhere and its presence had awakened the dragons sealed inside the dragonslayers. She had seen the pain on Natsu’s face when he found out Igneel had been just sleeping inside of him, after all those years. Her only chance disappeared forever to the following turmoil and now only regret remained.  
_ Just why, why didn’t I tell him earlier?_  
The pen trembled in her hands and dropped to the paper along with the tears. Every day when she got back from work she hoped Natsu would be there in her apartment - the habit she had hated turned out to be a thing she missed so much. Natsu always used to break in while she was somewhere else because he was bored on his own, and go to sleep in her bed, eat her food or read her novel drafts. It had annoyed her to death, but now she could endure anything to just get him back. Anything.  
_ I just miss him so much it’s difficult to breathe._  
”Lucy, why are you crying?” Happy asked behind her. She had thought of him to be asleep. Lucy grabbed the blue cat into her arms and embraced him tightly. Her longing for Natsu was nothing compared to what Happy must have been feeling, for the cat had been with the dragonslayer since the day he hatched. She couldn’t imagine how badly Happy missed him now or how he was still hurting from what happened with Natsu.  
”It’s just... I tried to write to Natsu, but I can’t find the right words”, Lucy sobbed quietly. ”I don’t know what to say to him.”  
”I don’t think he will ever come back, no matter what you say”, Happy answered grimly and looked down. Her heart almost skipped a beat when she realised he spoke true, but she had to keep the dying hope up. She just had to.  
”Don’t say that”, Lucy whispered. ”I’m sure -”  
”Lucy, you didn’t see him! You didn’t see his empty eyes! You didn’t hear him cursing at you, threatening to kill you if you didn’t leave him alone. He ’promised’ to come back home, but it was just an empty promise. He’ll come home in a coffin. He is dead, Lucy! Dead!”  
The blue cat trembled in her arms and cried. The tears stopped flowing from Lucy’s eyes as she bit her burned tongue. She drank too hot tea to substitute Natsu’s warmth, and now she was being burned alive by the heat of a grieving mind in the new reality her little dragon was no longer a part of.

Natsu sat in the corner of the woodshed motionless, wrapped tight into the black coat. His teeth rattled against each other and he tried to curl up as close to himself as he could to feel warmer. He didn’t remember ever feeling unnaturally cold and physically unwell like this. He touched his burning hot forehead and couldn’t understand the contrast between the warmth of his skin and how he felt inside. There was a snowstorm inside his lungs, freezing his cells and turning his blood into ice. He had barely slept an eyeful during the whole night and it would soon be dawn.  
The girl slept on the other side of the shed, mumbling something from time to time. So far she had mentioned dragons tearing down the roof, burning the books and eating her chocolates. It amused him when she punched the wall and threatened to kill the candy thief.  
His mind was still trying to recover from her story. She had only told him a fracture of it, which was enough to make him doubt if he could ever bear to hear the rest of it. Her words had pierced him like an arrow through the dark and now, when he looked at the girl sleeping right opposite to him, he wondered how she even lived anymore. In a matter of seconds, she had turned into a mythical creature in his eyes, and it scared him. Living without friends was like living without blood: it was impossible.  
_I would rather have a friend who hates me than no friends at all._  
”I wouldn’t hate you”, Natsu whispered inaudibly to her, but she did not respond. ”And there isn’t a single person who can bear solitude. Not even you.”  
The shivering spread from his teeth to his whole body as the snowstorm inside of him grew more vicious. He leaned to the wooden wall and closed his eyes as a drop of cold sweat ran down from his temple. An ache throbbed in his forehead as well as in his arm, and it was hard to concentrate on anything. His thoughts wandered aimlessly there and back, on a way too familiar circle.  
_ What would Lucy say if she saw me like this?_  
Every time that thought crossed his mind, he was glad Lucy hadn’t come with him. It was enough to break Happy’s heart, and breaking Lucy’s would have been too much. He would have done anything in the world to protect her, and this time he needed to protect her from himself. At least that’s what he kept telling himself, as a justification for what he had done.  
_ I’m sorry, Lucy. I’m so sorry.  
But this is for the best._

Natsu raised his hand in front of his eyes and lighted a small flame on his palm. It danced quietly like a candle, casting light to the darkened room, but died as fast as it had been created. The fire was too cold to bear existence, but its light awakened the girl. She rose to sit and looked at Natsu, who lighted another flame on his hand.  
”Good morning”, Natsu greeted. His voice scared him: he had never heard himself sound so sick.  
”Are you okay?” she seemed to hear it too.  
”Just fine”, the dragonslayer said and couched.  
”I don’t think so”, the girl answered and stood up. She crossed the room and placed her hand on his forehead. It felt warm. ”You have a high fever. Has the fishing-accident wound infected?”  
”It wasn’t an accident”, Natsu said and gently pushed her hand away. ”I did it myself.”  
She didn’t look surprised. ”I thought so. Show it to me, let's see if I can do something about it.”  
Hesitantly, Natsu pulled up the sleeve and took off the bandage. This time it hadn’t clued to his skin. Haru sat on her knees in front of him and took his hand into hers.  
”Could you cast a little flame with your other hand?” she asked, and he obeyed. She examined the wound in the pale light of Natsu’s fire and put her both hands on top of it.  
”What are you doing?” he asked.  
”Trying to kill the bacteria.”  
”With what?”  
”With magic.”  
Natsu’s flame went out when another dim light was cast right under her hands. He flinched from the burning sensation in his wound but relaxed as warmth spread into his freezing body. The burning turned into mild tickling, pleasant almost, and he looked at her in astonishment.  
”So you are a healer, like Wendy”, Natsu thought aloud.  
”Not actually”, she said, still concentrating. ”I could also kill you with this magic. It’s not a healing art, it’s disenchantment.”  
”What?”  
”I guess Wendy is an enchanter, right? She can strengthen and support the abilities of something or someone. My magic is reverse, it weakens and destroys. Wendy’s magic increases the strength of leucocytes, the cells fighting the infection. This magic weakens the bacteria to the point they fall apart and die. It can also shatter the cells of your heart into a million pieces, and you would obviously die.”  
Natsu frowned: it didn't sound too promising, but it worked. ”I have never even heard of that before. Zeref taught you that?”  
She nodded. The snowstorm inside of him ceased and was replaced with warmth, like the first day of spring after the longest winter. When she was done, the light faded away and she went back to the other side of the shed, dried leaves and bark cracking under her feet.  
  
”Why did you do that?” she asked suddenly.  
Natsu thought for a moment for an answer and decided it was best to be honest. He had kept everything inside for a far too long, and seen where it would lead him.  
”I wanted to feel something”, he said. His voice had returned close to normal as the fever went down, and he felt a lot better already. ”I wanted to know if I’m still alive, because of the dream I had. In that dream, I jumped from the cliff and died, but my spirit remained in the world. It was fucking horrible.”  
She didn’t say anything, so he continued. ”It was so insane. I saw my own corpse on the ground, all bloody and twisted from the fall. Then the creepy moth came from the forest and spoke to me with Igneel’s voice. Igneel was my father, the fire dragon, and he died ten months back. Then the moth turned into you, and you told me to wake up because I was crying. I felt so unreal when I woke up. I also thought of it as 'letting out bad blood', but literally. Maybe it wasn't so smart.”  
”So Igneel is dead?” the girl asked.  
”You knew him?”  
”Not personally”, she said. ”But I’ve heard of him. I’ve heard that he was the dragon who loved humans the most.”  
”Yeah... he was.”  
For the first time in months, it didn’t feel bad to talk about Igneel. In fact, the memory of him no longer felt like a dagger in his heart. It was melancholic but in a warm and pleasant way. He knew this is what Igneel would want: to see him live, to move forward into the future. In some sense, the war was over now, and what was left was the rebuild. Natsu stripped the coat when he started to sweat as his body temperature set down to normal.  
”That’s what drove you there? Your father’s death?” she asked, surprising him again. He knew exactly what she meant.  
”Kind of”, Natsu answered. ”It was the breaking point.”  
”I know. The dark comes for those who are the most vulnerable to it”, she said.   
”I wonder why I’m the only one to flip like this.”  
”How so?”  
”Everyone in Fairy Tail has gone through some shit. I mean, this would have happened to everyone. Gray lost his parents and his whole village when Zeref’s demon attacked there, even lost his teacher to the same demon later. Erza was kidnapped to a tower as a kid and kept as a slave for years. Lucy lost her parents, her spirit Aquarius, then me, then the whole guild. Damn, all of us are just orphans with broken hearts. Why am I the one who loses his shit when his parent dies? Why the others are still able to smile but I am not?”  
The dawn was breaking outside and rays of light found their ways through the holes and gaps of the wooden walls. She glanced at him quickly but turned her head away when she saw a tear on his cheek. Natsu had thought to have cried his tears dry a long time ago but was proven wrong.  
”I think... I think they remember death is not the opposite of life. Death is the opposite of birth. Life is eternal. The ones you love remain here in your heart, even after they are gone”, she said quietly. "That's why they are still smiling."  
Natsu turned his head towards her and looked at her pretty face, wondering how she could say the right words to put him to peace.  
”What happened to you?” the dragonslayer asked in return.  
”Lots of bad shit", she said as an echo of what he had deemed yesterday.  
And then Natsu smiled. It was over in a split second, but it was a proper smile, since the longest time. It wasn't just a smile: it was a hint of a morning, a dream of spring, a sign that the night would one day end.


	7. THE EVIL MAN

_”How can you see into my eyes like open doors?_  
_Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb_  
_Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold_  
_Until you find it there and lead it back home.”_  
Evanescence – Bring Me To Life

A pair of cranes flew over her, contrasted as black silhouettes against the colourless sky. Their song echoed in her head as she observed them leave North, wondering if she would see them again on her journey.  
Haru ate remains of the charred fish and gazed into the distant mountains. The moisture of the night had concentrated into small waterdrops on the grass, and the lake steamed in the morning light. She glanced quickly over her shoulder to the woodshed. Its door remained closed, pointing that the dragonslayer was still sleeping. She had been awake for a few hours waiting for him to wake up.   
_Is this what freedom feels like? _  
When she had finished the fish, she jumped down from the rock and walked towards a pine next to the shed. Her bag hung on a stump of a branch, protected from the moist earth. She took it down, only to find all the chocolates eaten, and all that remained were empty boxes. She cursed to the sight silently and carried the bag to the fireplace.  
_ It’s nothing like I thought it would be. _  
The boxes burned joyfully in the freshly lit fire as she climbed back to the boulder. Haru dug a pen and a black notebook from the bottom of the bag and scrolled to the next empty page. She filled her lungs with the smell of smoke and decaying leaves and gazed into the distant sun. When she began to read the previous entries, the sunlight in her eyes burned holes to the text, written a day before she met the dragonslayer. Her thoughts on that day had been rather grim.  
_ I found him. _  
_ He’s nothing like I thought he would be. _  
She wrote the words down like they were the last words she would ever write. From what Master Makarov had told her she had expected to find a hot-headed jerk, but instead she had found nothing but ruins of a young man. On her two-month-long journey up here she had heard a story or another about the great and powerful Salamander of Fairy Tail, and the picture the rumours painted differed radically from reality. The last place she had expected to find him was on a cliff, yet there he had been, ready to end his life.   
_ Seems like freedom doesn’t always mean happiness, after all._

”Lucy?”   
Natsu awakened alone and relieved. Memories of the Eclipse Gate disaster haunted his dream, in which he failed to save Lucy, and lost her forever. The image of the bloodied face of the blonde celestial spirit wizard stayed on his eyes for a while as he lied on the wooden floor of the shed. A blanket had been laid on him, a blanket which smelled spring flowers.  
When the dream had vanished from his mind, he stepped from the darkness to the light, into the gloomy morning air. The sun blackened his sight for a moment, but then his vision cleared and he saw the girl sitting on the boulder at the edge of the lake with a notebook and a pen. He grabbed his backpack from the shed and closed the door.  
”So you are a writer, too”, Natsu said to her. She turned towards him, surprised.  
”You know a lot of writers then?” Haru asked and put the notebook down.  
”Just Lucy”, he said. ”She was always working on her novels and wrote letters to her dead mom, to tell her about our adventures. I hope she has kept up writing while I’ve been gone. She was really good at it.”  
”I’m not a novelist”, the girl told. ”Just keeping a journal.”  
She packed the notebook and climbed down from the rock. The remains of the fish were gone, and Natsu hoped she had eaten it. She looked so fragile like she would be shattered from the slightest wind. She crouched by the fire, afraid to sit on the wet grass.   
”I dreamt of dragons”, she said to him and stoked the fire. ”They came to the place I lived and stole my chocolates. I was so angry at them but didn’t have the power to kill them. And when I woke up, I found out my chocolates eaten. Not by dragons but by me.”  
”And me”, Natsu smirked and walked past her to the lake, and placed the backpack on a rock. ”I ate a few, too.”  
”We have to stop by the village, which's about two weeks from here and buy more. If I don’t starve to death by then.”  
”I can catch us something”, he said. ”I won’t let you starve.”  
Natsu wiped his forehead, and dark dirt stained his hand. His clothes felt disgusting as they were soaked with old sweat from last night. Now that he thought of it, he couldn’t remember the last time he washed himself. He couldn’t remember almost anything at all, for the last months were shrouded in mist.   
”I think I’m gonna take a bath”, Natsu warned her and pulled the dirty shirt over his head. ”If you are afraid of sexiness, look away.”  
”What is that?” she stared at him in shock. ”A some sort of disease?”  
”Wait, what the hell?” he didn’t understand her reaction until he realized she had no idea what the word even meant. ”It’s... it’s nothing, just forget it. I’ll wash myself because I’m dirty as fuck, so if you don’t wanna see a naked male, don’t look here.”  
”Oh, okay”, she said and turned her back to him. ”I’ll... I’ll read, or something.”  
”Good”, Natsu said as he took his remaining clothes off and walked into the freezing lake with a grey trail of dirt following him. 

The dragonslayer whimpered as he got deeper into the frigid water. He downed his head under the surface and rubbed his scalp. His hair had tangled so badly he couldn’t even run his fingers through it. With numbness spreading to his hands and feet he washed the shit away from his skin until he felt clean.  
He ran to the shore, dried and warmed himself with fire and dove into fresh clothes, similar to the previous ones. He left the old, dirty clothes to the ground, for they were too repugnant to be washed. Natsu wondered how she could have endured the smell of him. She was still sitting by the fire, probably reading the book of Seath the Scaleless again.   
Natsu looked at his reflection on the surface of the lake. His hair was nothing but a horrible mess of dreadlocks, dark circles surrounded his eyes and his cheeks had sunken in. His collarbones showed clearer than before, his arms and legs had gotten skinnier over time, too.   
_I’m nothing but a shadow of what I used to be._  
He walked to the girl and asked: ”Can I borrow the knife again?”  
”If you don’t hurt yourself”, she said.  
”I won’t”, Natsu answered. ”I could actually use the comb, too.”  
She gave the dagger and the comb to him. Natsu went back to the lake, and using the water as a mirror he began to de-tangle his hair. He cut down the overgrown ends, opened the worst knots with the knife and then violently combed the rest of his hair open. A drop of blood ran down from his hairline. In moments like this, he missed Lucy’s spirit, Crab, who was an excellent barber.   
When he finally started to look like himself again, he wiped the blood off his forehead and went back to the girl. She raised her eyes from the book and looked at him with a funny expression.  
”Thanks”, Natsu said and tossed the sheathed blade back to her. ”I’m ready to go whenever you are.”  
For a moment Natsu thought he sensed a hint, just a tiny fragment of her presence, but it might have been just the wind. 

They left to the direction where the cranes had flown and today, Natsu didn’t want to keep distance with her. She led the way for she knew where to go, and Natsu followed right at her tail. He didn't want to be alone.   
But still, Natsu struggled to find anything to say. Every word that popped up seemed just stupid and unnecessary, but fortunately, the silence wasn’t awkward in any way. The forests and meadows changed tranquilly around them as the day passed in silence.   
”Why is your guild named Fairy Tail?” Haru suddenly asked after many quiet hours and turned towards him. Natsu had gotten so lost in thought he had to shake his head to come back down to earth.  
”Well, our first master Mavis loved fairies and often wondered if they had tails or not, or if they even existed. It was an eternal mystery: an eternal adventure”, Natsu told. He had heard the story many times. ”The meaning of our guild is to adventure through the world together with friends, through good and bad.”  
She nodded but kept thinking of what he had said. ”Then why are you up here, all alone?”  
”To protect them”, he answered quick and straight. ”From me. I was afraid of hurting them. Before I perfected the magic from the remains of Igneel’s power, I was just a demon, so angry and aggressive, screaming for vengeance. Somehow Happy stood by my side until the day I told him to fuck off and forced him to leave. I’m really not proud of what I said, and did.”  
”Okay”, she said quietly. ”That’s... reasonable.”  
”At least it was Happy I raged at. He has seen me at my worst many times, but Lucy would have... I don’t know, I’m just glad she wasn’t there back then.”  
”Is Lucy the celestial spirit wizard I’ve heard about? The one trying to get the guild back together?”  
Strange sadness engulfed his mind and silenced him for the rest of the day. The sadness merged with guilt and turned into a haunting ghost of regret. 

The day was nearing its end when they found another settlement deep inside a forest. Birds chattered restlessly on the branches like a distressed orchestra: something was wrong again.  
The main building had been burned to the ground, and what had previously seemed like a drunken accident turned into a series of organized crime. The victims, an old hunter couple, were found in the ashes, burned to death. Natsu gazed into the demolition and the regret inside him got alarming features of hate.   
”Seems like there’s a pyromaniac on the run”, Natsu said to the girl but realized she had vanished from his side. He looked around, but there wasn’t a sight of her in the twilight forest. He turned his eyes back to the ruins and suddenly a terrifying thought intruded his mind.  
_What if I did this? _  
His chest turned into ice and his body started to shiver all over. He had absolutely no memories of the time after Happy had left - all he could remember was the cliff and the void he had stared into too many times. Now the void came calling back, pierced him with horrible self-hatred.  
”Just like before, the other buildings aren’t destroyed. There’s a summer cottage close by, we can stay there”, the girl said as she walked around the corner of the ruins, but stopped when she noticed him. ”Are you okay?”   
Natsu’s skin was smoking and he barely heard what she said. He wanted to cry, but the tears did not come. He felt her eyes on his skin but didn’t dare to look at her.  
”What if I did this?” he asked quietly, voice trembling. ”I... I have no memory of anything. What if this was me?”  
The seconds he waited for her answer felt like an eternity.  
”This wasn’t you”, Haru said. ”Dragonfire would melt the foundation too. This was casual fire, and someone clearly did this, but not you. Yours would have been... worse than this.”  
Natsu wiped his eyes and laughed nervously. The stone fell from his chest, making it easier to breathe again. Even though he believed what she said, it still haunted him that there was a _possibility_ of him doing it.  
”Why would anyone do something like this?” the dragonslayer wondered aloud.  
”It’s a good sign you are asking that. It means you aren't an evil man.”

This time it was harder to leave the ruins and just go to the other building to sleep, but the other choice was the cold, unprotected forest. The summer house wasn’t too far from the main building, and its survival meant that whoever did this, did it for murder rather than arson. Only the houses with people inside were burned.   
The cottage was small, carefully hidden with large spruces and it had two furnished rooms. The larger room served as a kitchen and a living room, and the smaller room had only a bed in it. Natsu lit the oil lamp on the ceiling and went through the cabinets over the stove. Among old porcelain tableware, he found two bottles of wine.   
”I bet they won’t be needing these anymore”, he said, grinning widely, but the sight of the second cabinet made him even happier. ”Look, there are cookies, bread and everything!”  
Haru sat on the striped couch absorbed into the book again and paid no attention to him. Natsu placed the wine on the table, grabbed the cookie box and devoured half of them in a matter of seconds. He had been eating so little lately his sense of hunger had nearly disappeared. There was still a small, unsettling feeling inside him, but he tried his best to believe what she had said.  
”Take some”, Natsu said and offered the cookies to her. ”There are chocolate chips.”  
The word _chocolate_ awakened her from her absent state and she took one delightfully. Maybe she suffered from the same loss of appetite, too. The wine bottles stood on the table, waiting to be opened.   
”I know what to do. Let’s play a drinking game”, Natsu proposed. He had learnt it from Cana, who had sworn it was a great way to break the ice and get to know people. She, however, swore in the name of alcohol in every possible subject.   
”What’s that?” she asked and lifted her eyes from the book. She seemed to have a gap in her general knowledge; she was book-smart but didn’t know anything about popular culture or understand a basic slang.   
”In turns, we make an assumption of each other”, the dragonslayer explained. ”For example, I say that you once had long hair. If it’s true, you take a drink, and if it’s false, I take a drink. Then we change turns.”  
”Sounds awful.”  
”No, no, it’s fun”, Natsu grinned and threw the second bottle to her. She caught it reluctantly and put the book aside. ”The older starts the game, so I guess it’s my turn.”   
”Not so fast. How old are you actually?” she asked as she struggled to get the bottle open. Natsu showed an example by opening his own.  
”I don’t know. 20? 19? Igneel didn’t keep a calendar and I don’t even know my birthday.”  
She lifted her eyebrows. ”Well, I’m 27, so I start.”  
”WHAT!?” Natsu’s chin dropped. ”I thought you were like fifteen or something. You don’t... You don’t even have... You are so small and everything, you really look a lot younger than you are.”  
”Can’t help that. It’s my turn then”, the girl smirked and finally got the bottle open. Natsu smiled shortly when her face turned disgusted from the smell of the wine.   
”But now that I think of it, I spent seven years inside a special sphere where time was stopped, so chronologically I would be around 27 too...”  
”It doesn’t matter, I start this stupid game”, she said and thought for a while what to guess. She analysed him carefully looking straight through his eyes into his soul like she could see every secret he had - and win the game.

”You aren’t an S-class wizard”, she opened the game straight up.   
Natsu grinned and took a sip from the bottle.   
”My turn”, the dragonslayer said. ”Your real name isn’t Haru.”  
Her eyes widened a little, and she drank. The taste made her face twist.  
”What’s your real name, then?” Natsu asked, surprised. He had deemed it for a while because no-one would give a boy’s name to a girl. And the way she had introduced herself didn’t sound natural in a way someone who had carried her name her whole life would say it.  
”I hate it”, she looked down. ”But it’s April. Zeref named me after my birth month. Haru was the name of my cat, and I wanted to change my name when I left the Empire.”   
”Cool”, Natsu thought and pieces started to fall into a place. ”New hair, new name, new life, right?”  
”Something like that, but it’s my turn now. You have saved someone’s life at least once.”  
Natsu drank. He didn’t really enjoy the taste either. Usually, when he had taken something, it had been just a beer or two with the guys.   
”You have killed someone”, Natsu said. It had been just a wild, fun guess with no true preconception - she seemed too innocent to be a murderer, but she proved him wrong by taking a sip from the bottle. Natsu wasn’t sure what to feel and didn’t even have time to decide before she was ready with her next question.  
”You love the celestial spirit wizard.”  
Natsu looked at her blankly and then pointed at the bottle she was holding. From there he knew the game wouldn’t turn out too well if it stroke so deep with the earliest questions.   
”What? I was sure about it. The way you talk about her -”  
”She’s my friend and I want it to stay that way. I never loved her and never will. I don’t think I’ll never love anyone. Drink.”  
That was the first time he ever said it aloud, and it felt surprisingly relieving. Since he figured out Lucy had feelings for him, he had been forced to think his own view of the subject, and everything about it had felt so wrong. Just how could he _not_ love her? She was beautiful, smart and kind, but his feelings just wouldn't sparkle. But now that he had said it, it became clear and easier to bear. Suddenly it was just fine. It was okay not to love anyone.   
”You loved someone before her but it wrecked your heart, so you are afraid to love again”, her question dragged him back to earth, and the clarity vanished as soon as it had come. It froze his thoughts and his heart because he knew she was right.   
”Hey! You can’t make two assumptions in a row, that’s illegal.”  
”I am right, am I?”  
Natsu looked her directly into the eyes, feeling so exposed. There was no lying to her, and brutal honesty was the only option.  
”That’s not fair... but okay”, saying it aloud tore the wounds open again, after so many years. ”There was a girl named Lisanna. She was my childhood sweetheart. She wanted to marry me when we had grown up, but she faced a tragic death about three years ago. But that’s not the reason why I don’t love Lucy. It’s because I don’t want to ruin our friendship, get it?”  
”Not really.”  
”Anyway, my turn”, Natsu said and shook his head. All this talk about love was making him nervous. ”You don’t know shit about relationships, love, or anything. You’ve lived in a barrel when it comes to that.”  
She drank. ”This shit tastes horrible.”  
”I know. And the second one you owe me: you are the only child.”  
She pointed at Natsu’s bottle: ”Wrong. I had a twin sister, but she’s dead.”  
”Really?”   
”We were separated at birth. My mother abandoned her into a village, which was attacked later. There were no survivors.”  
”Damn” was the only word Natsu found. ”By the way, how many drinks do we owe? I think we missed one or two.”  
”I don’t care, this game is stupid. My turn, is it?” she said. ”Igneel wasn’t your real father.”  
Every question she had asked had felt like a cannonball hit directly into his chest, but this one was absolutely worst. Just like that, she kept breaking his walls, with questions he had never dared to utter, even to himself.  
”What the shit? Of course he is my father. He’s the only parent I ever had”, Natsu tried to fight against it, but deep down he knew it was true.   
”Just... Just look at you. You are human. If Igneel was truly your biological father, you would look like a dragon, with scales and wings and everything”, she said and fixed her posture on the couch. Her voice had changed, and the tone in which she spoke: the wine probably altered her faster than Natsu. She turned more provocative, less gentle, less secretive when drunk. The dragonslayer started to fear where the conversation would go.  
”That’s bullshit.”  
”Just think about it. You are biologically a human and that’s obvious. Some dragons were known to take care of orphaned or abandoned children. I think Igneel adopted and raised you, and taught you magic.”  
”Not true. Drink!”  
”You know it yourself, you moron.”  
Natsu looked at the carpet under his feet, its woven stripes and dim colours. He pressed his fingers into the chair’s handrest. Even though he hadn't drunk much, he could already feel the alcohol running through his veins. He accepted his defeat, took one last sip and then closed the bottle.   
”I don’t wanna play this game anymore”, he said, rose up and walked to the door. He really needed some fresh air. ”You scare me.”   
”Why?” she asked.  
”Because I can tell you things I can’t even tell myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this fic Lisanna truly died and stayed dead.  



	8. OF OBSCURITY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brutal and bloody and might be unsettling to sensitive readers.

_”See the ghost I have become_  
_Save the prayers for the living ones_  
_Feel the dark that I've become_  
_Send your crows into the light_  
_To fill the skies and dim the sun.” _  
Swallow the Sun – Heartstrings shattering

Zeref lied down among the deceased flowers with closed eyes, listening to the fading voices of the common cranes. Snowflakes fell gently on him and formed a thin, white layer on his black clothes. He drifted slowly into sleep as snow covered him. The dream his mind created wasn’t a dream, but a memory.  
_ It was a gloomy evening of a distant spring. The newborn child in his arms reminded him of his little brother. He remembered the way his brother had looked just like their father, even the colour of their hair had been the same: a rare shade of cherry blossom. He had been there when his brother was born, and now he was here to witness the birth of twin girls. The blood on his hands proved it had been more assisting than witnessing. As he held the dark-haired girl the mother was still screaming in pain. _  
_ ”There’s something wrong with the baby”, the woman whimpered. ”That thing must not be allowed to live. Drown her, mash her head, leave her for vultures or whatever you want as long as she dies.”_  
_ Zeref looked down at the baby sleeping tranquilly in his arms, unlike her sister, whose cries echoed in the misty air. This girl had only cried the moment she was finally born and calmed soon after. Even though his hands burned from the child’s magic, his mind was so intrigued he barely felt the pain. It was true that something was terribly wrong with the child’s magic: an aura of deranged, obscure magic radiated from her, pierced through his skin and damaged his insides. The firstborn child would surely be a strong mage one day, but her magic was nearly nothing compared to her twin. He had never seen anything like that, in over four hundred years. Still, he didn’t see her as a demonic threat spawned from hell. All he saw was an opportunity. _  
_ ”I won’t kill her”, Zeref told the mother. ”If you don’t want her, I keep her.”_  
_ ”That demon just nearly killed me”, she screamed. ”The only reason you aren’t dead yet is that you are immortal. Anyone else who touches her will die.”_  
_ ”I can fix that”, the black wizard assured. ”There is a way. She can be useful in so many ways. This magic your twisted pregnancy created... It’s something that has never been seen in the history of magic. Sometimes magic just needs a little polishing.”_  
_ Zeref was almost sure that the things the mother had to endure during her pregnancy caused the child’s magic. He even deemed the dark-haired girl protected her sister by absorbing all the darkness into herself, letting her develop normally. The baby smiled gently in her sleep, the purest smile he had ever seen. The sight delighted his heart more than anything in a long time, it was just as warm as the first day of spring._  
_ ”I’ll name you April”, he told the baby and touched her nose. ”And I’m taking you home.”_  
Zeref awakened to the crane’s song as the memory still lingered in his eyes. The pair had landed on the swamp next to him and stared at him in wonder. Even to this day, it was how he remembered her: as an innocent baby, smiling in his arms, just like his brother once did. She had lost her smile a long ago, but even when she finally tried to kill him and turned against him, that’s how he remembered her.   
But then, dots connected in his mind when he thought of those two babies. The reality about her couldn’t be farther away from his conception: under the peaceful, innocent smile lied leviathan, deathly power. A sudden tide of worry struck his heart when he realised again who Natsu was with. If the alterations he did on her would ever fall apart, everything about his plans would be ruined as well. If Natsu would die before killing him...  
His worry fuelled the curse and sent around a black wave of magic which took the lives of everything and everyone. The cranes standing in the water fell lifeless to the swamp, their song silenced forever.   
_ The time has to be now or it will be too late. _

That evening Haru noticed the birds no longer sang in the distance, and there was nothing to be heard except the rattling of the fire, and the snoring of the dragonslayer.   
Natsu slept opposite to her, on the other side of the fire orb. She watched him through the flames and wondered if he dreamt the same dream he had mentioned the other day. His eyes moved restlessly behind the closed lids as he rolled from side to side, tossed and turned. Haru couldn’t exactly remember what he had said, he had been selective with his words when describing the dream, but she understood it was nothing pleasant.  
The dark had fallen a while ago. Natsu’s fire orb was the only thing to shine light into the night, even the stars were hiding behind heavy clouds. For nearly a fortnight they were blessed by rainless nights, and if they were lucky enough, they would reach the village before the skies would finally break. She had an intuition that something was going to happen, and soon. Something bad.  
Haru pulled the hood over her head and took the journal, to search if she had noticed any clues before this night. She scrolled back a few pages and read. Her handwriting was light and messy, barely readable to anyone else but her. No-one would ever understand the hieroglyphs she wrote. At least that’s what Zeref always told to her.

_12th of October_  
_ Yesterday the dragonslayer got a marvellous idea of playing a stupid drinking game. It ended with him silent treating me, and me throwing up. It’s not my fault he can be read like an open book. Today we found another place, burned in a similar way. He didn’t want to stay there, so we made a camp in a forest nearby, hoping we won’t freeze to death during the night. He created an orb of dragonfire to keep us warm and alive, and as I’m writing this now, I’m honestly burning from its heat._

_14th of October_  
_ Every house from the dragonslayer’s place to the village seems to be destroyed. Natsu believed he did all of it until we met a survivor. There was a man who managed to escape the attack but lost his wife. He told us that a tall, fat, black-haired man is behind the attacks and that he laughs maniacally as he slaughters his victims. The survivor told us to be careful, and then left, probably to follow his wife._

It was maybe two days ago when Natsu mentioned the dream he had, and now it was coming back to her mind. In his dream, a demon took over him and forced him to kill innocent people. All that time he stayed conscious of everything and tried to fight against it, with no effect. After the survivor told them about the real attacker, Natsu was slowly convinced he wasn’t the one doing it, but it seemed his mind was still struggling. Haru continued reading.

_16th of October_  
_ We have slept under an open sky since the summer house. Last night I had to treat his wound again, and now he seems to be fine. He asked why I never smile or laugh. I didn’t know what to say to him. I don’t even know myself. _

_17h of October_  
_ Today I witnessed his strength in action when a huge, magical bear (I think) wanted to eat us for dinner. The bear turned into a pile of ashes before I could do anything. Now he starts to live up to the rumours they say about him._

_20th of October_  
_ He said something strange last night I still cannot fully comprehend. He said that I remind him of someone, but he doesn’t remember who. He thinks my sister might still be alive somewhere, but it’s impossible. I’m not supposed to have any living relatives (except for my mother), and yet he still says I feel familiar somehow. Now that I think about it, I feel the same about him, like I’ve seen him in a dream before._

Haru looked through the orange fire to see him again. Every day that passed had strengthened the feeling of familiarity. Maybe it was just his face or his eyes, but something about him she had certainly known before. Suddenly, everything had started to become irrational, impossible even. Her sister wasn't alive, and she had never met him before. The only possible explanation for the familiarity was an unlikely appearance in a dream far away in the past.   
And yet, there was still more into it. Natsu had started to regain his power lately, and his already tremendous magic turned out to be even more terrifying. He was slowly but surely coming back to life, and sometimes she thought he wasn’t a normal human. No-one normal could hold that kind of power and not burn to death himself. He had been called a monster and a demon before, and she was beginning to understand why. Maybe he had his secret, too.  
She wrote an entry of her current thoughts. It took only two sentences to describe them. 

_23th of October_  
_ It deeply disturbs me how I can tell him things I’ve sworn to never talk about to anyone. In some way, I feel the darkness in him resonates with mine._

She feared it how he burned through her shell, made her speak more than she had in years, even made her cry in front of him - and what would happen if he completely burned her walls to the ground. Some days she almost felt like he was her friend. He was kind to her, genuinely wanted to talk with her and know her, even tried to make her laugh or smile. And that was enough to wake the old ghosts to haunt her.   
_ A friend is something a demon like you will never have. Do you know what happens to your friends? This! _  
She could almost see his mother’s heel piercing through Natsu’s head, but knew it had been only a metaphor. Her mother wouldn’t do anything to her friends, if she ever managed to have one. What mother did to her cat had been only a demonstration. She closed the journal and buried her face into her hands.  
It wasn’t Natsu’s power she feared the most, but her very own. And because of that, she couldn’t let him any closer. 

In the morning it started to snow.  
Snowflakes had covered Natsu’s black cloak when he opened his eyes. He sat up slowly and tried to wipe away the snow, as well as the nightmare. In the dream, he had turned into a demon again and lost control. After the red haze faded and his vision regained, he found Haru’s lifeless body lying in his arms. He had remembered her as a delicate beauty with wise and knowing eyes, and now she lied there, not breathing. Anguish tore apart his heart when he realized what he had done. She had been so fragile...  
Haru was still sleeping on the other side of the fire orb, but he didn’t bother to wake her. He was just relieved to see her all right. During the past few weeks, she had helped in an almost miraculous way, and he would be forever grateful for it but didn’t dare to tell it to her. Now he felt lighter, better, hopeful even, and he missed her when she wasn’t awake. Maybe that’s why the nightmare had felt so terrifying: deep down, he was afraid of burdening her with his darkness, hurting her. He would never want that to happen.   
Natsu gazed into the distant horizon and let the sunrise burn his nightmares away. Today they would finally reach the first milestone on their journey: the village. The village was the last frontier before the wild North. Haru had arrived there by train and stayed overnight. She was excited about buying new boxes of chocolates from the bakery and staying in an inn, getting a bubble bath and a full night’s sleep in a warm bed. It was strange how she was so excited about weird, little things, like a child. Sometimes Natsu hoped to be able to feel like that again, but now, he felt fear. He feared that something would change.  
”Morning”, the girl said, having woken up while he had stared into the horizon. Natsu turned his eyes from the sun to her, equally blinded. It was good to hear her voice.  
”Hi”, Natsu answered and smiled a little, trying to hide the anxiety the nightmare caused. ”Who’s ready for chocolate and a warm bed?”

Maybe they should have known better, that the promise of food and warmth had been just a lie. Maybe it would have saved them from shock and disappointment when they found nothing but smoking ruins where the village had once been.  
Natsu stood on the snowy hill, black coat fluttering from the wind, his heart completely crushed. One could think they would have grown numb for it now, but the sight of complete devastation was something you could never get used to. Natsu bit his lip and pressed his hands into fists as anger built up inside him.  
”They’re all dead”, Haru said quietly. She stood right beside him, feeling equally devastated.   
Natsu couldn’t say anything before he was running down the hill to the village. It was clear that the one behind the previous attacks had done this, too. Natsu recognised the man’s smell among the blood and smoke when he reached the ruins, with the girl following at his trail. He stopped at the gates left open wide in rush. From there began the main street with buildings on each side. Few bodies were lying in front of the doors, and not a single footprint on the thin layer of snow. It had happened yesterday.   
”Do you wanna go there?” she asked him. He kept his hand on the gate and watched into the village, angry and determined.   
”We have to”, Natsu answered. ”We have to find out what the hell is going on here.”  
He walked through the gates and threaded cautiously. Some of the buildings had been burned, but not all of them. The smell of death made him sick, so he pulled his scarf over his nose. He glanced over his shoulder. The girl trembled helplessly, and all colour had vanished from her face. She moved closer to him as if to find shelter in his shade, among all the chaos and death. Natsu took her hand into his, for it felt like the only right thing to do.  
The booths that once were full of goods were now torn down. Broken glass lied all around the street and the wooden doors were left open as if people had left in hurry. Natsu stopped in front of one corpse, lying face down on the dirt. It was a young woman’s body, maybe around twenty years. Her light blonde hair had turned dark from the dust and blood. He rolled the corpse over with his feet and flinched from the sight. Haru turned her head away, but Natsu just simply couldn’t. The woman’s chest was crushed with something that seemed to be a heavy axe.   
Natsu moved on, closer to the middle plaza. Everything was so silent one could almost hear the snowflakes landing on earth. Natsu noticed a bakery and a sign saying ”best chocolates in the world” over the door. Its window had been broken and the door left open, but the smoke rising from inside told that the chocolates were no more. Haru stopped there and gazed into the ruined bakery. She pressed Natsu’s hand a little tighter.  
”I was here”, she whispered. ”Everyone was alive and happy, and now...”  
”Strangely, there aren’t any more bodies on the street”, Natsu told. ”Maybe some of them survived. How many people lived here?”  
”Around four hundred.”  
”I’ve counted six dead. Maybe it isn’t as hopeless as it seems.”

But getting their hopes us was a mistake. When they reached the middle plaza, the sight of pure horror forced them to stop. Dozens of dead, maybe a hundred, were piled upon each other and frozen in bizarre positions. The water in the fountain had turned red from all the blood bled into it. Even little children, some barely older than newborns were slaughtered with their mothers.  
Natsu looked from the devastation into the girl’s face. She stared at them blankly and expressionlessly, but he knew that deep down she felt broken, too. Natsu heard something from behind him.  
”Where’s mommy?”   
They turned their heads towards the quiet voice. Natsu noticed small footsteps in the snow before seeing the boy, maybe around three or four years old. The child was pale as a ghost and covered in dust, dirt and blood. He stood on the street behind them and held a bloody teddybear in his hands. Haru’s face changed from blank to shocked when she saw the child.   
”Do you know where my mommy is?”   
Natsu noticed something familiar in the boy’s face. He had fair hair and large, blue eyes, and then Natsu realised that he was the son of the dead, blonde woman he found on the street. The realization ripped his heart apart and he wanted to burst into tears but forced them aside. Haru let go of his hand and kneeled in front of the little boy.  
”It’s okay”, she assured the child calmly. ”I know where your mommy is. You will see her soon enough.”  
She placed her hands on the boy’s chest. A sudden white light flashed in the air and the teddybear dropped to the ground. The child closed his eyes and fell into her arms. Natsu stared her with wide, terror-struck eyes and held his breath. Haru placed the child gently on the street and stood up.  
”What did you do to him?” Natsu shouted and dropped onto his knees next to the kid. He checked for his pulse but couldn’t find it. The child was dead. ”Why did you kill him?”  
She picked the plushie from her feet and tried to avoid his eye-contact. Natsu looked at the child and noticed the bloodstain on his blue shirt. With shaking hands, he lifted the shirt and found a gaping wound in his belly. It made him feel sick.   
”He would have died anyway”, Haru said calmly. ”I did the right thing.”   
”But we could have saved him!”  
”No we couldn’t! His gut had gone into necrosis, get it? The closest doctor is three or four days away from here. I did him a favor -”  
”No you didn’t, you killed him! Why didn’t you use your magic?”  
”My magic is no healing magic, remember? He was already dead, and no magic can reverse death! Even if he survived by some miracle, he would have never survived from this mental trauma. He would have lived a lifetime of agony for your stupid, selfish desire to save every goddamn person on earth. Sometimes death is the greatest act of mercy!”  
Tears fell on her face and she turned away from Natsu. The dragonslayer shuddered from head to toes. He looked at the dead boy, and then to the girl, who held the teddy bear and cried. The pain had vanished from the child’s face, and the sorrowful expression was replaced with calm happiness. He realised that Haru was right. No matter how badly it fought against his moral code, death was a relief for his child.  
Natsu lifted him up and carried his corpse to the blonde woman. He placed the child in his mother’s arms, enveloped his hand into flames and touched them gently. The fire caught their clothes fast and began to turn their remains into ashes. He did the same thing to everybody else on the streets, and lastly went to the middle plaza, and lighted the whole pile of the dead on fire.

Natsu sat down to the bench and watched as the remains of the village burned in dragonfire. Black smoke rose towards the darkened sky as flames ate the victims. Something grey fell on earth, either snow or ashes.   
Haru, having stopped crying, walked to the edge of the fire and threw the teddybear into the flames. She stood there for a while before sitting next to him.  
”I know you’re angry at me”, she began quietly. ”But it was the only thing to do.”  
”No, I’m not”, Natsu said and looked at her, but she avoided his eyes again. ”I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at whoever did this. I wonder how anyone can be so cruel to do this.”  
She sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes.  
”The darkness”, she said straightforwardly. ”This was caused by the dark.”  
A moment of silence was filled with the sound of a roaring blaze. Dozens of lifetimes, short and long, good and bad, all burned the same. Natsu remembered her mentioning the dark before, after the day they met.   
_You are on the verge of falling into the dark, just like Zeref did. It will happen again, and in your weakest moment, you'll give in._  
”Hey...” Natsu whispered. ”What is the darkness, exactly?”  
Haru gazed into the fire. Flakes of snow fell on her dark hair, looking like small flowers.   
”It’s a failed outcome of grief”, she answered after taking a deep breath. ”It’s a cycle of mourning that’s left uncompleted. It happens when you fail to move on and get stuck in the endless cycle of anger, bargaining and depression. That’s where the darkness comes. You lose yourself to the negative patterns and the dark eats you up from inside. The worst thing is, when you’ve been in the dark for too long, your eyes cannot bear the light anymore. You go blind. Darkness is a disease which kills you while you are still alive... and there’s nothing in this world which can reverse death.”  
Natsu allowed that to sink in for a while. It made perfect sense. To him, Igneel’s death was the crisis he had failed to overcome.  
”I like to think that the soul is made from fire”, she continued. ”The light inside your mind is your own light, from your soul. But the darkness suffocates the flame, dims it until it goes out. Once the fire dies, it cannot be rekindled. Then there is no more hope, no more fear, nothing left to lose. And then… things like this happen.”  
But for many times before Natsu had felt like his flame had extinguished completely, but it seemed that even the embers were enough to rekindle it. As long as there was some warmth, some spark, all hope wasn’t gone.   
”Makes sense. Have you ever met someone who has completely fallen to the dark?” Natsu asked.   
”Zeref. And my mother.”  
Natsu didn’t find any words to say. He had met many people who were consumed by the darkness, and now he truly perceived the danger in which he stood. He had been fighting against bad, crestfallen guys for so many times, and yet he had almost become one himself. Just a day or two in the darkness and he would have become the man capable of doing things like this.   
”I’m so tired of it”, Natsu said. ”I’m tired of dwelling in hatred and grief, but still, I feel such powerlessness in front of it all.”  
She turned towards him but didn’t look into his eyes. ”What do you struggle the most with?”  
”Myself”, he said, not having to think too long for an answer. ”That I don’t know my own strength when I destroy everything. I feel like everything I touch turns to coal… and then to dust.”

Natsu looked at the girl, who gazed into the fire. The flames danced in her large, dark eyes. This was the first time Haru spoke to him without riddles and metaphors, straightforwardly and honestly. And the way she talked about the darkness confirmed what Natsu had deemed all this time. She had truly known the dark, very personally, very closely. But he didn’t need to know what had driven her there. He only needed to know one thing.   
”Have you been there for too long?” Natsu asked and put his hand in the front of her face, and ignited a small flame, like candlelight, on his palm. ”Can you still see the light?”  
She turned her eyes from the burning pile to the small flame. She watched it for a while and then, finally, looked into Natsu’s eyes.   
”I can see it”, she whispered. ”I can see the light.”  
”Then you are not too far gone”, Natsu said and extinguished the flame.   
”Natsu...”  
”I know it”, Natsu said and looked at her gently. It might have been the first time she called him by his forename. ”You can still turn into the light if you only want to do so.”  
”But...”  
”You know what? You’ve helped me to see the light, in this short time we have known. It means there’s still fire left in you. I don’t know what happened to you, but you are a fighter, right? So fight. Keep the fire up.”  
For the first time, Natsu saw a glimpse of a smile on her face. It lasted for less than a second, but it was definitely a small, short smile. She realised it too and turned her head away.  
For that moment, Natsu believed darkness wasn’t always a bad thing. Under certain circumstances, darkness could be the main factor in creating a bond between two broken hearts. A stronger bond than it would otherwise be.   
At least that Natsu wanted to believe, or maybe he should have already learned that getting his hopes up would always be a mistake.


	9. OF FIRE

_”Like a circle around me_  
_is the prison of this boundary_  
_I need a storm to break it down._  
_Shield your eyes from the firelight_  
_But please don't turn away from my side_  
_I am not that which I fight.”_  
Trees of Eternity – A Million Tears

It was early morning when Lucy sealed the letter with trembling hands. For days she had struggled to find the right words to say, and last night the words finally came to her. She had awakened before sunrise to write it, and now she had been sitting there in front of her desk for hours, re-reading the three sentences which desperately tried to concentrate her feelings.   
_ Natsu, I’ve arranged a meeting on the 30th of November, at the ruins of our guildhall, to revive our broken guild. I hope I’ll see you there. I hope Fairy Tail still lives in your heart._  
There had been so much more she had wanted to say but knew it was best to keep it short. Natsu wasn’t a person of literature, and in fact, Lucy was unsure if he could even read properly. A letter too long would only bore him to death.  
Last night, Natsu appeared in her dream, in an almost unrecognisable form, and the right words found her. He had lost a lot of weight, his tanned skin had turned ashen, his hair had grown and tangled badly. All love and joy had disappeared from his eyes, just like Happy had told her. Wearing a black, tattered coat, he walked down the streets of Magnolia. Lucy had been waiting for him, and when he finally arrived, he didn't even notice her. He moved forward like a perfect stranger, vanished into the crowd and didn’t look back. That dream had struck a new kind of fear into her heart. Or it wasn’t fear, it was a realisation. The hope of having him back as he used to be was gone. Her heart told her Natsu was still alive, but the man she knew and loved was dead.  
There was a note on her desk, written in horrible handwriting by Happy. Yesterday Happy suddenly said that ”if Natsu’s still alive he’ll visit this inn on his way” and wrote up an address. Lucy stared at the note for a while before adding it to the envelope. She had heard of that town. It had been the place where the paths of Natsu and Happy diverged, in the far North. Lucy wrote the Inn’s name and address, and instructions to give it to a pink-haired mage named Natsu Dragneel if he would ever show up. She got dressed, picked the letter and left to take it out before the morning mail.   
The sun was rising over the city, but Lucy’s heart remained in shadows. Maybe the night had come for her, too.   
  
It had snowed for three days and nights, dressing the earth into a white veil. The autumn had ended and winter had come to soothe the nature into rest. But for the two travellers, it had been everything else than soothing.   
Natsu had barely slept since they left the village. Finding a place to sleep wasn’t even the most difficult task - finding food was. The food they gathered from the summer house had run out two days ago, and the frozen waters made fishing impossible. He could always melt the ice with fire dragon’s roar, but that would, most likely, evaporate the whole lake. One evening Natsu caught a rabbit but accidentally burned it into an inedible pile of ashes. Since then they had eaten snow, as disgusting as it was, it was the only way to stay hydrated - and alive. Haru had assured him she was all fine, but Natsu was very worried of her. She had gotten thinner, even her round, soft cheeks had begun to sink in. She seemed weaker every day. Natsu’s hope lied on the seemingly endless railway. While others chased the end of a rainbow, they followed the rails. The rails would eventually lead them to the next town.  
The day had barely dawned but they had been up for an hour or two. Natsu glanced at the girl walking beside him but saw nothing but the black hood covering her head. She was almost a head shorter than him, nearly as short as Levy was. Sometimes he wanted to call her "shrimp" like Gajeel used to do to Levy. But from what he had observed those two, he assumed it would end painfully.  
”Hey”, Natsu said, his voice raspy and dry. He had been quiet for too long. ”Do you ever wonder how the guy managed to kill all those 400 people?”  
Haru lifted her shoulders. ”The only thing comes to my mind is some kind of paralyse spell or manipulation. I don’t know, but if he’s capable of taking down hundreds of people by himself, we should stay cautious in case we meet him.”  
”I want to fight him. It has been too long since I had a proper fight.”  
”Just be careful, okay?”  
”I always am”, Natsu grinned. ”But I won’t kill him. He deserves to rot in prison for what he has done”  
She fell quiet and Natsu stared into the distance. The rails next to them were buried under snow, but their outlines were still visible. He had a feeling they would arrive today. He wasn’t sure if he could bear through another night.  
”This is where I sent Happy away”, Natsu said. ”I was in that town. I remember these landscapes. I remember the first night I spent alone, somewhere here. My memories are scattered all around but... I’m starting to remember things I would rather forget.”  
Once again, the words formed easily and came out without an effort. He had never thought it would be this easy to talk to someone about how he felt, when before it had felt impossible to utter a single word. Haru turned to look at him quickly. Her dark eyes were cloudy from the lack of sleep, but she listened.  
”These things haunt me”, the dragonslayer continued. ”They come into my dreams. I even threatened to kill Happy, and it keeps repeating in my head like a broken record. I can still see it in his eyes how my words break his heart. It feels like fucking shit.”  
In fact, Happy had nearly nothing to do with his dreams. Lately, he had just seen the same dream, the one in which he accidentally kills her. Each night when he found her lying in his arms, covered in blood and snow, his heart broke a little more. He knew how dangerous his power was, and it was always possible for the nightmare to come true.   
”You can make it up with him, I’m sure”, she said calmly. ”I think true friendship can endure some shit. He’ll understand.”  
Natsu smiled shortly. He needed to talk about the nightmare, but not directly. He didn’t want to scare her. ”Would you forgive me if I threatened to kill you?”  
”Hey, you already did”, she chuckled. ”When we met you said you can push me over the edge or send me flying with your flaming iron dragon shit fist. I think we got over that.”   
The dragonslayer looked down at his feet, trying to hide embarrassment. ”And I slapped you in the face and almost ruptured your neck.”  
”And that has been the closest thing to friendship I guess I ever had.”  
It hit him surprisingly hard. Natsu didn't want to be her closest thing to friendship. It sounded so horribly sad, because to him, she had begun to mean so much more.  
”Can I make it up with you?” he asked softly.   
”You already have.”  
A light blush rose to the dragonslayer’s cheeks, or maybe it was just the frostbites on his skin.

The sun crept higher on the sky only to set again behind the mountains and trees. The day passed by slowly, but judging from the signs at the side of the railway, there were only three miles to go. Exhaustion started to grow overbearing, but they had to keep going on. A little question had lingered in his mind for a while now, and he feared he would lose it if he waited too long.   
”Hey”, Natsu started but hesitated a moment. ”Would you... Would you like to join Fairy Tail?”  
She glanced at him, but then turned her head. From the second he had seen her eyes he could already judge the question had awakened something rather obnoxious.   
”You can’t invite me to a guild which no longer exists”, she answered composedly. ”And even if it did, I don't know if it would be a good idea.”  
Natsu felt a little troubled. It had never been his intention to cause any upset in her. He just wanted to know what would happen when all of this would be over. She sounded exhausted, angry even. The good mood she had in the morning was gone.   
”A good idea? How?” he asked.   
”Do you accept killers?”  
The dragonslayer blinked his eyes for the absurd question. ”We accept everyone who has their heart in the right place. Their past doesn’t matter.”  
”A person who has his heart anywhere but on the left side of the ribcage would be pretty much dead.”  
”I didn’t mean it literally! Dammit!”  
Natsu chuckled, amused by her wordplay, but then he got serious again when he noticed the grim aura looming around her. She was surely tired and hungry, like him, but that alone couldn’t explain her reaction. Something was off. He began to regret ever asking her that.  
”Anyway, why would I join you?” she asked.  
Natsu tried to look into her eyes, but she kept her head turned away. ”So you wouldn’t be alone anymore.”  
”I don’t need a guild to feel lonely.”  
He struggled to understand what she meant. To him, there was a single _not_ missing from her sentence. Grim emotions started to bubble up inside of the dragonslayer, too. Her rejection made _him_ lonely.  
”I just thought that... What will you do after we have won? I thought... we could continue to hang out if you joined us. If we survive. If we live”, Natsu asked, stuttering. She looked at him again, and he had hoped to find comfort in her eyes, but there wasn’t any. Her eyes were full of something he just couldn’t grasp.   
”You are sure that we will win? Anyway, the only thing I know for sure is that I will fuck off from your life, as you told me to do.”  
Then he realized it was bitterness. Natsu had totally forgotten having said that, and it struck him like a dagger into the heart. Maybe that had been the reason why she distanced herself from him. Maybe she feared to get involved with him if she would only lose him later.  
”I...I...” he stuttered. ”I didn’t mean it. I didn’t even know you then.”  
”And you still don’t.”  
The dragonslayer stopped and let her walk a few steps ahead of him. Asking her to join the guild had surely been an untimely mistake. She noticed his halt and turned around. She stared at him with sorrow in her eyes, with a gaze there was no escaping from, and a heavy load landed on his chest. Natsu’s heart beat restlessly as they stood there in silence.   
”Because you won’t let me”, Natsu replied quietly. He tried to escape from the hold of guilt by turning his sadness into a rage. ”You hide from me. You know everything about me, you see through me with some fucking laser eyes but I don’t know shit about you. You conceal everything. How can I ever know you if you won’t _let me_?”  
His volume rose towards the end as his feelings formed into a black, big mess inside of him. But now, the mess failed to scare him. It fed his rage.  
”If I ever let you, you’d wish you never did. I’m just better on my own, right?”  
”No, you’re not”, he shouted. ”You’re a fucking wreck. We both are. That’s why we met in a queue for suicide. You and me, we are not better on our own. We need -”  
”Don’t tell me what I need. The queue was just a manner of speech”, she interrupted. ”I didn’t go there to die. When I choose to die there won’t be any chance for survival. Death by falling is always such uncertainty.”  
”How do you survive from a thousand feet fall?” Natsu asked, knitting his brows.   
”Miracles happen”, she said. ”But when I die, there won’t be a miracle. I’ll just die. I guess that’s what I’ll do after we win this war. I’ll do what I’m supposed to, then I’ll be gone. That’s why I’m not joining your guild. There’s no tomorrow for me, no future. My heart’s not in the right fucking place. You wouldn’t want a teammate who’s already dead.”  
All the sorrow he felt turned into anger before he could even notice. Her words pained him the most. He had genuinely hoped to continue being with her, but a single, stupid outburst he didn’t even remember anymore had ruined everything.  
”Then what’s the fucking point of your life anymore?” Natsu yelled. ”What’s keeping you here, if you are already dead? What’s what you are supposed to do?”  
”I’ll kill Acnologia”, she answered, sounding just as angry as him. ”That’s the point of my life. That’s what Zeref made me for.”  
Natsu stared at her blankly, from head to toes. Just how could she even... even think of that. The shock calmed his heart for a moment. But just a moment. All this talk, all this nonsense confused him too much. Nothing made sense anymore, everything he had thought to be true was gone. The image he had forged of her seemed to have been only an illusion.  
”That’s my kill, not yours. You aren’t stealing my vengeance from me”, he said calmly, but his tone told the opposite. ”And if you aren’t strong enough to kill Zeref, you definitely can’t take down that dragon.”  
”Remember when I said that the weakest one can turn out to be the most dangerous of them all?”  
”You have to be shitting me. Acnologia will only die from laughter if a tiny shrimp like you tickles him.”  
”And when I told you there’s a way? I am the way.”  
Natsu buried his face into his hands for a moment, then dragged the fingers down on his skin. He shook his head and stared at her.  
”Sorry, girl, but have you ever even seen that dragon? I have. Twice. He’s the biggest threat to humanity -”  
”You don’t believe me? You don’t think I’ll be able to kill a dragon?”  
”Honestly? I don’t.”  
”Well, I guess I’m not needed anymore. Then, truly, what’s the point? What’s keeping me there?”   
”Hey -”  
”Yeah. Nothing.”  
She turned her back on him, but Natsu grabbed her wrist before she took a single step forward. Natsu pulled her closer to him, not caring about her resistance.  
”Let go of me”, she hissed and writhed from his hold. ”If you can take care of Acnologia by yourself, then do it. Take your fucking revenge. But let go of me.”  
”Just stop”, Natsu whispered. ”Please, calm down.”  
”Let me go or -”

It was then when she noticed it, too. There was someone on the rails, approaching through the veil of falling snow. Black, waist-long hair swayed in the wind and an enormous axe on his back contrasted against the grey skies. Natsu recognised his smell. _He_ was the one.   
Haru crept right next to him, so close her side touched his. Natsu held tighter on her wrist. The aura around the man was so murderous and sinister it nearly made him sick. But he did not fear. He was angry. The man was towering tall, maybe taller than anyone he knew.   
The man stopped at a distance and stared at the girl hiding behind the dragonslayer as if he didn’t notice him at all. With eyes locked on her, he moved closer, until Natsu yelled:  
”Hey, motherfucker, wanna fight?”   
”No”, the man said, with a low bass voice. ”I’ll take princess April back and leave.”  
Haru’s eyes widened. She let Natsu’s hand go and stepped in front of him.  
”What do you want?” she asked. The former melancholy and self-pity in her had disappeared. ”Who are you?”   
”Who I am does not matter at all. Your mother asked to bring you back before the Emperor arrives. He would be the most upset to see his little pet gone missing.”  
Natsu didn’t understand anything of what was going on. He just stared both of them in utter confusion.   
”Did you kill all these people? From the village, and before it?” Haru asked.   
”I got bored”, the man grinned. ”It’s hard to find a single shrimp from the sea, especially one who doesn’t even have a presence. I had a little fun while searching for you. Now, come quietly and I’ll give your boyfriend a quick, clean death.”  
”What the fuck’s this crap?” Natsu shouted from the side, but none of them listened. She pushed him back, not letting him intervene.   
”You won’t hurt him”, Haru said strictly. ”I won’t let you.”  
”Oh, I know all your dirty tricks. Your mother told me everything. There’s a very high reward on delivering you to her, and I’m not gonna miss it. You know, I’ve always wanted to fuck the Scarlet Despair. Now, come here you little shit, or -”  
”Hey, I’m here, too! Fight me, bastard!” Natsu’s yell interrupted his speech. Natsu enrobed his fist into a fire and readied himself for a charge.  
But a white light flashed in Natsu’s eyes as she jumped in front of the man. It blinded him for seconds, and a sickening screech pierced the air. When the light faded, the snow was stained in blood. He lied face down on the ground, and his battle-axe had landed at the girl’s feet. But judging from the shape of his head, he no longer had a face to lie down on. It had been crushed into an unrecognisable form. The flame died in Natsu’s hands and he stared at her without uttering a single word.  
  
Though the silence lasted only seconds, it felt like minutes. Natsu counted the blood drops spilt on her pale skin trying to avoid her gaze. He didn’t want her to see through his mind now. It was the disappointment which burned him the most. A million questions filled his head, yet he didn't know how to say a single one of them.  
”I had to choose between killing him and letting him kill you”, she stated finally. ”And I choose the first.”  
Among all the confusion, the black mass inside of him was still churning restlessly. It felt like a ten-ton stone on his chest, and he pressed his fingers into fists. He still couldn’t look into her eyes.   
”We weren’t supposed to kill him”, he said quietly. ”It’s not up to us to decide who can live and who can not. Death is not what he deserved - a lifetime in prison was.”  
”If I'd acted a second too late, I would be talking to a severed head right now.”  
Natsu stroked his neck nervously. He glowered at the dead man, feeling dysphoric and sick. He couldn’t comprehend how she had done it. It took just a blink of an eye, and the man lied lifeless on the snow with a shattered head. It had been euthanasia when she killed the little boy in the village, but this, this was just a brutal murder. And no matter what he had done before, it was wrong. When you killed a killer, the number of killers in the world stayed the same. That's what Makarov taught him.   
”I wanted to fight him, give him a chance to -”  
”Which part you did not understand? I killed him before you’d do something stupid. You had that look in your eyes. I saved you.”  
Natsu lifted his head and finally met her sorrowful eyes. She turned around and began to walk away. It shocked him even more. He stared into the back of her head, and the dark short hair which waved gently in the wind.  
”What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just kill people off like that and escape as nothing happened!” Natsu shouted ”It’s wrong! You know, Fairy Tail wizards never kill their enemies. Never! No matter what they have done, we might give them a brutal beating, but we never kill them! I really thought better of you! I really did!”  
Natsu spat the raging words out like venom. Smoke started to evaporate from his pores as his mind heated up even more.   
”But I’m not a Fairy Tail wizard”, she replied, without looking back. It was another dagger into his already messed-up heart.  
”What are you going to do now? Die?” he asked bitterly.   
”Maybe.”  
”You can’t just leave me.”  
”I can.”  
That was it. It was enough to snap his nerves. He formed a tiny ball of fire and threw it into her direction without intending to strike her with it. It was just a bluff, used to catch her attention. The ball missed her by three feet as meant, and dropped in the snow, creating a mild explosion. Red haze began to cloud his vision.  
”What the fuck is this? What happened to you? What happened to us?” the dragonslayer cried out. ”I am fucking sorry for what I said! I didn’t want this!”  
She stayed silent and left her little footsteps on the snow as she walked away. Her silence fed his flames like gasoline. Deep down he understood he wasn’t really angry, but just disappointed, shocked and sad. He just wanted to run to her, hold her, and make everything right again. But right now, anger gave him the strength to act. As it always did.  
_I don't want to lose you.  
_ ”Then fucking go ahead and die then!” he roared with the whole force of his lungs. Even that wasn’t enough to turn her head. He created another fireball and send the flaming projectile towards her with brutal power. Natsu knew she would dodge it, and so she did. She agilely jumped left and rolled around. The girl had a fierce look in her eyes, one Natsu had never seen before on her. Her hostile gaze was almost enough to calm him down, but just almost. After a few seconds of her silence, his rage was up again.  
He produced the final fire, this one larger than any before, and sent it directly where she stood. In his rage, he gave a little bit too much force into it and regretted a little bit too late.  
This time she didn’t dodge it.

The fierce look faded into sorrow in her dark eyes when the fire hit her directly to the chest. The impact sent her twenty feet back in the air and left her unmoving to the ground, in the middle of a snow cloud.   
Natsu’s heart beat rapidly in his chest, and the air got stuck in his windpipe. Slowly, the red haze faded. The rage twisted into horror when he realised what he had done. The fright froze him completely. He just looked into the snow until it set down and he could see the girl. Haru lied on her back, perfectly still. The dark curls covered her face and Natsu’s body commenced to quiver. His nightmare came back to him, and for a moment he had to convince himself he wasn't sleeping.  
_Crap, crap, crap, crap!_  
”Hey”, Natsu’s voice trembled when he tried to speak. ”Are you okay?”  
The silence was deafening. He had shot her straight into the core with serious strength. Imminent guilt and self-hatred whipped him bloody, but he was too afraid to move. He wanted to run to her, but his legs refused to listen. He didn’t want to find her dead.  
”Haru?” he said quietly. ”Answer me!”  
Natsu realised he was crying when something warm flooded into his cheeks. The tears left contrails on his skin as they rolled down, washing away the dirt.  
_I don’t know my own strength when I destroy everything._  
But then the girl turned on her stomach and couched, and a wave of enormous relief wiped through Natsu’s body. The knot on his stomach opened and the air moved freely in his lungs again. Natsu sprinted to her and dropped onto his knees in front of the girl, then turned her over again.  
”I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” he cried to her as tears streamed from his eyes. ”I didn’t mean to hurt you, not really! It was meant to be a bluff, I was sure you would dodge it, it wasn’t supposed to be a that strong hit!”  
The words welled up from his mouth so fast even Natsu himself couldn’t keep up. Natsu wiped his tears and tried to observe her body. There weren’t visible wounds, except small lacerations from the impact with the ground. She opened her eyes as she recovered from the shot.  
”I’m fine”, she whispered and struggled to sit. ”The shield that blocks my magical aura also protects me from magic. Your fire didn’t hurt me.”  
He didn’t understand what she meant. He didn’t understand anything at all. Natsu took her hand into his, pressed it tight and looked straight into her eyes.  
”Haru, please... don’t turn away from my side”, he tried to say through the tears. It had been what he had meant the whole time, but it had come out rather miserably. ”I am not that which I fight. I am not that. I am not!”  
The emotions and fear he had hidden under the angry mask crept out: sorrow, loneliness, fear of himself. This conflict brought all of them into the daylight, exposed him, revealed things he would never want to reveal. He was truly capable of hurting someone, even if he held them dear. With all his heart he hoped she could find it in her to forgive him.  
”Okay”, she whispered quietly, lifting the weight from his shoulders. Natsu collapsed into her arms and cried against her chest as she caressed his back. He stayed there for a minute or another without saying a single word. He breathed in her scent and calmed into it, trying to forget everything.  
”Are we okay?” he mumbled in her coat, and she nodded. ”You must settle this with me. Hit me, stab me, whatever you want, but settle the score.”  
”There’s no need -”  
Natsu pushed himself apart from her and looked at her strictly. He couldn't watch his actions through his fingers. Her calm reaction was only making it worse for him. He had to make it right. He had to make it up.  
”Please, just hit me. Once. Not with your head-crushing magic though. Just hit me.”  
”I’ll pass.”  
”C'mon, hit me! Then we are settled, and we continue this journey, okay? We'll be in the town soon enough. We'll feel better. We are just exhausted and hungry, okay? We'll move on and forget this, right?”   
She seemed to accept his plea. She rose up, circled behind him and gave a powerful whack to the back of the head. It was stronger than he had anticipated, it blurred his vision and everything went black.   
When he woke up, she was gone. 


	10. OF BLOOD 1/2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are sensitive to self-harm and suicide, this chapter might be unsettling to you.

_”When the silence beckons _  
_And the day draws to a close _  
_When the light of your life sighs _  
_And love dies in your eyes _  
_Only then will I realize _  
_What you mean to me.”_  
Anathema - Inner Silence

  
The snowfall finally ceased, after three long days.  
Natsu opened his eyes slowly. He remembered pleading for her to hit him, and it seemed she had done it. A terrible ache filled his entire head when he struggled to get sitting. The amount of light had stayed the same so he couldn’t have been out for long, maybe a minute or two. With cloudy vision, he searched the environment. There were only snowy trees, the grey sky, a dead body and footsteps leading into the forest.  
_Footsteps. _  
”Haru?” he called and rose up too fast. His blood pressure dropped, and for a few seconds, he saw nothing, nearly blacking out again. He folded in two and took support from his knees until blood flowed back into his head.  
”Where are you?”  
He circled around but didn’t see a trace of her anywhere, except for the prints in the snow. They horrified him. For her to be alone now wasn’t right at all. He forgot his exhaustion as adrenaline began to run through his veins.  
_ She wouldn’t go on without me. She wouldn’t split, right?_  
”Where did you go?” he shouted at the trees. The pines and spruces did not answer, neither did the birds and squirrels. The sun would set soon and wind would wipe away the steps. Natsu sprinted after them with fear building up inside him.  
_Then fucking go ahead and die._  
Fear twisted into terror when he remembered his own words, spat out in a peak of anger, words he never really meant. A culmination of desperation, reverse psychology he never should have used. As he ran deeper into the forest, the steps disappeared and left nothing but her scent to follow on. No matter how hard he wanted to believe she _wouldn’t_ really do it, he knew she would. In that moodset, she certainly would go ahead and die.  
His stomach turned into a nest of restless snakes when he didn't find her nearby. It became difficult to breathe. The scent didn’t lead him anywhere, he was just walking in circles. He looked behind the same rocks and the same trees over and over again, growing more distressed every minute. The twilight was coming, slowly but surely.  
”Are you there!?” Natsu shouted desperately to the darkening forest. ”Where did you go? If you are here somewhere, just make a sound or something! This isn’t funny anymore, never was! I never meant the things I said!”  
And just when he was losing hope, he saw a black miserable bundle sitting by the small natural spring. Natsu recognised the brown curls of the figure. He ran to her, almost tackling into his own feet.  
”Hey! What’s going on?” he cried out when he reached her and patted her shoulder, startling her. She dropped something to the ground. When she turned her head Natsu noticed the colour of red in the snow. It took him a second to realise it was blood.  
_When I choose to die there won’t be any chance for survival._

Natsu crashed to the ground right next to her and took her shivering hands into his. She tried to push him away with the little strength which remained in her. He turned her palms to the sky and blood flowed down from deep cuts in her both arms. Natsu glimpsed at her bloodstained silvery dagger and then into her placid eyes. The sight made him forgot all the discord between them and all that mattered was helping her. There was a small laceration on her neck, too. It didn't bleed, but if he had come a minute too late, it surely would.   
_ There won’t be a miracle._  
”What… Why...” Natsu muttered in shock and turned his eyes back to the bleeding wrists. There was no time for questions, though. Each beat of her heart pulsated more blood, it stained the snow as well as his clothes. The crimson streams flowed to the spring, dissolving into the water and turning its colour from clear to red. Her face was turning ashen, her lips were blue, and he had to do something quickly, or she would bleed to her death. Her words kept hopelessly reverberating in his head. This just couldn’t be what she had chosen. Just couldn’t.  
_There’s no tomorrow for me, no future._  
”Let me go”, she whispered and tried to wriggle free from his hold. Natsu was using all of his brain trying to figure out how to save her. The struggling exhausted all her strength and she collapsed into his arms, and his dream came crushing back. She closed her eyes and began to drift away. The scenery, everything was just like it had been in his nightmare. Her, lying in his arms, bleeding, soon not breathing... Then the answer struck into his mind like a thunderbolt.  
_But there can be fire._  
”Don’t say anything. Just hold still”, Natsu commanded. ”I’ll burn them. You'll be fine, I promise.”  
”No”, she muttered. She was still there. ”It won’t work. The shield... which protects...”  
Panic hit him hard as he remembered it. Her wounds, running straight from wrist to elbow was too deep, too wide to staunch with cloth and pressure. Fire was her only hope, but she claimed his fire could not hurt her. Maybe it could _save_ her.  
”Force it down”, the dragonslayer told her strictly. At this point, he shuddered just as much as her. It was difficult to stay calm among all the chaos, but he had to.  
”I can’t”, she whispered so silently it couldn’t be even heard. ”It’s impossible.”  
Natsu looked at her face, truly starting to fear he would lose her. She opened her teary eyes heavily, gazed straight into him, and the pain in her pleaded him to just let her go.  
”Force it down”, he repeated. ”I’m not letting you die in my arms. You are my friend, get it!?”  
”Natsu -”  
”I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO, SO FORCE IT DOWN OR I WILL!”   
While his yell was still echoing in the darkening forest, something white ignited in her dark eyes. It started as a small, little flame, which grew larger and larger. She looked at him with tears welling up when a loud crack pierced the air. Natsu held onto her tighter as a white, bright light flashed from her and filled the whole forest and moved forward like a pressure wave.  
A magical aura flooded from the broken shell with the most frightening, utmost intensity Natsu had ever sensed. Like a bottled up spirit, it blinded him completely as it flowed freely among the snow and trees. So dangerous, so overwhelming, yet it still agitated him, excited his every cell, lit his very soul ablaze. It captured his whole being into its grasp. Natsu looked down at the girl lying in his arms, wondering how this tremendous magic could have been hiding inside her all this time... but then he realised it was exactly what has drawn him to her like the flame draws the moth. Her magic was equally frightening and thrilling as his. Natsu lost himself into it as it reached down inside him and touched something no-one had ever even scratched before. It left its mark into his core and left him wanting for more.  
Though only seconds had passed, it felt like a tiny eternity. For a moment Natsu forgot everything, but then he understood that the shield protecting her was now down. As the girl almost disappeared into the whiteness, Natsu grabbed her wrist and pulled her from there, placed his palms on her wounds and poured his flames into her. Yet she didn’t scream, didn’t wriggle, she let the fire in.  
He could see the agony in her eyes when finally extinguished the flames. She gazed at the dragonslayer from under her hair and every remaining bit of colour had escaped from her face. She muttered something only he could hear before she fell into unconsciousness, and her magic disappeared with her.   
Natsu had been her miracle.

_ ”Mister, do you know her name and social security number?”_  
_ ”Her name is Haru and she was born in April 27 years ago.”_  
_ ”We can’t find her medical history with that information. Has she gone through an open-heart surgery? There are several scars -”_  
_ ”I don’t know! Just save her!”_  
_ ”Mister, we can’t treat her if -”_  
_ ”YOU SAVE HER OR I WILL BURN THIS WHOLE HOSPITAL TO THE GROUND! DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!? I AM NATSU DRAGNEEL OF FAIRY TAIL AND MARK MY WORDS, THERE WON’T BE NOTHING BUT ASHES ON THIS FUCKING PLACE IF YOU LOSE HER!” _

Maybe he had overdone it, but they had done their best.  
Natsu had been watching the blood dripping into her for an hour or two. The hard chair was growing uncomfortable under him, but he just couldn’t leave yet. He wanted to be there when she would wake up, or the questions circling inside his mind would haunt him forever. Ever since they brought her back from the operation he had been just sitting there in her room, lost in his own thoughts.   
During these long hours, he tried to figure out why she did what she did. Natsu couldn’t blame her - he had been there too and knew that mindset too well. Sometimes the thoughts came completely out of the blue. Sometimes it took just one wrong word, one wrong thing to trigger the urge to die, and all that mattered was ending the pain. But for her, it had been so much more.  
Chills shot up on his spine when he thought of the way her magic had touched his very core. He could still feel its sting down inside him. He had been so wrong about her, thinking of her as a weak little shrimp... if her magic couldn’t take Acnologia down, nothing in the world would. It still felt unbelievable that those tremendous powers had been hiding underneath her skin all this time. And yet he felt so guilty for doubting her, putting her down, making her feel insignificant. He just wanted to tell her how sorry he was.  
Natsu could barely see her from there. The lights were dimmed, and the visitor’s chair was placed in the corner next to the door, probably so they could leave fast if needed. The hospital bed was ridiculously large compared to her tiny body, and she disappeared into the light green sheets. Natsu wasn’t sure what they did to her, but it seemed she would make it.  
It was maybe two o’clock at night and became difficult to keep the eyes open. He had completely forgotten his own exhaustion, but now as the situation had calmed, and the adrenaline dissolved, his tiredness crept back.  
The door opened quietly next to him and a nurse in the light green dress came in.  
”Mister, the visitation time has ended several hours ago”, the nurse said, calmly but strictly. ”You can come back tomorrow.”  
”I can’t go”, Natsu pouted. ”I have to be here when she wakes.”  
”Mister, we’ve only let you stay this long because of the... threat... you made. I believe you’ve calmed down now. She’s out of critical, and we will contact you if something changes.”  
”I’m staying”, he told.  
”Do I have to call the guards? Or the police?”  
Natsu wiped his face, sighed deeply and rose up. His legs burned as blood flowed back to them. The lactic acid had begun to stiffen his muscles - he had run all the way from the forest to the town, carrying her in his back, and now it was taking its toll. He walked to the window, opened it and left it slightly open.  
”We have been camping for two weeks. She needs fresh air to sleep”, he explained and the nurse seemed to accept it. ”I’ll go now. Fuck the police.”  
Natsu took one last look of her before he went.

The streets were all empty, dark and lonely. His whole world was cold without her by his side.  
He remembered the town. He remembered that café, this museum, that park... He could almost remember Happy and sense his presence as a ghost near him. The memories from this place were everything but happy, but he could also remember the inn they stayed for a night, and the ramen they had eaten there. Maybe food would ease his sufferings even a little. He walked through the snow-covered alleys to find the inn. It was located near the market and the middle park.  
Natsu had thought for the cold to vanish from his bones when he would reach indoors, but it didn’t. Though air felt cosy and smelled of food and ale, it failed to warm him. The hall was empty except for the innkeeper, who cleaned the mugs and cups behind the counter. Natsu recognised the old man.  
”What can I get you, sir?” the innkeeper asked. Natsu’s eyes still wandered around the room. The table next to the fireplace was the one he had sat with Happy.  
”A room, at least for a night”, he said quietly. ”And one ale and warm soup, thanks.”  
”What’s your name, sir? For the registry”, the old man asked. Natsu glanced at him. He had long, white hair as if he had kept the inn forever and never went to see a barber.  
”Natsu Dragneel”, the dragonslayer answered. Before he could take a seat, the man stopped him.  
”I have a letter for you. Here, take it, with the keys to your room. I’ll bring the drink and the food to you shortly.”  
The handwriting on the envelope was familiar to him. Natsu thanked with a quick nod and went to the corner table. He sat down, laid Haru’s leather bag and his own backpack on the floor, stripped the coat and tossed it to accompany the bags. The letter on the table stared right into him, waiting to be opened, but he hesitated.  
_ Lucy._  
He had known it was from her. He held the paper in his trembling hands, trying to read the single paragraph the letter was, but his eyes failed to concentrate on the words. Only then he realized how tired he was when the words kept jumping on each other and his vision blurred again and again.   
_Natsu, I’ve arranged a meeting on the 30th of November, at the ruins of our guildhall, to revive our broken guild. _  
Natsu didn’t know which day it was today, but it had to be October still. He would make it in time, but it would require at least one train trip. Shit.  
_ I hope I’ll see you there. I hope Fairy Tail still lives in your heart._  
A small smile glimpsed on his face, after all the darkness he had faced during the past few days.  
”Hey, can you fetch me a paper? I’ve got to reply this”, he hollered at the innkeeper. He nodded and came with ale, soup and a piece of paper.  
”Had a rough day, young man?” the old man asked and looked at his chest. Natsu didn’t understand what was wrong until he lowered his head to notice the bloodstains on his grey shirt. He took a long gulp from the ale stein.  
”Pretty rough”, he said, refreshed by the drink. ”Saved someone’s life.”  
”That’s very noble”, the man answered and smiled.   
”Guess I should change my profession from a mage into a suicide hotline. Wasn’t my first time to stop someone from killing themselves. It happens all the time. Dark times, huh?”  
The man still kept smiling.  
”You’ll surely have a special place in that person’s heart from now on.”  
”I don’t think so. It was my fault she -”  
”You’ll have. Maybe not now, but later, when they remember the value of life again, they’ll be thankful you were there. You’ll always be the one who gave them another chance, another day. Right now you are the hope they think they have lost. You are the light that sparked in their night.”  
Natsu had to turn his eyes away from the old man. He walked away, still smiling this sage smile, but his shared wisdom lingered in Natsu’s mind a moment longer. He knew very personally what he meant. She had been the hope he believed to have lost, and now it was time to return the hope back. 

He had finished the ale a while ago, but he just couldn’t swallow a single spoonful of the soup. It was a fish soup which he used to like, but he didn’t feel too well in his stomach. The snakes had crawled back after leaving the hospital. They hissed and squirmed inside him, twisting his guts, biting his flesh and poisoning his blood. He left the soup untouched and began to write the letter. It was maybe three o’clock in the morning, and his handwriting became even more messy, unreadable. He kept the pen in his left hand and pushed it forward on the paper.  
_I wouldn’t miss it for the world_ was all he managed to write. It looked just horrible, but he hoped Lucy could read it. He picked his stuff up and gave the note to the innkeeper as he passed by. The old man promised to send it. Natsu thanked, climbed up the chairs, and stumbled to find the right room. He stopped at the second door on the left side of the hall, turned the key in the lock and stepped into the dark, cold chamber. Closing the door behind him, he tossed the bags on the table as well as his coat and collapsed straight into the bed.  
But sleep didn’t come.   
Despite the warming ale, he felt horribly cold inside, almost as if Grey had turned his bones into icicles. He buried himself under the blankets, but the cold refused to leave. It couldn’t be fever anymore: his wound had healed nicely enough. It was something else. He fumbled in the dark to reach the leather bag and pulled it closer, still staying in the bed. His fingers found soft velvet and drew it to him. It was her dress, the one she had been wearing the day they met. He felt the lacy, ornamented details on his skin, ones he hadn’t even noticed while she had worn it.   
Natsu pressed it against his face, inhaled her scent and tried to calm into it. But no, it didn’t calm him. It commenced a storm inside him which flowed through his closed eyes and drained the black velvet as he realised that the cold was actually loneliness.  
_ I’m just lonely and broken._  
_ And I don’t feel right when you're not here._  
He pushed the dress aside and rose from the bed. He wiped the tears with his elbow, grabbed his coat and climbed through the window, into the cold night air. He knew exactly where his heart wanted him to go.  
It didn’t take too long to reach the hospital. The tree he had seen from the window grew on the western side of the building. Natsu sneaked underneath it and jumped to reach the lowest branch. He had climbed so many trees in his life he could do it even in his sleep, and even more times he had broken into restricted places, like Lucy’s apartment. Maybe the thrill of doing something illegal had addicted him into the habit. But mostly he did it because he couldn’t stand being alone.   
Natsu jumped from the tree to the window left slightly open. The third floor was nothing to him, he had climbed floors as high as twelve or fifteen. He sneaked through the window into the room, and finally, the cold began to ease. The scent of spring flowers was buried under the smells of sanitizer and blood, but she was there, exactly how he had left her. Nothing was seen of her except for her pale face and dark curls. Natsu closed the window behind him and then sneaked under the blanket, right next to her. The cold died from the instant he felt her warmth on his skin, and he finally fell asleep, like a lantern turned off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had to be cut in two because it would have been too long, and the last part contains a lot of important information. This first part is Natsu's point of view, and the second part is Haru's. The second part is ready but needs to be edited. I'll upload as soon as I can.  
This is the breaking point of the story were Haru's background finally is revealed to Natsu, and the reasons behind her behaviour will be explained. This part introduced the reality of her magic, and the second part explains it. But it's clear from now that it resonated with Natsu, and his hidden strength, too. The way her magic is introduced was actually one of the very first things I thought for this story. A lot has changed since when, but this scene had stayed almost the same. It might come off as teen-angsty and melodramatic, but there are plot-friendly reasons behind it. And also, saving a comrade from suicide happens all the time in the canon, too.


	11. OF BLOOD 2/2

_"A million things_  
_I wish you would say _  
_Even if I fall_  
_that you will stay_  
_And none of my flaws _  
_can turn you away.”_   
Trees of Eternity - A Million Tears

Haru dreamt of dragons again.   
She watched helplessly as fire swallowed the walls around her, burned all the books into ashes and turned the whole library into a charcoal kiln. She stood there among all the destruction and demolition, unhurt and unburnt, as the dragon landed in front of her. It offered her a choice - she could either climb into his back and fly away from here or be burned down with her past.   
Haru awakened to the knocking sound. She kept her eyes closed and tried to recall where she was. The last and almost only thing she remembered was fire. Had it been her dream or reality, she didn’t know.   
”Good morning”, a soft female voice said. ”Here’s your breakfast. A doctor will come to check on you later.”  
There were light green walls, light green sheets, even the plates were light green. Everything around her was the colour of mint. She thanked the woman with a nod and tried to get up. She had barely any strength left. An empty bag hovered above her bed with a long tube stuck into her vein. The woman took it away and placed a bandage on where the needle had been.  
_Where am I? What happened?_  
When she finally managed to get sitting, the woman had gone and she was alone again. The tray brought to her contained a plateful of porridge, a glass of orange juice and a slice of bread. Haru took the spoon and noticed the blood-stained bandages on her wrists. More memories began to flood into her mind. She remembered the sudden impulse, the urge, and then the blood and pain. She remembered holding a dagger at her own throat, wishing she had the strength to slit it. And then, there was fire. Dragonfire.  
_Where is he now?_  
Haru heard a loud crack from outside and then the following thump. The window was slightly open to her surprise, and among the smell of antiseptic lied a hint of smoke. For a moment she thought Natsu had been there with her, but he couldn’t be. The dragon last night had been just a dream.

A moment later the door opened again and Natsu emerged into the room, black coat covered in snow. He had a strange red rash on his cheek and dried leaves tangled into his hair. Haru frowned at the sight, trying to hide her amusement. She put down the spoon on her half-eaten porridge. She was glad to see him.   
”What happened to you?” she asked, smirking. Natsu sat down on the chair in the corner and threw the dirty, snowy coat away.   
”I fell”, he said, rubbing his legs. ”In the stairs.”  
”Since when there has been snow and leaves in stairways?”  
”Outside, I mean... At the front door of this hospital. They were extra slippery this morning.”  
Haru rolled her eyes, but then she noticed it. There was blood all over his clothes. Her blood. It had formed in different shapes against the grey fabric, like a world map. Natsu sat there quietly waiting which one of them would start the conversation.   
”I talked with a nurse”, he began. ”She said sometimes starvation makes people go crazy. The brain can’t function properly without food. Starved people might get suicidal thoughts from nowhere and harm themselves. There was once a hungry man who cut his own fingers with an axe and ate them -”  
”Natsu, it wasn’t that.”  
”I know.”  
Both of them looked down on the floor in awkward silence which seemed to last forever.  
”Was it your first time?” Natsu asked then, and Haru replied with a nod. ”It... it changes everything. A part of you died, but you are still alive, living on a time which feels borrowed. For a moment you already entered the interval of darkness, and someone dragged you back to life, but the interval left you forever changed. I’ve been there, too... at my own death. I know what it feels like.”  
She failed to find any words to say. The painkillers began to fade, leaving her with burning agony in her arms. A vision of a silver blade flashed in her eyes, the pink hair, and then the white light... And then she remembered it all. It wasn’t just someone who had dragged her from the darkness, it was Natsu.   
_You are my friend, I refuse to let you go, so force it down or I will! _  
_ You are my friend!_  
Natsu had shattered her solitary shell and saved her, against all the odds, with his own willpower. The tears left uncried for such a long time now flooded through her eyes, of gates Natsu had forced open. His fire had turned the gates into molten steel - he had been the dragon in her dream. The dragon who offered her a choice to leave the past behind - or be burned down with it. But she was too afraid to make that choice. She didn’t want to let him any closer. It would break her completely to lose him forever.  
”Are you all right?” the dragonslayer asked quietly, and she nodded, quivering. His voice shivered as well. She felt his gaze on her but didn’t dare to look back. Tears fell from her eyes to the light green clothes they had dressed her into.   
”Are you unhurt?” she managed to utter. ”My magic, did it... did it hurt you?”   
”No, it...” he answered, clearly struggling to find the right words to say. ”It didn’t hurt me, but it certainly... amazed me. It can’t be even imagined until it... until it strikes you straight to the core. And I... I’m glad you’re still here. And I’m so sorry.”  
Though it relieved to hear he was fine, it still didn’t erase the fear of hurting him. All her life she had been told she couldn't be wanted, or loved, so she couldn't comprehend this at all. Him thinking of her as a friend hurt the most as her mother's words still echoed inside her head - but having a friend was everything she had ever hoped for. Fear and desire tore her apart.   
”You saved me, so thank you”, she said. ”But... did I ever tell you why my mother killed my cat?”  
”You didn’t. Tell me.”  
”She did it to demonstrate what happens if I ever find a friend”, Haru explained. ”I am a monster, Natsu. It’s too dangerous to be my friend. My magic -”  
”- is equally dangerous as mine. Do you know how much destruction I have caused? How many places I have burned to the ground? If you are a monster, then I am, too. I am not afraid of it. I am not afraid of you.”   
When her eyes finally dared to look into his, she realised his eyes weren’t actually pitch black. They were green. Maybe it was just the room which brought out the colour, but he definitely had green eyes. And again when she looked into him, she felt the resonance, as if a mirror reflection. The familiarity in him was the monster which the other world would dread and despise. But for each other, they would be kin, as outcasts, as demons.   
”But my magic can kill you. It’s -”  
”I don’t care”, he said, with his trademark stubbornness. ”I won’t leave a friend just because their mother told me not to play with them. You are not alone anymore. I’m here, and I am going to stay.”  
As she broke into weeping Natsu rose from the corner chair and leapt next to her on the bed’s edge. He placed his arm on the girl who had curled up in a ball and crying helplessly from all the confusion and relief.  
”It’s a promise”, he continued then. ”You saved me, too, and I just can’t leave you alone. Not after what we've been through. We saved each other from the dark. Sometimes the only way to survive is to allow other people to shatter your shell, drag you from the shit you’re dwelling in, and let them help you, okay?”  
She kept nodding as the tears ran down on her face like rivers. Maybe the choice was never hers in the first place. He had already decided to take her away from her past, into a new life - he took down her walls and lit her soul on fire.  
”You have to promise me one thing”, she asked and gently pushed his hand away from her. ”Did you save the silver dagger?”  
”Yeah, all your stuff is safe. Even the blade”, he answered. ”Why?”  
”Good. Because if the lacrima holding back my magic ever breaks, you have to kill me with it. Instantly. No second thoughts. Just strike it through my heart, or my head, it doesn’t matter, as long as I die as soon as possible. Do you accept that?”  
The dragonslayer blinked his eyes. Haru could see the confusion in his eyes before it turned into sorrow as he realised she was serious.  
”What... what are you talking about?”   
”I really mean it”, she said, nearly sobbing. ”I was born with disastrous magic and what you sensed last night was just a fracture of it. Zeref was the only one who could take care of me because he was immortal, he didn’t die, he fixed me, but the lacrima may not hold it forever. My mother turned into a dragon while she was waiting for me and as centuries passed, all the dragon’s blood and magic -”  
”Hold on, hold on”, Natsu interrupted the flood of her words. ”Just calm down. I’m listening, but please, calm down.”  
She took a very deep breath, but before she could speak, the door opened. A big man with long, black beard stepped in. 

The man had a strange look in his eyes when he noticed Natsu. Haru wiped her eyes and tried to swallow her pain. She didn’t want anyone else to see her crying.   
”Lady, after you’ve eaten, you are free to go”, the man said. Natsu frowned at the man. There seemed to be some bad blood between them, but Haru didn’t know why.  
”What? She’s severely injured. You can’t discharge her yet”, the dragonslayer answered in her stead, sounding pissed off.  
”Excuse me, mister, but I’m the doctor. You are not”, the man said. ”We stabilized her and she can continue her recovery as an outpatient. We cannot treat unregistered people for more than one day. It’s against the -”  
”That’s bullshit”, Natsu rose up and stepped in front of the man. ”Doctors make the oath, right? To try to save everyone, no matter of their background?”  
”I already saved her. Now, let me talk to her. Step out of my way.”  
”There’s something else. She’s not ready to go. She tried to commit suicide, she’s not -”  
”You want to hear the truth then, young man?” the doctor was becoming equally pissed off. ”We don’t have the resources. We don’t have the time. People without real illnesses are only burdening our system -”  
”Without a real illness? What the fuck?” Natsu's skin was steaming.  
”Self-inflicted injuries aren’t real illnesses. Most often people attempt suicide just to get attention. If we give them attention, they’ll come back with another slit wrist. People who truly want to die do not fail at it. That’s our protocol. We don’t take unnecessary burdens.”  
Haru could tell from Natsu’s silence that he was about to explode, right there, at the doctor’s face. His aura had changed from calm to threatening, and Haru had grown to know his moodsets well. This was one of the most dangerous ones.  
”I’ll show you an unnecessary burden when I -”  
”Natsu!” she had to intervene before he would something reckless. ”Don’t do that. I’m fine. Actually, I would like to get out of this place. All this green just makes me want to try again.”  
Natsu lowered his head and fell quiet. The doctor nodded to her as thanks of handling him.  
”Lady, I have to give you the instructions for taking care of your wounds before you go. Do you want the fire wizard to stay or do I call the guards to escort him out?”  
”What the fuck, again?” Natsu shrieked and stepped from the doctor’s way.  
”He can stay”, Haru answered and gave the dragonslayer a strict look meaning _calm the fuck down._  
The doctor closed the window behind him and leaned against the sill.  
”Fine”, he sighed and began. ”So, you partially severed both of your radial arteries and lost less than one-third of your blood. The bleeding might not have stopped on its own, so this fire wizard saved your life, though pressure might have been enough to stop it. Without treatment, the scar tissue would have blocked the arteries. We operated both arms to prevent it. The burns will heal in a month. There might be some damage to the nerves, so if you can’t move your hands properly after the healing, contact your local medical services. I’ll give you this prescription for a salve you can use on burns, and some painkillers too. Your clothes are kept in the closet, so once you are eaten, you can go.”  
The doctor gave her a piece of paper and then left. Natsu collapsed on the visitor’s chair and buried his face into his palms. While waiting for him to get himself back together, she drank the orange juice and continued eating the porridge. It always took him a while to calm his nerves after heating them up.

The porridge had cooled and her stomach was already full, so she left it be. The dragonslayer still rested his head against his hands, so she decided to get dressed. Not that it mattered much anyway if he would see her or not. She tossed the green pyjamas into the laundry basket and took her own clothes from the cabinet. The dried blood didn’t show on the black shirt and trousers, but it had hardened the fabric, left it rumbled. Maybe Natsu would know where her bag and clean spare clothes were, but these had to suffice for now.  
”Can you promise it? That you’d kill me?” she asked then and sat at the end of the bed. Natsu lifted his head to look at her. He truly had green eyes, funny she only noticed it now. As if someone had put on the lights behind his eyes. ”Because if you don’t, I can't join your guild. I would rather be alone than lose friends to my own magic. If you want to stay with me, you have to promise you’ll kill me.”  
There was an infinite sadness in his eyes. Haru knew his opinion of killing, but it was the only way she would go. She needed to know he would be safe. Natsu wiped his face again and then rested his trembling chin on his hand. He looked like he was going to cry.  
”Okay”, he sighed. ”But you have to tell me everything. I need to know why, or I won’t promise anything.”  
Haru crossed her hands on her chest. The time of keeping secrets had come to an end, and the only way to go forward was to be open. For now, it didn't even feel bad. The thought of letting him know no longer terrified her.  
”It’s going to be a long story, but I’ll try to summarise it if you truly want to know.”  
”I want to.”  
She stayed quiet for a while. One more word and there would be no coming back.   
”Okay”, she started. ”Do you know how the magic to kill the dragons was created?”  
”A dragon’s magic power is added into a human or something like that. Igneel told me he sealed himself into my body to produce some sort of antibodies, to prevent me from turning into a dragon. It's a side effect of dragon slayer magic.”  
”Well, my mother was the one who invented the magic, during the dragon war, four hundred years ago”, she said. His eyes widened a little. ”Humans were losing the war. She enchanted a dragon’s magic power into herself to be able to fight the dragons, and the act began to spread over the country. It didn't go too well. Most of them went insane and died, but some were strong enough to bear the dragon’s power. But one of them turned into a dragon. It was Acnologia, and his appearance ended the war, as he killed all the dragons. Bathing in so much dragon blood changed him, and it became the mortal enemy of mankind. So, my mother is responsible for creating him.”  
Natsu listened carefully without saying anything. Haru had never seen him so still.  
”After the war, my mother began to show signs of transformation, too. Scales crackled on her skin and her nails turned into talons. At this time she was pregnant with me and my twin, so my father locked her in the dungeons. She used magic to pause the growth of her babies. Three years later my father decided to execute her. He tried to cut her open to see if she was truly pregnant or it had been a lie. To protect her children, my mother turned into a dragon, killed my father and escaped. She lived in seclusion for four hundred years until Zeref found her. He knew how to reverse her transformation.”  
”Your mother was pregnant for four hundred years, as a dragon? That’s... rough", Natsu commented. He seemed a little bit confused, but he didn't doubt her words.  
”Yeah, rough”, she stated and continued. ”Mother got her body back, but it wasn’t successful at all. She was in constant pain, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and she began to lose her mind. At this time, we were finally born. She nearly died birthing me - my magic was extremely dreadful. My mother’s distress and magic power, the dragon blood, the ethernanos in the environment, it all culminated into me for four hundred years. I kept my sister safe from all of it by filtering the blood before it passed to her. I was the disasterpiece. My mother wanted me dead, but Zeref saw potential in me. He wanted to use me.”  
Natsu rubbed his fingers against each other, still keeping his head low. Somehow she feared his reaction, and his calmness made her a little nervous.  
”So you aren’t Zeref’s daughter after all”, Natsu told. ”All this time I’ve been wondering what happened to you, and that was one of my best guesses.”  
”Zeref was the only one who could hold me because my magic would have killed everyone else. He used years trying to find a way to fix it, and eventually found it. He placed a lacrima in my heart to balance my magic and seal the most dangerous properties. Besides, it forms the layer which hides my aura and protects me from magic as well. All this time Zeref kept me safe in his archives, hidden from the world, waiting for the right time. I read every book he had, but... I was just so lonely, and I began to fall into the darkness.”  
Natsu kept staring at the floor in silence, creating a heavy weight on Haru's chest. She held her breath as she waited for his response.  
”I... I don’t know what to say”, he spoke quietly. ”But I’m so sorry. Not just for what you’ve been through, but for what I said and did. The fear of losing you brought out the worst of me.”  
”It’s okay”, she said and nodded. The nervousness began to ease a little. ”I wasn’t at my best neither.”  
”Yeah, we are not that which we fight", he said, smirking a little. "We are friends now, right?”  
All her worry had been in vain. He had accepted her story as it was and didn't turn away from hearing the truth. Tears welled up in her eyes again, but she wiped them away. She didn’t want to cry, not now. She was happy. So happy it hurt her chest.  
”I thought... What was Zeref going to use you for?” he continued.  
”Remember when I told you about his plan to use the Fairy Heart to go back in time?” she asked. ”He planned to take me with him to the past, and use me as a weapon. We would kill my mother, preventing Acnologia’s creation. Then we would destroy the dragons to save his brother - to save Zeref from being cursed with immortality. Ironically, he’ll save the world from both himself and Acnologia by destroying it first.”  
”You know, it sounds pretty good on paper", Natsu answered. She wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic.  
”It does. That’s what I once wanted, too. Zeref promised me a new life in the new world he would create.”  
Natsu lifted his head to look at her.   
”What made you change your mind?” he asked.  
”Makarov offered me a different kind of new life. And now I think... this is the world where we met. Together we can kill Acnologia and Zeref. There’s no need to reverse this time. To reverse this world.”  
Natsu smiled. ”So you’ll come with me to Fairy Tail?”  
”Do I have a choice?” she couldn't help but to smile back at him.  
”Not really.”  
She couldn’t recall the time when she had felt as warm inside as she felt then. She rose from the bed, still weak, but ready to go.   
”Well, let’s get the fuck outta this bowling hall then", she said as she began to put her shoes on.  
Natsu grinned. "Bowling hall? We are in a hospital."  
"That's what teenagers say to each other, or something. I thought it would be funny."  
"It's funny when you say something and have absolutely no clue what it means."  
She smiled at herself. There was one more reason why she had changed her mind, but she didn't dare to tell it, not yet.  
_ Living in a world without you would be living in a worthless world._  
  
For her, it truly felt like climbing on a dragon’s back and flying away as the past burned far behind.  
However, it was just an illusion. Old ghosts were rising from the dead cold ashes, and would eventually force both of them through the greatest despair. All bliss would turn into pain, and where there was joy, years of grief would follow.  
The moment of peace was just the eye of the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Let's get the fuck outta this bowling hall" is a Finnish teen slang "vittuun täältä keilahallista", which means to just get the f out from anywhere. It can be said anywhere, but it's most usually used in a place where someone doesn't want to be. I use it pretty often because I don't want to be anywhere but at home. :D It was added in this for pure humour to balance the darkness here.
> 
> At least in Finland, there's shitty treatment for people who survive a suicide attempt. I guess that's a worldwide thing. Most often they just stitch you up and send you home immediately. The doctor's behaviour was meant to raise awareness of this big problem. 
> 
> So, here it is, her backstory. Fooken finally! :D Though it's not mentioned in the story, she's Erza's twin sister, as you might have figured out already. This whole story started up when I was thinking of a way to create a very powerful character in FT. In canon, August became extremely powerful for the things Mavis had to endure during her pregnancy, the experiments Precht did on her. Irene's pregnancy was pretty fucked up, too, and thought that would be a good way to create a powerful character. (Sometimes I think I'm swearing too much, or making my characters swear too much, but then I say fuck the police.)  
However, a lot has changed since the very first drafts. The meaning isn't just to create a powerful OC, but to write a full, complexed story of tragic human relationships. Let me know if you've liked the story so far :)


	12. THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS

_”The ballet of shooting stars above _  
_She watches them in tears every night _  
_Her wings chained down to earth, unable to leave _  
_I'm the guardian of her hell, the one remind her _  
_That love will get you here.”_  
Swallow the Sun - The Memory of Light

Just how could it happen to him? Just one careless misstep, one weak branch, and he had fallen. Fallen from a fucking tree.   
When it seemed he could walk away like nothing happened, his lies began to unravel. The hospital had no stairs at the front door, and Natsu only hoped she didn’t notice it. What would be harder to admit: falling from the tree or trespassing into her hospital room? It was almost funny. After everything he had learnt about her, this is what he feared. Last night had changed everything. He still couldn’t fully comprehend her story, and most he struggled with the worst-case scenario: having to kill her if everything goes to hell. He pushed it all aside and focused on meaningless real-life issues instead, like the trespassing and the tree-climbing accident.  
The lonely streets of last night were now full of life, full of people, and it made him uncomfortable. As they walked through the snowy alleys Natsu sensed dozens of eyes on him. People looked at him with fear and distrust. Nearly everyone had heard of the Salamander of Fairy Tail, and unfortunately, of the destruction he caused as well. His face was well known, even in here.  
”Natsu”, she called his name, breaking the silence. ”Why are you so quiet?”  
A young boy broke into joy when he noticed the dragonslayer, smiling and cheering, but his mother dragged him away. Natsu smiled a little. The boy reminded him of Romeo, his little admirer. To some, Natsu was a hero. For some, he was the devil.   
”These people don’t like me”, he answered. ”They don’t want me here. Sometimes I wish I could just hide like you.”  
Haru glanced at him with confused eyes. She looked tired, exhausted, but better than yesterday. Maybe the blood transfer had improved her colour a bit.   
”Well, you are an extraordinarily strong mage”, she said. ”To these people who can’t even use magic, it's scary.”  
”It’s not just that. I have a really bad reputation. I’ve blown places up too many times, and they know it. For once I would like to be invisible, or nobody. I envy you, really.”  
”Envy me? I just keep questioning my own existence”, she answered, smirking. ”Sometimes I doubt if I’m real at all.”  
”But you are real. To me.”  
She turned her head away, silenced by something Natsu feared. Words like that kept slipping from his mouth, words his heart wanted to say, but his reason tried to suffocate. But it was true, and he wanted her to know it. In fact, she was no longer invisible to him. Her absence had become her presence, sensed as loneliness like a winter storm deep inside him when she was away. And it had begun to scare him even more than her previous invisibility.   
”There’s the pharmacy”, Natsu said and pointed at the building close by. ”I can buy the meds for you. You know, it’s all my fault.”  
”No, I buy them. I take full responsibility on what I did, I’m not a coward”, she refused his offer, and the tone of her voice changed. ”Or, maybe I am because I survived. Even the doctor said so. People who really want to die don’t fail at it.”  
Even though she assured to be fine, the wounds were still raw. Natsu understood her. The first days were the worst, most confusing ones. One moment you were glad you survived, and then you wished you didn’t.  
”The doctor was a jerk. You’re alive because I forced you to stay, not because you failed”, Natsu tried to console her, with very little effect.  
”I’m alive because I did it poorly”, the girl answered, sounding more sad than angry. ”It hurt more than I thought. It took more time than I thought. I got scared. After all that boasting about sure death... ”  
Natsu stopped her by taking her hand into his, turning her towards him. It reminded him of the dream which had shown him the ugly reality of death. What seemed like an easy way out was everything but easy.  
”Hey, I know how hard it is to take your life against feral instincts. It's hard as hell. I went to the cliff several nights in a row, determined to jump, but always turned back”, he said quietly and looked into her eyes. ”But don’t talk like that, okay? I hurt you. I made you hurt yourself. I feel really bad about it, and I’m so sorry. We'll get through this now.”  
”It wasn’t just because of you”, she took her hand away. ”Didn’t you get that all those people were killed because of me? Because that man got _bored_ while searching for me? And when you said you could kill Acnologia on your own, I didn’t see any reason why I should carry on with that burden on my shoulders. I’m done causing death and hurt around me.”  
Natsu watched her in silence. Her voice crumbled, her chin shivered as if she was holding back the tears. He hadn’t thought of it from her perspective, but now he understood it clearly. It wasn’t his right to feel bad, but he certainly did, too. He just wanted to close her into an embrace and assure her it would all be okay again, but he didn’t do anything. He didn’t dare.  
”I didn’t know”, he said then. ”I was wrong. I can’t do it on my own. If you don’t want to cause any more hurt, you should just carry on. We’ll save this world together, okay?”  
The girl nodded and smiled a little before opening the pharmacy’s door. The smile was forced, that kind of a smile a person makes to stop themselves from crying.  
”But the world will have to wait until I get these damn meds because my arms hurt like hell”, she said and stepped in. There was something more he wanted to say. He wanted to promise to never hurt her again, but she had already disappeared into the store. Natsu stood at the door for a second and swallowed his words before following her. He realised all his money was in the inn, and only hoped she had some coins in her pocket.

Unlike the streets, the inn wasn’t full of people. It was nearly as empty as last night, except for a few travellers drinking ale and eating soup at the tables. Natsu greeted the innkeeper as they stepped in. The old man smiled at Natsu and gazed at the girl following him. He nodded, but Natsu didn’t know what he meant with it. Maybe he accepted another quest under his roof. At the door of his room, Natsu remembered something bad.   
He went through his pockets nervously, only to find them empty. Haru stared at him, seeming confused, but slightly amused.   
”Natsu, did you forget the keys?” she asked, smirking.  
”No, no, they’re right here, in my...” he explained, but the backpack was in the room as well. ”Oh, for fuck’s sake...”  
Natsu’s cheeks inflamed from the embarrassment and fright of needing to explain why the keys were in the room. Her reaction turned his fear into confusion when she broke into laughter. She giggled helplessly like an overjoyed child. She leaned to the wall and slid to the floor, rested her head into her knees and laughed. Natsu stared at her in awe and wonder - he had never heard her laugh before, and it was the sweetest sound he had heard in a long time. Maybe something good could come out of his sloppiness.  
”Wait a moment”, he told her, but she couldn’t answer from the giggling. He ran down the stairs, and the innkeeper gave him a funny look. He stormed through the front door. He had seen the church from the window, so the room had to be the northern side of the building. He ran there and climbed up on the dried creeper plant to reach the slightly opened window. His legs ached from the fall and his muscles stiff and achy from lactic acid, and as he crawled into the room he swore to never climb again on anywhere.  
Last night he had come and left so quickly he hadn't explored the place. It was a small, cosy room with one bed and a small sofa. There was a closet to hold belongings, but he had left all his stuff at the table next to the bed. He hadn’t even noticed the bathroom, which now felt like luxury. Natsu relieved himself from the horrible feeling of cold, wet cloth by tossing the snowy coat into the rack. Her giggling was still heard from the hallway when he opened the door. It stopped the instant she noticed him and turned to stare at him.  
”How did you get there?” she asked. ”I thought you went to ask for a spare key.”  
_ Oh fuck._   
”Uhm, I left the window open last night. I needed fresh air to sleep. So I climbed through it. Now, come in.”  
Haru rose from the floor and stepped into the room. She laid the medicines to the table, and in terror he watched her notice the black dress in the bed. Just how could he have forgotten it?   
_ Fucking fuck. _  
”Actually, I think I’ll take a shower first”, Natsu told abruptly and picked up fresh clothes from his backpack. ”I’m not that hungry.”  
Favourably, she didn’t do or say anything. She just checked her stuff and found everything in place - even the bizarre location of the dress didn’t seem to bother her. Natsu closed the bathroom door, sat down on the toilet and buried his face into his hands. He held his breath until he couldn’t and sighed deeply. His heart pounded in his chest like crazy from the stress. He felt like the stupidest person in the world.  
_ I’m so fucked._  
She had to know from now. It had been foolish to try to fool her in the first place, and the little white lie had gotten him into a very big mess. Everything would be better if he had just told the truth right away. Her silence made it all worse. He hoped she would yell at him, kick him or something, but she stayed dead quiet. It made him afraid.  
Natsu stood up and faced a mirror for the first time in months, trying to distract himself from everything. All this time he had seen only a blurred reflection of himself on windows and waters, but the mirror didn’t offer the same mitigation. He looked terrible.  
He picked the leaves from his hair and washed the scratch on his cheek. He pulled the bloody shirt over his head and nearly flinched from the sight of his upper body. Once he had been a muscular, lean man, but now he could count his rib-bones from the reflection. His spine ran through his back like a pearl string, visible and sharp. Even though he had believed to be better already, he wasn’t in good shape at all. The darkness was still there, and the little sparks of light weren’t enough to cast it all away.   
He stripped the rest of his clothes and sat into the bathtub, under the shower of burning hot water. The warmth calmed down his heart and it got easier to breathe, but the storm inside his mind didn’t cease so easily. Natsu picked a pink, raspberry-smelling soap and rubbed it violently on his skin, but even it wasn’t enough to distract him. It would leave him smelling like a woman, but after months of smelling like shit, it didn’t really bother him.   
_ What is it what I fear so much?_  
He soaked there for a while as steam filled the bathroom. Every second prolonged the inevitable: facing the issue. But as minutes went on and the warmth finally began to soothe him, he realised that she would already have raged at him if she was angry. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe she didn’t mind at all. Maybe she wouldn’t kick his ass as Lucy would. Just maybe. You could always hope so.  
When he was ready, he closed the faucet and stepped into the horribly cold air. Rapidly he wrapped himself into a fresh towel as black spots started to fill his vision. Natsu collapsed on the floor and rested his head against the cool tile wall, slowly breathing in and out. He turned his palms towards the ceiling as his vision regained gradually. A scar disfigured his left wrist, but ugly as it was, it reminded him of the second chance life had given him. Would she ever think of her scars in the same way? As a second chance?  
When Natsu finally came back from the bathroom, she was gazing out of the window. She had switched the blood-stained clothes into the black velvet dress. The sight reminded him of the time they met - her, the black moth, and its shadow on her face. Nothing about her had really changed, but now she looked beautiful into his eye. The promise he had been forced to make lingered in the back of his mind, and now as he watched her, it began to fade into another lie.  
_ If I don’t want to hurt her again, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to kill her._  
”Ready to eat?” she asked and turned around. Natsu smiled shortly and nodded. Just when the blush had disappeared from his cheeks, it came back, and he couldn’t help it. Maybe that was what he feared. Every time _this_ feeling captured his heart, a tragedy had crushed it into a million little shards. It happened with Lisanna, with Lucy, and it would happen with her, too.  
_ I can’t lose another one._

Natsu stirred the ramen with chopsticks, knowing it was cooling every second, but he couldn’t force it down. It was the same he had eaten with Happy, but now his appetite was gone. The snakes in his stomach had transformed into butterflies which tickled him and made it impossible to eat. Maybe the snakes had been caterpillars in the first place.  
Natsu kept glancing at her every now and then when she didn’t notice. Haru had already eaten half of her noodles. She sipped the broth from the bowl and turned another page on a magazine she had borrowed. Did she always have to read while eating? Natsu didn’t know, but it seemed as if. This magazine wasn’t much of her style. It was just a Weekly Sorcerer.  
”Is this Lucy?” she asked, bringing Natsu back to earth. ”Why is she posing half-naked on the beach? She’s beautiful, but...”  
Natsu grabbed the magazine from her hands to take a look at it himself. He blinked rapidly at the sight. It was truly Lucy as a pin-up model, wearing a set of bikinis and posing with a goddamn octopus. What had happened to her? Why did she do this? The paper was maybe half a year old. The smile on her lips was utterly fake.  
”What is it?” Haru wondered. ”Why you’re looking so grim?”  
”She has sold herself”, he mumbled. It had been so long since he had seen her face, and seeing it on an occasion like this was just depressing. ”She likes to boast on her sex appeal, but this... this is not like her. She shouldn’t be doing this. She doesn’t look happy.”  
Haru took the paper back to herself, but the image stayed in his eyes. It took away the last remains of his appetite. He knew he was part guilty of her unhappiness.  
”What is the meaning of these pages anyway?” she thought aloud.  
”Some guys like to look at those. Some girls, too, but mostly just guys as they jerk off”, Natsu explained. Those pictures brought back the time when he accidentally changed bags with Gildarts, and instead of lunch, he got an enormous collection of perverted magazines. If they alone didn’t traumatize him, Gildart’s beating surely did.   
”Why? Do you like them?” Haru asked.  
”No”, it was an easy answer for him. ”I don’t think girls should be treated like that, like their bodies are there only for men who watch them like hungry black eels.”  
”That’s poetic from you”, she said, raising her eyes from the paper into his. ”What do you watch, then?”  
”Their faces”, he said calmly. Another easy answer. ”Their eyes. Their smiles. Things like that.”  
It made her smile a little, then lower her head. And from sudden, Natsu regretted having said that. Another string of words his heart formed, but brain resisted. At the same time, he wanted to give himself a pat on the back and a slap on the face. Natsu took the bowl and drank the broth, trying to drown the fucking butterflies. Persistent little shits.  
”What really happened?” Haru asked then. ”Between you and Lucy?”  
Natsu finished a mouthful of vegetables before answering. It took surprisingly long.  
”A lot happened”, he replied. ”We were close. I liked her, but... It changed. It’s a long story.”  
”I don’t mind long stories.”  
A memory flashed in his eyes, a really painful one. The moment which had changed everything. It had been another Lucy, Lucy from the future, but seeing her die had crushed him just as well. For her last wish, she wanted to see her guild mark. _”Look, Natsu, I got my Fairy Tail mark!_” she had announced a long time ago, smiling, and now that smile vanished forever, just like Lisanna’s had. It left him with a harrowing fear of having to bury her, too.  
”No, it’s just that... I’ll tell you some other time. Not now”, he said. He didn’t really want to tell that story, not yet, not there. He wasn’t in the mood of crying in front of all these people. ”But by the way, the innkeeper gave me a letter from her. She has arranged a meeting at Fairy Tail on the 30th of November. I think we’ll make it in time if we go by train.”  
Haru stayed quiet for a while, looking at him, and Natsu knew that look on her face. It was the face of an analyst, a psychic, and no truth in the world could hide from that.  
”Are you still afraid of meeting her?” she asked.  
He had only told her about being afraid of _them_, not _her_, but she had known it was Lucy all along. The things he had escaped and left unfinished waited for him at home with her. It had been easier for him to split, and he wasn’t ready to face it all yet. He never would.   
”A little”, he said, trying to fake a smirk. ”She’ll kick my poor ass when she sees me, after all this time.”  
”I don’t think it’s your ass you fear for.”  
Natsu sighed. She meant his heart and she was right. No matter what he did, she always found out the truth.  
”Just how do you do this?” he asked. ”How do you see right through me?”  
The girl lifted her shoulders. ”You are just so easy to read.”  
”If I’m easy to read, why no-one else can read me then? You know shit I’ve never told to anyone. You know shit I don’t even know myself. How the hell do you do it?”  
She looked into his eyes, stayed silent for a moment.  
”A bleeding heart is an open one.”  
Speechless, he froze completely. Those words had been his own thoughts. _Natsu who kept it all inside and didn't trust his friends enough to let them in had no future._ Maybe this was his new self beginning to thrive, survive, with her help. But there was a deeper meaning in her words, he knew that. Maybe the bleeding had opened her heart, too.

They stayed in the inn all day and it was for the best. She was deathly tired and didn’t really want to see anyone or anything. One moment she felt okay, and minutes later she just wanted to cry. The painkillers made her feel strange. It was such a conflict to be alive, just like Natsu had said. The interval, the moment of darkness left its imprint on her, just like it had left on him. But she was glad to have spent these darkest days with him. Only a person who had been there could understand.  
The day passed by resting in the room, then eating some more, then resting again. Natsu hadn’t said much after the latest discussion - maybe he feared what more she would find out if he uttered a single word more. When she told him she would take a bath, he just grunted something from the sofa he had sunk into and fell quiet again.  
While the bathtub was filling, she began to peel off the bandages from her arms. The painkillers didn’t help at all. She had thought changing them would be an easy case, but it was everything but easy. She cursed at herself, a little bit too loud.  
”Need any help?” Natsu asked from the other side of the wall.   
”It’s nothing. Just the bandages.”  
”I know, they are the bitch. Soak them in water, it should help.”  
She did as he told and it helped a little. She peeled the cloth off slowly and the distress in her grew with every inch of revealed skin. It was partly red, partly white, with bigger and smaller blisters and bleeding spots. Cuts ran through each arm, crooked and serrated, barely visible under the burned skin. But thanks to that burning pain, she was still alive. By the time she had finished, the bathtub was nearly flooding.   
The air was freezing after the bath, and steam filled the room as she opened the bathroom’s door. She had dressed in her warmest, most comfortable clothes, but it still felt cold. Natsu lied on the sofa, legs lifted to the wall, head hanging over the edge.  
”What are you doing?” she asked as she walked past him to the table to pick up the salve tin.  
”Just a little dizzy”, the dragonslayer answered. He looked funny like that, upside down. ”Nothing serious.”  
Haru had taken note of his recent, recurring dizziness. He assured it was nothing to worry about, probably just a starvation symptom, but she had an intuition it was something more concerning. She sat down on the other end of the couch to apply the ointment. Natsu glanced at her arms quickly.   
”They look pretty bad”, he said. ”And very painful.”  
”Nothing I can’t handle”, she answered but cringed from pain as the salve stung like hell. Natsu rolled back into a normal position and settled into the corner of the couch. He wrapped his arms around his legs.  
”Hey...” he started, but for a moment it seemed he was going to withdraw from it. ”What exactly happens when the lacrima breaks?”  
She had completely forgotten to explain it - no wonder he was confused.  
”My magic will kill everything”, she told calmly. She had heard the story so many times, from Zeref and her mother. They had different ways of explaining it. Mother’s story was more violent, so she told him Zeref’s version. ”It is a protector which attacks everything around me. It doesn’t discriminate, it just kills. It disenchants living cells, shatters them, turns them into dust until they are no more. I can’t control it in that form. It’s a threat to all life.”  
It took a while for him to let that sink in. His expression grew darker the more he comprehended.   
”So that’s what you told me back then”, he said finally. ”When you said you’d shatter my heart into a million little pieces.”  
”Why are you asking?” Haru wondered. Though she had meant it literally, he had found a tragic metaphor in it.  
”I thought... Isn’t there any other way? To stop it, or cure it, or something.”  
Haru raised her shoulders and began to wrap her arms into fresh bandages.  
”I don’t know. Zeref is a genius, and this is the best he could do”, she answered. She asked the same thing so many times, but each time the answer had been the same, hopeless _no._  
Natsu squeezed his legs a little tighter and leaned his cheek on his knee.  
”It’s just... too sad.”  
”Natsu, there is no other way. If the lacrima breaks, I must die”, she said, as softly as she could. ”All you can do is accept it, and be prepared to lose me.”  
”I don’t want to.”  
It was easy to see the pain in him, and the sorrow he now dwelt in. Natsu got up and walked to the table where the dagger was. He took it into his hands and observed it closely.  
”Why with this, exactly?” he asked and turned around. ”This blade looks familiar somehow.”  
Haru frowned at another impossible familiarity.   
”Zeref gave it to me. It belonged to his father, so it’s pretty old. You can keep it. I don’t need it anymore.”  
”Strange”, he wondered. ”I just... I only wish I don’t ever have to do it.”  
There wasn’t any way to answer that. Nevertheless, something in his words, as grim as they were, delighted her. They meant he cared of her, and it was a feeling she had never really experienced before - to be valuable as a person, not as a weapon. She wanted to smile, but it would just mock the dragonslayer’s sorrow.   
  
”I think I’ll go to sleep soon”, she said when the bandages were in place. ”You can -”  
Natsu put the dagger into his backpack and slumped down on the sofa.   
”We are not having this conversation again. You go the bed, I sleep on the couch. Period”, he commanded, half-serious, half-humorous.   
She remembered how the argument ended last time and accepted his deal. She had, however, meant to say something different.  
”I was going to say you can sleep with me if you want”, she said and got up. ”If it makes you feel better or something.”  
Natsu’s eyes widened, and he froze at his spot, in the corner of the couch.  
”W-what are you talking about?” he stuttered.  
”I know you sneaked into the hospital last night. There’s no need to lie anymore. Never was.”  
She had known he would deny it, but she wasn’t angry. His little nocturnal adventure with many misfortunes had been the highlight of her miserable day.  
”You were hallucinating or something. I was right here”, he argued hopelessly. Haru smiled at his stubbornness.   
”So that scratch on your cheek you got from falling that tree is also a hallucination or something? And don’t make me force you to show the bruises.”  
The dragonslayer lowered his head in shame.  
”... fuck", he sighed. Natsu covered his eyes with his palm and slowly dragged the hand down on his face.  
”Fuck what?”  
”Me. You’re too smart.”  
Haru smirked. ”You’re too sloppy.”  
”I... I couldn’t leave you alone with those freaks”, he explained nervously. ”I had to be there, but they kicked me out, so I came back. My end justified my means, right? I had to be sure you were safe.”  
She didn't really need his explanation. Whatever his reason was, it was just fine.  
”But why did you lie about it?” she questioned.  
”I thought you’d be mad.”  
Was that remorse in his eyes? Maybe.  
”I’m not. You were... I mean, I’d gotten used to sleeping next to your fire orb, but you were practically just as warm. If you want to -”  
Natsu rolled on his back again. ”I’m fine on the couch, now that you’re here. Just go to sleep, you need rest. I’ll stay up for a while.”  
For a reason she didn’t know, she felt a little disappointed. She left the little lights on and clumsily moved to the bed as the dragonslayer stayed on the couch, legs lifted to the wall, head hanging over the edge.

But late at night when she was falling asleep, warmth crept next to her. It smelled of raspberries.  
”Haru, I can’t make that promise if you don’t promise me one thing”, Natsu said quietly from the bed's other edge. ”You have to promise me you won’t let that thing break, no matter what.”  
His voice shivered, he paused between the words and swallowed the tears.  
”Natsu -”  
”I lost Lisanna. I loved her, we were happy, then they brought her corpse back to the guild. Just like that, she was taken from me. I watched Lucy’s future self die, though it wasn’t my Lucy, it broke me as much, and I knew then I couldn’t repeat what happened with Lisanna. I can’t repeat that with you either. I can’t lose another one who means this much to me. I wouldn't take it.”  
She fumbled in the dark to take his hand into hers. She found trembling, cold fingers and grasped them gently.   
”You saved me”, he continued. ”You keep saving me, from myself, from my darkness, and I know I’ll fall if I lose you now. So promise me you’re not going anywhere. I'm so scared.”  
Those words, unexpected and overwhelming, stunned and made her speechless. Even though she _wanted_ to make that promise, it would be a false hope to cling onto. She couldn’t promise such an impossible thing. It would only break him even more, and she didn't want that.  
”What if we find a way?” she whispered. ”I can’t promise to live forever, but I can promise to search for a cure, a way to heal my magic. That I can do.”  
Deep in her heart, she had always known there could be a way, but she had never seen a _reason_ to search for it. But now, as the fire dragon’s son pressed her hand as an answer and fell asleep sniffling, the reason was right there next to her.

\---  
  
The clatter of the high heel shoes echoed in the hall as Zeref waited for her to arrive.  
There was a bloodstain on the floor, a result of the very same shoes. It had been there for years. It stared right into Zeref, trying to induce some blame in him. It might have been the turning point in a little girl’s life, but it wasn’t his fault. He remembered how she had cried day and night for months, and never returned to herself afterwards. Maybe the bloodstain had been the beginning of it all. It had been the catalyst of creating a series of events that couldn’t be stopped, which eventually lead to her betrayal.  
The red-haired woman appeared in between the tall bookshelves of acology and bionomics.  
”So you’ve finally returned from your little vacation”, she said and noticed him staring at the dried blood on the floor. ”Are you thinking about her? I was going to explain -”  
”I already know what happened, Irene”, Zeref told quickly and raised his head. ”Makarov Dreyar was searching for our weapon but found her instead. He made a deal with her and helped her escape. Where’s he now?”  
She smirked, and Zeref knew too well what that face meant.  
”He’s in prison, waiting for your decision. He’s alive but rather unwell.”  
”I’ll talk to him soon enough. I called you because there’s a major problem in my plan. It’s your daughter.”  
She wasn’t surprised to hear the words _your daughter_ and a _major problem_ in the same sentence.  
”What is it this time?”  
”She has found my brother.”  
The evil smile disappeared from her lips and her eyes turned serious.   
”How bad is it?” she asked. ”Did you ever tell her your brother’s identity?”  
Zeref shook his head. ”She doesn’t know a thing.”  
The red-haired woman fell quiet for a while.   
”So my daughter and the Etherious Natsu Dragneel... Ingredients of a catastrophe, I assume.”  
”Exactly”, he answered. Most of the time they argued over her like divorced parents, but on this, they agreed. ”She’s a ticking time bomb. In the worst-case scenario, both of them face an untimely death, annihilating all of my plans. I can’t let that happen.”  
She nodded. He didn’t need to add the details, for she knew his plans very well herself - and understood why they were threatened. It had seemed good at first. She saved Natsu, kept him alive, and he would bring her right were Zeref needed her. However, the risk of losing it all was too great.  
”There’s one thing even worse than that, an unspeakable, ultimate disaster... It’s very unlikely, I don’t think it will ever happen, but it should be prevented all the same time, for precaution”, Zeref continued. ”We must separate them. How we do it doesn't matter, be it cunning or cruel, my end will justify the means.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter felt mostly like shovelling shit from a sitting position. This was a HARD one. The first story arc is now completed and the next begins. At the same time, I needed to get closure for the events of the previous chapters and establish something new, something interesting. It was challenging (can't it be seen from the amount of swear words in the text?) but I think it got out just fine.


	13. MERCY

_”But since you've been gone I've been lost inside_  
_Tried and failed as we walked by the riverside _  
_And I wish you could see the love in her eyes _  
_The best friend that eluded you lost in time _  
_Burned alive in the heat of a grieving mind.”_

Anathema - Are you there?

It was halfway through November and there still wasn’t a word of him.  
Even a single word, a single sight would have been enough. Every time she opened her mailbox and found it empty, her heart broke a little bit more. Maybe it had been foolish to expect an answer from him. Maybe it had been foolish to believe he was alive in the first place. At this point, Happy and Lucy hoped Natsu would _at least_ come home in a coffin. It would be better than not coming home at all. Instead of dreaming of the future with him, Lucy planned his funeral: the words she'd say about him, the songs she'd sing in his praise.   
Each passing day ate away her hope. Even though Lucy so desperately wanted to meet him again, hold his hand and see his smile, she had begun to accept the harsh reality. The meeting would be in two weeks, but as she packed her belongings, she didn’t want to go anymore. She didn't want to see anyone anymore. She didn't want to be the one to deliver the condolences. But for Happy’s sake, she had to keep going. She had to force that smile on her lips and assure him things would be okay like they always had been.  
”Lucy, have you checked the mail today?” the blue cat asked. Lucy had grown to hate that question.  
”Not yet”, the blonde answered. ”After this bag, maybe.”  
Happy carried an armful of socks to her and went to get another one. They would leave for Magnolia tomorrow. It made her anxious. She had arranged her former house back, and it horrified her. All the memories would wait for her right here, like predators of sorrow to keep her awake at night. Every time she would come home, she would see Natsu’s ghost in her living room, in her bed, in the bath... everywhere where he used to be. And she wasn’t sure at all if she could bear that haunting, or go insane.  
”Can I stay with you, Lucy?” Happy asked. ”I don’t want to go to Natsu’s place. It’s my home just as much, but... It’s not a home without him.”  
Lucy smiled at the blue cat.  
”Of course you can”, she said, trying hard to hide her hurt. No place would be like home without him.  
It was early afternoon when Lucy walked down the stairs to check the mail. There wasn’t a single shard of optimism left in her. The empty box had disappointed her so many times she didn’t dare to get her hopes up anymore. The void of his presence was the voice speaking in his turn, telling her the ashes of the past had to be sifted by the one who let it burn.   
But when she opened the mailbox, her heart skipped a beat. And another. She forgot to breathe and began to tremble. There was a lone letter with her name and address on it. She stared at it for a while, completely frozen.   
_ It’s not from him. Cut your losses, Lucy._  
Lucy picked the envelope into her shivering hands and stared at it in silence. It was from the inn she had sent Natsu’s letter into.   
_They’re only telling me he’s dead and I shouldn’t contact them anymore._  
Tears welled up in her eyes. She had never feared anything as much as opening the envelope, but she had to do it. She couldn’t wait anymore, and any truth was better than the haunting uncertainty. She tore it open and straightened the folded paper.  
”What... what is this?” she stuttered at the sight. A small string of words, written in the most horrible handwriting she had ever seen. But as she recognised the letters, warmth spread inside her like fire.  
_ I wouldn’t miss it for the world_, she read. It didn’t have a name, but it was from Natsu. It had to be from him. Lucy collapsed on her knees and cried from confusion, relief and happiness. It has been so long since she had felt warm inside. She pressed the letter against her chest, dwelling in the hope she had thought to have lost forever. 

”Happy! Happy! Happy!” she shouted overjoyed as she ran back to her apartment. ”Natsu is coming home! Happy!”  
Tears kept running down on her face, they poured down like heavy, warm summer rain. It had been so long since she had cried the tears of happiness, but now she finally did. The blue cat couldn’t understand what she had said, he stared at her in perfect awe. Lucy gave the letter to him and jumped on her bed to roll in her joy.  
”I can’t believe this is real”, Lucy said, smiling so widely it hurt her cheeks. ”I can’t wait to see him again, I just can’t! I’ll run to him and embrace him so tight his bones will shatter!”  
Happy didn’t seem as delighted. He gave the letter back to Lucy after reading it.   
”What’s the matter?” the blonde asked.  
”I’m scared, Lucy”, Happy said, head hanging low. ”I... I’m afraid of seeing him again. If he hasn’t gotten any better I don’t... I think it will break my heart.”  
Sometimes Lucy forgot that Happy had seen a side of him which she had no idea of. Lucy rolled onto her stomach and petted the cat's soft head.  
”I think he’s fine now”, Lucy consoled. ”It has been almost a year since... since it happened. Maybe he has completed his griefing process already?”  
”Lucy, it wasn’t only grief for him. He fell into a place so dark I can’t understand how anyone can survive there... He went straight to hell, Lucy. It’s a long way out from there.”   
For Lucy, it was hard to imagine Natsu in that place, in that condition. Though Happy had told her everything, she struggled to understand how her Natsu would fall so far away from himself. Natsu had always been so loving and kind. Reckless and hotheaded at times, but he could never hurt the ones he loved. That's what she believed.  
”But he’s coming home, right? He’ll need his friends more than ever before. He’ll need us to recover, and we will help him. There’s no need to be scared.”  
Happy didn’t say anything.  
”I think we should go for a coffee, to celebrate the news”, Lucy proposed. ”What do you think?”  
”Can you buy me a salmon pastry?”  
Lucy nodded. It took a second for Happy to get to the door, ready to go.  
  
Lucy sipped at her latte while turning pages of the daily news. She had read them every day in hopes of finding a hint of Natsu. Even now when she didn’t need to find anything, she continued the habit.  
”Has he been under the ground all this time?” Lucy wondered aloud when the pages revealed nothing of him. An entire village burned to the ground, a serial killer found dead in the North, a terrorist threatened to blow up a hospital, a new statue at a train station... Lucy’s eyes caught something in the background of the photo. Right behind the spectacularly ugly sculpture was a pink spot among the crowd. She pulled the paper closer to take a better look. Air got stuck in her throat.  
”Natsu...” she whispered and held a hand over her mouth. Even the recurring nightmares didn’t prepare her for this reality. It was truly Natsu, he popped out from the crowd with his pink hair. He was a shadow of himself with that ashen skin, dark eyes, shrunken body. She wanted to grab him through the paper, embrace him for an eternity and feed him a thousand strawberry cakes.   
”What is it, Lucy?” Happy asked while eating the pastry.  
”It’s...” she tried to answer. ”Natsu is in this photo, taken yesterday, in some northern town... He looks so unwell...”  
Happy grabbed the paper into his paws.  
”Oh no...” the cat sighed. ”He wasn’t this skinny back then. But... who is she?”  
Lucy blinked rapidly.  
”Who is who?”  
”Look”, Happy told and spread the paper on the table so both of them could see. ”This one he’s looking at. The brown-haired, pretty girl. You see?”  
She did. Right there next to him was a short girl, dressed in a similar black coat. The way she looked back at Natsu tied Lucy’s stomach on a knot. She hoped she was just another face in the crowd, only a stranger, a no-one. Then she noticed Natsu was holding her hand.  
”But what the... Natsu got his scarf back! What is this? Has he already killed Acnologia? Is this why it took him so long?”  
Lucy barely heard what Happy said. She kept staring at the picture of him with this stranger by his side, her hand in his, and the warmth inside her vanished as fast as it had come. Though she tried to deny it, the look in his eyes forced the bitter reality upon her. The joy of having him alive stabbed her straight into the back.  
_I never told him I loved him, and now it’s too late._

_\----_

Natsu closed his eyes when Haru put her hands on his ears, then to his eyelids, and finally at his forehead. Little white lights flashed in the crowded train station, but no-one paid any attention.  
”It tickles every time”, Natsu said and took her hand into his. Her spell blurred his vision and messed up his sense of balance, but it erased his motion sickness almost completely. He couldn’t walk straight without her help. Her figure was shrouded in fog as she guided him through the crowd.  
”The train will be here any minute”, Haru told. ”Is it working as it should?”  
”Same as before”, the dragonslayer answered and settled near to the rails with her. Feeling dizzy was nothing new to him, but this magic felt like floating in clouds. Wendy’s Troia had been more effective in that sense, but he had grown unresponsive to it. This wasn’t supposed to cause tolerance at all. Haru had explained how the spell worked, but Natsu had already forgotten it. The means didn’t really matter, because it had got him through three train trips without a single puke.  
Natsu had decided they would go the rest of the journey by train. It had been the best decision. Both of them needed to rest and recover their strength. Besides, her wounds needed to be washed with running, clean water, and that would be impossible in nature. So, they had passed through few towns and spent time in each, resting or doing some unofficial jobs to get money. Hunting down bears or catching thieves was a fun and easy way to afford their stay at inns. Being able to sleep in a bed instead of a pile of snow or leaves was pure luxury, but he liked sleeping close to Haru the most. Natsu had tried to sleep on his own for the first few nights but always crept into her bed after hours of tossing and turning. The fifth night he gave up and went straight next to her. She didn’t oppose.   
Something flashed nearby, waking Natsu from his thoughts.  
”What was that?” Natsu asked. Not being able to see properly made him feel a little bit helpless. There was no way he could fight in this condition if it came to that.  
”Someone took a picture”, she answered calmly. ”There’s a new statue and its sculptor. I think they made an interview or something.”  
Natsu turned into the direction where the light had flashed but didn’t see anything but a big, grey mass.   
”Is it at least pretty?” he asked.   
”Pretty ugly. You don’t miss much.”   
Natsu wanted to say that not being able to see her properly felt like missing out, but he swallowed his words. The train arrived at the station, whistling loudly. Haru led him into the train, bought the tickets and found good seats. She liked the empty wagons where she could read at peace.   
The dragonslayer leaned his head to the cold window when the train got moving. Sitting rear-facing and staring at the sky helped his remaining nausea a bit. If he accidentally looked at the rapidly moving trees and buildings, the sickness got back. But the sky stayed perfectly still and looked pretty much the same with blurred vision.  
”Is it still working?” Haru asked and turned the page of a magazine. She sat opposite him, on the other side of the table. She asked it a hundred times every time, but Natsu liked the way she cared for him.  
”Good enough”, he answered. ”What are you reading this time?”  
”Some women’s thing. I thought I already knew everything, but these prove me wrong. It’s interesting.”  
She had switched from science books to froth revues. He didn’t want to know what exactly she learnt from those magazines. In some way, he hoped she could stay as she was, chaste and innocent, and never change.  
”Aren’t those just full of weight loss tips or something?” Natsu asked. ”You don't need those. They never tell you what to do if you need to actually gain weight.”  
”What, do you think I should fatten up?”  
”You certainly should.”  
”Jackass”, she grinned. ”Some fattening wouldn’t hurt you either.”  
”Can't argue with that. What if we bought a cake and ate it at one sitting when at the next town?”  
”What about two cakes?”  
Natsu smiled and glanced at her quickly. She looked beautiful, even with this foggy vision. Natsu wanted to keep staring at her instead of the sky but didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. The stubborn smile refused to leave his lips, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. Natsu wiggled his legs under the table, gently kicked the girl’s feet to catch her attention. Haru replied with a little smirk and strong strike to his shin.  
”Hey, that hurt”, Natsu exclaimed and cracked up.   
”You started”, she answered with another series of light kicks. Natsu kept laughing and pulled his legs to the seat. The girl stopped, and Natsu recognised a smile on her blurred face. It warmed his heart and calmed him down. He counted every smile as a small victory. The more she had told him about herself and her previous life, the more he wondered how she was even able to smile anymore.

Natsu turned his cloudy eyes back to the grey sky. It had been so long since he had last seen the sun, maybe a month. It had been around the time they met. Had they known only for a month? For Natsu, that month had been a little eternity, and he couldn’t imagine a life without her anymore. There was nothing but darkness behind him. Deep, black, soul-tearing darkness, but she was the halo which kept it away.  
There was no denying that especially the last two weeks had drawn them closer. Haru trusted him a little bit more every day and smiled more often, as did Natsu. However, her feelings remained a mystery, and Natsu couldn’t put his own feelings into verbal form. Deep down he already knew what it was, but he feared that speaking or thinking with proper, accurate words would shatter everything. It was scary and confusing, but sweet at the same time. He wanted to enjoy it as it was, as long as the silence would last.   
Something black contrasted against the grey sky, catching his attention. It awakened Natsu from his sweet dream.   
”There’s one big-ass bird in the sky”, he said.  
”What? You shouldn’t be able to see any bird until it’s the size of a...” she climbed over the table into his lap to see the sky from his perspective, and flinched from the sight. ”... a dragon.”  
”Dragon?” Natsu knit his brows, but perceived it, too. Wide wings and long tail. Familiar ones.  
”There’s only one dragon remaining in the world...”  
”... Acnologia”, he finished her sentence. Speaking its name sent shivers down his spine. ”What the hell is it doing here?”  
”It’s going south, like us...”  
It was far away, but it was faster than any train and would reach them in seconds. Somehow it didn't seem aggressive right now. It soared through the skies peacefully like a raven, fully opposite to the way Natsu had last seen it. It had been when Igneel died.   
”When I last saw it, it was searching for END, so maybe it’s still searching..." Natsu whispered as if the dragon would hear them. "I think it fears that demon, too."  
The dragon disappeared into the misty landscape. Natsu’s heart pounded restlessly, not from the sight of the dragon, but from the girl in his lap. Her legs pressed rather uncomfortably into his groin. She stared out from the window without realising her perverted position, and even if she did, it wouldn’t be a big deal to her. She just wouldn't get it. Though they slept in the same bed, Natsu never really _touched_ her, not counting the occasional holding of hands. He feared she’d shatter from his touch.  
”It’s a fascinating demon, really”, she told, still perfectly oblivious. ”But I don’t know much about it. Zeref created it to be the strongest of the Etherious, but he had to leave it to develop on its own until it would get strong enough. The density of Ethernanos in the atmosphere wasn't enough 400 years ago. I think that’s what Zeref is waiting for - his own end to get ready.”  
Haru’s head tilted to look at Natsu, who desperately tried to hide his blush. Gladly she had no idea what the sudden reddening of his cheeks meant. Haru climbed from his lap to the table’s edge, relieving the pressure on him. Natsu tried to come up with something normal to say, related to the topic at hand. It was so hard she got to continue before he said anything.  
”I’ve studied the way the Etherious are made”, the girl said, looking out of the window again. ”Technically I can make a demon of my own. Zeref taught me all of it, the symbols, the code, how to imbue magic into the book to bring it to life. But END... that’s a masterpiece no-one can ever surpass. Zeref poured all his genius into it, to kill an immortal being... It’s the work of a god. No wonder Acnologia fears it.”  
She never stopped to amaze the dragonslayer. Learning even the basic letters had been a hell of a struggle to him, but for her, all of that was child’s play.   
”It’s hard to understand how that dragon could fear anything”, Natsu said. The memory of its horror was still clear in his mind and the brutal strength which ripped dad’s body apart. Now when she wasn't in his arms, the grim thoughts had room to arise.  
”It was a human at first, so of course it has fears, too. Death is a primordial thing to fear, and even Acnologia doesn’t want to die.”   
”Ironic. I always thought of dragons as immortal beings... I didn’t believe Igneel could die. Maybe every child believes their parents are immortal until they...”  
_Until they are stolen from us right in front of our eyes_, Natsu thought but failed to finish his sentence. It was too painful to speak aloud, but Haru knew exactly what he meant. Her hand found his cheek, her eyes met his, and Natsu was at peace again. Each time the old demons tried to surface, she fought them away. It was another kind of magic, too.  
Natsu put his fingers on the soft, small hand caressing his cheek and heard steps from the hallway. The wagon had been empty so far, but now a conductor passed through.  
”Lady, you can’t sit on the table”, the man commanded her. ”Take a seat, please.”  
Haru rolled her eyes as a protest but climbed down to the seat next to the dragonslayer. The man nodded and continued his patrol. Natsu took her hand back to his, she leaned to his side and closed her eyes. Natsu pressed his face gently into her soft hair and calmed down to the scent of white flowers.   
_What’s an angel like you ever doing with a demon like me?_

\----

The dungeon smelled of death and corruption as the black wizard proceeded deeper into the darkness. The prison was mostly empty. Irene wasn’t known for keeping prisoners alive for too long, but Makarov Dreyar was an exception. It had taken him a while to perfect his plan, but now it was ready. Zeref opened the cell’s door and found the old man sitting in the corner. In perfect silence, Zeref thought he had already died, but then Makarov groaned quietly.  
”You’ve asked to talk with me”, the black wizard spoke. He didn’t expect a quick answer. Makarov didn't look anything like he remembered. Irene hadn't taken very good care of him either. Releasing her daughter had truly pissed her off.  
”I know...” the old man spoke slowly with a cracked voice. ”I know what you are going to do. I came this far to... to negotiate for..."  
”Peace?” Zeref chuckled. ”There won’t be peace after what you’ve done. You’ve planted a disaster upon the whole world, and you will pay for it.”  
”You act... you act like a saviour, but you are not. Fairy Heart must never be used, ever. It’s...”  
”There is only one way it can be prevented”, the black-haired interrupted. ”But it will cost the life of one of your children. I’m here to offer you a choice. You can lose one... or lose them all.”  
Zeref knew Makarov's love for his children, even though they weren't his own. As a guildmaster, he had also stepped into the role of a father, for most of the youngest were orphans. Back at Tenjourima, he had nearly sacrificed himself to save them, but the stubborn brats refused to let their father die. A love of a parent was something Zeref failed to understand. Maybe only a parent could.  
”A father can’t pick one of his brats to sacrifice for others”, Makarov told, as Zeref had expected. ”All of them are equally important. A father will sacrifice himself before seeing his children hurt.”  
”You should hear me out, old man. It’s about Natsu.”  
Makarov blinked his tired eyes.   
”Natsu?”  
”Yes. Etherious Natsu Dragneel, the strongest of my demons... The time has come. He’s close enough. If he’s strong enough to kill me, you win. Natsu will die with me, but Fairy Heart won't be used. If he isn’t strong enough, there will be a war you have no chance of winning, and Fairy Heart will be mine.”  
The old man stared at him, silenced by pure terror  
”I’ll release you and send you forth with this message. You have some time to think about it before making the decision. Tell Natsu to meet me outside Magnolia on the 12th of December, and that fight will decide the fate of the world. It takes only one heroic sacrifice to achieve eternal peace...”  
”I will not let Natsu die, you’ll have my word", Makarov told strictly, but his voice was filled with despair.  
”You won’t?” Zeref grinned. ”You’ll choose a lifetime of agony for your child? The demon inside him is corrupting him slowly, swallowing him into darkness. It's fated. Eventually, he’ll lose himself and succumb into the demonic wrath... Sometimes death is the greatest act of mercy, dear Makarov. Even a father has to accept that.”  
The black wizard opened the chains of the old man and left the door wide open as he went. 


	14. AND THEN IT'S DARK

_”We are the black moths circling around the flame _  
_The distant lighthouse in the raging storm _  
_The glow of the safe harbour we will never reach_  
_Like a compass without the North, we are lost.”_  
Swallow the Sun - Gathering of the Black Moths

_The red dragon soared above the endless lavender field. It circled through the evening mist, leaving trails of vapour on the skies as the girl watched his flight. Though everyone else would fear the mighty, fire-breathing dragon, she wasn’t afraid. She was astonished. The hem of her black dress swayed as the flutter of his wings pushed the air forward._   
_ She didn’t miss the books, she didn’t even miss her cat, for all she needed was right here, in this never-ending field of flowers. She didn’t fear the night which would fall at any minute, for the dragonfire shone brighter light than the sun ever could. The happiness she had never believed to find was right there. The girl wavered her hand at him, and the dragon stopped mid-air, flapping his wings. She wanted to climb to his back for one more flight, and see the stars lit on the skies, one by one._   
_ The dragon began to fly towards her, but then, a black spear came from the dark. It pierced right through him, ripping his chest open. Flames burst from his torn lungs with a deafening screech. The girl stared at the blood which rained from her dragon’s throat as he spiralled downward, so struck with terror she couldn’t even scream. She stood motionless among the flowers when the earth quaked under her feet as the dragon landed to the ground with a weight of a falling meteor. His fire lit the entire, endless field ablaze as it escaped from his lungs during his final breath. _   
_ The flowers burned around her in the remains of the dragon's life, but she walked through the flames, unburnt, unhurt. The air smelled of lavender, smoke and blood. She kneeled down next to the once immortal dragon and touched his head, ran her fingers on his eyes, closed forever. The red scales began to fade to white as he began to disappear into the evening dusk. The dragon's life slipped right through her fingers like white sand._   
_ Among the fire, there was a presence she knew, a presence she didn’t like. She turned her head towards the dark figure standing on the hill. Her expression turned from bottomless grief to burning anger, and her demons surfaced screaming for vengeance upon the whole world._   
_ ”You should have listened to your mother”, the black wizard said, and the spear emerged back to his hand, covered in dragon’s blood. Then he faded into obscurity, leaving her alone into the sea of fire. The stars faded from the sky, one by one, and the morning didn’t come._   
_ Ever again. _

Haru’s heart awakened her by trying to escape through her ribcage. Her whole body shivered helplessly as she rose to sit. It was midnight, and moonlight enlightened the darkened room. Her hands fumbled in the dark and found a warm bundle next to her, on the other end of the bed. Natsu lied on his side, sleeping tight. As always, he smelled like he had spent an entire day in front of the campfire.  
Haru pulled the blanket away and rolled him on his back. There was no blood to be seen, but the absence of blood alone didn’t calm her down. She held her breath, lifted his grey shirt to check his chest, but his skin was intact. No signs of any injury. It had been only a nightmare.  
”What... what are you...” the dragonslayer chuckled, still sleeping, and turned back to his side. Haru took her hands away from him and stayed still. The moonlight danced on the boy’s pink hair, and as he began to sniffle again, the stress dissolved slowly. _He’s okay, he’s fine, nothing happened, it’s alright._ Her heartbeat pacified, the shivering ceased, but the image of the dead dragon stayed in her eyes. She lied down next to him, wrapped the blanket around herself and burst into tears. It awakened the dragonslayer, even though he had been sound asleep.  
”Another nightmare?” he asked quietly, with a worried voice. She nodded. His hand reached her cheek, and drops dripped to his fingers. Haru curled up to a tight ball as the weeping strangled her like a rope. Air felt sticky as glue in her lungs. Natsu’s hand moved to stroke her hair. She had told him about the nightmares, about the dark ghosts which haunted her dreams. But this, this had been the worst. Ultimately worst.  
”What did you see now?”  
”Zeref”, Haru stuttered, sobbing. ”And a spear, and you, and your blood, your fire...”  
Natsu touched her chin and lifted her face up, to look at her. The tears blurred her vision, not that there was much to see in the dark anyway.  
”I’m fine, Haru, it was just a bad dream -”  
”He said I should have listened to my mother. I know exactly what he meant.”  
Through the tears, she saw how sadness lit in Natsu’s dark green eyes, like the reflection of the moon - he seemed to know, too. She didn’t like to talk about her mother too often. She wasn’t sure if Natsu could understand, for his sense of moral was always black on white. The way he had mentioned Igneel yesterday had left her pondering her own parents. _Maybe every child believes their parents are immortal until they are stolen from us right in front of our eyes,_ he had said. He held his parent sacred, but she never did. Ironically, her mother suffered from the longevity of a dragon, and Zeref, who had been like a father to her, was cursed with absolute immortality. Which was the dream for the others, had been a nightmare to her. She had wanted both of them dead.  
”But... Zeref killed me, not you, right? I know you’d do no harm to me. Listening to your bitch mom is the last thing you should do”, Natsu comforted, and Haru was relieved to hear he was on her side, after all. But still, it wasn’t that easy to reprogram yourself after a lifetime of brainwashing. She wanted to believe him, but she was afraid.  
”But I...”  
”Hey, I’m okay. Zeref can fuck himself with that spear. I’ll be fine, I promise.”  
Haru chuckled and sniffled as Natsu wiped her tears away.  
”What does that even mean?”  
”Trust me, you don’t want to know.”  
Haru adored the way Natsu managed to cheer her up. She didn't always understand his jokes, but it was okay. Maybe it was for the best, even.  
”Sounds promising", she smiled, and the tears dried out.  
”Yeah, but you should get back to sleep now. Everything is okay.”  
She nodded and closed her eyes, but didn’t fall asleep. She didn’t want to. In the past, her dreams had been a window to freedom, a way to experience the world outside the archive’s walls. She used to hate waking up from the dream, even if it had been a nightmare. Now her dreams dragged her back to the lonely hell, and each morning she was afraid to open her eyes. She feared the dragonslayer would be gone. In front of that fear, it took a lot of courage to fall asleep.   
”Natsu”, she started quietly, not sure if he was even awake anymore. ”Will you be here when I wake up?”  
The words of Makarov Dreyar had echoed in her head for a while now. _There are people in this world who enjoy being alone, but there isn’t a single person who can bear solitude._ All this time she had convinced herself solitude was her home, where she belonged, but Makarov had been right and she had been wrong. Now hell made a poor description for solitude, and all she knew was that she didn’t want to go back there. Ever again.  
”Of course", the dragonslayer answered.   
She smiled shortly. ”Good.”  
”Sleep now. We’ll have cake for breakfast, remember? The morning comes faster if you sleep.”  
”Cake for breakfast? That would certainly make me fat.”  
”Stop reading those goddamn shit revues. A few extra pounds would look great on you.”  
Haru wasn't sure what he meant. If it was a compliment, she had no idea how to respond.   
”Great in a sense of big or in the sense of good?”  
”Hey, I’m too tired for this”, Natsu chuckled. ”Good night now.”  
”You can’t sleep before you answer that question", she demanded, and Natsu replied with a faint sigh.  
”You’d look good, but because you’re a woman, I’ll say you look good already as you are before you misunderstand me.”  
She frowned. ”What does being a woman have to do with that?”  
”For fuck’s sake, just sleep, please. Close your eyes. You know how to do it.”  
”But I can’t.”  
Natsu grabbed her from the waist and pulled her into his arms. She didn’t know how to react, and the confusion silenced her completely. Maybe that had been his intention.   
”Better now?” Natsu asked.  
Haru didn’t say anything. Carefully, hesitantly even, she pressed her head against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her. But it was better. She had never known how soothing human warmth could be. Even though Natsu seemed calm, it sounded like his heart was going to jump through his ribcage. Maybe they both would wake up in the morning to find out their hearts had escaped while they slept.

Something woke her up at dawn’s break. The nightmare hadn’t returned or a heart escaped, but she couldn’t sleep anymore. Haru had turned her back to him, but his hands had kept her close through the night. Natsu radiated warmth rivalling to the sun, and it became unbearable under the blanket. It had been the heat which awakened her. Besides, his prominent hipbones discomforted her back, gaunt as he was. She thought it better to get up and let him sleep on his own for a while.  
Natsu rolled onto his stomach when she left his side and rose from the bed. His hands clutched into the empty space where she used to be, and her absence woke him up.  
”Hey, it’s like seven o’clock, the sun isn’t even up yet, come back", he mumbled.  
”I think I’ve slept enough. And you poked me with your bones.”  
Natsu fell quiet and his expression shifted into something which resembled panic, and his cheeks turned red.  
”It was an accident.”  
”Yeah, sure.”  
”I mean, it wasn’t my fault, it was _your_ fault, you pushed your butt against me -”  
”What are you talking about? How is it my fault you're too skinny?”  
Natsu buried his face into a pillow and grumbled something._ Fuck_ and _stupid_ were the only recognisable words. Why did he have to be so weird again? Maybe all males were like that, ominous little creatures.   
She stripped her nightwear while the dragonslayer tried to suffocate himself with a pillow, at least so it looked like. She changed into freshly washed black pullover and the leather pants she hadn’t worn in weeks. But when she tried to pull the pants on, they didn’t fit. They stopped halfway up her tights and refused to move.  
”Natsu, we can’t eat that cake, my pants don’t fit me anymore”, she told. The dragonslayer lifted his face and glanced at her struggle. Then he lowered his head again.  
”Then buy bigger ones”, he replied quickly.   
Haru sighed and tossed the pants and the shirt away, and dressed into the velvet dress instead. It had been a little oversized to begin with. The idea of shopping for new clothes didn’t excite her at all.  
”Hey, it’s a good thing”, Natsu continued from the background. ”You were so thin when we met. Like a little bird. Fragile. I was worried.”  
”I’d rather worry about you. You get thinner every day.”  
”But I eat like a horse.”  
”No, you don’t.”  
”Hey, it’s nothing. I’ll eat more cake. I’ll get better, watch me.”  
The cake alone wouldn't fix his condition. Medicine had been her favourite subject, and she knew a lot about it, but the way Natsu’s health crumbled was mysterious. He had been thin all this time, but lately, he had become scrawny and gaunt as if something was eating him up inside.   
_ No, not something. It’s the darkness. _  
Haru looked at Natsu. He gazed out from the window, and the shadows of the tree branches covered his face. She had used to think that the soul was made from fire, but Natsu was different. His entire being was made from fire, so the darkness affected his whole body. The way it suffocated, dimmed his flame was terrifying. While others remained physically the same, his whole self faded. Even more, she feared what would happen if the darkness won. _You are on the verge of falling into the dark, just like Zeref did. It will happen again, and in your weakest moment, you'll give in_, she had said to him back then. And now it was clear. What that weakest moment was going to be, it couldn't be known. The only thing she knew was that Natsu couldn't be alone when it would happen.   
_I'll be your light, and I won’t let you fall._

_\---_

For the entire morning, Natsu had wanted to bang his head to the wall. When he finally got the perfect moment to be close to her, his prick had decided to rise from its ancient slumber and ruin everything. How long had it been, three, four years? Since _that_, this whole part of him had been sleeping, and he wanted it to stay asleep. But now it crept back to life, uninvited, unwanted, and he had utterly no idea how to deal with it. And the worst thing: he would have escaped the situation if he’d kept his mouth shut.   
Natsu stayed quiet all the way to the bakery and mentally banged his head to the brick wall instead. Even when they sat to the corner table with platefuls of cake and cups of steaming hot coffee, he still didn’t know what to say. He was sure Haru had noticed something wasn’t right, but for some reason, she stayed silent as well. It scared him. At this point, he was going to have a mental haemorrhage.   
She ate her piece in silence, and Natsu was still struggling with the first bite. She hadn’t eaten chocolates since the village, but she had found a new obsession: everything flavoured with strawberries. She didn’t mind fresh strawberries that much, but if they were put in cookies, ice-cream, candy, she was sold. So for no surprise, she had picked strawberry cake for breakfast.  
”Erza used to love strawberry cake”, Natsu decided to break the silence before she’d comment it, and it would get awkward. ”One time we had a fight at the guild and someone accidentally stepped on her cake. We got our asses beaten so hard I think it still hurts when I sit down.”  
”Erza was the... the badass who used equip-magic?” she asked. Natsu had told her about the members of the guild, but it was natural not to remember everyone.   
”Yeah, she’s the badass. She might seem harsh and cold at first, but that’s only her outer shell. She’s really warm and caring from the inside. You remind me of her, sometimes.”  
Natsu took a sip from the coffee. He didn’t like it normally, but after the scattered night and early waking, he needed some extra energy. Maybe the caffeine would give him better ideas to talk about.   
”Maybe I’ll get along with her”, Haru said. It made him smile a little. It warmed his heart to know she would join Fairy Tail. Maybe.   
”I know you will”, Natsu smiled and ate a spoonful of the cake. It tasted sweet, too sweet almost.  
”But... I thought... What about Lucy?” she asked abruptly.  
”What about her?”  
Before she could answer, the baker rushed to them. He was pale as a ghost, and sweat was breaking on his forehead.  
”Excuse me, young man, do you have a little time?” the baker asked him. He spoke rapidly like he was under great distress.  
”Yeah, sure”, Natsu answered. ”What is it?”  
”My wife has gone into labour, and I must go home to her. It’s our first child. The thing is, I always bring bread to my mother during my lunch break, but now I can’t. My worker has to stay here to keep the ovens hot. So, could you be so kind and deliver the bread to my mother?”  
Natsu lifted his shoulders. They were the only customers at the moment, so why not to lend a hand.  
”No problem, mate, just tell me where she lives.”  
”I appreciate it. I’ll get the bread and write up the address. You can have anything from the desk for free, as my thanks.”  
The baker ran back to the kitchen, and Haru didn’t finish her question. However, Natsu already knew what she was going to ask. He’d get to that little celestial problem later. It took a minute for the man to come back, carrying a basket with a fresh bread wrapped in linens. He gave it to Natsu along with a small note.  
”There’s one more thing you should know. My mother is rather eccentric. She’s into witchcraft -”  
”It doesn’t matter, I’m a wizard myself.”  
”Good, good... but if she asks to read your future, you must refuse. She loves to do that, but the ones who get their prophecy, not so much. The future is unknown for a reason.”  
”I’ll keep that in mind.”  
”Good. I must go now. Thank you again, young man. And lady.”  
The baker bowed to them and rushed outside, still wearing his apron and high hat. Haru didn’t mind the commotion, she was so focused on enjoying her cake. Natsu finished his piece and went to get something salty for the balance. His head was hurting from the sugar, and maybe from the brick wall, too.

The baker’s mother lived right next to the central park. Her stone house was surrounded by tall iron fences, but the gate was left wide open. The garden surrounding the house was overgrown and wild, withered from the winter cold. Blackbirds chirred and sang on the tree.   
”Half of these herbs are mostly used for cooking”, Haru analysed the deceased plants as they walked down the rock path leading to her door. ”And the other half could kill you. Interesting.”  
”Yeah, interesting.”  
”Look, these mushrooms are said to give you the trip of your life.”  
Natsu looked into the direction she pointed and wanted to puke.  
”Oh shit, those...”  
”What, Natsu, are you a mushroom-eater?" Haru asked with a smirk.  
”Well, let's say that I ate those exact shits by _accident._”  
”Yeah, you and your accidents.”  
”Hey, stop that.”  
Natsu knocked on the door, feeling slightly nervous. Not that he feared the old woman, not at all, but the prophecy-thing had left him worried. He only thought about the future under total anguish, and it always seemed grim, so it was better not to think of it at all. But Haru, she seemed to live in the future rather than in the present moment. It might be difficult for her to resist the temptation.   
An old, short woman came to open the stone door. She had long auburn hair and a black, long-sleeved dress.   
”Hey, I’m Natsu. I came to bring this bread for you because your son is otherwise occupied”, the dragonslayer said, trying to sound as diplomatic as he could. It wasn’t natural for him at all. The woman gazed at him from head to toes, and then to the girl right beside him.   
”Oh, so another grandchild is being born”, she said and stepped from the doorway. ”Come in, please.”  
”We were just leaving -”  
A black cat appeared behind the old woman, and Haru’s eyes turned into hearts. She rushed right past the lady to pet the cat, and Natsu had no choice but to follow her. Natsu gave the basket to the woman and closed the door behind him.   
The house smelled of a thousand different herbs, and a black cat rubbed itself against Haru’s feet. The girl was overjoyed, but Natsu felt suspicious. The smells of herbs of life and death mixed in his head and made him dizzy again. The old woman walked slowly into the kitchen cove. The room was filled with all kinds of occultic things: a bookshelf full of thick tomes, skulls of birds and cats, dozens of different gemstones. But Natsu doubted she could use any magic at all. She didn’t have an aura around her, but from Haru, he had learned it was best not to judge a book by its cover.   
”Thank you so much”, the granny said. ”My son truly is the best baker in this town.”  
”His cake was delicious”, Haru answered. ”What’s the name of this cat?”  
”Oh, that one is probably Jerk or Dick. I can’t remember, I have four black cats, most of them are outside right now. The coloured ones are easier to remember. What were they, Moron, Imbecile, Debile... The red one was definitely Satan...”  
Natsu buried his face into his hands. What kind of a person would name their cats like that? Maybe it was fun to call them back home and confuse the neighbours.   
”Dick? What a pretty name", the girl said as the cat climbed into her arms. Natsu had never seen her so happy, but he had had enough. He'd take her to see some normally named cats.  
”Yeah, Haru, we should get going, we’ll miss the train -”  
”Natsu, we aren’t even leaving today.”  
”Yeah, but -”  
”Oh, I see you’re busy to be with each other, I know", the old woman looked at them with a smirk. "But what would you want for a reward for your kindness, young man? I can’t let you go without a reward.”  
”Nothing, we got another piece of cake and extra cups of coffee. That’s enough.”  
She ignored his refusal and turned to Haru instead.   
”But what about you, lady? Would you like to know what kind of fate awaits for you?” the woman asked. ”The most beautiful ones have the most beautiful futures.”  
”Yeah, sure”, she answered, and let the cat go. Natsu dragged her from the wrist and pulled her close to him.  
”Hey, the baker warned us from this”, Natsu hissed at her quietly. ”Don’t do this.”  
”It can’t be anything bad”, Haru answered. ”They’re for fun, like the horoscopes. Just as correct.”  
”Haru, please -”  
She turned towards the old woman. Natsu continued banging his head to the imaginary brick wall. As he had expected, everything went to hell. There was no turning back now, no matter what he did.  
”I need a drop of your blood”, the woman said and took something from an ornamented box. ”Take this, a little drop from your fingertip is enough.”  
Haru took the needle and pinched herself to her thumb.   
”Then put it into my left eye”, she said. ”It sees clearer than the right.”  
Natsu had to look away. With all his heart, he hoped she wouldn't tell anything bad. Or embarrassing. Or anything. Maybe a prophecy for a cat would be good for her, but everything else wouldn't.  
”I see fire... An endless field of fire”, the granny began. ”I see you walking into the fire, into the flames hot enough to slay an immortal being... and in the middle of the field I see a dying dragon, red scales fading to white.”  
Natsu flinched and turned his eyes to the girl. She stared at the old woman, terrified, hopeless. Even Natsu began to shiver.  
”Is there anything else?” the girl asked quietly.  
”Then there’s nothing”, the elder answered. ”Then it’s dark.”  
Haru moved to his side, took his hand and looked up to his eyes. Natsu couldn’t recall ever seeing her so helplessly scared. Though he wanted to say _I told you so_, he didn’t.   
”Thank you”, Natsu said to the woman, as politely as he could. ”We’ll get going now.”  
That had been the reward for their kindness. The granny wiped the blood from her eyes and the dragonslayer dragged Haru out. Though the prophecy had been frightening as it was, something about it upset her even more. She was stiff from fear. Natsu closed the door and held her from arms.  
"You know, prophecies are as correct as horoscopes", Natsu said, but his consoling had absolutely no effect.  
"But she described my dream", she stuttered and he found no more words. The last part echoed in his mind.   
_ And then it's dark. _


	15. THE GHOSTS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mention(s) of sexual violence/abuse.

_”It is a dark and fulfilling feeling of frustration_  
_to reminisce and feel the opposite of anticipation_  
_It is a talent of the soul to discover the joys in pain_  
_thinking of moments you long for, knowing you’ll never have them again.”_  
Woods of Ypres - The Ghosts of Summer’s Past 

  
Had it been then, when Natsu wanted to meet her in the central park at sunset? Maybe. She had dressed in her prettiest dress, combed her hair for eternity and chosen her best perfume. She had been sure Natsu would confess something to her, even Mirajane had supported that doubt. He had acted so weirdly it couldn't be anything else but a love confession. But no, she had been so wrong. She had found Natsu shovelling the ground under the tree, covered in dirt and sweat. He had only needed her spirit, Virgo, to dig up a hidden stash of embarrassing photos of the guild members. Lucy had felt like the stupidest person in the world.   
Of all the stupid things in her life, she had fallen in love.  
Even though it had been only her imagination, it all started that night. It was the catalyst which made things real. After that, the little butterflies returned to her belly every time they met. She enjoyed being close to his warmth. She loved his smile, his braveness, the way his dumbest jokes made her laugh until her stomach hurt. But Natsu had been a tough one to love. Or, figure if he felt the same way. One day the signs were perfectly clear, and the other they were non-existent. In her dreams, she returned to that moment, to that sunset, and things turned out differently. She’d find no shovels, no dirt, but a handsome young man with a rose in his hand waiting for her. She’d hear the words she never heard, and all of _this_ would have been just a nightmare. She was a hopeless romantic, after all. Natsu, not that much.   
But had it ever been anything but her imagination, like it was that night? Had she completely misread him? There had always been this barrier around him, which said _this is as far as you can go_. There had always been a certain distance. She had got to the point where Natsu took one step back for each step she took to get closer to him. An eternal limbo. All this time Natsu had been running away from her, and she only noticed it when he disappeared from her sight: too late. He ran away, won the race, and never looked back. Which would hurt more: knowing it was never real, or knowing she had waited too long, and lost her place to someone else? At this point, her heart was going to end up aching anyway. Maybe both scenarios existed in the same, cruel reality.  
The pages of Lucy’s diary had stayed empty since Natsu’s letter arrived. Each time she took the pen in her hand and began to write, the words vanished into thin air. Like now. She stared down at the empty page, and nothing came to mind. The train moved peacefully on the rails, the sun had set a while ago, and Happy purred next to her, tight asleep. The only thing in her mind was a mess. She pressed the pen against the paper and drew the mess. A big, black mess like a tangled yarn to visualize her thoughts. Too many knots, too many loose ends.   
They would arrive in Magnolia at any moment. She turned back a page and inked the previous text black. She overdrew everything, every word she had written about him. Lucy pressed the pen on paper so hard it nearly tore the journal apart, so she would forget the false dreams she had had. She wanted to forget each memory, each false sign, each false hope.   
The best thing she ever had had never been real.

Hours later she was standing at the familiar door. In the train, she had been ready to forget everything and start moving on, but now, the memories came crushing back. The happiest ones had become the most painful ones. How many times she had opened this door and found Natsu sitting in right there in the living room’s couch? Dozens, hundreds, she didn’t remember.   
Lucy opened the door with sweaty, trembling hands. The pounding of her heart echoed in her ears and her eyes stayed tightly closed. The blue cat put on the lights in her stead and flew in, but Lucy stood at the doorway, perfectly still.  
”Lucy, are you okay?” Happy asked. ”Everything is as it used to be, you can open your eyes now.”  
And she did, and as she had feared, for a moment Natsu’s ghost sat on the couch, waving his hand and smiling. That wide, happy smile she used to love. She could almost hear his voice. _Yo, Luce! Want to go for a job?_ The most painful kind of hope was the one which awakened in the heart only to be suffocated seconds later. It forced her to bow down in sorrow. When she raised her eyes again, the ghost faded away. Lucy wanted to turn on her heels and run away, run until she’d collapse, to be anywhere else but here.   
”Come on in, Lucy”, the blue cat hollered. ”It gets cold if you keep the door open.”  
She slammed the door shut and left her bags at the entry. Everything was as it used to be, her desk, her bed, everything was in place. The landlord had kept it clean, and it seemed no-one had lived there while she was away. The place smelled familiar, of her old fragrances and a hint of smoke... a hint of Natsu. Though she wanted to cry, the tears didn’t come. She collapsed into the bed and stared into the ceiling.   
”Lucy, who do you think the girl with Natsu was?” the cat asked and flew next to her. It felt like a knife struck directly into her heart. She had been repeating the same question like a broken record for the last four days. The more she thought of it, the more it hurt.  
”I really don’t know”, Lucy answered quietly. ”And I don’t know if I want to.”  
Lucy had tried to convince herself there was nothing to worry about, but the unsettling feeling didn’t leave her stomach. She had tried to bargain with reality. _It wasn’t Natsu, it was his doppelgänger_, she tried to tell herself, but it kind of didn’t work like that. The denial had turned into anger. All this time Lucy had saved herself for him, waited patiently for his return, turned down every guy who asked her for a date. How could he do this to her? How did he _dare?_   
”I think that... When I last saw him there was a demon behind his eyes, but when I looked at that picture, I didn’t see it. He looked calm. He wouldn’t hold anyone’s hand until he has gotten better. I think she’s a good sign.”  
Happy spoke true, but it didn’t ease her mind. She saw no demons, no calmness, only something she didn’t want to see. She felt cheated. Betrayed. She wanted to erase the picture from her mind, but she couldn’t. Lucy used to laugh at Juvia, who planned on committing homicide when another girl even looked at Gray, but now she kind of understood her. With Natsu, the concept of a love rival hadn't even existed, until now.   
”But Lucy, are you jealous?” Happy asked and cuddled her arm. ”You’ve been so quiet lately. Do you think Natsu -”  
”I loved him, Happy”, Lucy interrupted harshly. ”And I still love. I was good to him, I took good care of him, but he ran away from me. I’ve cried for him all by myself, while he... while he...”  
”Lucy… I feel kind of sorry for you, but Natsu, he probably… never was into that kind of thing.”  
Lucy swallowed her tears. She had cried enough for him. She was done being sad. The anger felt much more empowering.  
”Then how the hell is he into her?”  
”You’re jumping into conclusions”, Happy consoled. ”We don’t know anything, and we won’t until he comes back.”  
”I don’t want him to come at all if he drags that bitch along.”  
”Lucy! What if she saved Natsu’s life? Would you still be so mean about her? Natsu was in a bad, bad place... Only a miracle could have saved him. Natsu is alive against all the odds, and I feel like we should thank that girl for it.”  
Silence fell as Lucy was left to ponder over the cat's words. Which was more important: Natsu being alive or being hers? Getting both wasn't an option anymore.   
And the best thing she ever had, was it real or not, was forever gone.

\---  
  
The spoken words would vanish in time, but the written would remain, and in the worst case, turn true. The pages of Haru’s journal had stayed empty as well. She lied on the bed with the pen and the book but didn’t dare to write anything down. How many days had passed? She had lost count. The last entry was written somewhere halfway through November, and since then, nothing. Haru turned her palms towards the ceiling. Maybe a week had passed since she had that dream, judging from the way the wounds had healed. She didn't need to wear bandages anymore. The burnt skin was white and stiff, the cuts closed but a shade of deep red. They still hurt a bit, especially when cloth touched them. She kept the long sleeves of her new, grey nightdress rolled up to prevent the pain. Sometimes the whole thing faded into the background of her mind, but now the scars reminded it had been real. It really happened. For a moment, she lost her sense of purpose, she lost her way, and the scars would be there forever. But she didn’t mind. They were the markings of each of Natsu’s two sides - good and bad. The one which hurt her, and the one which saved her.   
Haru closed the journal and reached for her bag. She pulled it from the floor and replaced the diary with the book of Seath the Scaleless. It had been lastly read at the summerhouse and had something in between it. Haru opened it from the marked page and to her surprise, her necklace was there. She had completely forgotten about it. She lifted the silver chain above her head so the amulet swung on the level of her eyes. The old silver had dimmed, but she could still see her reflection from the ornamented dragon. The dragon, in the shape of a circle, eating its own tail. What a mockery it was to use the symbol of death and rebirth as a bookmark for a story of a dragon searching for immortality. Maybe back then she had found it funny. But now, when the sight of a dying dragon had haunted her for days, it wasn’t funny at all.  
Noise and rattle echoed from downstairs. A while ago they had eaten dinner in peace, but then Natsu had heard someone mocking Fairy Tail, and decided to teach those idiots a lesson. In his world, anyone who dishonoured the name of his guild deserved to get their ass beaten. Haru had taken her leave when Natsu switched from words into fists. She couldn't stand the racket and the uproar. But gladly, since the whole inn wasn’t on fire, it has stayed as a fistfight. She trusted he'd come out fine if he'd let the steam out. Someone screamed in pain and the noise stopped. It wasn’t Natsu.  
Haru closed the necklace into her fist when Natsu came back to the room a minute later. As she had expected, he had won the brawl, but not without injury. A thin trail of blood ran down from his temple, and his knuckles were covered in blood as well, but whose, she couldn’t tell. Even though he had won, he wasn’t in a good mood at all. He didn’t say anything to her, just went straight to the bathroom with a grim, angry aura looming around him. The dragonslayer slammed the door, and then it got quiet.  
Haru closed the book of Seath before reading a single line and put the silver chain around her neck. The weight of the amulet felt familiar on her chest, right there where it had been for years. It had once belonged to her mother, by the time she had been the queen of dragons. She rose from the bed, walked across the room and leaned against the bathroom door.   
”Are you okay?” she asked. The faucet didn’t run, the mirror didn’t crack, it was perfectly quiet. She placed her hand on the doorknob, sticky from the blood. She didn’t wait for his answer: there wasn’t going to be one. She opened the door slightly and peeked in.  
Natsu sat in the dry, empty bathtub, hugging his knees. Fading sunlight came through the small window above the tub, slightly brightening the twilit room. She tiptoed in, carefully, soundlessly, assessing his mood, whether it was okay to get closer or not. He stared down, ignoring her completely. He desperately tried to calm down his inner turbulence, but Haru knew he couldn’t do it on his own. This was a dangerous mood, but she wasn’t afraid. She never was.  
Haru stepped into the opposite end of the bathtub and noticed the red stain on the tub’s bottom. It had been his blood, after all, bleeding from his knuckles. He had probably punched a glass, broken it, and the pieces had cut him in return. It had stained the sleeves of his shirt. Natsu raised his head, but his eyes didn’t reach hers. They stopped at the necklace.  
”Nice jewel”, he grunted and lowered his head again. Haru pressed her knees against her chest, minding the bloodstain next to her bare feet. The silver dragon eating its own tail glimmered as sunlight touched it, but not a single ray reached Natsu. He stayed in the shadows while Haru bathed in light.  
”What happened, Natsu?” Haru asked. Blood dripped from Natsu’s hand, ever enlarging the red pool on the emailed porcelain. The surface tension wasn’t enough to keep it intact, and one escaped drop caused the whole fluid to flow towards Haru.  
”Hey, blood, don’t stain her”, Natsu said quietly, completely ignoring her question. ”Stay put, motherfucker.”  
The blood didn’t obey. It felt boiling hot on her toes as one could expect from a dragon’s blood. It had felt equally hot in her nightmare when it had rained from the sky.  
”Natsu -”  
”Can you not say anything right now?” he asked harshly. ”Be here, but don’t say anything, okay?”  
As he wished, Haru stayed quiet. He needed a moment to calm down, but the dream of a dying dragon had left her with a haunting worry over him, so she couldn’t leave him alone either. Seeing him bleed was hard enough, so she reached for a towel and wrapped it around his hands. Then she leaned against the hard curve of the bathtub, waiting for him to calm down. 

The silence lasted until the sun had set. Light no longer glimmered on her silver dragon, the room had darkened, the blood had dried and turned black. The dragonslayer took a deep breath.   
”You know, those four guys, those bastards made fun of Lucy”, Natsu started. His voice was smoother now. ”They had seen her pictures and spoke disgusting things about her. Things they’d want to do her. I told them to stop that, but they recognised me. They said now I'm not there to protect her, she’s free for the taking. But this one guy, he had seen me with you and… said nasty things about you, too.”  
Haru had read of that kind of men, but never crossed paths with them. Previously it would have been confusing, but now as she understood more, it was disgusting. Those were the hungry black eels Natsu had mentioned before.  
”What did he say?” Haru asked.  
”Do you want a literal quote?”  
”Yes.”  
”Something like ’is she your new bitch’, I said no, he said ’we should take her instead and see if that face is still pretty after it’s beaten and covered in cum’, and I lost it. He should be glad he's still alive. I wanted to burn that scumbag into ashes.”  
Haru gazed at him sorrowfully. His hands no longer bled, but probably hurt like hell. The way he protected her dignity was touching.  
”I could defend myself if -”  
”I know you could, but I couldn’t stand them talking about you like that, humiliating you. The very thought...”  
Natsu finally looked into her eyes. He was nearly crying.  
”I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you like that”, he continued. ”I know you’re an adult woman but you’re just so… pure, innocent, like a child, you know? You know what I’m talking about? I mean, of course you don’t, but...”  
Haru smiled shortly.   
”You think I’ve read all those magazines and learnt nothing by now?”  
Natsu looked down, grunting something. Probably _fuck_. Had it been the reason why he didn’t want her to read those? Probably.  
”There’s this whole part about humanity I've never explored", Haru said, not sure which words she should use. "Zeref didn’t have a single book of that topic. Indeed, I didn’t know anything until I crossed these articles about… you know.”  
”So that’s why you thought sexiness is a disease”, Natsu chuckled.   
She laughed a bit.  
”I remember”, she said, smiling. ”I really thought it was some horrible skin condition.”   
Natsu smiled, looked down and rubbed his forehead, wiping back his hair. He always did that when he was feeling uncomfortable.  
”I once asked Zeref about it, how I came to be or something. He answered that he once loved a girl but learnt a hard way that love is a mistake. Didn’t ask about it since. I had my own assumptions, pretty far from reality though...”  
She had talked of every possible thing with Natsu, but with this topic, she hesitated. It was intimate, scary, and private. Utterly confusing.  
”I remember how I learnt about it”, Natsu said, sounding a bit more relaxed. ”I was about 12. I found an egg from the forest and took care of it with Lisanna. I thought babies came from eggs and was terrified of having a baby with her. I ran to Gildarts, screaming that I’m having a baby with Lisanna, what should I do. I’ll remember the look on the pervert’s face forever. He was like ’Natsu, my son! You got laid even younger than I did!’, and I didn’t get it. I told him I didn’t get laid, whatever it meant, we only found an egg. Well, then Gildarts gave me pretty explicit sex education, told me everything in detail… 'Bees and flowers’ would have been enough, but he’s one damn pervert. It was pretty traumatising, but I was relieved I wasn’t going to have a baby after all...”  
Haru could imagine the young Natsu panicking, and then wanting to sink under the ground. How adorable it had been.   
”Babies from eggs? Even I wasn’t that ignorant", she teased.  
”Hey, I was raised by a dragon, so of course I thought I came from an egg.”  
Haru smiled. ”What happened to the egg?”  
”Happy hatched from it.”  
”So you had a cat baby.”  
”Well, it’s better than having a real one at the age of 12. Lisanna was even younger. Damn… I’d be a horrible dad. I’d teach my kids how to make flaming farts. Together we would annoy their mother to death and smell bad forever.”  
Haru giggled at the image but knew it wouldn't be true. That was what the happy Natsu would do, and somehow she knew the careless happiness he had mentioned would never return. And she envied Lisanna. Haru would have wanted to see the happy Natsu.   
”Have you ever... you know, done it, with anyone?" Haru asked.  
Natsu stayed quiet surprisingly long, long enough to make her regret that question. But she wanted to know him. Everything about him. This, too. She wanted to know why he reacted to certain things the way he did: why the talk of this made him uncomfortable.   
”Shit, there’s no lying to you, right? I’ve never told anyone before”, he said after a small silence. ”But yeah, once. Just once.”  
She was sincerely surprised. Natsu was an attractive young man, after all. A pretty boy. She had thought girls would gouge each other's eyes out for him.   
”I expected you’d be more experienced."  
"What, do you take me for a gigolo?" Natsu grinned, but then got serious again. ”There's only this one time. And I really regret it.”  
Haru knit her brows and fixed her posture. The bathtub wasn't too comfortable without water but leaving the dark bathroom would break the conversation. Break the atmosphere.  
”How?” she asked, genuinely interested.  
”I was stupid and too young. Lisanna was way too young, only 15. I didn’t know what we were by the time. We had grown over from playing a family but didn’t really date either. But I had a crush on her, I loved her, even. One day she had an argument with her sister and came to me for comfort. I got a master idea of stealing beer from the guild and drinking it with her to cheer her up. Then it… escalated. Can't remember why, or how we ended up in bed. I keep telling myself it was her initiative, maybe to save myself from guilt.”  
”Guilt?” Haru asked.  
”The only thing I remember is that it was painful for her and I was too drunk to feel a thing”, Natsu answered. ”But the worst thing, hurting her is the last memory I have of her. She left for a job the next morning and came back in a coffin. I was just a boy, so it broke this whole part of me. I hated myself for that for a long time and swore I’d never do it again with anyone.”  
Natsu looked away from her, to the black tiles on the floor. Haru wanted to hug him and say it's okay but stayed put. He was still so broken.   
”It’s a heavy burden to carry all alone.”  
”I think that’s why I flipped at those guys”, he said. ”To hear them talking about hurting Lucy and you that way… It was my own guilt which made me punch them, I guess.”  
”You never got to talk of it with her?”  
”Yeah.”  
”So maybe that’s why you feel that way now. You never got to hear her point of view. She might have experienced it differently.”  
Natsu seemed slightly relieved. At least his aura wasn't so grim anymore.  
”Too late to ask now, but… you might be right. At some point, I was like 'what does it matter if she liked it or not, she's already dead', but it mattered for me. I didn't want to have that kind of memory to stain everything. I should have talked to someone but didn’t really have anyone. I kept it all for myself. And I thought speaking it aloud would make it real, and if I stayed quiet it would go away, but it never did...”  
”Yeah, the dark feeds on silence.”  
”Surely does. But I… I’m glad I can talk to you. There isn’t really a choice, isn’t there? You know it when I’m lying. But it’s good for me. I’m tired of secrets.”  
Haru smiled at him, and he glanced at her quickly. The smile spread on him, too.   
”But what about you and Lucy?”  
”I didn’t let her too close. I was afraid of hurting her, then losing her. I didn’t let myself feel anything. I thought it was better to live without love than lose it once more.”  
Zeref's words flashed in her mind. _Love is a mistake I shall never repeat,_ the black wizard had said. Even though Zeref had done horrible things, sometimes she felt sympathy for him, too. She had wanted to save him, the same way she wanted to save Natsu. Maybe she had a thing for fallen devils.   
”That’s sad", she said quietly.   
”Lucy was so cheerful, bubbly, happy… I didn’t want to drag her down into my hell, so I pretended to be happy. With her, I created a happy mask. The more I kept pretending the more burdening it became, to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t think she’d love the man I’ve become. She wouldn’t love the monster I truly am.”  
”How so?”  
”She isn’t like you.”  
Haru blinked her eyes and didn’t say anything. The dragonslayer looked directly into her, with a gaze which explained all the rest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In canon, Natsu barely had any sexuality at all, but my intention is to make "my version" of him a lot deeper and darker than the canon one. I don't like to write sexual content unless it's significant for the plot, so don't worry, this fic isn't going to be a 100k word prologue for smut. I still haven't decided if there's going to be any real sexual content here at all.
> 
> I'm looking forward to so many things in this story. I can't wait for Natsu and Lucy to meet, and it won't be long. They had really different views on their relationship. I've planned a major character development for Lucy. I don't want her to stay like that, angsty and jealous. She'll get better. I'm not planning for her and Haru to stay as rivals either.  



	16. THE GREATEST OF ALL CURSES

_”I wouldn’t miss it for the world_  
_with that having been said_  
_could you be careful with your words_  
_because my world is in your hands_  
_It was a year ago today_  
_It put a desperate man to death_  
_he was the man I used to be _  
_he trusted every word you said.”_  
Woods of Ypres - A Meeting Place and Time

Lucy had closed her eyes a while ago, but sleep didn’t come.  
She tried to resist the urge to toss and turn. It got harder and harder every second. Her shoulder itched, then her scalp, and she wanted to scratch them bloody. But her hands stayed tied to the bed, still as a stone statue. The sleep would come eventually if she'd just stay still. _Tonight isn’t any different_, she told herself._ Tomorrow comes faster if I sleep._  
And maybe that kept her awake. The thought of tomorrow. The thought of finally meeting Natsu. She no longer wanted to run to him and embrace him so tight his bones would shatter. She didn’t know at all what she’d do if he'd even show up. Would she cry? Would she smile? Would she slap him? Kiss him? All the endless scenarios boiled inside her mind, a cacophony she couldn’t stop. If she could knock herself out with magic, or even silence the noises, she’d do it. Unfortunately, she didn’t know that kind of a spell. Sometimes magic was useless when you needed it the most.  
Then someone knocked on the door.  
Lucy’s eyes snapped open wide, fully alert. Had it been her imagination or did someone really knock? She waited, counted on seconds staring into the dark ceiling, and then it happened again. Louder than before. Three, strong knocks. Lucy got up and wrapped into her nightrobe, tiptoed to the door. It couldn’t be Natsu, could it? She took a deep breath before opening it.  
”Lucy-san...” a quiet voice said. ”Is it too late to come by?”  
Lucy lowered her eyes to the small, blue-haired, sweet girl, and to the white Exceed next to her. The sight pushed her dark thoughts aside. A smile spread on her lips and without a second thought, Lucy closed Wendy into an embrace.   
”No, of course not!” Lucy exclaimed joyfully. ”Come in, Happy is here, too.”  
Lucy let go of her and stepped out from their way. She closed the door behind them and put the night light on as they settled in. Happy awakened to the commotion, and rose up in the bed, rubbing his eyes.  
”Good to see you, Happy!” Wendy said to the blue cat. Happy stared at the two visitors, dumbfounded for a moment, and then flew straight to Carla’s neck, crying. Lucy sat down on the couch, delighted to see that the white cat accepted Happy’s hug. It hadn’t happened too often. Still surprised, Lucy blinked her eyes when she looked at the blue-haired mage. It had been so long since she had seen her. Fairy Tail disbanded almost exactly a year ago.   
”I heard you joined Lamia Scale”, Lucy said to her. ”How has it been?”  
A little sadness sparked in Wendy’s eyes, but she smiled then.  
”I made some new friends, we had a lot of fun, but they knew all along Fairy Tail is my home”, she said shyly. ”When I got your letter, I hesitated… But they told me to go. They told me we would still be friends.”  
”That’s true, Wendy. Friendship doesn’t look at our guild marks, right?”  
”Yeah, and all this time, I really missed you guys… I missed everyone so much. Did you contact all of us?”  
Lucy looked down and Happy flew to her shoulder.  
”I couldn’t find anyone”, Lucy said quietly. ”There’s still no word of Master, Gildarts is missing as usual, and...”  
Carla, smart as she was, already knew who the last person was. Wendy noticed his absence, too. All dragonslayers were accompanied with Exceeds, so seeing Happy alone felt scary and confusing. Like seeing someone without a soul.  
”Is Natsu…?” the white cat asked, but didn’t dare to finish the sentence.   
”He’s alive. We contacted him, too”, Happy said in Lucy’s stead. ”I believe we’ll see him tomorrow.”  
Wendy looked down. She had also found and lost her dragon parent one year ago, but Grandine’s departure had been different than Igneel’s. Grandine had left peacefully, Igneel violently. Wendy got to say goodbye. Natsu didn’t.   
”What have the others been doing, do you know?” Wendy asked, trying to change the subject, to maintain harmony. Lucy agreed. She didn’t want to talk about him now.   
”I’ve heard Levy and Gajeel joined the council. Erza, Gray and Juvia have been investigating a dark guild which worships Zeref. Cana has been… probably drinking, I guess.”  
”You really kept track on all of us?”  
”Yeah”, she smiled a bit shyly.  
”Lucy, you’re truly amazing”, Wendy said. ”You really love this guild.”  
”The guild is my family, isn’t it?”  
Wendy wrapped her arms around Lucy.  
”Thank you”, Wendy whispered against her chest.   
  
The morning opened as a gloomy and grim as you’d expect of the last day of November.  
Lucy walked down the streets of Magnolia, with Happy, Wendy and Carla by her side. She had noticed one thing. When the skies were dark like this, her shadow disappeared. Of course, she had known it took light to cast a shadow, but she never really paid any attention to it. She had never understood it in a symbolic way. When the days were bright and sunny, the shadows were the deepest and darkest, yet no-one paid attention to them. And now, when grey clouds covered the sun, the shadows faded away, and their absence could be noticed. Everyone carried a shadow, but the less it was embodied in conscious life, the deeper and denser it got.   
Lately, Lucy had explored her own shadow, hidden deep in her unconscious mind. It was scary to discover that everything she hated and despised lived inside her. Lately, she had been standing in front of her own light and being possessed by the things she loathed. Maybe, when it was dark like this, the shadow disappeared because it merged into her, surfaced through the words and actions she had never believed to be capable of doing.  
Lucy stopped. She couldn’t take a single step forward when an unpleasant thought occurred in her head, rooted in Wendy's words. Though Wendy had thanked her last night, was she just too kind to say how she truly felt? A sudden regret struck her heart: what had she done? Would reviving the guild really solve anything, or would she have to go through the same pain again?   
”Are you okay?” Wendy asked gently and halted with her.  
Lucy stared down in silence.   
”I wonder… what if anyone else won’t come?”  
”What do you mean?”  
”Your new friends forced you to come, didn’t they? I mean… Everyone has gone their own paths for a year, why should they turn back now?”  
”Lucy -”  
”I had hoped this guild would still live in the hearts of everyone, but do they even… even remember anymore? The bond we had? Was it ever real?”  
Wendy’s eyes lighted with disbelief. Lucy's shadow fed her thoughts she couldn’t believe as her own. But they were. These vile thoughts came from her own mind, from her own fears, and as she had already used up all her hope and light, they had room to surface. She could already see herself standing in the crater where Fairy Tail used to be, all alone, waiting for the others to come. And they'd never come, like the saddest childhood birthday.   
”Fairy Tail is our family, Lucy -”  
”You said they told you to come. _Told_. Do the others have anyone who tells them to come, like a mother forcing you to play with the shy child so the kid wouldn't be lonely?”  
Even Happy couldn’t understand Lucy’s words.  
”Have we come this far only to admit the time has come to end the tradition? We gather in good intentions, but for what? Repairing unions? Rekindling old fires?”  
Lucy lifted her face to the dark grey sky. Instead of opening old wounds, she should be moving forward, just like everyone else. She had stayed stuck in the past, stuck in the hope of having it all back. And now that rope she refused to let go had begun to strangle her. She could almost feel sorrow’s hands around her throat.  
But they weren’t sorrow’s hands. Suddenly, thin arms wrapped her into an embrace from behind. A familiar smell of alcohol lingered around the brown-haired girl like a cloud of perfume.  
”Have you gone insane, Lu-chan?” Cana asked and squeezed the blonde tighter. ”Like I’d forget you in a year. Like any of us would forget in a year. Come on, we’re all here.”  
Cana grabbed her left hand, where Lucy had her guild mark and started to run towards guildhall’s ruins. In loss of words, Lucy’s feet began to move again, following her brunette friend.   
”You know, this year has been such an eye-opener for me”, Cana told her while they ran. ”I’ve been in this guild since I was little, so why wouldn’t I be ’til the end of my life? What’s the point in anything if our guild doesn’t exist anymore?”  
”Cana -”  
”Don’t say anything, Lucy, we’re almost there.”   
They arrived at the edge of the low crater where the guildhall used to be. And everyone was there, in the middle of the ruins. Cana dragged Lucy down the slope, everyone’s greetings echoed in the air, but Lucy barely heard. Overwhelming happiness began to flood over her, in this rollercoaster of emotions life had turned into. _All thank Lucy for bringing the family back together_, they said. Cana let go of her hand when they reached the bottom of the crater, and Erza was the first to approach her. The scarlet-haired warrior woman closed her into an embrace, and Lucy began to tremble.  
Lucy leaned into Erza’s shoulder and looked at everyone. Gray and Juvia seemed close and happy, so did Gajeel and Levy… when did those two…? Mirajane waved at her and Elfman showed off his muscles, as usual. Even Laxus was here with his thunder tribe, gazing at her with a strange smirk. Macao, Romeo, Droy and Jet, Alzack and Bisca, and everyone else she had reached for was here.   
  
And the family had gathered there after a year of being apart, to repair unions, to rekindle old fires. _Fairy Tail revived right here!_ some shouted in joy. Lucy talked to everyone, hugged everyone, asked how they've been. Hours passed making plans for how they'd start rebuilding the guild. Lucy was finally home, but it didn't feel like it.  
Among all these familiar faces, Lucy’s eyes searched for a certain pink-haired fire mage. It made her feel almost guilty. All these smiles, all this laughter, but she wasn’t fully satisfied because he wasn’t here. People muttered his name, wondered where he was, what happened to him, why Happy was alone. Fairy Tail wouldn’t be revived completely without him. Natsu had been a part of this guild forever. He had been the one who kept everyone's spirits up through the darkest days. Natsu had been the one who got her into this guild of her dreams, and now she drowned in her disappointment and loneliness. Like a childhood’s birthday where everyone else appeared except your dearest, best friend, who had promised to come. _I wouldn’t miss it for the world_, he had said, and he had lied.   
”Lucy, he’ll show up for sure”, Happy consoled, noticing her unrest. ”Natsu wouldn’t eat his words like that.”  
Lucy didn’t say anything. She stared at the grey ground in silence, trying to hide her inner pain. She wasn't the only one who felt that pain. The memory of Natsu being crushed by Igneel's death was still clear in everyone's minds, and his absence didn't go unnoticed.  
But then there was a presence. It loomed low like storm clouds, with the immense strength like the wrath of the gods. The murmur quieted instantly. The enormous, sinister magic power lingered in the air. Lucy held her breath while it crept closer and a person in black cloak appeared at the edge of the crater, face hidden under a hood. Her heart pounded restlessly in her chest, panicking even – had the enemy found them so fast? The person crouched in the debris, dug something and raised up the tattered flag of Fairy Tail. The motion swung his hood away. Lucy’s heart nearly stopped. She gazed at the pink hair in awe, and then her eyes met his. And she could have sworn it wasn’t him.   
_Natsu…_   
His cloak and pink hair swayed in the wind as he struck the guild's flag to the ground. But as she looked into his eyes, it was clear that the guild was the only thing connecting them now. The contrast between the memory and the present was as vast as the ocean. He had always been strong, but she'd never known he'd be able to grow_ this_ frighteningly strong. Lucy pressed her hands into fists, and Natsu turned his head towards a stranger who had appeared perfectly unnoticed behind him. A small girl with dark brown, shoulder-length curls, the one Lucy recognized from the newspaper. Biting her tongue, she forced herself to look away when Natsu took the girl’s hand and helped her over the junk on the ground, and down to the slope.  
No-one cheered his name like back in the old times. Happy trembled helplessly as he watched the shadow which remained of his best friend. Tears welled up in his eyes, a sign of both fear and desire. Lucy could see how desperately Happy wanted to fly into Natsu’s arms but was too scared to do so. So scared of his best friend. Lucy glanced over her shoulder – the blue cat and the dragonslayer looked deep into each other, but what their eyes were speaking, Lucy couldn’t tell.  
Suddenly the tension eased and Natsu smiled. It was different from any smile Lucy had seen before. It was _new_. Natsu got down onto his knees and spread his arms open wide. Happy burst into tears and flew to the dragonslayer as fast as a shooting star. Natsu collapsed on his back from the impact and closed his arms around his Exceed.  
_ I’m home!_ Natsu said under Happy’s loud sobbing. Hearing his voice sent shivers down her spine. Lucy raised her eyes to the girl standing behind them. The girl had no presence at all, no magical aura to be sensed. Her expression revealed nothing of her, and for a moment Lucy doubted if she was even real. But she didn't seem threatening compared to Natsu.  
”What is it, Lucy?” Cana asked behind her. ”Why won’t you go greet him?”  
Lucy wanted to ask if she could see her too but stayed quiet. Happy flew in front of the stranger, gently poking her cheeks with his paws. She was real, but against her expectations, Lucy felt nothing. She had expected to be boiling from jealousy if that girl would be with Natsu, but she felt absolutely nothing towards her. Lucy's mind fixated on the dragonslayer. Natsu got up from the ground, wiping the dust from his coat, and turned to look at Lucy again. He seemed like he wanted to say something. Though she had sworn to not shed a single tear for him anymore, she couldn’t help the tears from welling up when Natsu waved at her shyly. Lucy failed to wave in return. She held her hands over her mouth and felt her stomach sinking. How could a person change so much in just a _year_? The frightening, gloomy darkness behind those familiar, deep green eyes made real everything she had tried to deny for so long. Everything Happy had said had been true. The stranger by his side didn’t matter at all. It was the stranger Natsu had turned into which broke her heart. Some kind of dark, sinister disease had swallowed Natsu whole, chewed him up and spit out his shadow. Lucy had thought the shadows couldn't exist when the sun didn't shine, but Natsu proved otherwise.  
The year-long wait was over now. Lucy stood still and silent, frozen by confusion – she couldn’t speak, couldn’t wave, couldn’t do absolutely anything. Natsu lowered his hand, smiled shortly and disappeared behind Gray and Juvia who rushed to greet him. Lucy forced her trembling legs to move one step back, then another, and then she turned around and ran away, wiping her tears. But for what she cried, she wasn’t sure anymore. The guild was back together, even Natsu was there, but was it worth anything? What would come next?  
The tomorrow she had feared had turned to be the happiest, but the loneliest day of her life, at the same time. This day she discovered that home is not a person or a place, but a feeling you can't get back.  
  
Could love ever be anything else than a mistake?  
Zeref didn’t think of it so often anymore. It had been a hundred years since he tasted the greatest of all curses: love. The pain of immortality was insignificant compared to the pain of love. Back then, when he cradled Mavis’s dead body, he understood that sometimes death is the greatest act of mercy. Mavis, the first master of Fairy Tail, carried the same curse of contradiction: the more you love, the more life you take. Zeref had loved her so much it took away her immortal life, but Mavis couldn't love him enough to take away his. The gods denied him the solace of following Mavis to the grave. The gods denied him the mercy of death and forced him to take it into his own hands. The gods were truly cruel.  
Zeref swung back and forth in the rocking chair, in the room where April used to live, in the backroom of the archive. A dozen books about dragons were piled next to her bed. She had always been fascinated by dragons and used to love the stories Zeref told her about Igneel and the others. But the one in which the dragons killed his entire family, including his dear little brother, she had only heard once, and never wanted to hear it again. It was almost twenty years ago. The little girl had asked if he still remembered what his brother looked like. Of course – he carried brother's photograph in the pendant around his neck so he would never forget. Zeref had shown the picture to her, and she had marvelled at the pink hair of the little boy. The black wizard wondered if she’d remember it now. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she’d think it was just a distant dream.  
He opened the pendant and held it in his fingers. There was a photo of two little boys, one with black hair and one with pink. Even as a child Zeref had been aloof and serious, but Natsu smiled widely like always. How could two brothers be so different, like night and day? But now, as the darkness he had planted into that small, happy boy had begun to sprout, the difference wasn’t that vast anymore.  
”Will we meet again, my brother?” Zeref asked quietly. ”Or will I be killed by your shadow?”  
One thing he had decided for his next life. He would never love again, not even his little brother, for it had been the love for him which had led to this eternal curse. If he hadn’t loved Natsu, he would have buried him, planted the roses and moved on. But no, because he loved him, he wanted to bring him back. _Love is a mistake I shall never repeat_, Zeref had said to April, many years ago. Of everything he had taught to her, that had been the most important lesson. If that innocent girl wouldn’t have to go through the ultimate pain of love, he would call it a victory. Zeref, after all, wanted to save the world. And that pain would definitely shatter her, change her, the same way it had changed Zeref. And that, that would certainly be another threat to humanity.   
Irene had appeared in the room while Zeref gazed at the picture of Natsu.   
”I’ve heard that the man I sent to bring her back has died”, the scarlet-haired woman said. ”As I expected. The only way to get her back is to make her want to come back. Have you got a better idea of how to separate her and your brother?”   
Zeref closed the pendant.   
”You know the wrath she has for me?” he asked, and Irene nodded. ”When she was little, she used to adore me. I took care of her like a proper parent while you were such a tyrant. I was good for her. She didn’t really have a reason to hate me so much she eventually did… and I’ve started to think that maybe she loved me, but turned that love into hate, so it would be easier to let me go.”  
Irene frowned. She had forgotten the whole concept of love a long time ago. She was lucky.  
”What sense does that make?”  
”I’ve waited to die for centuries, and she knows that. And she has a role to play in my death when it finally comes. But knowing that sometimes death is the greatest act of mercy doesn’t erase the pain of losing the one you love. So she buried her love so deep in artificial hate she’d be able to let me go. She learnt my lesson. She’d bury me, plant the roses and move on. She’d avoid my fate. But...”   
”You mean to dig up that love and use it to get her back? To make her sympathise for you again, to help you reach your goal?”  
”It’s too late to get her to sympathise me”, Zeref told. ”But Natsu, she might. In this world, she’ll eventually lose him, no matter what she’d do… It's fated. But if I tell her that the happy Natsu would be revived in the brave new world I’m going to create, I think she might fall back on our side. And the victory would be easy for us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter without Natsu's or Haru's point of view. I'll get back to them in the next chapter, but this part I wanted to tell from Lucy's perspective. This was Lucy's moment after all. During this year, Lucy has been going through a lot and is forced to meet her own shadow, too. The "shadow" here is a reference to Carl Jung's shadow theory of the unconscious mind, and it's linked to the darkness mentioned earlier in the fic.  
Somehow I feel like Lucy's story is standing still. But she's going through the cycle of grief, in her own way. She's slowly coming to terms with the new reality, which maybe isn't as bad as it seems. In this chapter, Natsu smiled in a new way, showed general signs of some goodness remaining in him, and Lucy just has to explore the real Natsu. She just has to let go of the old, false images of him.
> 
> I'm coming to the point where my story reaches canon events, and I'm going to do a lot differently. I was overall disappointed by the final series of Fairy Tail, though it had some interesting points I used to create my own story. I'll cut out a lot because covering the entire Alvarez war arc with a million side characters isn't what I want to do. I'm focusing on my point of view characters: Natsu, Haru, Lucy and Zeref.  
The second big breaking point is coming soon, so stay tuned, thanks for reading!


	17. WINGS OF LIGHT

_”In many ways I'm the burden that divides us from the light_  
_In many ways you're the halo that keeps my spirit alive.”_  
In Flames – The Chosen Pessimist

As Haru had expected, she felt invisible.   
The blue cat had poked her cheeks a few times, to check if she was real, but no-one else paid any attention to her. Haru faded to the background instead of trying to interact. She stood in the empty corner of the crater, observing the situation from afar. Everyone’s minds fixated on the dragonslayer’s return and had no room for her. People discerned her, but their gazes travelled right through her like she was a cloud of mist. Due to her terrible upbringing, she had learnt how to fade away and hide when needed, and she had unconsciously kept up the habit. The lack of presence and magical aura combined with her quiet, withdrawn personality created an illusion of invisibility. She was there but watched the events behind a glass wall. Loneliness was such a paradox – the more people you had around, the more alone you felt.   
Natsu was the one who reached into her glass prison, reminding she was still there and real. At regular intervals, his eyes searched for her from the background._ Hello and how are you_, he asked from someone and glanced at her again, seeking some comfort. It wasn’t easy for him to talk to his comrades again. He had feared this moment, after all, and that fear had been the topic of their earliest discussions. People approached him cautiously, but with a certain curiosity, as if they dreaded their changed comrade. To her, this was how he had always been. This wasn't even the worst of him. They hadn't seen his apoplectic rage, endless rivers of tears, or the way he woke up from a nightmare, screaming. Now she understood why he had created the happy mask, and why its weight had grown overwhelming. Haru answered his gaze with a look which said _it's alright, you're doing great_, but the solace ran short. It was agonising for him to see the fear in their eyes, especially in the eyes of a certain celestial spirit wizard.   
This morning Natsu said that he really wanted to apologise to Lucy and explain everything. It was easy to see his frustration when she turned around and ran away. Ever since that conversation in the empty bathtub, Haru had wondered what Natsu had meant. _She wouldn’t love the monster I truly am, she isn’t like you_, he had said. Now she got it. Natsu's darkness scared Lucy away, but to Haru, it was the bridge which connected them. She wasn't afraid of his monsters because she knew how to tame them. And compared to Mother, Natsu was an easy one.  
Something scarlet flashed near Natsu, catching Haru’s attention. The crowd dispersed and then she saw it fully – an exact copy of Mother in her youth. Haru’s eyes widened and the sight tied her soul into a knot. The young, scarlet-haired woman in armour chatted with Natsu, and suddenly everything became clear. Natsu had deemed her sister was still alive because she _was_. Speechless, Haru stared at the woman, reviving something which had been missing for her entire life. The woman couldn't be anyone else but Erza. _She reminds me of you sometimes_, Natsu had said. But even as twins, they looked so different, like night and day. Mother had told that she resembled her _hideous_ father for her _hideous_ dark brown curls, but Erza had clearly inherited her mother’s features. Haru forgot to breathe while she stared at her, in utter loss of words.   
Instantly, Haru decided she wouldn't tell her, ever. Mother had abandoned the firstborn twin anonymously into a small village right after birth, so she probably had no idea about her true heritage. And it was for the best - in cases like this, ignorance was bliss. She didn’t need to know, but for Haru it meant a lot to know she lived. She had absorbed all the darkness into herself to keep her sister safe. Erza was alive and well, looking strong: maybe her sacrifice hadn’t been for nothing.  
Natsu came to her while she was still perplexing over her lost sister. The blue Exceed flew right beside him, appearing delighted. Natsu, however, seemed more serious and aloof. Haru's head became light from the lack of proper breathing, so she tried to focus on them instead.   
”Erza will be the temporary guild master until we find out what happened to Gramps”, Natsu told casually. ”We’ll start rebuilding the guildhall tomorrow. I don't want to tell them yet.”  
”What do you have to say? That you’re dating?” Happy asked, grinning widely. Natsu crossed his arms on his chest as his cheeks changed colour from pale to pink.   
”Shut up, Happy! Nothing like that”, the dragonslayer exclaimed in embarrassment. ”Come with us and we’ll tell you. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s good mood.”  
”So you certainly are -”  
”No! It’s about Gramps, and how I got my scarf back.”  
The Exceed silenced and got serious. Haru hadn’t even got to say anything from those two. She blinked her eyes in confusion. What had Happy meant? That they were outdated or on the wrong date?  
”I think we’re ready to leave”, Natsu told, even though they hadn’t been there more than half an hour. ”The one who invited me here already left, so...”  
”What, did Lucy leave?” the cat wondered aloud, gazing around.  
”Looks like it. But come, Happy, and we’ll tell you everything. But only to you. You keep your mouth shut until -”  
”There’s no denying anymore, you’re totally hitting it -”  
_So dating in this context means hitting it and hitting it means having a sexual courtship,_ Haru thought, chuckling at herself. How did the Exceed get that kind of impression from them? The dragonslayer lost his patience and raised his voice.  
”For fuck’s sake, how bad is your memory? It’s about the scarf. SCARF!”  
”But you kept looking at her every five seconds -”  
”SHUT - UP!”  
His shout turned heads, and both of them silenced when everyone stared at them. All this time, it had been just her and Natsu, and now this blue cat would make things interesting. Comedic, at least for the way he perceived them as intimate partners, even though they were just friends. Indeed, they had been living in their little bubble for the last two months and formed a close friendship during that time. But friendship was another unexplored subject for Haru. She had never really known it would be this deep. Some little details, like the way Natsu’s words didn’t match his face or how his hand reached to hold hers, sunk down into the vast ocean of emotions she had never sailed before.   
As they turned away to take their leave, she stole one last glance of the scarlet-haired woman. Erza looked into their direction, even at Haru, but like everyone else’s, her gaze went right through her, too.

Natsu’s house was located outside Magnolia. Even as a child, he had caused a lot of destruction during his training, so the townspeople gladly arranged him a house far away from their backyards. Magnolia was a beautiful town, indeed - too beautiful to be burned down every two weeks. Cobbled stones covered each street, and the trees would look wonderful when they’d bloom again after the winter. The snow hadn’t fallen yet, but soon it would. The air was cold and crispy, indicating an upcoming snowfall.   
While they walked through the streets, Happy asked a myriad of questions from Haru, so many that Natsu had already lost track. Haru had looked so lonely and lost that Natsu was so glad to see Happy talking to her. But in fact, those questions were totally pointless, so he withdrew into his own thoughts. Right now, Lucy’s face occupied his head. Natsu was prepared for a much more violent reaction, but to his surprise, he got an icy cold welcoming. At least Happy had welcomed him with open arms, but still, seeing Lucy’s heart breaking into a thousand little shards hurt him. And it felt wrong to feel hurt by those shards when he had been the one behind the shattering.  
”Haru, that was your name, right?” the blue cat asked. ”If you were an animal which animal would you be?”   
”I think I’d be a butterfly", Haru answered after quick thinking.  
Suddenly, Natsu's attention focused fully on their discussion. Her words generated a tiny electric shock in his brain, and the current ran down his spine. Natsu turned his face towards the girl as the memory of the black moth crushed back. She seemed fully oblivious as if she had forgotten it. Goosebumps rose on Natsu’s skin, but he didn't comment anything, just listened carefully.  
”Why a butterfly? Wouldn't Natsu's fire burn your wings? I’d be a fish! Fishes can’t burn because they're under the water." It sounded utterly ironic, because Happy was, in fact, an animal already. And he loved to eat the fish.  
”Don’t underestimate butterflies”, Haru told. ”They seem small, fragile and innocent, but sometimes a single flutter of its wing is enough to cause a storm someplace else, far away. Something so small can create a very different outcome.”  
Natsu stared at her, lost in confusion. Haru's eyes met with his briefly, and she gave him a quick, mysterious smile. She had truly been reading his mind, all this time, like an open book. But surprisingly, Natsu didn't find it so creepy. He found it oddly consoling.   
”But would you be a fire-resistant butterfly, because you are with Natsu?” Happy asked her.  
”Maybe.”  
”So, Natsu, even she admitted it.”  
The dragonslayer frowned. He had grown tired of Happy’s endless teasing and decided he wouldn’t feed the troll anymore. The cat would turn his every word into something awkward, so it was better not to say anything at all. He drifted back into his thoughts and let them talk about those weird things on their own. But instead of Lucy’s fearful eyes, he pictured the shadow of the black moth. Maybe Haru _had_ created that butterfly, after all. Maybe she had sent it into his mind to wake him up from the nightmare. Even back then, when they didn’t even know each other, she didn’t want to see him crying. And he had thought she was an assassin sent to murder him. How wrong he had been.  
The street ended where the forest began, and a small, overgrown path led them into his house. Natsu didn’t like that path. For the last years, he had only treaded it when Lucy kicked him out from her apartment. Going home didn’t excite him at all. Actually, he didn’t really have a place to call home except for the guildhall - and only a crater remained from it. This horrible little shack was just a shelter, not a home. Maybe he would feel a little better after the rebuild, but now, he felt like shit. Haru and Happy were still talking, but about what, Natsu didn’t hear. He walked ahead of them, clearing the path from most spider’s webs and wild plants.   
And then there was a stone house, covered in moss and deceased vegetation. An abandoned, run-down building with no life inside, alone in the middle of the forest. A sign reading _Natsu & Happy_ stood in front of it. But they hadn’t truly lived there in years. During the seven years he had spent inside Fairy Sphere, the house had become almost unliveable.  
”I'll warn you, this place is a mess”, Natsu told the girl behind him. ”But we can make it liveable… maybe.”  
She smiled a bit. ”We’ve seen worse.”  
”Anyway, welcome home”, he announced and opened the door. As he had expected, the familiar place failed to feel like home. The tree growing through the floor made a unique element to the house, but it wasn’t in as bad shape as Natsu had remembered. A fair layer of dust covered each nook, but the dirty dishes and endless amount of clutter were absent. The windows were so dirty that barely any light got in so for the first thing he lit up the candles of the chandelier.   
”Lucy cleaned this place up once” Happy told and flew into the hammock, which hung from the tree. ”And we haven’t really been here after that.”  
”It’s cosy”, she said, stepping in.   
The house had only one room with a separate lavatory but contained everything one needed to survive. There was a cooking nook, a table and two blue couches, a hammock replacing a proper bed and a few drawers for his stuff. In ancient legends, dragons were known as hoarders, collecting all kinds of sentimental junk into their nests. One wall was covered with flyers of jobs Natsu had done, and next to them was a drawer for all kinds of items he had collected. In his youth, Natsu had wanted to be more like a dragon, and this place had become a lair for all his mementoes. And that's all it was - a lair for memories, nothing else.   
Haru sat down on a couch, creating a cloud of dust. Natsu laid his stuff on the floor but didn't take his coat off. The place was deadly cold. Gladly there was still some wood left, and Natsu started to work with the fire. He piled up the deadwood into the fireplace and lit them on fire in less than a minute, and the house began to warm up.   
”So, about the scarf! How did you get it, Natsu? Did you already kill Acnologia?” Happy asked from the hammock, swinging back and forth.   
”No, I got it from her", he said and sat down on the second couch. Another cloud of dust puffed into the air, making him cough. Happy stared at him with wide, blank eyes.   
”Makarov gave it to me”, Haru joined the conversation. ”He told me to find Natsu and warn about an upcoming war. It’s about Zeref. He wants the secret weapon of Fairy Tail, and we must prevent him from getting it.”  
Steam rose from Happy’s ears and he continued to stare at them without uttering a single word. All this was too much for the poor Exceed's brain.   
”And, there are signs of the black dragon Acnologia joining the war", she continued. "The dragon’s motives are unknown, but it’s said that Acnologia is drawn to places where there’s a lot of destruction, darkness and death. In times dark enough, the dragon will flip into the mode of the apocalypse, ending the world as we know it.”  
Happy fell from the hammock and lied motionless on the cold, dusty floor. He had expected some brighter news.  
"And I thought good times were finally here!" the cat exclaimed, out from his wits. ”But Natsu will save us, right? That’s why Gramps wanted you to bring him back?”  
”Happy, do you remember the Eclipse catastrophe?" Natsu asked. "None of us dragonslayers was able to take down a dragon. It was pure luck we survived. I can handle Zeref with the remains of Igneel's power, but Acnologia is on a different level.”  
The little hope which had lit in Happy's eyes disappeared.  
"Are we all going to die, right after we got the family back together?" the cat asked, nearly sobbing. Haru went to pick him up from the floor and held him in her arms. A few tears rolled down from Happy's eyes.  
"There is a way to defeat Acnologia, trust me", Haru said and looked over Happy's head into Natsu's eyes.   
”Okay”, Happy sighed. ”I won’t tell anyone anything. But I have to go check on Lucy.”  
Haru let Happy go, and it looked like her embrace had calmed him down. If she could calm down the dragonslayer, calming an anxious Exceed was an easy task for her.  
"Yeah, go check on her", Natsu encouraged. Happy flew to him, to give him one last hug.  
”It's really good to have you back, Natsu. And you too should talk to her soon. Lucy has been really, really worried about you.”  
Natsu patted the cat's back. After today, talking to Lucy wasn't the first thing on this mind, but he knew he'd have to do it, sooner or later.  
"I will. See you tomorrow, Happy."  
Happy smiled and flew to the door. 

The atmosphere changed the instant Happy closed the door. After two months of being solely together, having someone else in their bubble felt almost intrusive. Even though it had been his best friend, Natsu felt nearly relieved when the Exceed left. He no longer had to watch out for his words, and he could be perfectly himself.  
”So… we made it”, Natsu sighed and lied down on his back. ”And I feel kind of numb.”  
Haru sat down to the other couch and wiped the dust from the pillows. ”Seeing Lucy surely made you feel something.”  
”Seeing her run away crying maybe did”, he fixed. ”Such a warm welcoming. She’s pissed. Remember when I said was afraid to go home, because they'd hate me now? I was right.”  
”Happy was happy to see you”, she mentioned.  
”Happy is a cat and a male, a combination of two of the simplest things in the world. Of course he was happy to see me. He can't hold a grudge. But Lucy is a woman, complicated as hell, and hates my guts now."  
She smiled melancholically.   
"You really should talk to her", she told. "You both need it."  
Pouting, Natsu didn't say a thing. His thoughts trailed into another complicated woman. He had pondered over the feeling of familiarity this whole time, and now the pieces of the puzzle were falling into a place. He didn't want to talk about it in Happy's presence, but could mention it now.  
"You hated the colour of scarlet, was it?" Natsu asked her. When they had been shopping for new clothes for her, Natsu had shown her a bright red dress, saying it would suit her. She had turned it down in an instant, saying that she hated scarlet. It had been the colour of her mother's hair.   
"Yeah. It reminds me of my mother", she answered, confirming his doubts.  
"Erza's your lost twin, isn't she?"   
Natsu could read from her reaction that she already knew. ”How did you figure out?”  
”You have similar smells. I had forgotten what she smelled like, so I couldn’t recall why you felt so familiar. And you look totally different. But I realised it today.”  
Upon that realisation, the world seemed so much smaller. Erza had been one of his closest friends since he joined the guild, but he had never thought she'd have a sister. And how close he would grow with that sister.   
”Yeah, for a second I thought my mother had drunk a youth potion and joined Fairy Tail”, she chuckled. ”I have my father's hair, but my aunt's facial features. That's what mother told me, but I've never even seen a picture of my father or his sister, so I can't be sure.”  
”Wonder where you got your smallness", Natsu pondered. He knew nothing of genetics.  
”You’re comparing my breasts to Erza’s, aren’t you?”  
And again, the conversation slipped into this side, unintentionally. He had meant her petite shape, but there was no arguing she was rather flat from the chest. But it didn't matter to him at all. There were too many times when he had been almost suffocated by Lucy's or Erza's oversized boobs.   
”Well, actually, yes", he said and grinned. The damage was already done.   
Haru frowned. ”You said you don’t like to look at girls like that.”  
”Let’s say that I _observed_ them.”  
”Jackass, that’s even worse.”  
"Well, sorry, can't help having eyes in my head."  
She threw a pillow at him, and then another one. He shielded his face with his arms, laughing.   
”Okay, okay, sorry, I take that back”, he giggled and picked up the pillows and threw them back at her. ”I was just wondering why you are short while Erza is almost as tall as I am. Not that I’m very tall, but anyway.”  
”I don’t know”, she answered, still smiling. ”It might have something to do with my magic, and the lacrima planted in me. Zeref had to do all kinds of experiments on me while I was little, and maybe that affected my growth.”  
”Makes sense. Before you told me your age, I thought you were fifteen or something", Natsu said. Lately, as she had gained back the weight she had lost, she had become softer and healthier but remained small. Especially her round cheeks made her look young, even younger than Erza. Erza, too, had spent seven years inside Fairy Sphere, in a frozen state not ageing up, but still looked older than her twin.   
”I remember", she answered. "You dropped your chin when I told you I was 27, not fifteen."  
”Yeah, instantly lost interest.”  
”Oh, you had this thing for girls under the age of consent?” she grinned. ”You’re lucky I _only_ look like fifteen.”  
”Or _do_ you, jailbait? _'But she said she was 27!_'”  
Haru cracked up, and he looked at her with a half-smile. Somehow they had managed to turn the thing which had haunted him for years into an inside joke. Technically, his sexual experiment with Lisanna hadn't been just miserable, but also illegal. She had been under sixteen, the age of consent, while Natsu had certainly been over it. And so, the joke of Natsu and jailbaits was born. Natsu had never expected that Haru would have such a messed up sense of humour.  
”Jokes aside”, she started, trying to stop laughing. ”Talking about my body and magic, I've been thinking about the future. You know, I need the vision to keep me going. As a child, I used to dream about a new life in the new world Zeref was going to create. I dreamt about normal life. Being happy, starting a family, living happily ever after. That was so naive. I don't believe I'll ever have that kind of life.”  
She hugged the pillow in her arms and her voice died down. The future was important to her - it was where she lived for most of the time, in goals and dreams for tomorrow. Though Natsu adored that feature in her, the dark clouds looming in the distance worried him, too.  
”What do you mean?” Natsu asked.   
”The lacrima has probably altered my growth and prevented me from becoming fully mature. It keeps me in this half-adult, half-child stage. If I stay like this, I have to bury the dream of having a family. Not that it has ever been the first thing on my list, but anyway. Maybe it’s a good thing, intended even. Zeref might have made me infertile for a purpose, so my possible children wouldn't inherit my magic. And I agree with that. It would be selfish to burden them with this.”  
Haru had never spoken about that dream before. Natsu had only said that he'd be a horrible father, and maybe that surfaced the thought in her mind. She looked sorrowful talking about that.  
”You sound disappointed", he said.  
”But having kids is a part of normal life, right?”  
”Hey, people like you and me, we’ll never have a normal life", Natsu told. "And normal is boring. How do you have fun adventures with a kid? You don’t. But you liked cats, right? Have a cat instead.”  
She smiled a little, but the sorrow stayed in her eyes.   
”Well, when you put it that way, a cat sounds like a better choice", she answered, trying to cheer herself up. "I'd like to have a white cat."  
”Then let’s find you a cat when this is over.”  
Finding a cure for her magic was such an abstract thing to grasp on, so maybe something real would help her feel better, and more connected with the future. To her, it still seemed there wouldn't be life after this war. Natsu wanted to prove her wrong. He was certain they would survive, and the life would go on. He didn't want to let Zeref win.   
”Yeah, a cat who doesn’t talk", Haru said, smiling.  
Natsu chuckled. ”I understand totally.”  
  
Natsu noticed that the fire had gone out, so he went to add more wood into the fireplace. It would take several hours until the house would be fully warmed up, but it would be liveable eventually. Now it was warm enough to take the coat off.   
”What do you want to do after all this?” Haru asked from the couch, still hugging that green pillow.  
”I haven’t thought about it much”, he said quietly and watched how the fire danced, ate up the deadwood. ”Have you decided will you join the guild? Seeing them didn’t scare you away?”  
”They’re a bit noisy, but I think I’ll get used to it.”  
Natsu glanced at her over his shoulder, then he turned his eyes back to the fire. He placed his cold hands into the flames and let the fire kiss his skin, with a heat which would burn anyone else. Anyone else but him, and her. Happy hadn't known that she already was resistant to his fire. And even if she wasn't, Natsu wouldn't let a single flame touch her even if he'd set the whole world on fire.  
”Then I think we’re going to have many fun adventures", the dragonslayer said, smiling at the fire. He was happy to know she would stay.  
”That’s what the guild was about? An eternal adventure”, she said. ”But… there’s one more thing I wish to see.”  
Natsu let the fire be and walked to the couch, and sat down next to her.   
”What is it?” he asked.  
”I’d like to see the happy Natsu.”  
Natsu blinked his eyes, not sure what to say. She didn't mean the happy mask, but true happiness. The one he had lost when Lisanna died.   
”Happy me? But I am -”  
”No, you’re not. The darkness is still there, isn’t it?”  
Natsu looked down and answered with an admitting silence. It was true.   
”I've been thinking about it lately", Haru started. "All of us carry light and darkness inside us by nature. Darkness is a part of who we are. We don’t become enlighted by focusing on the light, but making the shadows conscious. Fighting against it is futile.”  
Natsu didn't understand. ”But if I stop fighting, the darkness wins? You said there’s no turning back after that."  
”The thing is, light cannot exist without the shadows, but sometimes the balance is disturbed. The night, the true dark will come for all of us at some point in our lives. But I’ve come to understand that our shadow is our best teacher. It tells us exactly what we need, so we should hear what it has to say instead of pushing it away."  
In some way, Natsu was so proud of her. She had come so far from the way she had been. She had learned from the darkness at the same time it had been eating him up inside. His moments of light were fully linked to her. When she was gone, the darkness crept back. Even though he couldn't feel her presence, his demons surely felt it - and feared it.  
"But my shadow wants me dead", Natsu told quietly.   
"I think your shadow is telling you that something in you has to die if you want to survive", she answered. "Remember that black moth? It was created by your shadow."  
_My shadow? _Natsu's head weighed a ton. Destroying the happy mask hadn't been enough, there was something else in him which had to die. Something terrifying.  
"What did your shadow tell you?" Natsu asked her.   
"That there isn't a single person who can bear solitude."  
"But Gramps told you that, didn't he?"  
"Yes, but that's what my shadow had tried to tell me all along. And I didn't realise it until I found you. Until I wasn't alone anymore."  
Natsu smiled shyly. It was absurd how the loneliest people would befriend anyone, even the devil, for anything was better than being completely alone. He didn't know what to say. The lights of the candles danced on her face, and he watched them dancing in silence.  
"If you are going to survive this, you too have to meet your shadow, Natsu", Haru said. "Darkness is something we all must face, embrace and pass through in order to reach our full potential. Before we meet and merge with our shadow we’re only living half of our being.”  
_Meet and merge._ Natsu lifted his eyes into hers as if asking for help.  
”Haru...” he started quietly, ”would you be there, no matter what kind of demons I’d find in the shadows? You wouldn’t be afraid, even when I am?”  
”As long as you are there every morning when I wake up.”  
In moments like this when she fell silent and smiled, Natsu was sure there was the moon behind her eyes, softly reflecting the light of the sun. Natsu’s mind was still, clear and in peace. She shone the light into his darkness, a halo of hope reaching into something he’d believed to be long gone. Like a bioluminescent moth, flying in the deepest night casting her own light, despite all the dark around her. _My butterfly made from moonlight_, he though. _No fire could burn those wings of pure light. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This author note is going to be long as hell, but I've got a few things I have to say.  
First, my exams are over! I can fully focus on writing this now.  
Second, Haru was using Aleah Starbridge's quote: ”I think as human beings we by nature carry both light and darkness within us, but perhaps the difference between myself and some authors in this genre is that I don’t see this pain, suffering and darkness as something to revel in, worship, or aim for in itself. I see it more as a passage, a part of ourselves that we must all face, embrace, integrate and pass through in order to reach our full potential as individuals. Before we meet and merge with this inner darkness we are only living in half of our being.”  
Then I'll have to comment on the dynamics between those two. I've just realised that I've created a some sort of beauty and the beast syndrome for them. Natsu struggles with his inner demon while she's there to help him, but she has to be wary of being burned down with him. In the first draft, Haru was the edgy, whiny, teen-angsty bastard ruining Natsu's life, but in this second draft, their dynamic is completely different and more balanced. But still, a relationship where both parts are in deep shit usually doesn't end up too well. We have to be healthy in order to be able to maintain a healthy relationship.


	18. WINGS OF DARKNESS

_”To carry the weight of devil's wings_  
_Is less than what I carry inside_  
_When everything vanishes around you_  
_And slowly slips through your fingers_  
_And all you have left is pain_  
_Would you do it again? _  
And remain the same?”  
Swallow the Sun – Rooms and Shadows

The day was done sooner than they realised, as the evening passed by cleaning up his house. When the place was in acceptable condition, they scraped a dinner from instant noodles, peanuts and green tea, the only things Natsu had in the cabinets. The hour was too late for grocery shopping, that could be done tomorrow. The noodles sufficed just enough. There had been a time when they didn’t have anything else to eat but snow. It really helped to put things into a perspective.  
The lights of Magnolia twinkled in the distance as Natsu stared out from the window, freshly wiped clean from dust and dirt. He had moved the dinner table next to the window as it had been at the hunting cabin. The memories from that time were scarce, but he remembered sitting in front of the window, gazing into the distant horizon, just as silent as now. The teacup steamed in his hands, smelling bitter like green tea always did. Natsu still hadn’t learned that the water shouldn’t be boiling hot or the tea would go bitter. He wished the shitty tea would turn into an ale so it would blur his conflicted thoughts, but it didn't.  
_ Before we meet and merge with our shadow we’re only living half of our being._  
Haru sat on the couch having some quiet time, reading a book and drinking the tea. Her words were the reason behind Natsu's silence. All this time, he had been fighting the dark, trying to chase it all away, but one couldn't separate himself from his shadow. The more he struggled, the deeper he fell, but he had never thought of surrender as an option. He never thought he could _accept_ the darkness as a part of himself and live with it. His shadow was just too dark to live with, it blackened the world, blackened the sun. Even in his darkest hour, he would have jumped from the cliff before raising a white flag and accepting defeat in front of the night. But in fact, that would have been a greater defeat.   
The black moth had shown him the canyon in daylight, so he would start to fear death again, and move forward into the future. Killing his old self wasn't enough, there was something horribly wrong with this current self, too. Even though two months had passed, the future seemed pitch black like an endless night. He didn't want to die, not anymore, hadn't wanted in a long time because of her, but he still had this unsettling cold feeling inside of him. Her warmth made him forget it for a while, but even she couldn't make it disappear. If she was a butterfly, he was a dragon with black wings turned to wax. How could he fly through the night with these crippled, tired wings?  
Natsu closed the curtains, leaned into his hands and gazed at the girl. She was wearing the grey nightdress and had tied her hair on a bun. He loved the way she got absorbed into the books so intensively that she completely neglected the environment. The paper rattled at regular intervals, and Natsu had grown fond of that sound. It made him feel like home.   
”I can sleep on the couch”, Haru said suddenly, probably feeling Natsu's gaze on her. She had already finished the tea. ”The hammock is yours.”  
The dragonslayer rolled his eyes. ”We are so not having this conversation anymore.”  
”Well, you don’t even have a bed here, so -”  
”I’ll make one”, he replied. ”You know I can’t sleep alone.”  
Natsu laid his teacup on the table and turned the sofa Haru was sitting on against the other one, creating a small nest they could sleep in. He didn’t need to touch her necessarily, but he simply couldn’t fall asleep if she wasn’t within an arm’s reach. Without her, the frigid feeling of loneliness crept back to his bones and kept him awake the whole night.  
”It’s probably because your amygdala is overwhelmed by all the shit you’ve been through”, Haru told him and laid her book down. ”It’s a part of your brain which has a key role in memory-linked emotions, such as fear, anxiety and aggression. But being close to someone releases a hormone called oxytocin in your brain, and that lessens the activity of the amygdala, making you calmer.”  
The dragonslayer knit his brows and threw pillows and blankets to her.  
”Didn’t get any of that, but cool”, Natsu answered and leapt into the nest. The two couches made a comfortable, little bed when put against each other like this. He liked it.  
”Well, in your language it means that hugging tells your anxious brain to shut the fuck up", the girl clarified.  
Now he understood. She always had a scientific explanation for everything, even to things which shouldn’t be explained with science only. Especially this. Natsu preferred the hands-on way. He switched his place next to her.  
”In that case, I could use a hug right now. My brain needs to shut the fuck up.”  
He didn't need to ask twice. She leaned on him, laid her head on his chest and asked: ”What is it?”  
And again, the demons silenced from her touch. Maybe it was the brain thing she had explained, which he had already forgotten. Natsu played with the one lock of her hair which had escaped from the bun, gathering strength for a moment.  
”Am I really that bad?” he asked.   
”What do you mean?”  
”Am I as bad as they think I am? As frightening? As monstrous?”   
”Not to me."  
The little relief she managed to give him ran short.   
”But even Lucy fears me now", Natsu said. "She has seen me overdoing shit before, but now, even she’s scared.”  
"It's because you're scared, too. They can sense it. What do you fear the most?"  
”Losing control”, he answered quietly. ”I guess. Becoming too powerful. It's ironic. The deeper I fall, the stronger I get. I fear that at one point I’ll...”  
"Hurt someone?"  
Natsu didn't mean _someone, _but a _certain_ someone.  
”Yeah, like those guys at the inn. I just… flip. I lose it. Everything turns red. Back then I woke up to the sound of the guy’s bones cracking. I fear what happens when I don’t. When I can't stop."  
"Then I'll stop you."  
Natsu smiled a bit.   
"A shrimp taming an angry dragon", he smirked. "Is there a story about that already?"  
"Probably."  
There was more he had to say. The words were right on his tongue, stinging as he tried to speak them. He kept playing with her hair, wrapping it around his finger and releasing it again and again.  
"Remember when I told you about the nightmare I had? Where a demon took over me?" Natsu asked after a little silence.   
"Yeah, I remember. You still seeing that?"  
"Not often, but one version of it freaking haunts me. The one in which I hurt you. The one in which I find you dead in my arms."  
Natsu had never told her about that dream, but it was possible she already knew somehow. It wouldn't surprise him if she could see his dreams, too. At least her reaction was calm as if she had been expecting to hear it, even though the dream had been everything but calm. It had been horrible. Bloody. Violent. Brutal. Everything he hated and despised.  
"Am I really that bad?" he asked again. "Capable of doing that?"  
"It wouldn't change anything even if you were", she answered. "Death has never been one of my fears."  
It sounded so twisted, yet so consoling at the same time. Sometimes Natsu forgot the order she had given him: the order to strike that dagger through her heart if the lacrima ever broke. Each passing day drew him further away from that scenario, and by now he was sure he would plunge it into his own heart before hers. He had decided to never again stain his hands with her blood, no matter what would happen.  
"Back then I said that I'm not that which I fight, but what if I am?" Natsu asked. His body trembled, but his voice was steady and serious. He hadn't forgotten that day, and never would. He had been on his knees, begging her to stay, screaming_ I'm not that, I'm not that -_ he had feared she _would_ leave if he actually _was_. There had been no demons taking over him, there had been only him, and he alone had hurt her. Haru lifted her head from his chest, looking deep into his eyes. A part of her hair was still tied in his fingers.  
"It still wouldn't change anything", she answered. Natsu picked up her hand, turned her palm towards the ceiling and ran his fingers gently on her scars. The sleeve of her grey nightdress covered most of them, but they were a reminder that she had chosen to be saved by his fire. She had _chosen_ to let him in, despite everything he had said and done. She had _chosen_ to stay, even though she had known all along what he was, even though she deserved better. And Natsu so desperately wanted to be better than this.  
"Even if it wouldn't", he started silently, "I won't hurt you, ever again. It's a promise."  
She leaned against him again, not saying anything. Clinging into the warmth of her body, Natsu tried to gather enough hope to be able to trust in his own words.  
  
It was amazing how fast a bunch of skilled mages could raise a guildhall from ruins.  
They arrived at the worksite early in the noon. The crater was already filled and the foundation had been formed. Like yesterday, Haru felt like a ghost in Natsu’s shadow. How could these people become her guildmates if they barely noticed her? Would she be the invisible part of the family? Haru looked at Natsu: he had dressed into his old clothes, probably to soften the contrast between his current state and former self, but failed miserably. His long, one-sleeved overcoat exposed his right, thin arm, and those white trousers hung loosely on his body. The fear in his comrades' eyes was now accompanied with a hint of pity – and she knew Natsu hated it even more than their fear.  
They stopped at the edge of the construction, wondering for a moment what to do. At this rate, the guildhall would be up and running soon. Natsu stared at the building from afar, hesitating. He was known for his excellent skill in destroying things, not building them - and it made his presence here obsolete. Haru noticed a young, raven-haired man making moulds from ice, and not wearing any clothes at all.   
”Natsu, why is that guy butt naked?” she asked quietly and a little embarrassed as she saw something she didn't really want to see.   
”That’s our Gray”, Natsu answered and grinned. ”Hey Gray! Your clothes!”  
The man's eyes widened and he shrieked at his nakedness. Haru giggled at the guy’s terror and desperate attempts to cover his private parts with anything he had nearby. A block of transparent ice wasn't helpful at all.  
”Gray has this stripping problem, you see”, the dragonslayer educated her. ”You’ll get used to it.”  
Before Haru managed to answer, a blue-haired woman approached her with a fierce rage in her eyes. Haru stepped closer to Natsu to seek some shelter.  
”You stared at Gray-sama’s prick! You’re a new love rival to Juvia!” the woman exclaimed. If looks could kill, Haru would have died. So much for invisibility. Haru had absolutely no idea what the hell her problem was.  
”I-I didn’t”, she stuttered but understood that she actually _did_ look at it, not that she wanted to. ”Love rival? What do you -”  
”Gray-sama belongs to Juvia! Keep away from him!”  
”But I -”  
Natsu extended his arm in front of Haru to shield her from the angry, blue-haired woman. ”Juvia, calm down, she’s with me.”  
”Oh”, Juvia sighed, gazing at them with widened eyes and flushed cheeks. ”Sorry, sorry. Love rival cancelled. But… But that means that Lucy has become a love rival again!”  
Juvia turned away from them and went to help Gray with finding his clothes. The murderous aura had disappeared, and Haru was safe again, but utterly confused and speechless from this weirdness.  
”You’ll get used to that, too”, Natsu told her quietly. ”Juvia and Gray are… a thing, it seems.”  
”But she wanted to kill me.”  
”She thinks every woman is trying to steal Gray from him. She won’t harass you if she_ thinks_ you’re with me.”  
Haru didn’t fully understand what he meant, but it had worked. She continued scanning the environment and the people. She failed to recognise anyone from the descriptions Natsu had given her, and everything seemed chaotic and mad. Alas, the blue Exceed she had relatively liked was missing. Suddenly, she felt a sudden urge to grab Natsu’s hand and run back to his place.   
”Let’s go ask if we can do something to help”, the dragonslayer told her, but she barely heard. Her legs froze and refused to move. The big, white-haired man carried a log on his shoulder, and it accidentally hit someone else. In a matter of a few seconds, the situation escalated into a full-blown brawl. Natsu’s eyes sparkled when he noticed the riot, but Haru grabbed his wrist and stopped him from joining the chaos. All the racket reverberated in the air, becoming a deafening mass of noise which crushed her into its fist. Somehow, she felt guilt for not being happy to be here. This place, these people, all this uproar was Natsu’s home, after all, but she didn’t want to let go of his hand and let him disappear into the chaos. In this new, strange situation, Natsu was her only shelter.   
Then someone’s commanding voice rose over all the noise.  
”BACK. TO. WORK!” the scarlet-haired woman yelled from the middle of the chaos, and everything stopped. Literally everything. No-one dared to even breathe, and even Natsu froze. Haru stared at Erza, who popped out from the crowd in her armour, and the utmost authority which radiated from her was rivalling to her Mother’s. Choosing her as the temporary guild master had been a good choice. She was the only one who could keep the rest of them under control.  
Erza’s head turned towards Haru, the only one who hadn’t frozen under her command. Then her eyes found the white scarf on Natsu’s shoulders, and her expression changed.   
”Natsu!” she shouted. ”Come here. I must talk to you. Everyone else, continue your work.”  
Only a few minutes ago Haru had to pull him back from running into the fight, but now she had to hold him from running away. He trembled helplessly like a child waiting to get punished. Had Happy broken his promise and told them already? Erza didn’t waste time waiting for him – she came to them.  
”I have something to say”, Erza told strictly. ”Come. This is not for everyone’s ears.”  
Erza grabbed him from the collar of his vest and dragged him away, not minding his hopeless wriggling. The sight amused Haru. Even the brave, fearless dragonslayer totally lost his shit under Erza’s authority. Haru still had trouble believing she was her sister - but at the same time, it made perfect sense.   
”You, too”, the warrior woman told her. She didn’t understand why she needed to come but thought it better than being left alone with everyone else. She followed them away from the construction site, to the small, empty square by the lake. A black-haired, tall man stood there gazing into the distant horizon. His bright red, sleeveless and high-collared coat swayed in the light wind. The left side of his face was covered with scars.  
”Who’s this guy?” Natsu asked. He didn’t seem to recognise the man.  
”He’s one of us”, Erza explained. ”We’re trying to find out what happened to our Master. You’re going to explain how you got your scarf back.”  
Natsu finally relaxed when Erza let him go. The stranger’s eyes scanned Haru from head to toes, making her uncomfortable.   
”What’s with her? She isn’t a member”, the man commented.  
”If you want to know what happened to Gramps, you should hear her out", Natsu said. "Who are you anyway?”  
”It’s a long story, but I am a member of Fairy Tail, and my name is Mest”, he said pointing at the insignia on his right shoulder. ”But I’ve been infiltrating the Council for years. You’ve met with me before, but I’ve erased all your memories about me. I’ve already explained everything to Erza, so I’m gonna do this short with you.”  
Natsu blinked at him but didn't argue back. ”Okay. Go ahead.”  
”Many years ago, Makarov sent me into the Council to gather information about the Empire. Last year Makarov disbanded the guild because I found out what the Empire is after - our guild's strongest magic. Makarov left to negotiate for peace and prevent a war. Soon after I told him about my newest discovery: I found intel about the enemy’s secret weapon. Makarov promised to investigate it, but I haven't heard of him since. So how did you get your scarf back? Have you met with Master?”  
”I got it from her", Natsu said and pointed at her.  
Mest looked at her again, with doubt in his eyes. ”And you are…?”  
”I am the weapon Makarov found", she told. Both Mest and Erza fell speechless and awe-struck. Natsu had a little, proud smirk on his face.  
”Y-you? The weapon?” Mest stuttered. ”But how… I can’t sense any magic...”  
”A shield is blocking my magical aura, so it cannot be sensed", she explained.   
”But the Empire was going to use that weapon against us to obtain Fairy Heart -”  
”I know. The Emperor is the black wizard Zeref, and I was his disciple. Do you know what he’s going to do?”  
From the way Mest’s and Erza’s eyes filled with pure fear and shock, Haru understood that they had no idea of the true identity of the Emperor. In the West, Zeref carried a name Spriggan, meaning a dark, deformed fairy. She continued her explanation:  
”Zeref wants to use Fairy Heart to rid himself from the curse of contradiction, and to do that, he'll annihilate the entire time and space. Makarov gave the scarf to me and told me to find Natsu. He's the only one who can possibly defeat Zeref, and prevent the disaster.”  
A lone, big bird flew over them, probably a crane or a swan, heading to the west. Its song echoed upon the water, a song of woe and mourning, the only sound breaking the silence.  
”So it’s even worse than I thought...” Mest sighed then. ”But thank you, for bringing this information to us.”  
”And for bringing Natsu back”, Erza added.  
Haru's gaze followed the bird as it flew into the distance. She didn't know how to answer their thanks - she felt like she should be thanking _them_ for not taking her as an enemy. She was Zeref's disciple, after all.   
”I don’t know what happened to Makarov after he released me, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up", she told. "What we should do now is to prepare for the war. It can begin tomorrow, after a month, or half a year from now. Only one thing is sure: it will happen.”  
Erza nodded to her. ”I shall inform us, and the other guilds immediately. This isn’t something we can do alone."  
”But Erza, I’m not sure if we should tell everyone about Fairy Heart… yet", the black-haired mage said. "As I told you, the knowledge of that magic has passed down from master to master, and stayed as their secret. I wasn't supposed to know about it either. It’s our biggest secret, our trump card, and we can’t afford the information to spread any further.”  
”That would be the smartest.”  
The dragonslayer had been quiet the entire time, but now he stepped in from the background.   
”Killing Zeref will end this whole war before it even starts”, Natsu told. ”During this year, I created a powerful technique from the remains of Igneel’s power, and I should be able to take that motherfucker down with it. He’s our first target.”  
”It’s a big risk”, Erza said. ”But I trust in you, Natsu. And by the way, you aren’t going near the construction site. That’s what I also had to tell you.”  
The dragonslayer had surely seen that coming.  
”And you”, she continued turning towards the girl. ”What’s your name?”  
”Haru”, she answered.   
”Join our guild. In times like this, we need strong mages like you. And we’ll talk more in the future, for sure. You should tell us everything you know about Zeref's empire.”  
Haru smiled. Maybe she would have a place in this guild, after all. Maybe it wouldn't be all racket and uproar.

It took eleven days for the guildhall to be rebuilt.  
Natsu stayed away from the construction site as Erza had ordered. He had been present at the meetings where Haru, Erza and Mest planned their strategy. Haru had told them all about Zeref and his forces, gave her best insight to them and fixed many wrong beliefs. Natsu didn't like those meetings. Not only that they were deathly boring, but that he didn't like the way Mest looked at her in admiration. Natsu wanted to take her back to his house, back to their nest, away from those gazes. Only then he could be at ease.  
Outside those meetings, Natsu didn't really spend time with the others. He had already heard everything they had experienced and learnt during their year away: Gray had learned demon-slaying magic, Gajeel had been working in the council, Carla could change into a human form and what else. For most of the time, Natsu wanted to be alone, or alone with her, as strange as it was for him, and the others were still adjusting into his new self. He had never believed it would be exhausting to be around his guildmates, but now it was. Especially now, at the opening party of the new guildhall.  
Natsu sat in the corner table with Haru by his side. Erza had promised to give an earful to anyone who dared to start a fight in their brand new guildhall, so everything was subjectively quiet and peaceful. The music played, people talked, and Natsu didn’t feel like going to chat with anyone. He sat there in silence, drinking ale and watching the others who dwelled in happiness. Even the threat of an upcoming war couldn’t bring their mood down.   
Haru was going through the old drawings of the guild members. Reedus, the paint mage had put his portfolio for a show, to celebrate the revival of Fairy Tail.   
"What does this mean?" she asked, waking Natsu from his thoughts. "This finger sign."  
She showed him a drawing of young Laxus with his hand lifted up, thumb and index finger pointing towards the sky. It had been Laxus who first invented that sign.  
"It's a message", Natsu explained. "It means that even if we can't see each other, even if there are a thousand miles in between us, we're still a family, and we'll look after each other forever."  
"But how can you look after someone if they're far away?"  
"Well, we keep them safe in our hearts until we meet again. We think of them, we hope the best for them, even if we're apart."  
She smiled and continued going through the drawings until she stopped at one of them. This picture stayed in her hands the longest. Natsu peeked over her shoulder to see it too – it was a drawing of him, Lisanna and Happy, all smiling together. She moved her thumb on the paper, caressing the young Natsu’s cheek.  
”Is this Lisanna?” she asked, and Natsu nodded. ”She was very beautiful.”  
Natsu hadn’t seen a photo of her in years, and he had almost forgotten what she had looked like. Short white hair, wide smile and bright blue eyes he would never see again. But he wasn't sad anymore. _Death is not the opposite of life, death is the opposite of birth. Life is eternal._ That's what Haru had taught her. And now it was time to move on.  
”Do you like my drawings, lady?” Reedus came to ask.   
”You’re very skilled”, Haru answered. ”This one is my favourite.”  
A paper and pen appeared in the mage’s hands, and the artist began to work on with his magic. The dragonslayer wasn’t in a mood for posing for a portrait.  
”What are you doing, Reedus?” Natsu asked grumpily.  
”Capturing moments”, he told. ”When we look at these pictures years from now, they’ll have a lot more value to us. Just like the one she’s currently holding.”  
It took him only a moment to finish the drawing. He showed it to them, and Natsu sighed at the photo of himself pouting like a pissed-off child while Haru looked beautiful like always. But it was amazing how photorealistic drawings Reedus could do. Even her silver necklace was amazingly well detailed.  
”Thank you”, the girl said and gave the portfolio back to the artist. Reedus bowed to them and went to draw Gray and Juvia next.  
”I haven’t seen Lucy since the first meeting”, Haru said then. The party lacked the celestial spirit wizard, indeed. ”Have you talked to her yet?”  
”Not yet”, Natsu grunted.  
”Happy said that she’s not feeling well, that she has flu or something, but I don’t think it’s that.”  
Happy was out there dancing with Carla and Lily. The Exceed spoke to Haru more than to him, and it kind of hurt him – but not enough to give him enough motivation to go and fix it. The silence was kind of intoxicating once you’ve gotten used to it. In fact, Natsu was glad Lucy hadn't been around. It postponed the inevitable.   
”Erza told me they can make me an official member today”, the girl said. ”I’ll go to talk to her soon. Where should I have my guildmark?”  
She looked at his right shoulder, where his red insignia was located.   
”Your ass?” he suggested, grinning.  
”Fuck you, I’m serious. I have no idea where I want it, and with which colour.”  
From the way she smiled Natsu knew she didn't take it too seriously. It would have been fun, though.  
”I’m still voting for your ass.”  
”Jerk. It means a lot to me. It’s a sign for a future I didn’t think I would have.”  
He stopped teasing her. Indeed, Natsu remembered her initial reaction when he had asked her to join. It mattered a lot to him, too. If he hadn’t asked that, they wouldn’t have had that conflict, she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself, and her true magic would have remained forever hidden from him. Even though she hadn’t believed it then, Natsu had always known her heart was in the right place – not meaning the left side of the ribcage. Maybe she had come to understand it too.  
”Do you still feel lonely to be here?” Natsu asked her before she left.  
”A little less every day.”  
He smiled when she rose up and walked through the hall to Erza and Mirajane. As usual, no-one’s eyes turned to look at her, and Natsu found that oddly relieving. There was a thin line between being protective and being possessive, and Natsu wasn't sure which side he was on. He wanted to keep her all for himself. He didn't want anyone to take his light away,  
Full of pride, Natsu watched Mirajane pressing the magic stamp on Haru's left wrist, on top of her scars. She chose the colour of white, making her guildmark almost invisible against her burnt, pale skin. _Would she ever think of her scars as a second change?_ he had thought once. Now she would.   
As invisible as her guildmark was, it made her visible. Fairy Tail was a guild which connected hearts, and as she became a part of that bond, people noticed her differently. When Haru looked at him and smiled, it felt like a fracture of her presence had been released from its chains. She was part of the family now. A part of his family. A lone tear appeared in the corner of his eye.  
After quickly drying his eyes, he saw something unexpected in the middle of the guildhall. An orange-haired man with glasses and a green shirt – what the hell was Loke doing here without Lucy? Had he passed through the gate on his own again? Natsu had no time to ponder about that. In just five seconds, Loke’s eyes found her – and if Natsu had been pissed off with Mest, now he was outraged. Loke was known _especially_ for having his way with women. Natsu pressed his hands into tight fists, trying to calm down for a moment. _Brains before brawn, Natsu, brains before brawn._ Loke congratulated Haru for becoming a member of the guild – that Natsu would have accepted, but then Loke made a fatal mistake and complimented her deep brown eyes. And then Natsu lost his shit.   
The next thing he remembered was Haru dragging him back to the corner table. The celestial spirit rubbed his cheek, like always when his flirting failed – except that this time it hadn’t been the target of his flirting giving him a black eye.   
”What the hell now?” Haru asked, forcing him to sit down.   
Natsu crossed his arms on his chest. ”Loke was flirting with you.”  
”He just said I have beautiful eyes.”  
”That’s flirting.”  
”Natsu -”  
”I don’t like that.”  
”It doesn’t mean you can go punch people.”  
_ I can_, Natsu wanted to say but didn't. Haru didn't look angry or disappointed. She _tried_ to appear serious, but when she started to giggle, Natsu knew it had been just for a show. She sat next to him and stole a gulp from his ale stein. Her face twisted from the taste.  
"Loke is Lucy's celestial spirit", Natsu explained and took the stein back. "He's known for having at least twenty girlfriends. He's a womanizer. Couldn't let him have you, too."  
"You're just like Juvia", she whispered, so quietly he barely heard. Was that blush on her face? He wasn't sure, but he hoped it was. Natsu didn't have time to focus on that, because the doors of the guildhall opened and another unexcepted quest appeared. The murmur ceased and the music paused when Master Makarov stepped in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was another hard one to write. Not emotionally or creatively, this was just a hard one. Writing this note is hard. Everything is hard! If I had a dick it would be -- ok ok I'll stop this shit before I even start.
> 
> Soooo this is the 2/4 part of the game-changing chapters, and then we'll be at the endgame of the story. By endgame, I don't mean that the story will be over soon, but that we'll be at the final part of the story where shit gets real. It might be 10 or 15 chapters before this ends. This chapter worked as a bridge to future events, and maybe that's why it was hard to construct.
> 
> Anyway, hope you liked it! I'll get into Lucy and Natsu in the next chapter.


	19. WINGS OF SILVER

_"Did you fall out of love, because you fell in love again?_  
_Did you fall out of love, because you fell in love, with someone new? _  
_When the new love, shined with all the promise of all I couldn't give to you._  
_And the new life offered all you wanted, and you had to choose."_  
Woods of Ypres - Silver

_Makarov Dreyar gave it to me before he died_, she had said.   
Natsu’s fingers clutched into the white, scaly scarf on his shoulders as he locked eyes with Master Makarov. The dragonslayer was the first Makarov’s gaze searched for, and a faint delight sparked on those old, tired features when he found him. This spark of hope made Natsu’s chin shiver. No-one had expected Gramps to return alive, but he did - and for the first time, Haru had been wrong about something.  
The time stopped at that moment. Two more people followed Makarov. A boyish joy flashed in Natsu’s mind when he recognised Gildarts, and he wanted to yell _"fight me!"_ as he had always done before. However, the serious aura around the usually so laid-back and easygoing man forced Natsu to hold back his urges. The second person wasn’t so familiar to Natsu, but he knew she was Porlyusica, the medical advisor of Fairy Tail. She was known as a hermit misanthrope who hated humans and social interaction, and seeing her was usually a bad sign. Her presence here meant the situation was grave.  
Everyone waited perfectly still and silent. Natsu glanced at Haru, who seemed just as surprised to see Makarov alive. The old man’s eyes found her as well, and he nodded to her as a token of gratitude. Limping, Makarov walked into the middle of the guildhall and climbed on the counter. Gildarts took a seat next to his daughter Cana, and the medic Porlyusica withdrew into the most distant and empty corner of the hall.  
"So you idiots revived the guild and rebuilt the hall", Makarov broke the silence. "I’m proud of you, brats."  
And then the hall roared with applauds and cheers, a temporary blissful ignorance. Natsu clapped his hands along with them, but Makarov wore a grim expression like a stain.   
"Everyone… I’m sorry", the old man started and the cheers ceased. "I won’t make excuses – I took your home away from you and shattered our family."  
"It’s okay. You did that to protect us", Cana comforted. "Mest told us everything."  
"And we know about Zeref, too", Erza added.  
"I expected so", Makarov said. "So you've been titled as a temporary guild master. Have you told them about Fairy Heart?"  
Erza shook her head. With that being said aloud, everything would change. Makarov breathed in heavily as if his lungs were filled with concrete.  
"The time of secrets has come to an end", he said. "This enemy is nothing like we've faced before. They're a vast superpower, and they can crush us in an instant. Everyone needs to know what we are fighting for and why."   
But before Makarov could begin, someone interrupted him.  
"Perhaps I should be the one to tell them, Makarov."  
The first master had appeared from nowhere, and her sweet voice caught everyone’s attention. A child-like figure with a wavy blond hair which reached down to her ankles walked barefoot through the hall, and no-one made a single sound. Like a little fairy, she climbed next to Makarov and stood up on the counter, so everyone could see her.   
"Who’s this?" Haru whispered.  
"Mavis, our first master", Natsu explained just as silent. "But this is only her ghost, a thought projection only the mages of Fairy Tail can see. She died a long time ago."  
Haru stared at Mavis, lost in deep thoughts as if she was trying to figure out another bizarre familiarity.   
"What Zeref wants from us is a magic called Fairy Heart", Mavis told, with her voice reaching into every corner of the hall. "It has always been our guild’s most confidential secret because it holds something that the world must never learn of. But the time has come to reveal everything – you need to know why Zeref wants it, and about my sin."  
Natsu already knew _why_ Zeref wanted it, but he had never known what it truly _was_, or how it was created. It seemed like Haru didn’t know either – she had only told about the limitless magic it held, and the devastating effects it would have. It was strong enough to twist and intervene the time and space itself – but how is magic like that created? Natsu laid the ale stein on the table and listened closely as Mavis began her story.  
"A hundred years ago, a little before Fairy Tail was founded, I crossed paths with the black wizard Zeref without knowing his true identity. He taught me and my comrades magic so we could release Magnolia from the hold of a dark guild. During the battle, I cast an unperfected spell of black magic, Law. We won the battle and started this guild. Yes – our guild was formed because of Zeref, and his black magic."  
And maybe that was the bizarre connection Haru had been wondering. The fact that they all were here now because of Zeref was mesmerising. The black wizard had lived for four centuries, and what kind of other effects his existence had, couldn’t be known. A part of him seemed to have seeped into every atom of this universe.  
"Casting that spell took its toll on me: my body stopped growing, but everything else seemed normal. Soon after began the second trade war, and wizard guilds took part in it. Fairy Tail did too. The war raged on for years and many lost their lives, but when it was over, I met the black wizard again. This time he told me who he was, and I couldn’t believe it. He was so warm and kind, nothing like the legends told.  
"Zeref noticed I hadn’t changed at all during all those years, but then he realised it was something more severe. The unperfected spell of black magic cast the curse of contradiction upon me - the same curse Zeref suffered from. I had lost my ability to age and die. Due to the war, my sense of the value for human life was dulled, but the moment I’d discover it again, people around me would die. I ran away from Zeref and tried to deny everything. I loved my friends, it couldn't be true.  
"But then the curse activated when Makarov was born. It killed his mother, and I realised Zeref had been right. I was cursed. The more I loved, the more lives I took around me and vice versa. I left the guildhall and wandered aimlessly around the world, taking many lives against my own will.  
"After a year, Zeref found me again. I hadn’t eaten in half a year but I just didn't die. I begged him to kill me, but that was impossible. Zeref asked me to join his game – he was building an empire and thought I could be the one to walk beside him on the never-ending dark road. And I found his offer appealing. The whole world was rejecting him, but I didn’t. I accepted him. We were the same.   
"Love, the most primordial essence of magic, brings miracles, and sometimes tragedies. For us, it brought the latter. The love of the two who carried the curse of contradiction resulted in one final contradiction. Zeref loved me so much it took away my immortal life."  
Mavis stopped there, and the guildhall had never been as quiet as then. Natsu glanced at Haru, whose eyes glimmered and chin shivered. On the sly, he took her hand and she wrapped her fingers around his. _Zeref once loved a girl but learnt a hard way that love is a mistake_, she had said - she had heard this story before but never connected it to Mavis and the guild. Zeref probably never told her the name of the girl he had loved. That realization brought her to tears.  
The first master continued her story. "Zeref returned my remains to Precht, the second master. My heart was still beating, but I was in a vegetative state, forever asleep. Precht sealed my body inside a lacrima in his laboratory at the guild's basement. He tried to resurrect me with magic, but nothing worked. He realised I had killed Makarov's mother, and therefore he never told anyone about it. He told the others that I died and built an empty grave for me on my home island.   
"The combination of decades of failed experiments and the magic power of the curse of contradiction left in me created the source of infinite magic power. My body, Fairy Heart, is still sealed inside the lacrima deep underneath us. And Zeref wants that power. He thinks it belongs to him _by right_."  
The silence twisted into a nervous, confused murmur. The blue Exceed flew above everyone so his voice could be heard.  
"Infinite magic? Then why don’t we use it against Zeref and Acnologia and make them go boom?" Happy asked.  
"Fairy Heart must never be released into the world, no matter what", Mavis answered. "For example, Etherion could be fired infinitely in a row with Fairy Heart as its power source, and we would be wiped out as well. It's too dangerous, and it must remain sealed."  
Makarov cleared his throat, catching everyone's attention.  
"We won't use Fairy Heart against the Empire and that's our final decision", the old man ordered. "My negotiations with Zeref gave us two choices. It’s not up to me to decide – it’s up to Natsu."  
Natsu's eyes widened as people turned their heads towards him, making him feel like he was on the goddamn spotlight. And he didn't like it.  
"Me?" the dragonslayer stuttered.  
"Zeref challenged you into a duel. If you can kill him, we win. If you can't, there will be a battle we have no chance of winning."  
"When?"  
"Tomorrow."  
And without a moment's hesitation, he said: "I’ll do it."  
The guildhall broke into a racket. _It’s too dangerous, you shouldn’t go alone, don’t do it_, they murmured, but Natsu didn’t care. He responded their over-worried gazes with confidence and strength. This was exactly what they had planned. It was perfect. Better than perfect.  
"My friends", Natsu said and stood up, "I know you think it’s reckless and stupid to jump headfirst into this battle, but what’s new about that? That’s what I've always done. And I didn’t watch my father die for nothing. I will kill Zeref with the remains of Igneel's power, and when I do that, no-one else can be there or they'll get fucking grilled. That technique can be used only once, and it will never regenerate again. I’ve got only one shot. That’s why I have to do it alone.”  
And then they believed, even the most stubborn ones. Natsu wasn’t sure if they believed he could do it, of if they were too scared to argue against. But it didn’t matter. He had already made up his mind.   
"Then we’ll count on you, Natsu. Tomorrow, at dawn, outside Magnolia", Makarov told him.  
Natsu nodded and turned towards the girl, and her reaction took him by the surprise. She shivered from fear and her face had lost all colour. Once before she had desperately tried to force him to kill Zeref, but it had changed. Now she tried to hold him back from doing it, just as desperately. She stood up and took his hand.  
"Natsu", she whispered, "it might be a trap. Zeref wouldn’t -"  
"Zeref wants to die, huh? I’ll kill him and everyone will be happy. You said it yourself. It’s the best way to avoid casualties."  
Even with all the confidence he had, his voice began to shiver in nervousness and his words became harsh and cold. Her doubt made him doubt it too.   
"It might still be a trap. I don't want you to -"  
"It would still be better than a full-blown war. It's worth a try. I’ll take the risk to protect everyone. To protect you."  
"But my dream of a dying dragon -"  
"- is just a dream."  
"Natsu -"  
Natsu pulled her against him and wrapped his arms around her tiny body. She was afraid, and deep down he was too, but he knew he could do it. He could save everyone from imminent doom and the greatest despair Zeref had promised to deliver. He just had to. For her sake, he couldn’t let Zeref win.   
"Trust me, nothing bad will happen", Natsu whispered and pressed his face into her hair as she snuggled against her chest, trembling.  
"Don’t leave me alone in this world", the girl muttered.  
He smiled a bit. "I won’t. I promise."  
And as Natsu cradled her close and tight, he felt a dozen eyes on them – and even the eyes of a certain someone were among them. Natsu raised his head and leaned his chin on her crown, and the sight confirmed his assumption. The celestial spirit wizard stood at the slightly opened door with a poignant look in her eyes. When she had come and how much she had heard, Natsu didn’t know, and at this point, he didn’t even care. Comforting the girl in his arms was the only thing that mattered now.  
But Natsu could see how Lucy still, despite everything, longed to switch places with Haru. She had that same look in her eyes when Natsu had comforted the future version of her just a moment before her death. Keeping his eyes locked with Lucy’s, Natsu pressed a gentle kiss on Haru’s hair – a gesture messaging _it’s never going to happen for us, not anymore_. Even with all this distance, Natsu saw how her face twitched as she swallowed the pain, trying to hold onto her grace, failing. The dragonslayer closed his eyes and buried his face into the brown, soft hair and heard the receding steps of the celestial wizard as she ran away once again.   
It hit him abruptly as the sharpest shock faded - he would truly fight Zeref tomorrow, and suddenly it was too soon, too fast. He _could_ also lose, he could also _die_. The time he thought he would have had run out, and another promise he had made almost turned to dust. He couldn't leave things like this - the loose ends had to be tied.   
"You go home ahead", Natsu whispered to Haru. "I’ve got something I have to do."  
  
Lucy had run from the guildhall to her apartment.  
Her heart drummed in her chest so fiercely her ribs hurt and even the warm bath couldn’t calm it down. She had done her best to avoid him, succeeded in it even, until today. Thirty seconds in the same room with him had been enough. For the last eleven days, she had been dwelling in a sea of conflicted thoughts, and the sea had raged more fiercely than ever. She had recalled every memory she had of Natsu, and each one of them made the waves grow higher. And now she was drowning.  
The one memory she couldn’t locate had been bothering her the most. It had been when Lucy had wanted to see the shooting stars, but the night sky was hidden in a heavy mist. In the middle of the night, Natsu woke her up and helped her to climb into the top of the tallest tree so she could see them. Together they had watched the ballet of the shooting stars until it was dawn. What had he wished then? Lucy hoped his wish had come true; hers had betrayed her.   
The bubbles of the bath tickled her chin. Lucy had opened the small window above the tub so she could see the starlit sky. Cold air pushed in, but she didn’t mind it as long as she kept her eyes on the stars. They had always given her solace. And then, a falling star pierced the black sky. It lasted for a second, but long enough to sparkle a little hope in her. She didn’t know what she wanted to hope for, so she saved her wish for the later.   
Lucy heard a quiet rattle from the other room and the cross-draught pulled the small window shut. Her already distressed heart began to race even faster. She listened closely while holding her breath, but not a single sound followed the first. Still, she knew exactly what that meant. Someone had broken in. Lucy stepped out from the bath and wrapped herself into a towel, grabbed her keys and opened the bathroom’s door.  
Lucy shrieked – a thin, sinister figure stood in front of her desk, gazing at the blacked-out pages of her diary. Moonlight danced on those pink hair, and Lucy dropped her keys when Natsu’s eyes met with hers. The jingle of her keys echoed in the air as they clattered against the floor.  
"W-what are you doing here?" Lucy stuttered. As she heard her shivering voice, she understood how scared she was. People had broken into her apartment countless times, but never before had she been petrified like this.  
Natsu lowered his head back to those inked pages. "I was passing by and came to say hello.”  
"By breaking in while I'm taking a bath!?"  
"For the old time's sake", he answered like there was nothing wrong with it. "How are you doing?"  
And then her fear twisted into a disappointed, burning rage.  
"Really? Really!? You leave me out of sudden, come back completely changed and expect me to just tell you how I'm doing?"  
The dragonslayer lifted his shoulders. "Kind of. Lucy, I -"  
"Don't say anything. Don't you dare. Get out now", Lucy said with a dry, angry voice and grabbed Natsu from the sleeve, beginning to drag him towards the door. But he stood still like a statue, not moving an inch.  
"I just wanted to talk to you for a moment. Give me one minute and I’ll -"  
"No, you don't. Get the -"  
Suddenly Natsu wrapped his arms around her. Dumbfounded and frozen, Lucy couldn't do anything but lean against his shoulder. The water from her hair drenched his scarf, but he didn’t mind. He smelled different now, like the lilies of the valley thrown into the fire. It was _her_ scent mixed up with his. Hesitantly, Lucy put her arm around him, frightened how the half of him had disappeared. Tears welled up in her eyes as she felt his bones sticking through his clothes. He was vanishing. Her grief said _this isn’t how it’s supposed to be_, while the reality laughed, held her hope by the throat and said _but this is how it is._  
"I'm sorry, Lucy", Natsu whispered and broke away from the embrace. "I'm sorry we had to end up like this. Lucy, I… You were so important to me. You still are. But..."  
Lucy struggled to keep the towel on and awkwardly tried to wrap it back to cover her. Everything in this moment reminded her from the way things used to be, yet so painfully, since nothing was the same.   
"Don’t bring that bullshit to me", she said as she turned away to hide the tears. "If you meant any of that you wouldn’t have left."  
"I had no other choice than to leave."  
"You had and you know it. You _chose_ to leave."   
"Do you want to know why?"  
"I don’t -"  
"I wanted to die, Lucy", he interrupted. "I wanted to talk about it. Damn it, I wanted to scream, shout and yell, but I couldn’t. All I could do was say ’I’m fine’, and deny my own feelings to keep everyone fucking comfortable. To keep _you_ comfortable."  
Lucy wiped the tears, tilting her head up to look at him. The words _I wanted to die_ distorted in her ears, cracking the vision she had of him. And the pain in his eyes emphasised the shattering – and as her image of Natsu came crumbling down, she got _uncomfortable_.   
"And you left to make yourself comfortable?" Lucy asked.  
"_Comfortable?_ Two months ago I was about to jump off a cliff. You'd call that comfortable?"  
There was this different, sharp honesty in him which took her by the surprise. The distorting, hazy veil which had softened him was now gone, and in its absence, Lucy understood where she had been wrong all the time. He was broken, had been all the time._ Broken._ A cold, heavy stone landed on Lucy’s chest and made it difficult to catch air.   
"I have to know one thing, to get closure", she started as a whisper. "If I would have told you that I loved you, could you have stayed?"  
She had never thought she’d confess her love in a situation like this, but she had to. She knew it was too late, everything was over before it had even begun, but she knew she couldn’t ever be able to carry on without saying it. Natsu avoided her gaze, avoided her question, but eventually spat out the most painful words Lucy had ever heard:   
"It wouldn’t have changed a thing because I already knew."  
Natsu hung his head low and didn’t see the tears flooding in her eyes. She had hoped for something different, something more solacing. Lucy tried to keep quiet and suffocate the quiet sobs, but couldn’t. And Natsu’s cold, indifferent reaction only strengthened the waves of weeping. He stood in front of her in silence, completely aware of her pain, but didn’t do a single thing to alleviate it.   
"If you knew", Lucy began, stuttering, "why didn’t you do anything? Let me know? Couldn’t you love me back?"  
His answer came fast as if he had been thinking of it all that time.  
"It's not that I couldn't love", he said, "but because I was afraid. Afraid that you would fear the real me. Fear the hell I’m in. And I was right."  
"What... what do you..."  
"Look at me, Lucy."  
"Natsu -"  
"Just look at me."  
Natsu lifted her trembling chin and removed her hands from shielding her face. Hesitantly, Lucy opened her stinging eyes and looked deep into his – and all she wanted was to turn away. It wasn’t because she didn’t want him to see her face like this: red, puffy and snot distilling from her nose. But the things she found behind those dark green eyes weren’t the Natsu she had known. Those things were hell.   
Natsu pulled apart from her again, with a strange sadness. "You don't love me anymore, Lucy. You fear me."  
Against everything she had believed, she couldn’t help but agree with him. The Natsu she had loved was truly lost in the eternal flames of that hell, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t love him now. Natsu had been her sunshine, but the man in front of her was the stormclouds covering the sun.  
"Is that all you have to say?" she whispered as the tears ran out.   
"You wanted closure?" he asked. "This is closure."  
_But this isn’t the closure I wanted._ Lucy stared at him blankly. Maybe she had hoped for another chance with him, but there wouldn’t be one. And as she understood why, the drops of sorrow twisted into anger once again.   
"You're closing things with me so you can move on with her?" Lucy asked.  
Natsu frowned. "This has nothing to do with her. This is about us."  
"Don't lie to me, I know -"  
"- You don't know shit."  
"- I know you love her."  
From the way he fell quiet, Lucy knew she was right. The girl had looked at him with eyes filled with admiration instead of fear – and Lucy knew Natsu loved that. Even the devil needed to be adored, and there were people in this world who worshipped the devil. Just like that, they were perfect for each other, and there was nothing left for Lucy but the second place. _Silver._  
And all of a sudden, Lucy didn’t have anything else to say. And Lucy knew Natsu didn’t have anything left either.   
"Your minute has already passed. Get going now”, she commanded.  
"Lucy -"  
"GET OUT!"  
Natsu didn’t struggle, didn’t insist on staying any longer.  
"You might hate me now", Natsu said as he walked to the door, "and it’s alright. I won’t bother you anymore. But the next time we meet you'll be begging my heart to beat. I'm going to face off with Zeref tomorrow, and I might not come back alive. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. So bye, Lucy."  
If he had just said that right away, it would have completely changed everything. Suddenly none of their drama mattered at all. The door slammed shut before his words could sink in. It might have been the first time Natsu had left through the door, and as she was left alone in her apartment, shivering and empty, only a single wish occurred her mind. With all her heart she hoped the shooting star would still hear her.   
_Don’t die on me._

His hands shivered as he stopped at the bridge running over the canal. He gripped the railing and leaned forward to see the water running underneath. The stream flowed so fast it couldn’t reflect the stars above him, and it was good. Natsu didn’t want to see the stars, for just a moment ago it had felt like the whole nocturnal heaven had fallen on him.  
_I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone._  
When he had said that, he didn’t know love had no fear. He didn’t know love wouldn’t be afraid of the darkness because it could make its own light. It could grow through anything, climb over the highest walls and bloom in the most unexpectant places. Back then, he had thought of love as something way more complicated and chaotical, but it wasn’t. Love was clarity.   
_You love her. _  
And the moment he had tried to deny it, everything became clear. He couldn’t say no, and the answer was right there. He would have chosen any other moment for having that epiphany than in front of Lucy’s teary eyes, but he couldn’t help that either. The feeling spread inside him as the wildfire spreads on dry grass without control and he knew not what else to do than to let it burn.  
"I love her", Natsu admitted to the running water, tasting how the words felt like in his mouth. And they felt just right. "What do I do now?"  
The water didn’t answer, so he raised his head to the night sky. The stars were silent as well. But with the cold creeping into his bones, he knew exactly what he had to do. He had to go to her and to the quiet rattling of paper each time she turned the page.   
Natsu let go of the railing, turned his back to the town and headed into the direction where his heart led him. And suddenly, the path he had hated and dreaded felt light to walk on. The sad, lonely path leading to that run-down cold shack had become his way home. But to his surprise, it felt longer than ever. Every second, every minute he was away from her felt like a painful eternity, especially now. He didn’t want to miss a thing for tomorrow everything could be different. Tomorrow everything could be gone.  
When Natsu finally saw the lights filtering through the windows and smoke rising from the chimney, he felt relieved – and remembered having felt like that before, too. Maybe he had already known back then that he would one day come back home feeling like this. He opened the door without knocking, smelling green tea with ginger and elderflower – and it wasn’t bitter this time, because she had made it. Haru sat on the dinner table with a cup of steaming tea in her hands, swaying her legs in the air and welcoming him with a smile.  
"How did it go?" she asked, and Natsu didn’t know what to say. He crossed the room painfully aware of the blush on his cheeks, stepped in front of her and lifted her chin up so her eyes met with his. "What’s up, Natsu?"  
Forming words had never been so difficult and easy at the same time.  
"Have you ever seen the hell in someone’s eyes and loved it anyway?" he asked.  
She blinked, wondering what he meant, and the moment she realised it, Natsu’s heart skipped a beat.  
"Well, technically even the sun is a hell", she answered. "Stars shine due to thermonuclear fusion of hydrogen and helium in their core, they burn with an incredible heat… And stars give the light into this world, even though each of them is a hell."  
Natsu took her face in between his hands, gazed deep into her eyes and found no fear. She looked into his hell like he was the sun itself. His fingers trembled and his heart tried to jump out through his throat. He _wanted_ to tell her what he had realized, but the words ran away from him. But there was no need for words. No poetic metaphors or scientific explanations, it was all very simple: this empty space in between them was too much and he wanted to close it.  
And as he began to pull her face closer to his, a scream shattered the moment.  
"NATSUU!" the blue Exceed screamed as he flew in. "Lucy kicked me out! I don’t know what’s wrong with her! I’ve no other place to go!"  
Happy flew into his neck and the impact tore him apart from her, and he couldn’t do anything but laugh as he fell to the floor with the cat crying in his arms. That interruption felt like a curse and a blessing at the same time, and Natsu decided to let that wildfire burn on its own a little longer. He wanted to see how high the flames would grow.  
_ If I win, I’ll tell her that I love her_, he thought as she looked into him, wondering what had almost happened. _That’s my reward, that’s my reason to fight, and because of that, I will win._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's kinda hard to find words to describe this chapter, even though I've got a lot to say about this. Maybe everything is already said within the chapter and there's nothing left to explain.  
Anyway: I'm trying to get this fic finished before August because I'll have zero time for writing then. *big announcement* I'm pregnant with our second baby and it's due in August and there's no way I can write with a newborn and a toddler, at least in a while :D If I write one chapter per week, there will be maximum of 20 more chapters left.  



	20. WINGS OF DESPAIR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've put some extra warnings at the beginning of chapters containing harsher content but from there on, I'm not going to give any specific warnings. As the final part of the story begins there will be brutal violence, blood, and death in pretty much every chapter. Just a little heads up!

_"Close your eyes but stay awake _  
_They are trying to crawl inside your head_  
_Wish I could end this all today _  
_But like all good, our hope fades away."_  
Swallow the Sun - Falling World

_Those small hands wiped the book's cover, revealing its title under the thick layer of dust. The pitch-black tome was heavier than any book she had held before. She wondered how a shade that dark could even exist, and what those pages would contain. Three letters were carved into the leather cover. E, N and D._  
_ "Teacher, what's this book?" the girl asked. A black-haired man raised his eyes from the desk and the paper he worked on. Candlelight fluttered on his features._  
_ "Oh, where did you find it?" he asked in return. "It's a very precious book to me."_  
_ She opened the book carefully and recognised the letters. Or, in fact, symbols. It was a book of a demon, the system keeping it alive. While humans had the DNA encoded into their cells, Zeref's demons had these books. She turned the pages, perplexing over its magnificence, the tremendous strength written into it. The symbols slept in a frozen state as if they were hibernating._  
_ "This demon is asleep", she noted. "Where is it at this moment?"_  
_ Zeref smiled shortly. "Somewhere outside this time and space, lost in the fields of darkness. It's my strongest demon. Soon after it's creation, I sent it forward in time, until the density of ethernanos in the atmosphere would be enough. I've waited for four hundred years for it to resurface."_  
_ E.N.D. Something about it was different from the other demons she had studied. She studied symbol after symbol. She didn't know all of them, but the ones she recognised astonished her. She had always known Zeref was a genius, but to create this masterpiece… at that moment, she thought he was a god. _  
_ "What will happen when it wakes up?" the girl asked._  
_ The man stayed quiet for a while and extended his arm towards her. She closed the tome and gave it to him._  
_ "He'll set the whole world on fire and live among the raging flames", he started. "He'll reign hell upon this Earth until he has burned away my immortality. It's his only goal. This demon is my customized death."_  
_ The girl stared at Zeref in awe. To burn the whole world… _  
_ "But what about the new world?" she wondered. "The one you were going to create?"_  
_ "There's this thing", Zeref said, "it cannot be known when that demon will appear again. It might be today. It might be ten years from now. It might be that he's forever lost. If that's the case, the new world is my only option. But I'll wait for him a little bit longer."_  
_ She fell speechless. The thought of the whole world burning down frightened, but fascinated her at the same time. Though a new life in the new world had been what she had always wanted, this intrigue overwhelmed her. She wanted to meet that demon and explore its strength, for the sake of becoming more like Zeref. She wanted to be able to create something as powerful. _  
_ "Would my magic hurt that demon?" she asked._  
_ "I know what you're thinking about", the black wizard told her. "You're adoring my work, sweetheart, but from this, you should stay away."_  
_ "But I -"_  
_ "E.N.D is the vilest of my creations. Ruthless, cunning demon with the deadliest bloodlust… The harbinger of doom. You shouldn't meddle with it, curious little girl. Why would you want to create something like that anyway?"_  
_ "You created the demons so they'd kill you", she said. "But I would create a demon to be my friend. They'd be so strong my magic wouldn't hurt them."_  
_ Sorrow lingered in the dark eyes of the black wizard. The image of Mother's heel piercing through her cat's heart had been ingrained into her vision, and Mother's words would echo in her head forever. _A friend is something a demon like you will never have._ But if she created a demon so strong that her magic couldn't harm it..._  
_ "That's why you're so interested in the Etherious?" Zeref asked. "You'd bring your imaginary friends to life? Real friendship doesn't work like that. It's not unconditional. Creating lifeforms just to keep you company would make you lonelier."_  
_ She looked away from him, but the idea didn't leave her head. It stayed stubbornly in her mind, exciting her every nerve. If she'd learn enough, if she'd become better, she could do it. Zeref had created E.N.D to complete an impossible task – to kill an immortal being. If she could become as good as him, she could make the impossible come true, too. _  
_ She wouldn't be alone anymore._  
  
Where did that memory come from?   
It had been hard for Natsu to fall asleep, but now he sniffled in the rhythm of gentle strokes of her hand running through his hair. Midnight had already passed, but Haru declined to stop if that would wake him up. He needed the rest more than ever. Her mind wandered there and here, explored corners of her cognition she hadn't visited in years. The loneliness had withered into a distant memory from another life, and she hadn't needed a demon for that task. _A dragon_ had turned the impossible into reality.  
She couldn't sleep. Not because the Exceed snored in the hammock, not because Natsu rested on her lap, but because she was frightened. Natsu had convinced her he'd be fine, but the frigid, stubborn worry stayed in her heart all the same. He'd face off against Zeref, and everything could go wrong. The dawn was many hours away, and Haru didn't want to spend these hours asleep if they'd be the last moments she'd ever have with him.   
_Have you ever seen the hell in someone's eyes and loved it anyway?_  
The poetic side of the straight-forward man who despised riddles and metaphors always took her by the surprise. As if he had switched into her language especially for that moment, to reach her better, to make sure she'd understand. And she did. However, she didn't know how to respond in _his_ language, because his language didn't have any words. It had a body and touch, it was physical and dimensional – and she had no idea how to translate her feelings into a form he'd understand. She kept stroking his hair, but it didn't mean that. It meant _sleep now, everything is going to be alright_.  
Suddenly, Natsu grabbed her wrist, stopping its gentle movement.  
"Why are you still awake?" he mumbled.  
"I'm keeping you asleep."  
"It isn't going very good, isn't it? Come here."  
Natsu moved aside from her lap and pulled her next to him, and left the other half of the nest of sofas empty. She snuggled against his warm chest and closed her eyes.  
"Natsu -"  
"I'm not leaving you alone", he interrupted, knowing what she had intended to say._ Again._ "Believe me. We'll win. We'll live on and have many fun adventures. We'll get you a white cat and name it Dick if you want."  
_Everything will be alright._ It had become a chant. And she almost believed it. At least she wanted to. She smiled, even though it felt hard and forced.  
"Actually, I don't think I'd give that name to a cat anymore..."   
Natsu laughed. "Does Dragon's Cock sound better?"  
And then her smile became real.  
"Natsu! That's awful", she giggled. "I want to give our cat a pretty name."  
"Got any ideas?"  
Haru thought for a second. Planning for the future gave her some hope and solace, especially when it contained cats.   
"Mavis, maybe", she said. "She was so beautiful."  
Natsu agreed. "I'd like that name."  
She smiled. Zeref had never told her the name of the girl he had loved, or the part he had in the foundation of Fairy Tail. The tragic story of their love had brought her to tears, but it helped her to understand some things Zeref had said and left unsaid. And she almost sympathised him again.   
Haru forced the black wizard away from her head. She didn't want to waste any second of this moment in thinking about him.   
"You should go back to sleep", she said.  
He held her a little tighter. "Only if you'll sleep, too."  
"But if this is the last night I'll have with you I -"  
"If this was our last night it would be so much different."  
Blood rushed into Haru's cheeks.   
"How?" she asked, even though she had a tiny perception of what Natsu had meant: a continuum for the moment Happy had interrupted.  
"I'll let you know when it really is the last."  
She smiled against his chest. And upon those words Haru finally found some courage to fall asleep.  
  
It seemed like the sun would never rise, as if it lingered behind the horizon to give them the mercy of just one more minute, again and again.  
The birds didn't sing and the wind didn't hum, the only sound Natsu heard was his own heartbeat echoing in his ears. Natsu had loved the view which opened from the tallest hill of Magnolia, but now the only thing he saw was the girl who gazed into the East and waited for the dawn to break. She stood right beside him, so close, but still not close enough. Her new, black dress with frill details in its sleeves and collar suited her perfectly. It was made from fire-resistant fabric like his clothes were – and Natsu didn't know what he liked more: the fact she had been thinking of him while choosing that dress or the way it looked on her.   
_Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?_ The thought felt as potent as spoken words. He flinched and forced himself to keep the promise he wanted to break already. _Not yet._   
_ But what if I die? Should I leave you behind without letting you know how much you meant to me?_ He waited and gazed at her features as he'd never see her again – and the very thought of this moment being the last raised his valour and will to fight.   
The first light of the day chased away the twilight. Down the hill, in the western forest of Magnolia, evoked a dark, familiar presence. Zeref was there, in the place where he first met Mavis, and into that memory he had come to die. Haru turned towards Natsu and the terror in her eyes made his heart ache.  
Natsu didn't say anything – he didn't want to waste the little remaining time in words. He closed her into an embrace and pressed her as close to him as possible. Driven by instinct, he kissed her forehead. It didn't count as breaking the promise.  
"Wait for me here", he said and receded from the hug. But before he turned away and left, a blue feline flew straight into his neck.   
"Happy!?" the dragonslayer exclaimed. "I told you _not_ to come with me!"  
"But if she can be here, I can, too", Happy answered.  
"She's not vulnerable to fire the same way you are. It's dangerous, you should -"  
"You'll never know when you need my help, Natsu."  
He sighed. "Haru, make sure he stays put. You two stay on this hill and don't follow me into the forest, okay?"  
"Aye, sir", Happy grinned.  
"I'm serious. There will be a cat barbeque if you -"  
A loud blast pierced the air as a sphere of black magic left the trees dead and dry where it had been cast. It was Zeref. And he was waiting. Natsu bid them farewell and raced down the hill into the forest which withered from Zeref's presence.  
  
Deep in the woods, Natsu found the black wizard. Zeref stood by a small bond, gazing at its glimmering surface as the light of the dawn reflected from the water. The woods were quiet and the flock of dead birds on the ground explained the silence. The trees had turned black as everything around him had died. Had it been the memory of Mavis or someone else, the death around him revealed that he still, after everything, had a fracture of love within him. And only a fracture of love was enough to take a life.  
"I've been waiting for you", Zeref stated. "I've been plaguing this Earth for too long and now it's time for me to leave. So do it, Natsu. Kill me."  
Natsu grinned. "I want you to fight back, or it won't be a good death."  
"For me, any kind of death is a good death."  
"And any kind of death is a death you deserve", Natsu replied. "Be burned to ashes."  
Zeref had waited long enough. The whole world had waited long enough, and the hour of reckoning dawned with the sun. Natsu enveloped his fists into a fire and reached down deep inside him to find Igneel's strength to pour into his own. Natsu released the strength of his father, the flames of someone who had already passed. The moment had come: this power would never regenerate again, all he had was this one chance, this one shot. And he was not going to miss it. The force of the king of fire dragons roared on his palms and heat set the dried wood around him ablaze.   
And then he charged forward without a moment's hesitation.  
The impact sent Zeref flying like a ragdoll. The fire caught his robe and ate it away like a piece of paper before he landed to the ground, leaving him with nothing but a silver pendant hanging around his neck.   
"Fight me!" Natsu shouted and charged at him again while he was still down. He raised his flaming fist, setting the forest afire in his wake, and struck into the black wizard's core. Blood burst out from Zeref's mouth from the brute, physical force crushing his ribs, and Igneel's flames scorched his skin. Scorched the curse.  
Zeref smiled.   
Before Natsu launched his fist on him again, a flash of black light sliced the air and landed on his cheek. It cut his skin open, left a scar Natsu would carry as a badge of honour. It stung and bled but was far from a fatal wound. Natsu knew how to return that. He shaped his flames as a blade and sent it raging forth and enjoyed the scream which escaped from the black wizard as it sliced him.  
The air filled with heavy, dark smoke as the whole forest lit up. Columns of flames reached skywards into the break of the day, licked the trees like hungry lovers and if Zeref's curse hadn't already taken out all life, these flames finished the job. Zeref stood up and spread his arms to welcome another strike. Natsu's heart inflamed with frustration.   
"I told you to fight back!" the dragonslayer yelled.  
"You've misunderstood. This isn't a duel. This is, in fact, an execution..."  
Air escaped Zeref's lungs as Natsu landed another punch on his chest, straight to the left side where he was supposed to have a heart. Natsu sunk his nails into Zeref's bare skin, grabbed him tight and poured fire into the black wizard's body. He screamed like a witch being burned alive, but Natsu wasn't sure if it was enough. He didn't have to destroy his body – he had to burn away his immortality. And for that, he needed flames so much denser, hotter and brighter.   
_If I win I'll tell her that I love her._ Her face flashed in his mind, her tears, the hate and love she had for Zeref – and from the love Natsu had for her, he dwelled the strength to stoke his flames. Natsu gathered everything, each ember, even the coals Igneel had left in him, combined them with the pledge he had made, and set the whole land on fire.   
And in Zeref's eyes, he found utter relief when he landed another strike, stronger than before. His skin charred black, the pendant around his neck melted away, even his black hair vanished in the rage of Natsu's fire.   
"An execution it is, then", Natsu said fierce determination and enfolded his fist into everything he got. Without prolonging the inevitable, basking in shattering his bones any more, Natsu attacked him and the world disappeared into the blazes.

The west forest of Magnolia had been so beautiful, packed with magnolias the town had been named after. Deep green, diamond leaves and pure white flowers – Natsu had wanted to show them to her next spring, but now they would never bloom again. Black stumps remained of trees which had grown there for centuries, the natural bonds had become clouds of steam soaring in the skies. And the animals… Natsu didn't even want to think what had happened to the fauna which _had_ lived there. But in a twisted way, Natsu enjoyed the scenery. This is what a fire dragon left in his wake. _Complete demolition._  
And amidst the smoke and fire, Natsu found a miserable bundle which had been Zeref. Charred, scorched, unrecognisable – and to his disappointment, still breathing. Natsu sighed, panting in exhaustion. The final strike hadn't been final, after all, but it certainly took its toll on him.   
"So this is immortality", Natsu pointed out and rolled Zeref's body around with his feet. "What a tough bastard."  
"Natsu..." the black wizard panted. How could he still speak? "You were able to defeat me, after all… I didn't…. I didn't believe you could do that without..."  
Natsu didn't understand. He hadn't defeated him yet, but one or two blows similar to the previous would do it. He still had Igneel's power left for that. He was so close to a victory he began to fear it would slip through his fingers - Zeref's nonsense chatting made him nervous.  
"Without what?" Natsu asked.  
"Without fully completing the process… you used Igneel's power to fill the gap in strength you needed to kill me… as clever as I'd expect from you, Natsu..."  
He frowned and pressed Zeref's throat with his feet. "What process?"  
"One more strike and I will be gone. I will finally get some sleep", Zeref said, and a hint of a smile twitched on his burned face. "I think there's one thing you should know before you make the choice of landing that final blow on me."   
Zeref was really dying. Dying, because of _him_. It didn't feel as bad as Natsu had expected. It felt just _right. _  
"I've never killed anyone before", Natsu said and released Zeref's throat, taking a step back. "I used to think it's wrong. Fairy Tail mages don't kill their enemies. But sometimes death is the greatest act for mercy. But this isn't execution – this is euthanasia. And as I take a man's life, I owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. So say it. Say what you got to."  
Zeref gasped for air.   
"My name is Zeref Dragneel", he said. "I am your older brother."  
Natsu couldn't grasp his words and remembered one thing Haru had said. _Do you know why Zeref created his demons? His entire family died in a dragon attack 400 years ago. He tried to bring his little brother back to life, but it angered the god of life and death._  
"Bullshit", Natsu snapped. "I'm not -"  
"You died centuries ago, but I brought you back as one of my demons… the strongest of them, with a single mission: to kill me. You are destined to fall into the darkness where you'd find the strength to kill me. That's why you're drawn into tragedy, to hasten the process… and I didn't know it would happen so soon… but you're not there in the darkest hour of the shadows, but _almost_. There's something… no, _someone_ halting the process..."  
The dragonslayer stared at the black wizard blankly, without blinking, refusing to understand his words. Zeref struggled to get up. Burnt muscles didn't carry him too well.   
"I'll just kill you and stop this gibberish right here", he said and enveloped his hand into Igneel's flames._ The last of them. _  
"Didn't you understand? If you kill me, you'll die too."  
Natsu petrified. His legs refused to move him, his arm refused to strike as he remembered her words. _Don't leave me alone in this world._ It couldn't be true. It just couldn't be.  
"Prove me", he demanded. It wasn't true, but he hesitated. He didn't want to take the smallest chance of it actually _being_ true.  
Zeref summoned a book, a one Natsu had seen before. A thick, black tome.  
"This book is the thing which keeps you alive", he explained. "This book is you."  
"And it doesn't prove anything."  
"Then why are you hesitating? Kill me, and let my death prove my words."  
"Because I promised", he said, "I promised I wouldn't leave her alone."  
"The clock is ticking, Natsu. Soon I'll be in full strength again, and Igneel's power will be gone. Make a choice. Choose to kill me, or choose to watch your guild being completely annihilated… and lose her, all the same."  
The despair fed Natsu's rage. "Prove it!"   
Zeref chuckled. He threw the book to the ground and pierced it with a bullet of black sorcery. The hole in the middle of it smoked, and Natsu didn't feel anything. No pain. No nothing. _It was a lie, just as I thought. A desperate bluff to avoid inevitable death._  
"Liar", Natsu said, and something poured into his mouth. A rich taste of iron. It seeped through his lips and dripped down his chin. _Liquid._ The fire died in his fists as Natsu coughed, coughed again and looked down – and realised the fluid was blood.   
_ What… _  
Suddenly his chest boiled in fleeing fire and air escaped his lungs. He tried to speak, but no words came out – only blood did. He had no external injury, but something inside him bled – no, _haemorrhaged._ He expectorated the blood with no help, trying to grasp what the hell was going on, and then followed the insane pain of his insides being ripped apart. Pain brought him into clarity – and clarity brought him onto his knees. Hopeless. Powerless. _Miserable_.  
_This can't be true, this can't be true_, he repeated to himself as Zeref's smug face told him _but it is_. This was the greatest despair Zeref had promised to give him.   
"You hesitated for too long. Instead of giving you the illusion of a free choice, I took the liberty of choosing for you. You lost. No... this whole world lost."  
The rapid pounding of his heart blurred Zeref's words. The pain inside his chest melted away his strength. _Stand up, Natsu, stand up!_ But no, he collapsed and black spots began to fill his vision like a swarm of black moths.

"Something is wrong."  
Where there had been a forest was now an endless field of fire, and a powerful, unexplainable feeling overwhelmed her. The words escaped her lips without thinking, and the blue cat noticed her nervousness. The Exceed didn't answer – he sensed it too.   
"I have to go", Haru said and sprinted down the hill. The scorching air bashed against her, but she pushed through.   
_I see you walking into the fire, into the flames hot enough to slay an immortal being._  
"But Natsu told us not to follow him!" Happy shouted after her.   
"He's in trouble, I have to help him!"  
The flames on the edge of the burning field kissed her feet and sent an immediate signal of _turn away from this pain_ up into her brain, but she refused to listen. Each step she took into the fire burned her nerves, but this fire wouldn't _harm_ her. She jumped over the fallen, burnt trees. She ran closer to the centre as flames grew higher, hotter, hellish and her sense of self-preservation screamed for her to turn away, but she didn't.   
But the pain of those flames was nothing compared to the thing she found in the middle of the field. The sight struck right into her heart and the anguish ripped her apart.   
"Natsu!"  
Haru rushed to him, turned him over and took his face into her hands. Scarlet fluid stained her pale fingers as it flowed from the cut on his cheek and through his lips. The dragonslayer's fingers clutched into her dress as he clung on her like a drowning man. He mumbled something but coughed up blood, and fright filled his cloudy eyes.   
"I- I-", he stuttered gurgling the blood, "I couldn't do it -"  
Haru cradled him in her arms even though his body felt as hot as the sun itself. She shook her head and the smile she had tried to force withered away. She found no bravery, no courage in herself - only fear. Natsu's skin faded into a sickening, ashen shade.   
_And in the middle of the field, I see a dying dragon, red scales fading to white._  
"It's okay", she whispered, "don't try to speak, it's okay, you'll be okay, we will -"  
"No", he answered. "We lost. Haru, we... we've lost..."  
The flames surrounding them died down as the mist in Natsu's eyes intensified. Her stomach sunk in hopelessness. She raised her eyes from Natsu and found Zeref. She barely recognised him. The black wizard, stripped naked by the flames, gazed at a book on the ground and _smiled._   
"The vilest of my creations", Zeref said and picked up the tome. "Ruthless, cunning demon with the deadliest bloodlust… You shouldn't have meddled with it, you curious little girl."  
Haru read the letters carved into the cover. _E.N.D._ The tome had been pierced from the middle, and pure terror spread into her every cell. Natsu's grip on her dress loosened, and the absence of visible injuries terrified her even more. _It can't be… _  
"Did I ever tell you the name of my little brother?"  
Haru shook her head.  
"His name was Natsu", Zeref said, "and the _thing_ you cradle in your arms is Etherious Natsu Dragneel, my resurrected brother, my death... another failure."  
She kept shaking her head without uttering a single word. Natsu fidgeted, growled and Haru turned him on his side – and he regurgitated the blackest blood Haru had ever seen. Her heart skipped so many beats she thought it had stopped. Zeref's demons were connected to their creator - was Zeref to die, the demons would disappear, too.  
"He could have killed me, but chose not to… but the outcome will remain the same. Such a shame."  
A shadow flew over him: a shadow of a cat with wings.  
"Happy!" Haru shouted and looked up. "Take Natsu to the guild, now!"  
The Exceed did as she told, but the sound of his paws _sizzling_ when he touched the dragonslayer sickened her. Happy bore the pain and lifted Natsu up from his shirt. Haru understood the urgency of the situation but letting him go shredded her heart apart.   
"What about you?" Happy asked as he began to fly away with the dragonslayer.  
"Don't mind me, take Natsu into safety! I'll follow up -"  
Zeref interrupted her. "Where do you think you're going?"  
Haru pressed her hands into fists and turned towards the black wizard. His burnt skin regenerated each second – the moment to kill him slipped through their fingers, and suddenly it didn't matter at all. The little sympathy she had felt for him last night was now gone. Absolutely gone.   
"You are coming with me", Zeref said and lifted his burnt arm towards her. The last thing she saw was a web of black magic covering her, and then her vision faded into nothingness.   
_Then it's dark._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with a few things in this chapter. One: a clothing dilemma. In canon, Natsu’s fire can burn people’s clothes away, but not always. I don’t think it makes sense. Like when he came back after the one year break at the GMG, he melted the whole stadium and everyone’s clothes but somehow no-one died. It kind of denied all logic. So in this fic, Natsu’s fire can burn people’s clothes, hair, skin unless they’re made from a material which resists fire or they are otherwise protected by fire. 
> 
> And the other thing is that I’ve never written a fight scene before, especially a magical fight. And as I am writing this in English which isn’t my mother tongue it’s even more challenging. But I think it got out just as I wanted. 
> 
> And a word or two about Swallow the Sun and the overall soundtrack for this story.  
As you’ve possibly noticed most of the opening quotes are from Swallow the Sun (Finnish death-doom metal band) songs. This entire fic is pretty much inspired by Swallow the Sun’s music and lyrics, but here it’s the clearest. The one used in this chapter (Falling World) is one of my favourites from them for a couple of reason, mostly because it’s the song which got me into this band. My fiance linked it to me before we were even dating, and the monotonic despair fit perfectly my 14-year-old’s angsty moods. We saw Swallow the Sun live in February and they played that song and it was amazing. And I couldn’t think of any other song for this chapter than Falling World, because Natsu’s whole world truly came crumbling down here.  
I don’t usually listen to songs with vocals when I write because it confuses my mind and I’m just focusing on the lyrics so I prefer instrumental music when I write. For this chapter, I listened to Frostpunk’s soundtrack to get the right atmosphere.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it!


	21. THE WEARY HOUR

_”And the calm is only to remind us of our black hearts_  
_The one that beats no more, won't hurt anyone, evermore_  
_Now I am finally home where I belong_  
_Flying into the flame of hell every night, just before the sunrise_  
_To burn to ashes_  
_Just to form again for a new night of suffering_  
_To remain what I was_  
_The evil, again and again and again and again and again and again...”_  
Swallow the Sun - The Gathering of the Black Moths

Lucy hadn’t slept an eyeful, and no-one else had either.  
Loke had paid a visit soon after Natsu left and explained everything she had missed, also the story behind his blackened eye. But after last night, Lucy didn’t even care. Her worry didn’t leave any room for jealousy. Who loved who and who didn’t was completely insignificant compared to the real problem at hand: who’d live and who wouldn’t.  
Warren’s magical radar in the middle of the guildhall hadn’t been turned on yet, but people swarmed around it like nervous ants. Everyone had gathered here hours ago, but Lucy stayed afar from the commotion. A cup of chamomile tea steamed in between her hands but failed to calm her the slightest. Lucy stared at her own reflection on the tea’s surface and swirled it with a spoon. She felt so empty inside. All she had was the regret of not being able to see the world through Natsu’s eyes.   
”Are you alright, Lucy?”   
Lucy hadn't noticed Levy's approach until she called her name.  
”I’m okay”, Lucy sighed. ”Just tired.”  
”You look sad”, the blue-haired, small girl said and sat next to her. ”I haven’t really seen you around. Are you really okay?”  
Lucy wiped her eyes, puffy and stinging from crying and the lack of sleep. She wasn't very good at lying.   
”You can tell me. We’re friends, right?”  
”It’s… I’m just worried about Natsu, that’s all.”  
”I'm too. Everyone is. Gajeel said he is ’a total idiot and just showing off his dick size’ but I think he’s seriously going to do it. He’s Natsu, after all. And stronger than ever before. He’ll kick Zeref’s ass.”  
It surprised her to hear innocent Levy speaking in such a vulgar language – the steel dragon’s impact was clear on her. But something in her voice fractured when she said Gajeel’s name. Lucy scanned around and found the steel dragonslayer, towering above everyone’s heads, from the middle of the hall. Far from a hearing distance.  
”You seem a bit out of weather too”, Lucy remarked. Levy peered down, and the shadows highlighted her dark under-eyes. Her skin was so pale.   
”We had an argument, again”, Levy whispered. ”This whole year has been a rollercoaster for us, but now...”  
Lucy placed her hand on Levy's shoulder, patting her gently. ”He’s probably stressed out of the situation. We all are.”  
”It’s not that”, her voice cracked again. ”The way we met, the things he did to me when we were enemies haunt him. He has constant nightmares about it. He isn’t sure about us, he doesn’t think I’ve forgiven him, but I...”  
Lucy remembered it, too. She remembered sitting next to Levy’s hospital bed after Gajeel had brutalized her two years ago. Everything had changed since then, and even though it wasn’t easy to forget, they were family now. And family forgave everything.   
Lucy took a sip from her tea. ”And he hasn’t said any of that to you, am I right?”  
”Exactly”, Levy sighed. ”But I figured it out myself. He has been so distant and quiet, not himself. I ask him what’s wrong but he just grunts something and turns away from me.”  
”I know”, Lucy replied with a faint, emphatic smile. ”They say that women are complicated, but men are worse. They just don’t know how to speak about their feelings. It’s incredible how much a man can hide, keep for himself. They’re the gatekeepers of secrets.”  
Levy understood her empathy, the hidden meaning behind her words. She was an observant one and knew Lucy was talking about another dragonslayer. Maybe they were even more complicated than regular males.   
”I guess we both carry some secrets inside us", Levy answered. "Mine is probably bigger than his.”  
Levy touched her belly, still flat and tiny. Lucy’s eyes widened – to her, a person who hadn’t even kissed anyone before, it was utterly confusing. Levy was the same age and already becoming a mother.  
”Really?” Lucy gasped. ”Oh, I… congratulations...”  
Levy didn’t seem happy at all. ”Gajeel doesn’t know. And I don’t know if I want to tell him.”  
”But you have to, at some point.”  
”I know… But as he doubts us, I doubt, too. I talked to Porlyusica this morning. She said I can still… terminate it, but I have to make the decision soon. She even preferred it, you know her… she said there are too many humans already. I don’t know what I should do.”  
Levy looked so small and sad Lucy forgot her own problems completely for a moment. She wanted to hug her tight until things became better.   
”Oh, Levy, everything is going to be alright -”  
The commotion intensified around the radar. The first light of the day filtered through the windows and a loud blast echoed from the distance. Natsu’s battle had begun. Lucy and Levy exchanged confused gazes.  
”We’ll talk more later”, Levy said. ”This is more important.”   
Lucy left her tea and moved closer to the screen, which displayed two marks. Red and black spheres clashed on each other, symbolising the dragonslayer and the black wizard.   
And from there on, the whole guildhall held their breath.   
  
Lucy didn’t understand the numbers measuring the released magic. They were too high to comprehend – could magic that terrifyingly strong be truly Natsu? Could it even exist? She glanced from the window. Pillars of black smoke rose from the West Forest, loud explosions followed one another, and Lucy almost sensed the heat on her skin. _He’s a monster_ they said as if it was nothing new. He had been monstrous_ before_, but this magic surpassed his former self in so many levels. He twisted his darkness into magic, and even the black wizard burned in those flames. Lucy looked back to the screen – the black sphere was fading with each blow the red one landed on it.   
A few seconds passed by with nothing happening - Natsu used that time _charging_. And when he released that strike, the screen lost connection and went static. Nothing else was heard but white noise.  
”What happened?” Gray asked.  
”That was Natsu”, Mavis explained. ”His magic was too much for our tracking devices to handle.”  
The radar restored a minute later. The black wizard’s magic had drained so close to zero as possible. He hung on a thread. Dying. Lucy took Levy’s hand. She felt like fainting.   
”Is he really going to do it?” Gajeel shouted. ”Damn it, I didn’t believe he would.”  
”Zeref isn’t dead yet”, Mavis commented. ”Something is going on.”  
Time crawled forward painfully slow. Lucy’s palms broke a sweat. _Would he really end it once and for all? Could it have been this easy? _  
Without any warning, the red sphere began to flicker on and off – and then it abandoned the screen. Colour escaped from Lucy’s face as her stomach sunk and heart skipped a beat. She let go of Levy and held her hands over her mouth.   
She didn’t hear what they discussed, the conclusions they made. She stared at the radar, ignored her environment, and all she could see was the empty spot where Natsu’s mark had been.   
She didn't know how long she spent staring at the empty radar. There was nothing but silence inside her head, a silence which lasted for an eternity until the doors of the guildhall slammed open. Happy flew in with a speed of a shooting star, screaming and crying – and carrying the dragonslayer in his charred paws. The cat dropped him to the floor.  
”Natsu needs help real bad!” Happy cried. ”I don’t know what’s wrong!”  
Lucy awakened from her static state. Fully alert, she rushed to him and dropped onto her knees, wary of the smouldering heat radiating from him. Natsu rolled on his side and couched up blood as black as oil, which spilt on her blue skirt and pale tights. It _burned_. Natsu tried to say something in between laboured breaths, but the words lacked a voice. Lucy's hands shivered like dry, dead leaves.  
”What happened?” the pink-haired elder, Porlyusica asked in haste as she appeared from the background. She kneeled next to Natsu to examine him, seeing no injuries except the cut on his cheek. It terrified Lucy even more. The shuddering of Natsu’s body resembled a fierce convulsion, a turmoil. People gathered around their fallen comrade, all as helpless, all as worried.   
Happy flew around helplessly, not being able to get down from his nervousness. Wendy caught him into her arms to treat his burned paws. ”I don’t know! Something went wrong, I don't -”  
A violent burst of blood from Natsu’s mouth interrupted the cat. It leaked from his nose and through his cloudy eyes. He didn’t seem to understand what was going on around him, but he was still conscious, suffering greatly. His body twitched as he tried to grasp onto something, someone to anchor on. His gaze travelled past Lucy, continued searching with no result. He searched for _her._   
Porlyusica touched his forehead and immediately yanked her hand back from the heat.  
”Take him to the infirmary, now”, she commanded. ”He’s bleeding internally, and his body is seriously overheating. Is the ice wizard here?”  
”I am”, Gray answered.  
”Come with us. We need to get his temperature down as soon as possible, to slow down the bleeding and prevent him from boiling up. Even a dragonslayer’s body has its limits.”  
Gray nodded. Lucy realised she hadn’t breathed at all in minutes as a stinging, hot feeling spread into her neck. She'd swoon soon. Her throat felt so thin as she tried to gasp in air. The dread expressed on Natsu’s face, sharp and clear – she had never seen him as horrified, and when Natsu was scared, all hope was lost.   
”Wendy, your magic is also needed”, she commanded. ”And you, blonde girl, should come too. Your magic is useless here, but he needs the presence of someone important to him. These are grave injuries. He might not make it.”  
Lucy nodded and pushed her shock aside. There was no room for weakness. She gathered every piece of strength she had, forged it into pillars to keep herself from collapsing, too. Natsu needed her to be strong now.  
”We will save you, Natsu”, she whispered to him as she stood up. ”And for fuck’s sake, someone knock him out! He’s in great pain!”  
Glad and amenable, Gray did the deed of whacking the dragonslayer’s head, releasing him from his torment. Lucy flinched as Natsu fell unconscious, despite knowing it was a relief for him. The ice Gray created upon Natsu melted the instant it was cast, but the mage persisted, forming layer after layer to cover Natsu’s skin like scales.   
”Happy, do you know where Haru is?” Erza asked. The cat’s eyes fell even more grim upon that question.   
”She… She said she’d follow us”, the Exceed stuttered, looked around, not finding her.   
”She can’t be traced with our radar”, Erza continued. ”But I trust she’ll be here soon.”   
A certain _bad feeling_ lingered in Lucy’s chest. As they transferred Natsu into the infirmary, the feeling deepened. The others remained by the radar, in hopeless uncertainty of what would happen next. Makarov had been sitting alone and quiet all this time, but the last glance Lucy stole on him confirmed their despair.   
_There will be a battle we have no chance of winning. _  
  
”Natsu.”  
Someone called his name. His eyelids weighed too much to be opened. Everything was pitch black. _No_. His eyes were open, then closed, then open again, but everything remained black. Natsu gazed into the vast, deep nothingness in front of him. He was all alone.  
He lifted his hands up but couldn’t see them – he didn’t have them anymore. His body was gone. He had become a formless ghost lingering in empty, peaceful space, stuck somewhere between the fields of existence. A place he had visited before in a dream, but now it was real.   
He remembered the pain, but it was gone. He remembered the blood, but it had been washed away. He remembered incomprehensible words the black wizard had proven true.   
_ Did I die? _  
”You aren’t dead”, the same voice said. Natsu tried to find its source, but there wasn’t any. ”But soon you will be.”  
_ Where am I? _  
The person speaking to him heard his voiceless words. ”This is the place where the dying go through their memories. You’ve forgotten so much, Natsu. The dying deserve to know their lives. This is everything your conscious mind has protected you from.”  
The blackness around him changed into a scenery of a small village and zoomed into a house. A family of four lived there. A woman with black hair played with her son, and a man carved a piece of wood with a silver dagger. He was making a toy for his younger son – a little boy with his father’s hair, the shade of cherry blossom.   
”This is our family, Natsu.”   
_ Who are you?_  
”I am your brother.”  
_ Zeref._ Natsu recognised the older son as the black wizard but had forgotten the parents. But the silver dagger in father’s hands… that one Natsu certainly knew. Haru’s dagger. The one he had to kill her with. Funny. It had felt familiar, she had even said it belonged to Zeref’s father. How could he have known it was his father's, too, at the same?   
”I didn’t have time to tell you everything… but you deserve to know who you really are.”  
The scenery shifted. Smiles and laughter faded as the house came crumbling down. Dragons filled the red sky, mother and father cradled each other as they burned to death. The older brother shook the younger from shoulders, screamed his name but didn’t get an answer. Natsu felt a strike in the place where he used to have a heart.  
”This is how you died. I saved you from our burning house, but the smoke had already suffocated you. All these burned bodies, but yours stayed unscathed – and it made it harder to say goodbye. No. It made it _impossible_.”  
_He isn’t dead, he’s sleeping_. Young Zeref carried a sleeping boy in his arms, somewhere safe, somewhere where the dragons wouldn’t reach them. Instead of sealing the deceased brother into a casket and burying him, Zeref sealed him into a lacrima and hid him away. Natsu understood these weren’t his memories anymore. They were Zeref’s, intertwined into his subconscious mind. His life had already ended.   
”They called me a prodigy. Even as a child, I was a talented aspiring mage. Before your body started to decompose, I sealed it until I’d find a way to resurrect you.”  
Natsu’s formless ghost floated among the changing sceneries from centuries ago. He followed the dark-haired boy as he grew from a child into a young man. Zeref drowned himself into the study of sorcery. Endless piles of papers, notes and books covered his desk, his shelves, his floor, the underneath of his bed.   
”I was a student in a magic academy at that time. I researched ways to bring a dead person back. I created the R-system and Eclipse, and the god of life and death, Ankhselam noticed my efforts. And punished me. I was cursed… you already know how.”  
Natsu had thought of Zeref as an evil man, but behind that reputation was a bottomless pit of sorrow he had fallen into. Natsu watched as the teachers and other students of the academy dropped dead from straight feet, leaving Zeref all alone to cry for this twisted, horrible fate.  
”I took so many lives against my will. I wanted to die, but I couldn’t. I developed living magic, Etherious, the artificial lifeforms to kill me. As all of them failed, I got this twisted idea which led into your rebirth… I used your sealed body as a base for an Etherious. Maybe someone who had already died would kill me. And so you opened your eyes, not as a human, but as a demon.”  
And the little, pink-haired boy awakened from his long, long sleep. Natsu stared at himself in awe – he had absolutely no memories of his death, of his revival, of any of this. Maybe all of this was just a hallucination his dying brain created. But then Zeref carried his brother to a red dragon. Igneel. _Dad._ The first thing Natsu remembered.  
”I made a deal with Igneel to teach you magic. It all starts with the plan I made with the dragons and the greatest celestial spirit wizard ever lived, Anna Heartfilia.”  
A vision of a blonde woman flashed in front of Natsu. She was knitting a scarf from the dragon’s old, fallen scales, smiling gently. She looked so familiar, so safe. Just like Lucy.  
”We gathered five orphaned children. Gajeel, Wendy, Sting, Rogue and you. Five dragons taught you dragon slayer magic with the purpose to eradicate Acnologia with your foster parents. The dragons were weakened. To heal completely, and prevent you from becoming like Acnologia, the dragons sealed themselves inside the bodies of their foster children and travelled through the Eclipse Gate. Anna Heartfilia was the one who opened the gate. A descendant of their family line would eventually open the gate again. It was Lucy’s mother, Layla, who opened it again. On the 7th of July, X777, you resurfaced in the world.”  
_ That’s the day Igneel disappeared._ Natsu felt his ethereal, nonexistent body ripping apart as he relived the moment of awakening alone in a forest, believing Igneel had left him. From there on, his memories were clear. He joined Fairy Tail. Made friends. Learned more magic. Hoped to reunite with Dad. Such a blissful ignorance those days were.   
Natsu watched as his life passed by in front of his eyes. Countless fights with Erza and Gray. A piggyback ride Gildarts gave to him. The day Happy hatched. Lisanna’s smile. _His smile_, long lost.   
”Meanwhile I waited for you, I found another way to save this world from both me and Acnologia. I had actually two plans in my hands. One with you and one with her. I guess you know who I’m talking about.”  
The guildhall formed into a chasm of abyss in front of him. Natsu could almost hear the eerie howling of the wind. _Never thought there would be a queue for suicide._ A girl in the black, velvet dress. Zeref meant _her. _  
A sudden terror took over him as he remembered how he had gotten into the dark place, as a formless ghost. The endless field of fire. He had led her into her nightmare with his heart open wide. Everything had faded to black, her as well.  
”If you killed me, she would have defeated Acnologia. It’s such a shame you fell in love with her and caused the end of the world as we know it. With her help, I will erase this time, this twisted, failed fate, and you’ll die knowing your love is to blame. Love is nothing but a mistake, Natsu. It’s against its very nature to be anything else than a mistake.”  
Everything shattered into a million little pieces. Haru’s face fractured like ice and withered into the wind, vanished into the vast canyon like a black moth torn apart. Natsu’s body crumbled as well, the whole precipice turned to dust. The whole world decayed as he came to understand what was going on. He had led her into the arms of an enemy, at the cost of _everything._  
”You should have killed me back then”, Zeref said. ”Back then when she woke you up in the middle of the night, begging you to kill me. You should have killed me then.”  
_ Where is she? Where is she!?_  
”She’s in very good hands.”  
_ No. Cannot be. She’s not safe. She’s not safe. _  
”There’s no turning back from here, Natsu. Don’t struggle. Once my story is told, you’ll get some sleep. Eternal sleep.”  
_ NO. Wake up, wake up from this nightmare, now._  
Natsu forced his eyes to open, for the one last time. 

_The next time we meet you’ll be begging my heart to beat._  
Lucy hadn’t known how literal it would be. The hours lingered by so slowly she thought the time had stopped. She had lost count on how many times Natsu’s heart had stopped beating, and how many times they had forced it to beat again. The latest time had been the hardest. It took many long, long minutes until Porlyusica managed to resuscitate him. She had said it was the last time. His body wouldn’t take another cardiac arrest.  
Lucy fondled the scaly, white scarf in her fingers as she sat next to Natsu’s bed. He had a mattress of Gray’s fortified ice underneath him – Wendy’s magic hadn’t worked at all on his injuries, and cooling him down was the only way to slow down the bleeding. He laid so still. So still Lucy thought he was already dead. His bare chest had turned into a field of bruises and a rib or two had surely broken. Black, blue and white formed the palette of his skin. The colours of a corpse.  
She had been the only one who insisted on staying when Natsu’s state finally stabilized, relatively speaking. Porlyusica, Wendy, Gray and even Happy left. They couldn’t stay, but Lucy couldn’t leave. The diagnosis Porlyusica had made was dismal. Something had pierced through Natsu’s insides, severed several veins, small and major, and most concerning of them was the pulmonary haemorrhage. He bled into his lungs and would eventually drown into his own blood. He would die before nightfall. As painful as it was for her, Lucy wanted to be there when he would go.  
There was still no word of _her_. Lucy had realised she hadn’t cared to know her name and hadn’t heard it until now. Haru, was it? It meant spring, while Natsu meant summer. The following seasons. Lucy didn’t know anything about her – Happy had tried to tell, but she had refused to listen. And now she regretted it. Last night Lucy had realized that she and Natsu were never meant to be. Lucy wanted to believe in fate, that something out there controlled the flow of the events on Earth, that everything which happened was already written in the stars. The stars had no faults, made no mistakes. Natsu’s fate was to be with someone else, and so was hers. Lucy wanted to know what kind of a person the stars had chosen for Natsu in her stead.  
But if this, watching Natsu die and not being able to do anything, was fate, Lucy would curse the stars ’til the end of her days. Lucy clutched into his blood-stained scarf as if holding tighter would hold Natsu here as well, on this side of time and space. She wasn’t ready to let go. If fate couldn’t let her have him as a lover, it would at least let her have him as a friend. The way they were supposed to be from the start.   
Lucy’s eyes caught movement. Faint, tiny movements she feared to be another seizure. But they weren’t. Against all expectations, Natsu awakened. She didn’t even know how it was possible. She had heard of a final surge before death. This couldn’t be it. _It couldn’t. _  
”Natsu?” she called quietly.  
The dragonslayer blinked on his iced bed, and traces of consciousness returned into him. Slowly he tilted his head towards the voice and stared at its source, not saying anything.   
Lucy whispered his name again. The whites of Natsu’s eyes had been dyed red with blood, his wide pupils searched for something to focus on. His fingers twitched as they tried to clutch into the ice beneath him, to grasp into something real. Lucy took his hand and like a reflex, his hand curled around hers and pressed it so tight she feared her bones would break. She swallowed the pain and moved her face on line with his to help him get eye-contact, but he couldn’t. But he reacted by gripping her fingers even harder – he was conscious, though hanging on a thread, but he was there. And he was terrified.   
”Lu… cy...” he tried to say, but his voice withered away. A thin trail of black fluid escaped from the corner of his lips. His gaze wandered the edges of her face aimlessly like a newborn's, but he recognised her, maybe from the blond pigtails and blue ribbons tied around them. Lucy felt a knot in her windpipe and the heaviest weight crushing her chest.  
”It’s me, Lucy”, she answered calmly. ”Don’t speak. You’re wounded, but you’ll -”  
”No”, he interrupted as if he had gained little strength. ”I’ll… die...”  
Lucy shook her head.  
”No, Natsu, you’ll make it, we’re sure -”  
”There’s nothing… you can do… to save me...”  
”Natsu -”  
”Where’s... she?”  
Lucy swallowed – and it felt like consuming a bunch of needles. Lucy didn’t know where Haru was. No-one else knew either.  
”She’s safe”, Lucy lied. It had never been so painful to lie. ”She… She got some minor wounds, but she’s being treated, too. She’s in the other room.”  
The lie comforted him. Most of the terror in his eyes melted away.  
”Take me to her.”  
”I’m sorry, but… I can’t. You have to stay here.”  
Lucy didn’t explain why, but he didn't argue any further. Natsu closed his eyes and sighed in frustration and sorrow.  
”I wanted to say… that I’m sorry… I didn’t know… I’ll die… and break the promise… I’ll break so many promises...”  
”It’s okay", Lucy whispered and placed her other hand on his, stroking his cold fingers. "It's... It's okay."  
”Lucy… Zeref must not have her… keep her safe from him, okay?”  
She nodded, tried her hardest to hide her lies. She hated it, but couldn’t afford to tell the truth. Natsu’s already wrecked body wouldn’t take it, not to even speak about his mind.   
”And… is it too much to ask from you...”  
”You can ask me anything, Natsu.”  
”Tell her that I was happy to know her”, he whispered. ”And don’t let her be lonely again. I know you’d get along. You both like books… and writing… so please, Lucy… try to be a friend to her…”   
”Okay”, she answered quietly. She wanted to cry. ”I’ll try.”  
”And you”, he continued with his last strength. ”I was happy to have known you, too.”  
His fingers loosened around hers and one by one let go, as one last goodbye. As Natsu lost his consciousness again, Lucy let the tears pour down. 

Lucy’s face faded away, but Natsu could still feel her tiny fingers in his hand for a moment before his body withered into the nothingness once again. The darkness didn’t scare him any more. He had already died once and hadn’t suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. But he remembered this place now – the realm where pain couldn’t exist.   
”I already introduced your past to you”, Zeref’s voice echoed in the nothingness. But now, instead of resisting, fighting back, not believing, Natsu let his words in. There was nothing left to lose anyway. ”We don’t have much time left, my brother. I wanted to talk to you more.”  
Natsu welcomed another vision. Lisanna’s death, Future Lucy’s death, Igneel’s death, everything led him to that cliff. His memories continued forward from there, explored Haru’s face, the bodies he set afire in that village. He revisited the fireballs shot towards her, her slit wrists and the flames poured into her open wounds. The hospital and the warmth he had grown addicted to, the warmth he’d never feel again. And the damn nightmares. The aggression. The red haze. Her lifeless body in his arms. The way she woke him up from a bad dream and assured him everything was okay.  
”You were destined to fall into the darkness, Natsu. Your negative emotions fueled the demon’s wrath, and the little boy inside you was the one who wanted to die. You wanted to exterminate yourself before losing control and hurting someone. I never calculated that option. But the little boy within has grown weaker, smaller. You sensed it, didn’t you? Just look at your body. The demon needed a tremendous amount of energy you failed to deliver… and it ate you up from inside.”  
Natsu relived the one morning at the inn, Haru commenting on his shrunken shape with a worried tone. Maybe she knew all along what he was, but wasn’t afraid, didn’t turn away. And that night in the dark, empty bathtub, with bleeding knuckles and an aura of hatred, Natsu had realised it – there were people in this world lonely enough to love the devil.  
”Is it easier for you to understand in numbers? At this point, you were maybe at 90 percent of the required 100 you’d need to kill me. You used Igneel’s power to get that 10 percent of power. She managed to stop the process, didn’t she? At 100 the demon would have taken over for good.”  
The visions passed by and the end didn’t come slow enough. After Lucy’s face, he ran out of memories, and then it was dark. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. From the darkness formed the future he had escaped. The things which would have been. The violence, the bloodlust. The demon’s final form, his every nightmare turned true. The whole world set on fire, his hands cradling the bloody corpse of a dead lover. Natsu smiled, even though he didn’t have the lips to smile with. The flame of a disaster had been suffocated, dimmed right on time. He would never need to withstand that kind of horror. He'd leave knowing he was loved and cherished, he'd leave before staining their memories of him in blood. He was ready to leave. _Happy_ to leave.   
”Why are you smiling, brother?”  
_I got to die as myself._  
_ I got to die as Natsu. _  
Then, a small, blinding light ignited somewhere at the edge of his perfect, soft darkness. It burst like the brightest star, revived the fire into his lungs, refused to let his flame dim away. It grabbed him from the throat and dragged him from the eye of the night, twisted the fabrics of fate, and forced him headfirst into the inevitable, damned future. And he recognised the light. The light of the moon.  
_Haru... what have you done?_


	22. WORTHLESS WORLD

_”Would have followed you down to the depths of hell_  
_And saved you from these flames_  
_Built a bridge over this dark world _  
_that we have created.”_  
Swallow the Sun – 10 silver bullets 

Suddenly, the world was cold.  
The flames had died down and the smoke had dissolved. She felt frozen inside as if someone had thrown her into a frigid river, to the mercy of the raging currents. The waters smashed her tiny body against the rocky shores, pulled her head under the surface and she couldn’t breathe. With lungs filled with water instead of flames, she drowned, slowly. Someone grabbed her from the nape of the neck like a mother cat picks up her kittens. Someone with a familiar, potent perfume. The scent she had grown to hate.   
”And so the little runaway has returned”, the female voice said. ”Not that I really missed you much.”  
Shaken away from her dream, she flinched at the scarlet shades in front of her as she awakened. Long, thick braids of sanguine hair and the wicked smile. _Mother_. Such a repulsive reunion. Mother let go of her chin and she fell powerless to the ground as if something had drained all the strength from her muscles. The black web of Zeref’s sorcery or the absence of Natsu's fire, maybe both of them combined left her completely powerless._ Frozen. _  
She examined her surroundings. A wooden floor, a woven carpet, a floral tapestry at the walls. A bed, a desk and a few bookshelves tucked into the small room. She heard distant humming from below. Light shone somewhere behind her, the day of the light – a window. She tilted towards the light and saw nothing but clouds through the foggy glass. _Airship_, her initial thought. One of Zeref's airships of war. Judging from the decorations of the room, it was the leading one.   
”Natsu failed to kill Zeref, thanks to you", Mother spoke. "I still haven’t decided a suitable punishment for causing all this inconvenience. I never thought someone could actually be_ stupid_ enough to love you.”  
”Where’s he?” Haru asked, her voice quiet and weak. Her heart flooded with worry. Had Happy managed to take him into someplace safe?   
Mother didn’t care. She grabbed her from the wrist and pulled down her sleeve, exposing her scars as well as her guildmark. Mother smiled malevolently and slapped her to the face. Haru dropped to the floor again.   
”So you went and joined a guild”, she grinned. ”Too bad it will be annihilated, and soon. And you're the only blame. All you can do is watch as your so-called friends die screaming, cursing your name.”   
Haru glanced at her arms, the white guildmark, barely visible. It had been there for just _one_ day. Chains held her wrists together – chains of seal stone, a reason behind her fatigue. She tried to summon her magic of disenchantment, but couldn’t reach it. The damn stones blocked the bridge.   
Mother lifted her chin and slapped her again. Her cheek stung, in an old familiar way. She stared Mother right into the eyes. The nonexistence of empathy made her shiver. She had grown used to it lately. Dependent on it.   
”I'm disappointed in you, April.”  
”It’s not my name”, she hissed. ”Not anymore. April was the name of a weapon. Haru is the name of a _person_ I am.”  
Mother snorted. ”Haru was the name of the vile kitten I killed. A mere weapon is everything you’ll ever be. Thought you’d understand that by now. You have no value as a _person_.”  
Haru spat on her mother’s face, smiling. How long had she wanted to do that? Rage inflamed in Mother’s eyes, a rage which a slap wouldn’t be enough to satisfy. Mother prepared her hand for another strike infused with magic, but the door opened behind her raised fist.  
”Don’t do that, Irene”, Zeref said. Shivers ran down Haru's spine. The black wizard had fully healed from the battle, even his hair had grown back. He lacked only the silver pendant around his neck. ”She has been hurt enough already.”  
”Maybe”, Mother answered and withdrew from her. ”Still not as much as she deserves.”  
”You should go now.”  
Zeref was the only one who possessed some authority over Mother. Her last glance said _we’ll finish up later_, and then she was gone. Zeref closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bed. Haru pushed herself into a more comfortable position. Each of her limbs weighed a ton.  
”Where’s Natsu?” she asked again.  
”You don't want to know where you are, or how you got here?"  
"It doesn't matter. Where is he?"  
"Dying somewhere", Zeref answered. "You had no idea, didn't you?"  
She shook her head in deep disbelief. _E.N.D... that’s a masterpiece no-one can ever surpass. Zeref poured all his genius into it, to kill an immortal being... It’s the work of a god._ She had said that herself. And at that very moment, she had been right in the demon’s arms, in perfect oblivious grace. She had held his hand, sobbed against his chest, fallen asleep in his warmth and awakened to his smile.   
But the signs had been there all the time, in front of her very eyes, but she had been blind. She should have known no human would bear magic that mighty. His fear of becoming too powerful didn't come from nothing - she should have known that, too. _Back then I said that I'm not that which I fight, but what if I am?_ Damn it, even he had known. All the time.   
Everything made more sense than she wanted to. Her dragon had been a demon in disguise.   
It took all her strength to stay up. The seal stones stole a part of her power, but the revealed truth drained her mind empty as well. It drained her dreams which had kept her going. She quivered, closed her eyes to prevent the tears from falling.   
”You shouldn’t be sad. You’ll get to meet him again soon", Zeref said, reading her like an open book. "We were supposed to save my brother, the beginning and the end of everything, after all. What you had, the man you knew was nothing but a shadow of my brother.”  
Her feelings crystallized into ice within her chest. ”But how did you resurrect him? How can Natsu be your brother and the E.N.D? You always taught me that no magic can reverse death.”  
”Oh, I never finished that line. No magic can reverse death _without_ a great price. I've paid the price a hundred times more than what it was initially _worth_. I doomed my happy little brother into a lifetime of agony when I brought him back as a demon. The things he lost when he died as a human couldn’t be salvaged. He would never enjoy the feeling of a summer breeze in his hair, he would never love a woman, never have children of his own, never grow old with wisdom in his heart and die cherishing each moment he was alive. He’d never be truly happy again. All of that is lost. I revived him for _nothing_ but my own death, the most selfish thing in the world.”  
Haru shook her head again.   
”You don’t know”, she whispered. ”You don’t know him. He doesn’t live for nothing. He_ can_ be happy. We talked of a future -”  
”Future is seldom what we thought it would be. Especially in his case. Falling into the darkness was his ultimate fate. He would have killed me and destroyed everyone on the way of killing me. Then his story would have come to a close. That’s what awaited for him. But he’s released from all of it by now. He’ll be dead by sunset. We would say mercy has occurred.”  
Haru had known that, too. The shadow followed him, ate him up, but there had been little sparks of hope. As long as there was some light in his life, he wouldn't fall. She was certain.   
”I would have been his light."  
Zeref stayed quiet for a while, analyzing her denial.   
”There’s this one thing you’ve failed to understand. You can love a monster, and the monster can even love you back, but love doesn't change its nature. You’re allowed to have him, _love_ him, but it’s not enough. You’re allowed to watch the night swallow him whole, welcome his wrath when he begins to change, lick your wounds when he hurts you again, and count the lights in his eyes as they blink out - you’re not allowed to save him. Not in this life. Not in this world. No light in this world can cast away the darkness within him.”  
Zeref gave her a satchel and opened the chain between her wrists. Strength returned to her limbs, slowly, but her mind remained as powerless and drained by despair.  
”But in _another_ world”, the black wizard sighed, ”you might have a chance. The Natsu you know is already dead, for the final time. You have no threads to keep you here. Come with me and save him, like you were supposed to do all along. I hope this little detour stripped you from your doubts. Release this world from me, Acnologia, your mother, and you’ll have_ him_ as a reward.”  
Haru opened the bag: it contained a black, heavy tome – the book of E.N.D. A photo slipped from between the pages, a photo she had seen before. The young, happy Natsu smiling alongside with his brother. A copy of it had been in Zeref's pendant.   
”We’ll make it come true”, Zeref said. ”Come with me and you’ll have a real, living friend instead of a shadow.”  
Then he left the room, leaving the words echoing into her head.   
  
Natsu lied so still.   
The little movements his body made, the slow struggled inhales and the twitches of his fingers thinned out over time. Lucy counted seconds in between his breaths. It had been so long since the previous one. Had he passed already? Lucy bent forward, pressed her ear on his chest, and heard a heartbeat. So slow, so exhausted. It wouldn’t take long.   
Lucy took his hand, powerless and limp. There was no response. She stayed like that, even though his skin was cold against her cheek – the little pumping sound was the only sign of life. She didn’t want to stare at a corpse while he still lived.  
The light of the day faded, as slowly as his heartbeat. Maybe an hour left and the sun would go down, and for Natsu, it would never rise again. Lucy peered at the back of her right hand while opening and closing her fingers around Natsu’s. Her guildmark was the same shade with Natsu’s hair, for he had been the one who got her into the guild and changed her life. They had had so much fun together, through good and bad. The happiness she had once felt seemed like a distant memory.  
”I wanted to have more adventures”, she whispered, hoping Natsu would hear. She got no response. His heart stayed quiet for so long, only to manage a faint, aching beat. It put her into an understanding that the adventures would carry on without him from there. Lucy pressed his hand and closed her eyes. The guildmark faded into darkness.  
”It’s okay. You can go now. You’re tired, there’s no need to fight anymore. Go, sleep now”, she said, and the pain in her throat forced her to pause - the pain of breaking into tears she tried to hold back. ”I love you, Natsu. You’re loved in so many ways, by so many people. You can go now.”  
Half a minute of silence, then a little _bump_. Thirty-five seconds,_ bump_. Forty, _bump_. Forty-five, _knock knock_. Lucy startled, raised her head and the door opened. Gray stepped in.  
”Oh, you’re still here”, the ice wizard said. ”Does he live?”  
Lucy nodded, unable to speak, but Gray read from her face that the time was running out. He closed the door and took a seat next to Lucy. Gray leaned into his elbows, locked his gaze on the dying dragon. His chin shivered.   
”Do you want to have a moment alone with him?” Lucy asked. ”To say good-bye.”  
”Stay, Lucy”, he answered. ”It’s good to be by someone who loved him as much as I did.”  
Lucy smiled gently. It pained her how Gray already spoke in past term.  
”He was like a brother to me", the ice mage whispered. "Damn it. I’m really going to miss having someone to fight with. And the damn insults. Ice brain, droopy eyes, pervert... This flame brain had some verbal talent.”  
His voice withered away. The man who so rarely cried shed tears now. Lucy embraced him – she shared his sorrow all the same. Gray answered her hug, a bit hesitant at first as if he had to look over his shoulder to check Juvia wasn’t there. One funeral was already too much. Gray sobbed against her but forced himself back together. He pushed apart and dried his eyes.  
”Didn’t anyone else want to come?" Lucy asked. "Erza, Juvia, Gajeel, doesn’t anyone else want to -”  
”Everyone is preparing for the battle. Warren’s radars noticed some enemy activity coming from west and south. They’re setting up defences, evacuating Magnolia, connecting other guilds. But I wanted to see him one last time.”  
Lucy had almost forgotten the upcoming battle.   
”Natsu was briefly conscious a few hours ago”, Lucy said. The hours felt like years. ”He asked where she is… and I couldn’t tell him the truth. I just couldn’t.”  
”Haru hasn’t come back. We’re assuming the worst by now”, Gray answered. ”Zeref got her. And it’s bad.”   
Lucy gulped. _Zeref must not have her, keep her safe._  
”What does Zeref want from her anyway?”  
”She was Zeref’s apprentice. Erza told me everything”, Gray explained. ”She’s a wielder of extremely dangerous magic and Zeref is going to use it to his own means, to aid in ending the world as we know it.”  
Lucy didn’t comprehend. She hadn’t sensed any magic power on her – the girl had been invisible, like a cloud of fog disappearing at morning rise. But then she realized it. While Natsu radiated ultimate, peerless strength all around him, _hiding_ such magic would be a great advantage. Surprising the enemies was one of the primordial concepts of prevailing any battle.  
”Did Natsu say anything else?” Gray asked. ”We’ve been trying to figure out what happened to him.”  
Natsu hadn't said much, and Lucy doubted any of it would help. ”He said he’s sorry that he’ll die and break so many promises, that he didn’t know.”  
”Didn’t know what?”  
”I have no idea. Maybe that Zeref was so powerful.”  
Gray sunk deep into his thoughts.  
”Maybe not that”, he said. ”Mest explored Happy’s memories and found a disturbing detail. Zeref held the book of E.N.D, the one Tartaros had and tried to resurrect… and it had been pierced from the middle. I came to think that… It’s not possible, but I...”  
”What do you mean?”  
”I have to check one thing.”  
Black figures appeared on Gray’s arm as he moved it above Natsu’s head and chest. It was the devil slaying magic he had learned. Gray examined the dragonslayer’s body with it, and then his eyes widened.  
”It’s true”, he gasped. ”Natsu isn’t a human.”  
Lucy blinked rapidly.  
”I made a promise to my father to defeat E.N.D… How could I have known that demon was my dearest friend all along?”  
She looked at Natsu, the black and white and blue bundle which remained of him, and remembered the hell she had seen in his eyes last night.   
”Are you sure?” she stuttered.  
”Natsu’s wounds are strange. There’s no input or exit. If some damage occurs to the book of Zeref’s demons, they suffer as well. Zeref burned Mard Geer’s book to ashes, and so the demon ceased to exist. Nothing works on Natsu’s wounds because the injury is actually in the _book_.”  
”But he couldn’t possibly be that demon -”  
”Etherious Natsu Dragneel. He is.”  
”Even Igneel couldn’t defeat it -”  
”Because Igneel loved him. He could have killed Natsu off like a fly when he was a kid but refused to. Out of love. Back at Tartaros, Igneel asked Natsu to salvage that book, while I wanted to destroy it. It all makes sense now.”  
”So that’s why Zeref challenged Natsu into a battle, so he could finally die. But if Natsu would have won...”  
”… he would have died with Zeref", Gray sighed. "He would have died _anyway_.”

_It wouldn’t be him. _  
Haru held the picture in her trembling hands. There was no bargaining with fate – you could either accept it or crumble under its weight. She knew it, but refused to believe how things truly were and how they would always be. The little, pink-haired boy with a wide smile was gone._ Dead_. And the only way to get him back was the way they were supposed to prevent. Her dreams fell apart like a destroyed moon raining stone and dust to the earth and left the night so dark.  
_It wouldn’t be him._ Torn between two tides, that’s what she told herself. It wouldn’t be him, it wouldn’t be the same, it wouldn’t be the Natsu she knew. It was the darkness which kept them together. Using Fairy Heart to fulfil Zeref's plan wouldn't bring her Natsu back. And that brought her into the greatest despair.   
_ And now I think... this is the world where we met. Together we can kill Acnologia and Zeref. There’s no need to reverse this time. To reverse this world._  
Reversing the time would be the only way they could be together now. Natsu had died, would have died anyway upon that conclusion. Zeref’s death meant his death. _There’s no tomorrow for me, no future._ Natsu had shown her the future. And now he was gone, and she was alone. And Fairy Heart should never be released into the world, no matter what.   
_Living in a world without you would be living in a worthless world. _  
She laid the picture down and opened the black book. Fifteen years ago she had held the same book in her hands, had it been early July of X777. _It cannot be known when that demon will appear again. It might be today._ And it had been. She had read Natsu’s book only a moment before he arrived in this era. Back then, the letters were asleep, but now they looked different. They radiated his power, comforting her with a familiar warmth, vibrated with life.  
_Life._   
Haru examined the book more precisely, and a spark of hope awakened within her. He was still alive. Faintly, but fairly. Each page missed words from the middle, right where Zeref’s magic had erased them. She knew what it meant. It meant the same thing as cutting random parts from a persons’ genetics, the building blocks of their bodies. She read the lines and inferred the missing words – and understood Natsu wouldn’t live long with these injuries. She turned another page. A piece of his pulmonary artery was gone, a part of his lungs, liver, even brains, minds and memories. Every part of his being missed something and sheer luck determined _how significant._  
Natsu’s life was literally in her hands. Zeref had no need for the book, not anymore.   
_ If I only had a pen I’d fix him, if I only - _  
She _had. _  
Early this morning, she had written a new entry in her journal, and unknowingly tucked the pen into the small pocket of her dress. She had acted under bizarre precognition, and now that absent-mindedness became advantageous. Haru reached for her pocket and yes, the pen was still there, sheltered by the fire-resistant fabric. As she originally got it from Zeref’s workshop, it should work.  
She riffled to the pages embodying the most vital parts, heart and lungs, chose the most crucial injury and placed the pen on the paper. Her magic flowed through her fingertips into the ink, and as she drew the first symbol into the empty place, the book’s magic backslashed on her as well. Natsu’s magic, Zeref’s greatest work, the work of a god. It _burned_, stung.  
_ I’m not as good as Zeref but I’ll save him, no matter what._  
She filled the gap on the page. The rewritten symbols shimmered, then dimmed as they became part of the book. With fire in her fingers, she turned another page, fixed it as well – she knew exactly what to write. Starting from the gravest wounds she proceeded into the minor ones. Some parts were harder to remember than others, but after a moment of thinking, the symbols came to her. Pain crawled in her veins, the burning fire, the price she had to pay.  
_ It doesn't matter how much it hurts, you're my friend, and I refuse to let you go. _  
The room around her vanished, the humming of the airship’s motor silenced. The book of E.N.D was the only existing thing in her world. It captivated her, captured her mind, raged its dying hell within her body as the pain spread and spread and spread with every symbol she drew. As if they became_ one. _  
Fracture by fracture, rupture by rupture, crack by crack, she repaired him. Resurrected him, twisted the threads of his fate once more. She refused to believe in fate. Such a thing couldn’t exist. She didn’t allow it to exist if it would mean being alone once again. For their future, for the bond they shared, she stood against the stormwinds of death and chased it away.  
The book fell from her hands when she was done. Exhausted, she collapsed to the floor as if each cell on her body was ablaze. Writing a book of a demon meant surrendering into its power – it became you and you became it. But Natsu’s fire in her was just too much. It clouded her vision, her thoughts. All clarity disappeared from her sight as she lost herself into the inferno of these flames, the insane pain of being burned alive by a fire which only _hurt_, but didn't _harm. _  
_ This is the wrath Natsu has to live with._  
Haru raised her hands in front of her eyes and ignited a little fire on her palm. A small, faint flame fluttered like candlelight. Her body was too small for the demon's wrath to be contained, her hands too unfamiliar to handle these flames. She tucked the book, the photo, and the pen back into the satchel, tossed it on her shoulder and stood up.   
And then the wildfire of Natsu’s rage escaped through her. 

The sun set.  
It truly set no matter what Lucy tried to do. She didn’t have the power to keep it over the horizon. The darkness fell into the world and as the room began to dim, she and Gray decided the time had come to say goodbye. Lucy held her fingers on Natsu’s wrist, trying to find a pulse, and as minutes had passed in silence, Gray shook his head. Natsu looked so peaceful, smiling almost. Serene and happy, free from his torments. Finally.   
Lucy let his hand go and rose up. She wrapped Igneel’s scarf back on his shoulders, right where it belonged. That way he looked a bit more like himself, the way Lucy remembered. Pink hair, white scarf, and a smile.   
”Godspeed, Natsu”, she whispered before turning away, not looking back. A warm air surged towards her as she opened the door and walked out, Gray following right behind her. She hadn't even realised how cold Natsu's room had been. Lucy held her breath, and when she heard the sound of Gray closing the door, her whole chest ripped apart. She collapsed to the floor and screamed, wailed from the bottom of her soul.  
Gray took her into his arms, as sorrowful and sombre as her. Tied together by a ribbon of collective mourning, Lucy clung into him, clinging into something real to grasp on. Natsu, the one who could never lose and die, was gone. What would the world be from there on but worthless?  
Time stopped at the sunset as if the night would never pass again.   
Lucy heard steps. A door shrieked. Violent sobs shook her whole body – turning her head towards the voice had never been so hard. She felt how Gray stopped breathing. And through a blurred vision, she saw a thin, frail figure standing at the doorway. The colours of black, blue and white. Pink hair and white scarf. The sight chased away all the sanity Lucy had left in her.   
"Where is she?" Natsu asked. 


	23. LUNAR ECLIPSE 1/2

_"Drown me down to your abyss_  
_Blind my eyes with your blades_  
_I drag you with me into these flames_  
_And all that remains_  
_Are ashes_  
_Of phantoms_  
_Of fears"_  
Swallow the Sun – Firelights

Zeref gazed at the airships set ablaze like stars on the night sky, one by one. He smiled. Crimson flames devoured the wooden ships from her way, gasoline exploded and another ship came crumbling down.   
”Everything is proceeding as I planned”, the black wizard said to the woman by his side. Irene didn’t appear as happy. She had wanted to torment her daughter some more, despite Zeref assuring her _this_ was enough torture for her. A small flaming dot jumped from one ship to another, using the fire as a booster to carry her over the distance as naturally as she'd always wielded this power.  
The wind danced in Irene’s scarlet braids when another blast sent air forward. ”Removing the seal stones and giving her E.N.D's book was reckless. So many things could have gone wrong.”  
Zeref knew. ”But it turned out as I expected. I know her better than you do, after all. I knew she’d try to fix that book, and at what cost.”  
”Are you sure she won’t destroy herself for the sake of saving him? Or that she’ll find your route to the west forest, and back to the guild? Your plan seems incomplete to me.”  
To the black wizard, that sounded a bit like the maternal instinct of protecting the offspring. Sometimes Irene appeared as contradictory as him. Zeref wondered if she worried over the wellbeing of her daughter or losing her plaything.   
”I have no doubts”, Zeref said. He had absolute trust in the plan. ”My brother’s power has clouded her mind, indeed, but her only goal is to reunite with him. She’ll find a way. The bond of shared darkness is a special kind of a bond."  
Zeref's smile faded. He had once shared that kind of a bond, too.   
_Once. _

Lucy trembled helplessly, out of breath. Feeling lightheaded, she stared at Natsu, a man who had been dead a moment ago. _Dead_, yet there he stood.   
”Where is she?” he repeated. ”You told me she’d be here.”  
Natsu’s bloodshot eyes locked with hers. Lucy’s chin shivered too much for her to form words, yet his gaze demanded an answer. Pressuring, extorting, the silent seconds which crawled forward told the truth in her stead. Lucy paralyzed in fear as Natsu’s aura changed from bright to black in a split second, tense as a string about to snap apart at any moment. Getting caught from a lie had never been so terrifying.   
Gray gathered his courage and stood up. ”Zeref got her”, he let out honestly.   
Natsu peered down. Colour returned slowly to his skin, but the bruises remained on his chest, revealed by the open coat. Natsu tucked it closed, hiding the marks of death under a black cloth – a surrogated gesture for the rage he tried to keep at bay.  
”Liar”, he muttered to Lucy. A lone, angry word spat out like poison. His hands quivered and his eyes inflamed in blame as he raised them to face Lucy. She felt so small and fragile, unsafe like a child about to be beaten. His gaze encapsulated her in a cocoon of despair and hopelessness, where tomorrow seemed so uncertain.   
Never would have she believed Natsu would make her fear for her life, but now he did.   
”Lucy is innocent in all of this”, Gray snapped, noticing the way Natsu’s fury was about to explode at her. ”I won’t let you hurt her.”  
Natsu released Lucy from his condemning, murderous stare and looked at Gray instead, without uttering a single word. One wrong move, one wrong word and the string would just snap.  
”Calm down, Natsu”, the ice wizard insisted softly, carefully as if he was facing an outraged dragon instead of his friend. ”Calm down, we will get her back safe -”  
Laying a hand on the dragonslayer’s shoulder was a mistake.   
”You fucking touch me I will rip you apart”, Natsu snarled and whacked off Gray’s hand. But then he turned and walked away from the infirmary, and slammed the door shut so furiously it plunged off from its hinges.   
Gray and Lucy exchanged panicked gazes, listening to the fading steps.  
”We’re fucked”, Gray declared.

Natsu stretched his arms, opened and closed his fingers which burned as blood returned to the dead cold tissue. His legs felt stiff and weak, but they carried him towards the guildhall all the same. Air ran free and clear in his lungs, the blood didn’t gag his windpipe anymore, but the damn pain in his chest hadn’t left anywhere. Every nerve on his body lit up from the electricity of life and hurt like hell. Being resurrected from the doors of death _sucked._   
He glanced at himself from the window’s reflection and felt nothing, but understood Lucy’s reaction. People who rose from their graves weren’t pretty by any means, and neither was he. The outlooks alone wouldn't be so scary, but the knowledge the dead held frightened the living. The dead had been_ there_, after all. They knew things the living did not.  
His blood boiled more than ever. Once before he had stood on the edge and _almost_ dove in, and that alone had changed him. He had continued his existence in a borrowed time, in a world made from ashes and fragile glass. It might have been what they called a near-death experience, but this time there was nothing near about it, it was there. He had crossed the threshold no-one was supposed to return from. Again. He had passed through the interval of darkness and now the world was nothing but fragments of a thousand mirrors reflecting the picture of the one who dragged him back from _there._  
Visions of the lost future flashed in front of his eyes as he walked through the halls which connected the guild and the infirmary. During his death, he had seen the things which would be. Though he remembered only shards of them, the shards were enough to pierce through his heart and make him bleed into his core. He'd never want that to happen. He'd never _let_ that happen.  
_ As long as I have her by my side I’m not going to turn._  
_ I’m not going to turn, I’m not going to - _  
The thought awakened the painful realization of her absence from his side. The demons screamed, shrieked like a horde of angry goblins from an old fantasy book. Violent thoughts intruded his mind, of death and corruption and the damn anger he couldn’t satisfy. And now he knew the reason. All this anger was supposed to accumulate on the final blow he’d land on Zeref. It was a feral desire encoded in him, impossible to resist. Only killing his brother would put him to peace.  
_ No, she brings me peace as well. I have to find her._  
_ I must find her, I must find -_  
He looked into the window’s mirror again. Scales crackled on his chalk-white skin. His body called dragonforce without the regard of his mind, upon the command of something else. Without her, the demon roamed inside of him, aching to take over and get free from the cell of his humanity. Lucy's lies or Gray's threats didn't matter at all, since resolving them would steal minutes away from the little time he had left. They were insignificant.   
Natsu sprinted through the hallway, avoiding the mirrors like plague, the reminders of the time which was about to come to an end.  
_I’m still me. I’m still Natsu._  
_ I must not be apart from her or I will -_  
Slamming the guildhall’s backdoor open, he turned the heads of each and everyone towards him. And how he hated the grave silence which fell every time he appeared as if the reaper himself had come to pay a visit. But gladly the damn pity had disappeared from their eyes, replaced with a look which said _you’re supposed to be dead._ Master Makarov failed to hide his awe, too. Natsu knew Makarov had known. He knew everything now, every truth behind every secret behind every lie.  
”Does any of you know where Haru is?” Natsu asked, still at the doorway.   
Mavis was the only one who answered.  
”We detected an unknown anomaly destroying the enemy units in the west. It might be her.”  
Natsu took a look on the radar as he passed through the hall. _That's her_, he thought, grinning. Everyone made way for him and kept a distance, everyone except Mavis. The dark aura surrounding him wouldn't hurt her astral body.  
"Be careful, Natsu", Mavis whispered to him, so quietly only he could hear.   
On his way, he grabbed the black cloak he had left there – it had passed with him since the hunting cabin. It brought him security through memories as if a part of her had been imbued into the very fabric. The stains of her blood were still there, woven somewhere into the black yarn.  
Natsu dressed into the coat as he left the guildhall on the search for her, facing the night eye to eye, racing against time.  
  
The absence of the stars and the moon transformed the sky into an abyss.   
Cold winter air nibbled his cheeks as he stared into the darkened town. The people were gone, no lights shimmered in their windows. All he had in front of him was the abyss, familiar in a strange way. He stood on the doorstep of the guild and took a step into nothingness. The ground was there, invisible and black. It was still there after the next step and another, unlike back then.  
Natsu stopped for a moment as he felt the weight of the metal in the coat’s pocket. He shoved his hand there and found the sheathed blade, a reminder of a future he’d never want to see. Slightly opening the sheath, he glanced at the sharp silver and soothed his finger over the ancient ornaments. _Father_. He remembered everything now, recalled the family he had lost. The world felt so small, and four hundred years so short.   
And as the very same blade his father had carved him toys with had sliced the skin of the one he loved, Natsu felt like there was some sort of order in the chaos. He was sure she had fixed the book. There was no other way he could have survived. She had refused to let him go. He adjusted the sheath on his belt and raised his eyes to the west, where grey smoke contrasted against the black skies.  
Natsu ran through the streets of empty Magnolia, his legs still aching from the loss of life. Each cell of his body was so confused – even his own building blocks said _you’re supposed to be dead._ The death had awakened it, Natsu knew. The demon's rage grew inside him with each step he took. His _own_ rage he could not restrain much longer.   
_ I'm a human, I can still be a human, I know._  
_ Please don't be afraid of me when I find you. _  
_ It's not too late for me. _  
Natsu smelled the ashes the fire dragon had left in his wake when he finally arrived at the west forest. The events of today seemed like images from a different life when he had still soared through the skies as a dragon – and awakened in this world as a demon. With eyes adjusted to the darkness, he observed the demolished forest, the smoking ruins of life. He felt her near but failed to see her. The _demon_ knew she was near.  
He walked on slowly, carefully stepping over the fallen, charred trees. A familiar magical power lingered in the air behind him. Following the sensation, Natsu turned around and stopped. A sphere of Zeref’s black sorcery appeared from nothingness, started as a small dot in the night and enlarged into the size of a human. A human smaller than Zeref. Outlines of a dress formed from the magic as it transferred Haru from the place she had been.   
Natsu froze. Against his expectation, he couldn’t do anything. He waited until Zeref’s magic disappeared, had it been a wormhole or teleport or something, he wasn’t sure if she was real or a dream. She seemed asleep. She rose slowly from the crouched position, straightened her back, gazed around. The clouds parted and the moon shone its light on Earth. As the rays reflected on Natsu’s pale face and white scarf, she recognised him.   
And when she ran to him unafraid, Natsu was convinced it wasn’t a dream.   
Humanity returned to him and the pain melted away as he wrapped his arms around her and pressed his face into her hair, into the scent of spring, life, a second chance.   
”I thought I lost you”, she whispered, her voice like the softest music to calm his tormented mind. One by one, the visions of violence faded, the abyss brightened up and the demons crawled back to their hiding places, hissing at the light which burnt their scales. Natsu could feel her magic now as if fixing the book had broken the boundaries between them. Her magic, magic which had left its mark on his core upon the very first touch - and now Natsu understood why he had attracted to her like a moth drawn to a flame.  
It had been E.N.D which attracted to equal power. Even the demons searched for someone who'd walk beside them on the endless, dark road, forever.  
And his search was over. 

Natsu pushed her gently apart from him so he could see her face. He ran his fingers over the red mark on her cheek, feeling pain worse than dying.   
”Who did this?” he asked.   
”Mother”, she answered. ”It’s nothing -”  
”I’ll kill her for that.”  
”I’d be much obliged, but that’s my kill. Not yours.”  
Natsu smiled.  
”You look terrible”, she said.   
”Maybe because I like, died, for example.”  
”I know.”   
They gazed at each other wondering if they were dreaming or both dead – nothing felt real in any terms. There wasn’t supposed to be this kind of serenity at the verge of a war which would end the world.   
”You saved me, again”, Natsu said. ”Why, even though you know what I am: the vilest, most powerful demon from the books of Zeref?”  
The magic lingering around her felt like home, like a part of himself within her power. But there was so much pain in her she tried to hide - Natsu couldn't even imagine how hard it had been for her. However, it brought him satisfaction at the same time. One would only do that kind of an insane act out of love.   
”Because saving you has been my purpose, all this time, from the beginning of everything”, she answered. ”And because when I let the sun go down, the night falls on me, too, and I can’t go back to the dark I’ve once escaped. The moon can’t cast any light on its own. It only reflects the light of the sun, shimmers back its rays for the ones who travel through the night, a reminiscent of a day -”  
She paused as Natsu cupped her cheeks, tracing her skin with his thumbs. The moon glimmered in her dark eyes, with emotion so polished and perfected and pure, contrary to the rough, unpoetical feeling Natsu had in his chest. It was unrefined gratitude for her existence he couldn’t verbally express, a matter of fact it was impossible to describe with any other word than_ belonging. _  
And from her light, Natsu had found more than just a second chance: serenity of silence as his demons stopped screaming and bowed down in humble acceptance of defeat. He clung to that thread of hope, with a painful awareness of knowing what letting go would mean: an endless downward spiral right into the depths of hell. He wouldn’t let go. Ever again.  
Natsu looked into her eyes, basking in the reflection of the moon. Haru continued quietly: ”And because without the sun, the moon is just a cold, lifeless sphere of rock floating through space, a lost satellite, a target for the comets to impact on, to crumble down into nothingness. Just as I was before we met. _Nothing._”  
It was the frontier, as far as words alone could pass. And as a clear calling from his inner nature, Natsu pulled her closer and shattered the poem, the beautiful secrecy, by pressing his lips on hers. A touch so gentle it barely existed, but strong enough to send cascades of timeless wonder through the night. He felt how she closed her eyes, tied her arms around him and paused her breath. She abandoned the poem and just answered the kiss, the raw physical embodiment for the thing they both felt and knew – love, the most primordial essence of all magic.   
The nocturnal ruins of the forest were quiet as the light disappeared into the shadows. The moon collided with her sun, eclipsed by the fire of its core. Clutching his fingers in her soft skin, he held her tighter, kept her from vanishing as well. For one moment, one tiny moment he held eternity in his hands.  
Demons they might have both been, harbingers of doom in their own context, but they were angels in each other's stories.  
_Once._  
  
He diverged from the kiss, leant his forehead on hers, gazed into her shaded eyes where the glimmering moon had escaped – all he could see was the reflection of himself within her.   
”I refuse to believe that love is a mistake”, Haru said quietly. ”There is no difficulty that enough love wouldn’t conquer, no disease that enough love cannot heal, no war that enough love will not throw down. I believe that if you could love enough, you would be the happiest, and the most powerful person in the world. And I’ve found a way to save us.”  
The hardships, the dangers lying ahead Natsu had forgotten, crushed back at him after the quick visit to blissful heaven of ignorance. All he asked was a second chance, and life said_ no_, and would determinedly continue to say so. The future he had dreamt of having with her collapsed upon the greatest despair of Zeref’s revelation. _If you kill me, you’ll die, too._  
”Well, what is it?” Natsu asked, caressing her cheek.  
”We get Fairy Heart”, she said. ”With that eternal, all-making magic we cure us both. We separate you from the demon and me from my magic, we kill Zeref and Acnologia, and we’ll see another day. We’ll find happiness and freedom from the darkness plaguing us."  
Natsu's stomach dropped and his blood went cold. Had she gone mad, or was it a tasteless, failed joke? He looked down in silence and shook his head in both denial and refusal.   
”We can’t do it.”  
"We can", she said. "And we will."  
There was a fierce determination in her eyes one could not fight back. Natsu grabbed her hands into his.   
"Don’t you… Don’t you even think about that. We can’t do it, and we won’t. That magic should _never_ be released into the world, not even for us. There has to be some other way."  
She didn’t argue back or beg. That was her way. But from the fire in her eyes, Natsu knew she didn’t accept it either. There was the scary flick of a flitch Natsu faced once before with grim outcomes. In a split second, she changed. Warmth faded into coldness in her hesitation. She didn't know what to do.   
"Then... I think Zeref was right", she said then.  
"What do you..."  
"You can't be saved in this world", she writhed free from his hold. "But in the new world he's going to create, you can."  
Natsu kept shaking his head in terror as he understood fully how everything had gone wrong. She had refused to let him go once and would continue to do so - no matter of the price she'd have to pay. Even if it would cost the whole world.  
Sorrow began to take over him. It couldn't end like this. He wouldn't let it.  
"Please", Natsu begged, in despair of not knowing any other words. Any other solace. "Don't do this."  
Natsu grabbed her hands again, but she pushed him away.  
"You're either with me or you're in my way."  
"Haru -"  
His final touch created an outburst of fire as E.N.D's power flooded over her limits. She'd defend her purpose with fire and blood. Natsu watched as his own reflection in her eyes switched into Zeref's - and understood this was all part of his plan. Those were his words. His will. His purpose. She was nothing but a puppet for the black wizard now.  
Demonic scales crackled on her cheeks and love died in her eyes. The innocent purity of a poem was gone, replaced with a burning, filthy wrath.  
And as his sorrow turned to hate, Natsu knew it was too late. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is divided into two parts for I couldn't make it all fit into one chapter without it being like 10k words long.  
Things are about to go down. We're still far from the end though. Anyway, Gray said it. We're fucked!


	24. LUNAR ECLIPSE 2/2

_”I've been hiding this giant for too long_  
_And it's grown like a parasite inside me_  
_Under this shadow I've been walking_  
_Now it's taken over me, and she..._  
_The pure girl, leave me before it's too late_  
_Or I will cut your wings._  
_For I can't control this that burns_  
_It flows inside, through my every vein_  
_It fills my fingers and burns my throat_  
_Chains my heart again_  
_Insane pain.”_  
Swallow the Sun – The Giant

_Am I awake or just dreaming? _  
The door they had closed forever hung wide open right in front of them. Lucy’s eyes followed the faint movement it made, and her mind was as empty as the room a dead man had just left.   
”I don’t understand”, Gray whispered and helped Lucy on her feet. ”He was dead a moment ago. _Dead._”   
Lucy didn’t understand either. There was no human measure, no way he would rise up and walk away as nothing had happened at all. He had bled too much, his heart had literally stopped, his whole body had fallen apart but he had been just _fine_. And ready to go for a rampant search for her. No human could -  
_ Not human, but a demon. _An insight sparked in Lucy's mind and everything became clear.   
”As a demon from the books of Zeref, Natsu’s life is bound to a book, was it?” she asked.  
”Exactly.”  
”And according to Happy, the book of E.N.D had been damaged?”  
”Pierced from the middle, yes. It matched his injuries.”  
Lucy's theory strengthened.   
”Something has happened to that book. Maybe it has been fixed", Lucy said. "That’s the only thing which explains how he's still alive.”  
Gray pondered over her words a moment.   
”You might actually be right”, he answered and his face turned to stone. ”Haru has probably fixed it.”  
It made sense, but Lucy didn't understand the reason behind Gray's shocked reaction. He knew about demons and their functions more than her - and didn't have time to explain.  
”We have to go tell the others", Gray urged and grabbed Lucy's arm. "This is even worse than I thought."

Natsu’s brief visit had left the guildhall in complete turmoil. Their gazes demanded answers as Lucy and Gray arrived. Happy flew into Lucy’s arms with tears in his eyes. The poor cat had been through enough already.   
”What happened, Gray?” Erza asked across the hall. ”How’s Natsu alive?”  
Gray peered down, words stuck in his throat. Lucy eyed at the radar. A red mark roamed towards west, alone. And with the condition Natsu had been in, alone was the last way he should be. The way enemy units disappeared around a sphere of_ nothing_ concerned her even more. There had to be a price for Natsu's life Haru had to pay. Lucy feared what it would be.  
”Natsu isn’t a human”, Gray answered with a pained voice. ”He’s a demon from the books of Zeref. Etherious Natsu Dragneel. E.N.D.”  
The guild broke into an uproar. _That can’t be true. How’s that possible? Does that make him our enemy?_ Lucy heard only scattered sentences and held Happy tighter. Despite everything, she couldn't think of him as an enemy. _Never._  
_ I was happy to have known you, too._  
”It’s true”, Makarov stopped the racket in an instant. ”Zeref himself told me. I knew. I didn’t believe it. But now...”  
Lucy shielded Happy's ears from their shouts and yells. _We shouldn't have trusted him. He'll kill us all. We knew he was a monster all along. We should excommunicate him instantly. He's stronger than the whole Tartaros combined._  
But on that brief moment Natsu had been conscious, Lucy hadn’t seen a demon which had been taking over him. Under that dark veil was a boy who asked to be loved, helped, saved. The Natsu she knew was still there, lost in the night. And hearing them talking about him like that made her blood boil.  
”He is still one of us!” Lucy shouted and stood up. The murmur ceased from the strength of her voice, which just a moment ago had been so weak and silent. ”Demon he might be, that’s what he has always been. This revelation doesn’t change anything! Natsu is a part of our family, and we can’t let him down when he needs us the most, not anymore. He doesn’t need us to be afraid or scared, he needs us to be _brave_.”  
Everyone stared at her blankly, confused by her sudden encouragement. Lucy let go of Happy. Even he was surprised to see her power up after months of depression. Gaining strength from the love she had for Natsu, she continued:  
”When Igneel died, we allowed him to leave. We didn’t say anything. We stood still and watched as he gave his scarf, the scarf he held so dear and sacred, to Makarov, and left. We didn’t do anything! We turned a blind eye and let the night devour him to the bone, and this is what’s left of him. And right now, he shouldn’t be alone in the night again. There will be nothing left to come back with!”  
Lucy dressed in her blue winter coat and rushed to the door.  
”Where are you going?” Gray asked.  
”I’m more afraid of losing him again than what I’m afraid of any demons. We have to help him, Gray. We have to get the_ real_ Natsu back. Let's go!”  
  
\---

The moon hid behind the clouds and wildfires lighted the ruined forest, rising towards the darkened sky. Zeref’s wicked flames in her eyes wrenched Natsu’s heart. They didn’t belong in the domain of a butterfly made of moonlight. The fire locked her into a glass jar and scorched her wings, and Natsu couldn’t stand to watch her turning to ashes.  
”This is not you”, he whispered to her. Haru looked so familiar, so safe, pushing him deeper into disbelief. The black dress, curly brown hair, a satchel on her waist... but the damn fire faulted the image of love. ”Zeref did this to you. This is not you, this is not what you would want. Listen to me -”  
”Zeref did nothing to me”, she snapped, scowling. ”This is exactly what I want. And you’re in my way.”  
Natsu dodged a firebolt she projected towards him, hearing nothing but the nervous, panicked beating of his own heart. He waited for her to drag him out from this nightmare. _Wake up, Natsu, it’s only a bad dream_, the words which had always crossed the barriers of his dreams and carried him from shadows into the light. He waited, waited and waited, but then she hurled another sphere of fire which hit him right to the chest.  
_ This is not a dream. _  
_ This is real. _  
Natsu lost his balance and crashed to the ground on broken sticks and sharp stones. The hurt mangled the denial out of him. No-one would wake him up. Haru kept a distance to him, observed him in silence as if giving him a chance to change his mind. Natsu rose up, shaking his head.   
”You can’t destroy this entire world so you could be with me”, he scolded. ”And that boy, that Natsu, that isn’t even me.”  
She didn't listen. ”But it’s still you.”  
”It’s not the same thing!”  
”Still better than none.”  
”I don’t know how, but I know we can fix this. There has to be a way to -”  
”It’s the only way.”  
”Just listen to yourself. Those are Zeref’s words.”  
”These are mine.”  
Haru’s entire body enveloped in a cloak of fire and she charged into him with the strength of a furious dragon. Natsu shielded behind his arms, welcomed the full blow, and the impact sent him flying through the air.  
Natsu landed on his feet, taking support from the ground.   
”What are you gonna do? Kill me?” he fumed.  
She smirked. ”Whatever it takes.”  
Another fireball landed on his chest, and another, and another. He embraced them all, gazed at her through the smoke and flames. He refused to fight back, he couldn't bring himself to attack her. And the fire didn’t even hurt – it felt like home. It enfolded him like his very own flames.  
Those _were_ his very own flames.   
”Why the hell did you curse her with my magic, Zeref? You should know you can’t fight fire with fire”, he grinned. ”Haru could kill me in an instant if she really wanted to. Your plan is kinda -”  
A blast straight to his face pushed him off his feet and he thumped to the ground. The flames were gone. It had been her bare fist. In a moment of confusion, Haru reached for the blade on Natsu’s belt. He realised it just soon enough to whack her hand off. He dragged her off her balance and locked her wrist to the ground.  
”She wouldn’t even think about that”, Natsu snarled, staring into her eyes. Frustration began to build up inside of him. ”You exposed yourself, Zeref. Using our bond to achieve your own goals, to get Fairy Heart… that’s just the nastiest move ever, brother.”  
She didn’t answer. Natsu climbed on top of her to keep her down with his weight, pressing her wrists against the rocky forest floor. Her physical strength couldn't compete against his, and her tries to attack failed. Gazing at her features, Natsu forced himself to remember this was Zeref, not her, to keep his hate contained. She was so small, too small to wield this cursed power – Natsu needed to protect her from it. He had to reach the butterfly before the flames could touch it.  
”Wake up, Haru. I know you’re still there somewhere. You gotta fight him. Force him the fuck outta your mind.”  
Her writhing eased, only a bit. Hope sparked inside him. He could reach her, not with anger, but with love. He knew he could reason her out.  
”This is as hard for me as it is for you, to know my life is tied to Zeref’s”, he whispered. ”I wanted to have a future with you as well, and we still have a chance, but that's not the way. Believe me!”  
”Natsu -”  
”The Natsu from the past wouldn’t be me”, he continued softly. ”I wouldn’t be me without everything which happened to me. Without the demon within, I wouldn't be me. The Natsu you’re trying to resurrect is nothing but a stranger, not the one who loves you. You would be alone, again. This world, this life is the only one we’ve got.”  
She seemed to believe. The demonic aura of Zeref's possession faded around her, and carefully Natsu eased his hold. His hands shivered so much.  
”You’re stronger than Zeref. _We_ are stronger than him. Please, stay with me.”  
There was nothing else he could say, and the weight of the tears forced his eyes shut. Small, soft fingers trailed on his cheek, wiping off the ashes. Natsu smiled, a desperate sorrowful smile which cracked him up from the inside – with nothing left to give, he couldn’t help but only hope it was enough to reach her and bring her back.  
But as she pulled him into a kiss, he knew they were stronger than any dark power in this world. Blindly, he fumbled to find her face in between his hands, holding her ever closer, tighter so she wouldn’t disappear again.   
Then the string of hope snapped apart as a weight disappeared from his belt; the weight of a silver dagger. Natsu realised it a moment too late.

Natsu broke away from the kiss as a sharp pain pierced through his abdomen, sinking as deep as a blade. Terrified, he stared into her eyes, where the fire was still roaring. Zeref was still there. Natsu shook his head as she pulled the dagger from his guts and prepared for another plunge. In an instant, Natsu grabbed the hand she had slid in between them so secretly and yanked it away.  
”Zeref!” Natsu exploded in a peak of berserk fury as the black wizard’s unforgivable move poured pure poison into his veins. Leaking blood from the wound soaked his shirt, but the pain fused as a part of his wrath. His vision turned red as he fought to remove the dagger from her hands. ”Let go of her, Zeref!”  
Natsu grabbed the blade and tore it from her hold, slicing his own skin. He flamed up his fist, pouring dragonfire into the ancient silver, hotter and denser until the metal melted and slithered down his arm. Drops of molten silver dripped on her and she screamed as the smouldering metal burned holes to her skin.  
As everything he had trusted to be true turned into lies, his mind began to slip away. He could no longer see love. All he could see was a shadow of his brother, the one he was created to destroy.   
A tide of self-defensive fire released from her, trying to push him away, but his hold prevailed. Natsu nailed her wrists to the ground even harder. Nothing but crimson shades remained in his vision as the shadows awakened, took over his arms. He smacked her temple with brute force to stop her endless writhing.  
”Get out of her, Zeref! Get out of her!”  
Her dark eyes stared right at him, a gaze full of different meanings, but her message didn’t reach him. He couldn't see anything but the flames he had to extinguish. Natsu curled wisps of her hair around his fingers, grabbed tight from the root, wrenching her up as she tried to wriggle free from his hold.   
”ZEREF! GET OUT OF HER, SHE’S MINE!”  
He smashed his fist downward and her head followed the momentum, with a violent sound echoing in the air as her skull hit the stone underneath. A faint whimper escaped her and her eyes lost focus. A thin trail of blood ran down from her hairline, cleaning the ashes from its way.   
”GET OUT OF HER!”   
Hair cracked within his fist as he lifted her up again, staring into her cloudy, dark eyes – the fire was still there. He had to put it out. And driven over the edge of control, he’d do _anything_ to put it out.  
Natsu slammed her head again. This time, she silenced. A loud_ crack_ was the only sound in the night. Her body went limp. His hands shivered, his heart raced against the ribcage. His fingers tightened around her hair and like a reflex of a feral nature he couldn’t resist, he lifted her once again.

_Natsu, stop!_  
A familiar voice resonated through the red haze, distant and faint. His grip loosened and a body thumped to the earth.  
_Natsu, stop! You’ll kill her!_  
He glanced over his shoulder, and before he even realised, hands grabbed him and pulled him away. A whit of blue glowed among all the red in his vision.  
”Natsu! She’s not being manipulated by Zeref!” the person yelled and shook him from the shoulders. He recognised the voice, but the features hid behind a cloud of mist. ”Gray! Cleanse Natsu’s power from her while I hold him still!”   
A dark figure passed by. Natsu barely heard what they said. His own heartbeat raged in his ears, pumping boiling blood into his veins.  
”Haru saved you by fixing your book”, the blue spot told. "Your magic corrupted her mind, caused all of this. Gray’s doing his best to erase the demon’s influence from her, but this...”  
Slowly, the red haze faded. Blonde pigtails formed from the haze on the face in front of him, blue ribbons tied around them, large brown eyes – _Lucy_. Natsu shook his head as he returned to the Earth, without an understanding of what was going on._ What the hell did Lucy do here?_ He turned his head into the direction where the other one had gone.  
”Her shield is blocking my magic.”  
A raven-haired man crouched by a girl lying on the ground, motionless. Natsu recognised the man, too. _Gray._   
”Get into her bloodstream. As the blood flows outside the shield, you should be able to do it.”  
Natsu flinched as Gray sliced her arm with a blade of ice and poured his demon-slaying magic into her veins. Steam rose to the night sky as the fire within her died out.  
”He’s hurting her, Lucy”, Natsu stuttered, his voice dry and cracking from the shouting. "Don't let him hurt her."  
”You’re not in a position to say anything right now, Natsu -”  
”But -”  
”Just let him save her.”  
A pain throbbed in his lower abdomen. His hand fumbled over the wound and pressed against the pain, with blood spilling from between his fingers. He couldn't recall what had happened. Everything shrouded in a red mist. A soft kiss was his last memory, then it had blacked out.  
The world spun around him and he clutched his nails deep into Lucy, the only real thing he could grasp. Fright froze him and he forgot his own injury. Haru did not move. Something was wrong.   
”What did I do?” Natsu asked and burning hot tears welled up in his eyes. ”Lucy, what have I done?”  
An agonising silence fell. The veil of clouds opened and moonlight cleared up his vision, only to throw him deeper into despair.   
_ No fire could hurt a butterfly made from moonlight._  
_ But bare hands could._

When Gray was done, he closed the wound with ice, let go of her and stood up, shaking his head. Scattered memories flooded into Natsu's mind. He remembered the molten silver and her scream, and the loose hair inside his fist. Lucy released Natsu from her hold, but he couldn’t move. He was afraid, so afraid of facing the consequences of his mistake he still couldn't fully comprehend.   
”Hey”, he whispered as his voice withered, ”are you okay?”  
Natsu waited for an answer. Each second of silence wrenched him up from the inside, tied his soul on the tight knot and he couldn’t breathe. Lucy and Gray backed off, having done all they could, humbly making room for him and his grief.  
”Haru?”   
She did not answer. Natsu kept waiting. They had been there before. He’d set the entire world on fire and never let a single flame touch her. Soon, she would turn over. Soon the knot on his lungs would open and he would breathe again. Soon she would wake up.  
But she did not.   
Tears ran down his face as he forced his legs to move. Crawling, he crossed the distance between them. Natsu wiped his eyes. She lied among the ashes, still, too still, unmoving. Visions flashed in his mind, visions of violence he had thought to have been just a nightmare.   
Kneeling over her, Natsu touched her face, following the thin trails of blood with his fingers. She breathed, but just barely. Natsu slid his trembling hand under her neck, gently lifting her into his arms as the most delicate, little bird.   
Her hair felt soaked, sticky against his arm. Holding his breath, he groped the back of her head, staining his fingers in liquid terror which smelled of iron. Permafrost as heavy as lead suffocated the burning fire inside his lungs, formed thorny vines of ice which strangled him from within.   
_ I’m sorry, I’m so sorry -_  
Many times he had cradled her like this, stroking her hair, feeling the shape of her skull - and now it felt wrong, unfamiliar. Too soft. _Broken_. Shards of bone moved underneath the skin, with sharper edges poking out from where once was a perfect smoothness. Blood flowed from the fractures, slowly with each beat of a weak heart, staining his hands evermore.  
He didn't beg her to open her eyes. He knew she wouldn't. Moonlight glimmered on the amulet of a silver dragon eating its own tail, a poor replacement for the light she had in her gaze. He'd do anything to see it again, to run away from all of this and leave this nightmare behind. Natsu pressed her body against his, buried his face into the curve of her neck and wept. The way her scent mixed up with the smell of blood pushed him over the edge.   
Her skin got colder with each blow of the wind through the demolished forest. With the gigantic burden of his mistake, he couldn’t help but curse each inch of himself, each cell, each blackened thought which caused _this_. He had turned into everything he hated, black blood and dirt in a human shell.   
_ If this is love..._  
There was a difference between the death of a body and the death of a soul. While the passing of the mortal coil was peaceful and quiet, beautiful even, the soul of a human died with a deafening, hollow scream. And Natsu let the darkness seep through the cracks of his heart, too far gone to ever go back.  
_… then I don’t want it._  
And then there was nothing but silence as Natsu took off his black cloak, still unwashed from the last time her blood had shed on it. He wrapped Haru into it, as carefully and gently as he could. She was so fragile.  
_ But END... that’s a masterpiece no-one can ever surpass. Zeref poured all his genius into it, to kill an immortal being... It’s the work of a god. No wonder Acnologia fears it._  
"You should have feared me, too", Natsu whispered and lifted her up. The moon hid behind the veil of clouds forever gone, the stars blinked out, dimming the glimmer on the amulet around her neck.   
The demons feasted in the absence of light as Natsu carried her away. Roars of a black dragon thundered in the distance like a mournful trumpet of war.  
The final storm crept nigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, sex is cool but have you ever gotten your skull crushed by your lover? I think I listened too much Carnifex and Cannibal Corpse when I was 15, that's where my writing ideas come from. This was the most brutal part of the entire story. It won't get worse than this... hopefully.
> 
> You all know this trope in anime where a friend gets possessed by some weirdo, and the protagonist is forced to fight them? And they eventually get saved by the power of friendship or love?  
To be honest I got tired of the power of friendship bullshit in Fairy Tail and decided to twist this trope up a bad time. At least in 100 years quest manga Natsu beats possessed Happy and says: "If he gets possessed by some weirdo, I'll hit him to get them out and I won't forgive those who hurt him." However, Haru wasn't manipulated or brainwashed by anything else than Natsu's own power, and so Natsu did a fatal mistake.
> 
> Anyway, back to the chapter. I guess this is the point of no return and the endgame truly begins. I still have twists left though! It might take me a little longer to write the next chapters because I need to perfect the remaining plot and fix a few holes.  
I have actually a moderately hopeful ending planned for this story. It's not happy by any means, but bittersweet. Maybe all of this will be worth it in the end.


	25. THE KING

_”When the demon rises_  
_Lay your will down at his feet_  
_There's a different kind of worship that is called for_  
_When the blood is raining_  
_You will see it is his own_  
_And the kingdom that he rules it knows no borders_  
_Formless spheres are grinding bones_  
_Drinking seas and breaking stones_  
_Turning man against his friend_  
_Hail the King and hail the End.”_  
WEH – Every Branch And Leaf Will Tremble

Love, the most primordial essence of magic, brought miracles, and sometimes tragedies. A hundred years ago Zeref had carried Mavis’s remains back to the guild, dropped her body to the doorstep and disappeared. Mavis remembered it like a yesterday. And now her ghost stood on the same doorstep, gazing into the distant dawn when another dark figure arrived, carrying someone in his arms.  
Natsu looked so much like his brother at that moment.   
The tendency to tragedy ran deep in the Dragneel blood.  
Once in the past, when she and Zeref still walked together on this earth, the black wizard told her what happened to his little brother, how he resurrected the boy as a demon. He told her of the dark powers imbued the demon’s essence, how he would go to any lengths to destroy his creator. It seemed to her Zeref _hated_ his little brother for sentencing him to the cruellest fate, and wished to revenge the sufferings of his curse to the source of it all.   
Zeref had told her everything except the_ name_. Mavis wouldn’t have guessed Zeref’s strongest demon would carve his place to the guild she formed, but in the end, everything came down to him, and his untimely death. Hadn’t Natsu died, Zeref wouldn’t have been cursed. Hadn’t Zeref been cursed, Mavis wouldn’t have met him. Hadn’t they met, Mavis wouldn’t have learned magic, and Fairy Tail wouldn’t exist.   
Natsu stopped some distance away from the hall. He whispered quiet, final words to the girl. He kissed her bloody forehead and let go. She thumped to the ground, the black fabric around her loosened revealing the rusty red stains on her neck. _Don’t throw her around like that, she’s not a doll_! Precht had yelled at Zeref back then. Mavis didn’t say anything. She already knew what Natsu would answer. _This thing won’t move on its own ever again._  
Mavis looked Natsu dead into the eyes. Under the calm surface, he was screaming in anguish. The demon had finally awakened, but even E.N.D _mourned_. She hadn’t known he was capable of feeling grief. Or love. Or _anything_.   
Zeref’s strongest demon was the most _human_ of them all.   
”Bury her under the magnolias”, Natsu said. ”She wanted to see them in bloom.”  
Haru’s fingers twitched and her chest rose faintly as a sign of slowly fading life.   
”She’s still alive."  
”Just _wait_.”  
Further away, the two who had left last night returned as well, hanging their heads low. They had failed. They were too late.   
”Zeref was right.”  
Mavis knew what Natsu meant. _Love is a mistake I shall never repeat,_ the black wizard had muttered. But love hadn’t killed Mavis or Haru. Neither of them was completely _dead._   
”I’m going to release this world from me and my brother now”, Natsu continued. ”I’ll kill him, and we’ll be at peace. All of us.”  
Natsu sunk his nails into his shoulder. Keeping his face still as stone, he tore away a piece of his skin. _His guildmark_. He set the separated skin on fire and tossed it to the ground. Blood ran down his bare arm, accompanied the traces of silver on his wrist. The flames ate away his bond to the guild, to the family, and only ashes followed his act of self-excommunication.   
Zeref truly hated his little brother.  
But in all this tragedy and heartbreak, Mavis found a clue. If Zeref’s love hadn’t been enough to release Mavis from her existence, hate could never lift the curse of Ankhseram. Never. These hateful powers would only feed it, sentence them to a fate much worse than death.  
As Natsu turned away, Mavis understood there was only one way to strip their cursed beings from their existence. Taking their _life_ wasn’t enough to cease their _being. _  
And she realised another mortal mistake Natsu was going to make.

\---

Lucy couldn’t get the sound out of her head. The _crack_. She couldn’t forget Natsu's expression either as he realised what he had done. She couldn’t forget seeing his whole soul being torn apart by his very own hands. All that furious rage had turned into the purest, blackest form of heart-wrenching guilt.  
And she couldn’t forget Acnologia’s roars as it had soared through the night sky, black wings covering the moon. Natsu’s darkest thoughts had attracted it there, but something even darker had attracted it away. It had no interest in emotions of guilt. Acnologia sought for those strong enough to threaten his existence, but at that moment, Natsu hadn’t been a threat to it. He hadn’t been a threat to anyone at all.   
Ever since Lucy pulled him away from Haru, Natsu had been so quiet, calm and peaceful. _Empty._ The demon Lucy had only seen traces of was wide awake, but even he silenced in front of his horrible mistake. Natsu had cradled his kill in his arms, crying. He had spoken to her softly, so tranquilly like he was putting a child to sleep, reading the last pages of the tale.   
Even E.N.D had loved her.  
Lucy and Gray had walked far behind him, not knowing where he would go, not knowing how to offer any comfort. As they reached the edges of Magnolia, Lucy realised Natsu was taking her back to the guild. Where he would go from there, Lucy didn’t know, didn’t dare to imagine. The path narrowed with each step they crept closer to the end.  
If the aura around Natsu had been grim before, it was purely demonic as they arrived at the guild. Lucy flinched as Natsu dropped Haru’s body in front of Mavis when the tale came to a close. So ended the tranquillity, and hell broke loose. The dragonslayer and the First Master exchanged words Lucy didn’t hear. Everything in Natsu’s being screamed _”I will follow you”_, and _nothing_ would stop him now.  
And then Natsu ripped his guildmark away. Lucy grabbed Gray’s hand and squeezed it while trying to stop the tears from falling. At that moment, she almost wished Natsu had died last night. She couldn’t imagine the pain he had to be in, the pain so excruciating he’d do _that. _  
The words she had uttered last night echoed in her head as Natsu began to walk away. _We allowed him to leave. We didn’t say anything, didn’t do anything, we stood and watched._ She couldn’t swallow her words now. She had to be brave. She had to try.  
She wiped her tears and stepped in Natsu’s way. The line between a demon and a human had faded, the energies of light and darkness flowed back and forth, mixing into a grey mass behind his eyes. The shades of green faded to black.  
”Natsu”, she started, voice shivering.   
He didn’t say anything, didn’t even look at her.  
”Natsu, listen to me -”  
”Get out of my way, Lucy”, he answered, not sounding like himself at all. ”If I did _that_ to her, just imagine what I could do to you.”  
Lucy’s chest tightened.  
”There has to be a way to save you, I’m sure.”  
”There is one. My death.”  
She shook her head. ”It’s not too late. This does not have to be the end.”  
”What made you change your mind?”  
Lucy froze. _You can go now. You’re tired, there’s no need to fight anymore. Go, sleep now._ Just yesterday she had been ready to let him go. Now, the only thing she knew was that she couldn’t lose him again, and again, and again, despite everything. She hadn’t wished his death for him, but for herself, too. One wasn’t supposed to say farewells more than once.   
”I’m ready to sleep now", the dragonslayer whispered.  
Lucy lowered her gaze, Natsu pressed his hands into fists. Though the demon was awake, Natsu was still there. This was Natsu’s last wish, to leave before hurting anyone else. The demon would wipe her out of his way in an instant, but Natsu didn’t. He politely waited for Lucy to step out, so he would go.  
”She isn’t dead”, Lucy whispered, as a final try. ”We can try to save her. Wendy should be able to heal her.”  
”Even if she would somehow survive, it wouldn’t change what I did to her. It wouldn’t change what I am. I am a monster, Lucy.”  
Lucy swallowed the lump in her throat.  
”Why do you let me talk to you, then?”  
”I loved you, too. Once. _Almost_, to your luck. Of all the people I’ve ever loved, I’d like at least _one_ of them would live. _Survive_ having loved me.”  
”If you really did, then -”  
”And if you ever had any fond feelings towards me, you’d let me go now.”  
The traces of Natsu withered behind his eyes, slowly replacing with the flames of hell. Perdition. Lucy only wanted to grab the hand of the boy who was descending into the fire, but he slipped through her fingers and fell, fell, _fell._  
Gray took her arm and dragged her away before the demon’s rage would unleash on her, too.  
”Lucy”, the ice wizard whispered, shaking his head. ”Don’t break yourself anymore.”  
Something in his words consoled, but hurt her like nothing before. It was a painful realisation of _what’s happened to me, look what you’ve done to me._ She got her own life to live, her own path to go. And even if these paths diverged here, she shouldn’t forget the things she had once learnt. The things the _real_ Natsu had taught her. _Save the tears for when we win._  
Lucy wiped her tears again and turned towards the dragonslayer.  
”Natsu!” she shouted. ”There are three conditions I must tell for someone who leaves Fairy Tail.”   
Gray’s eyes widened. Natsu didn’t stop to look back. Lucy's heart raced within her chest like a caged animal.   
”One: you must never reveal sensitive information about Fairy Tail to others”, Lucy gathered her wilting voice, shouting as loud as she could. ”Two: you must never have an unauthorised contract with past clients and personally profit from them.”  
These cursed words made it all so final, so real. She had to carry the torch as far as she could go, with him or not. Sometimes endings just felt like an end. The last words lingered on her tongue, but she couldn’t avoid saying them, not anymore.   
”Three: though our paths may have diverged, you must continue to live out your life with all your might, you must never consider your own life to be something insignificant, and you must never forget the friends you loved for as long as you live!”  
And then Natsu glanced over his shoulder, just briefly. All she could do was hope for a miracle, salvation for his lost soul, as she watched him walking into the abyss, alone, again.  
Shades of night welcomed their king with a twisted smile.

\---  
  
The guildhall was quiet and nearly empty.  
The radars had shown increased enemy activity in the south during the night, and most of the fighting wizards had left there, leaving only a few behind to protect Mavis. The western forces had been stopped, and Zeref’s current whereabouts were a mystery. Freed’s runes protected Magnolia, preventing hostile entities from entering, but for how long he would keep the shield up, no-one knew. Zeref’s ultimate goal lied right beneath Fairy Tail, after all.  
But a crucial part of Zeref’s plan was about to fail.  
Gray laid an unconscious, unresponsive girl to the table. Mavis watched from the distance as Porlyusica begun to examine her wounds. She knew the girl would die, and Porlyusica’s expression confirmed her belief. How would Zeref react to such immeasurable loss? Would he allow Natsu to try to defeat him again?  
Everything was going to hell.  
Wendy’s healing magic bounced back from the layer protecting Haru. It had absolutely no effect, her skull stayed as broken and bleeding as before. Such an ironic protector, stubbornly refusing help, preferring to die before accepting someone’s aid. Zeref’s imprint always showed through his work.   
”What about these scars? These were caused by fire. A magical fire”, Gray analysed the old wounds on Haru’s arms.  
Lucy knit her brows. ”It means that there has to be a way to put her shield down.”  
”But she’s not responding to anything. Even if she could control her shield, it doesn’t help now”, Wendy sighed. ”Magic is the only way to save her now.”  
_Fire._  
Mavis got an idea.  
She jumped down from the counter and walked through the hall, the others making room for her as she arrived at the table. Mavis sensed hints of Zeref’s brilliant design within the girl, recognised the lacrima Makarov had mentioned. The way Zeref had perfected it, how it contained Haru’s unstable magic, appeared to Mavis almost as affection, almost as if Zeref had cared for her. But no. Zeref didn’t care about anything else than his own end. It always justified his means.  
Haru lied on the black cloak spread under her, though the comfort it added to the hard wood ran short. Mostly it just protected the table from staining into her blood. Her wounds explained what had happened better than words could. Her skull hadn’t been the only thing Natsu had fractured. Seeing him being capable of doing something like this fractured everyone’s hearts as well.  
"Do you have any insight, First Master?" Wendy asked.   
Mavis studied the girl’s arms, revealed under the pulled-up sleeves. Deep scars ran down her wrists, scars of wounds intended to end her life. The burns told someone had decided otherwise. The lacrima within her had responded to the person who resembled the one who had created it. It had put down the protective shield, allowing them to save her. A magical fire had closed her cuts.   
_Natsu’s fire._  
Mavis’s mind worked with an astonishing brightness. The lacrima might have confused Natsu with his brother. As Zeref’s creation, Natsu’s lifeforce was linked to his. Natsu was a part of Zeref, that’s why he had been able to save her, once.   
It meant that it might respond to someone with the curse of Ankhseram, too.  
”I have figured a way to save her”, Mavis told.  
Porlyusica gave her a strict look. ”We should let her die.”  
While the old woman’s words shocked each present member, Mavis approached her with an equal determination. Porlyusica didn’t know what she did. None of them knew.  
”We can’t if we want to win this battle”, Mavis replied.  
”If she dies, Zeref won’t be able to -”  
”Zeref will do what he wants to do, with or without her. If there’s anything we can do to prevent a family member from dying, we’d do that without a second thought. That’s the very foundation this guild has been built on.”  
”First Master -”  
”I need my body”, Mavis said. ”I should be able to merge this thought projection, my consciousness, with my mortal coil despite it being in a comatose state. It should be enough.”  
”What are you going to do?” Gray asked.  
”Zeref created the lacrima within her, and this kind of lacrimas respond to the will of their creator. But it has made misconceptions before. It confused Natsu for Zeref for their blood relation and him being Zeref’s demon. The curse of Ankhseram is the most dominant part of Zeref’s entire being. The lacrima should respond to my will as well. I can put her protective shield down, but I need my body.”  
Her plan made Porlyusica furious. ”You really mean releasing Fairy Heart?”  
”Releasing my body alone won’t release the magic within me.”  
”It’s too dangerous, not worth the risk.”  
Mavis had no time to listen to the old woman’s worries. Were the girl to die, all hope would be gone.   
”Cana, come with me. The magic I gave to you back in the Tenrou Island will break the lacrima my body is sealed in”, Mavis said to the beer-drinking mage and turned to the celestial spirit wizard. ”And Lucy, you should come, too. There’s one thing I have to give to you as well.”

\---

Lucy thought she had already explored each corner of the guildhall, but Mavis proved her wrong as she led her into secret, underground tunnels which would lead to Fairy Heart. After several sealed doors, they reached the endless, spiralling stairway into the depths.   
Lucy found comfort from having Cana by her side. Even her silence was enough to calm her down, distract her from the gloom which lingered around the First Master. Mavis had refused to tell them the details, but Lucy trusted in her. Having carried the title of Fairy Tactician in her prime days, Mavis was the wisest person Lucy knew.   
”Lucy, did you see what happened there?” Mavis asked. She walked far ahead of them, but her voice echoed in the hallway.  
Lucy sighed. ”Not much. Natsu was screaming something about Zeref. He probably thought she was being manipulated by him… and tried to beat Zeref out of her.”  
Only now she realised the shock she was in. Her memories were scattered and cloudy, as her mind dissociated her from reality to protect her sanity. Mavis was silent for a moment.  
”How did he stop?”  
”I pulled him apart from her", Lucy answered. "He seemed confused, he looked at me like he didn’t know who I was. But he calmed down the moment we arrived.”  
”It means Natsu might have more control over the demon than I anticipated. You are important to him, Lucy. That’s why he was able to gain control over the demonic force and stop. But we don’t have much time left until he won’t.”  
Lucy agreed with her. The time was running out, she had seen it with her own eyes. ”He’s going to kill Zeref now?”  
”Yes, and he can’t be allowed to do it. We’ll do anything we can to prevent him from killing Zeref. It would be an ultimate disaster. That’s why we can’t let Haru die.”  
”But -”  
”I realised something Zeref doesn’t know. There’s only one way to lift our curse, and it isn’t through hate and violence. But trust me, Lucy. All of us can still be saved.”  
”Even Natsu?”  
”Define _saved_.”  
”Will he live through this, if we succeed?”  
”He won’t.”  
The small spark of hope died the instant it had been created.  
”You said something about Natsu’s and Zeref’s blood relation”, Cana commented. ”Are they some distant relatives?”  
”Natsu is Zeref’s little brother.”  
Lucy thought her head would explode. All of this was too much. Just too much. From the way Cana got quiet, Lucy assumed she felt the same.  
One final door opened into a great, dark hall, enlighted by a lacrima in the middle. And inside the crystal was the body of the First Master.  
”These are my remains”, Mavis said. ”The vessel of Fairy Heart.”  
The bizarre beauty of it amazed Lucy, and the powers lingering in the air astonished her even more. So almighty, capable of fulfilling the impossible, yet too dangerous to ever be used. That was the greatest irony of magic.  
"Cana, destroy the crystal with Fairy Glitter. It might take more than one shot, but I know you can do it."  
Cana smirked with her trademark smile and readied her arm to summon the light of the sun, the moon, and the stars, a fairy's strength to perish the evil of the world.   
The dark hall enlighted in blinding light as she launched one of the Three Great Fairy Magic towards the crystal which sealed the one final magic, capable of surpassing them all.

As Mavis had said, one shot hadn't been enough. The seventh time exhausted all of Cana's power, but finally, the lacrima cracked and shattered to dust. Cana collapsed into Lucy's arms as consciousness escaped her, and Lucy laid her to the ground to rest.  
The light was still dancing in Lucy's eyes as the dust cleared. The air felt thin, for witnessing such a miraculous event made her head spin. In the middle of the platform where the lacrima had stood, lied the body of the First Master, undecayed despite the century it had been sealed inside the crystal.   
Mavis approached her body and touched her own forehead. Her thought projection faded as she merged with herself, reuniting the body and the soul which had been apart for so many years.  
Lucy didn't even know if there was a word for such a being. As the astral body vanished, the physical one started to move. One by one, Mavis curled her fingers and toes. Then she opened her eyes.  
The Second Master, Precht had tried to resurrect her for decades, but in the end, Mavis had been the only one who could bring herself back to life. But this wasn't life, this was a paradox of being simultaneously both alive and dead.  
Mavis stood up and walked to Lucy.  
”The thing I had for you”, she started, exhausted by the century of silence, ”is this magic.”  
Knowledge of a spell, so powerful Lucy wasn’t sure if her body could contain it, flowed through the air, from Mavis’s heart to hers. Shocked, Lucy bathed in its intensity.  
”What is this?” she asked, stuttering.  
”Eternal Fairy Sphere”, Mavis answered. ”My consciousness perfected this magic during these years. I want to give it to you, for your bond got this guild back together. I know you’re the one capable of wielding it after I will be gone. It’s the ultimate protection magic, as you know. You’ve been sealed inside its weaker version. This one seals the member, or members of Fairy Tail into safety for as long as the threat exists. Even for an eternity.”  
Lucy's eyes widened as the transform of the magic completed. ”For an eternity!?”  
”Yes. In the worst-case scenario, gather everyone you can and salvage this guild. If everything goes wrong, this is our only way to survive. Our guild won't be destroyed, even if the whole world is. This magic will protect us forever, until to the next world, if it must. We’ll resurface in existence until it’s safe for us to return. We won’t suffer the slightest inconvenience from it, as you’ve personally known. A single blink of an eye, and we’ll awaken again somewhere far from here.”  
Shivering, Lucy nodded and accepted Mavis’s gift with grace.  
She had a feeling she would have to use it.

\---

Zeref gazed into the distant sunrise as it began to snow from the cloudless sky. Even the black dragon soaring right towards him couldn’t wipe his smile away.   
He felt Fairy Heart’s power deep within his bones, radiating the traces of love he had once shared. And as his brother’s demonic strength awakened as well, he almost cried tears of joy. He would finally get some sleep.  
One way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added Mavis as the fifth point of view-character for the ending needs her perspective, too.  
Upon a request of my friends I added "---" dividers to separate different P.O.V's. I'm going to add them to the previous chapters too. They make it clearer when the P.O.V changes.
> 
> I got most of the problems solved out, but it seems this might or might not take more than 10 chapters to finish. 15 seems more realistic, which means I won't get this done before the baby, but I'll just write the final chapters with a slower pace.  
And the ending might be happier than I first planned.


	26. DREAMS FALL APART

_”Choking on the pain of others_  
_In my own lies I drown_  
_Happiness was all I reached for_  
_But sure, no one deserves it_  
_That dim light I still held, finally faded._  
_There was so much in me that I trusted_  
_But so little I knew_  
_The weakness I held was stronger than anything_  
_And it turned me into arrows for the ones I truly loved.”_  
Swallow the Sun – The Weight of the Dead

_Back then, she thought the morning wouldn’t come, ever again, but it did. And nothing but ashes remained of the world as she had known it._   
_ The sun lingered behind the curtain of grey clouds, barely above the horizon. Curled up to a ball she lied in the cinders, under the dragon’s wing. Pale light painted shadows of bones over her, sheltering her like a cage. Even in death, the dragon would protect her from everything. _   
_ Wiping the dust from her eyes, she awakened and raised her head. Red scales had withered and the blood had dried, leaving nothing but skeletal remains behind. She brushed the bones with her small fingers, trying to grasp the warmth he had once radiated, but the night had taken it all. She followed the humerus, up to the vertebra and to the skull, tracing his horns with her touch. Lines of razor-sharp teeth, fangs, and the empty holes in the place of his eyes remained of his face._   
_ Dragons looked so terrifying when they had been stripped from their soul. These were the remains of a beast, a heartless creature. Her dragon had been the kindest. Warmest. He had shown her freedom, and what it meant to love, and be loved. He had shown her what she had been deprived of, for all the lonely years spent with nothing but books and imaginary ghosts._   
_ She pressed her forehead against the cold skull, whispered ”thank you” and lowered her gaze. Her black dress had turned into a white gown, unstained despite the ash. She had never worn white. Wisps of brown curls danced in the faint wind, grown long enough to reach her waist. _   
_ She had slept for eternity. _   
_ Something moved inside the vault of the dragon’s ribs. Under the canopy the spine and rib bones formed, slept a boy. A pink-haired boy in a black cloak. Her hands let go of the dragon’s skull and she rushed to him, the soul which had been inside the dragon, all this time._   
_ In a fetal position he slept, in the womb of his mortal remains, so peaceful and serene. Sensing her presence, he reached for her hand. His skin was so cold to touch. His eyes opened, gazing straight at her. The fear she had seen in the dragon’s eyes was gone. And he looked at her like he had known her for centuries._   
_ ”Why are you wearing white?” he asked, his human voice radiating familiarity, despite being the first time he’d spoken to her in this form. She didn’t answer, for she didn’t know. The pale shade embraced her in nothingness, for white was the colour for the absence of light. Black absorbed all light into itself, storing life while white rejected it like a useless gift._   
_ She settled snug next to him, curling up to the cinders, trying to reach for his warmth, forever gone. She closed her eyes and waited for the time to move on, for another second to pass._   
_ But as the sun refused to climb higher in the sky, she realised their time was done._

The pain was the first thing which pierced the veil of her consciousness. Like a needle, it cut through the black curtain and let the light in. A blunt, crescent pain she couldn’t locate reached down into the darkness she had been sleeping in, lifting her up from the ashes.   
Then came the voices. Words she couldn’t understand, formed by voices both familiar and unknown, a deafening mass of various sounds. Slowly, the outlines of her body returned, formed from the nothingness. Her limbs burned as life flowed through them again.   
_”Haru?”_  
Her name became the first sound she recognised, understood. She tried to open her eyes but didn’t know how to. All the pain packed up to where her head was, behind her eyes and further down her skull. All she knew was she wasn’t supposed to survive that kind of pain. It had put the lights out, and never intended for them to be alighted again.  
But then magic flooded in, as it flooded out in return.  
She had been there before. The familiar sensation of something cracking inside her filled her body. All she could recognise was the memory of snow and forest and blood, followed with fire. Someone called for the lacrima within her, forcing it to lower its guard, just like he had done back then, crumbling her protective walls with sheer willpower.  
This wasn’t him, this was someone else. Someone who appeared so much like Zeref.   
_”It’s working.”_  
As her magic escaped its cell to roam free in the air once more before crawling back to its cage, another magic entered her, soothing the pain, allowing her mind to return to her body. Unlike the flames, this power didn’t destroy. It healed, restored, enchanted the broken parts back to the way they used to be.   
Something had happened to her. Endless somewhats, somethings, someones – her memory had been cleared from everything. Writing the last line to the book of a demon was the last thing she recalled, then there was nothing. _Dark_, and heat, maybe. Ashes and the skeleton of a dragon. The white dress of death. She wasn’t sure. All of it could have been just a dream.  
_ ”Good work, Wendy. You did it. Mend the bruises on her face and the burns on her arms, then we’ll wait ’til she wakes up.”_  
And despite resembling Zeref, the one who had cut through her shell wasn’t him. That voice belonged to a woman. A girl. The soothing coolness moved from her head to her temple and cheek, continued its way towards her hands. Only a ghostly ache remained at its wake. She could feel her arms and legs again, but couldn’t move them. She knew she should be scared, but she wasn’t. Death had never been one of her fears.  
And this wasn’t the time she’d die, so she opened her eyes. _Forced_ them to open.  
Of all the faces which formed from the mist, Mavis’s was the only calm one. Her deep green eyes focused on analyzing her while the others widened from shock. Mavis looked so different now, and Haru understood why. She was no longer a ghost, but flesh and blood – and the curse of Ankhseram flowed through her veins with every beat of a heart. The love had vanished from her eyes, replaced with solemn objectivity. Just like Zeref's.   
”How do you feel?” Mavis asked. ”What do you remember? Any little thing helps.”  
The wound of Mavis’s will on the layer suppressing her magic closed slowly, her aura disappearing from the air, but not from the minds of those witnessing it. She’d never be invisible again, after this day, in the hearts of those her magic had touched. And she didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. Most of all, she felt exposed. Lonely and bare.  
Carefully, Haru lifted her fingers, testing if she could move her arms, and now they did. She reached for the satchel and yes, it was still there. Grabbing the leather strap, she gazed around and realised she was at the guild. How did she wound up there, and where had most of the members gone? Lucy, Gray and Wendy were there. Happy, too.   
_ Happy. _  
”Is Natsu here?” she asked, clasping the book within the bag. She remembered the terror in his eyes and blood as black as the void. ”Is he okay?”  
Mavis peered down, her long, blonde curls shadowing her childish features. She fiddled the hem of her pink, frilled dress, avoiding Haru's question.  
”You don’t remember anything, don’t you?”  
Haru sat up on the table they had laid her and noticed Natsu’s cloak under her. Scars shaped of raindrops marked her arms. The back of her head felt like thin paper with a reminiscent of pain, distant and fading. Had the airship come down, had she injured in a crash? Because Mavis had to restore her own body to get the shield down, Haru understood something had gone terribly wrong.   
”Is that the book of E.N.D in your bag?” Gray asked. ”We know Natsu is that demon. We figured it out.”  
Unsure how to react or feel, she relied on their calmness, trying to calm herself as well. She could trust them.   
”The last thing I can remember is fixing this”, she said and pulled the book from the satchel. ”He got wounded in the battle, but I saved him.”  
”As we assumed”, Mavis sighed. ”And you almost paid for that with your life.”  
Suddenly she knew she hadn't injured in a crash. It seemed all nightmares had become reality during the last days. Both hers and Natsu's.  
”What did he do?”   
The celestial spirit wizard stepped forward from the background. ”Smashed your head against a stone, screaming something about beating Zeref out of you”, Lucy told. ”Gray used his magic to clean E.N.D’s power from your system, but… we were too late.”  
That explained the pain she wasn't supposed to survive from, and now the calmness felt like emptiness. She had no memories of anything, and Natsu's absence strengthened the unsettling feeling in her stomach. Her hands shivered, clutching the black fabric underneath her.  
”Where’s he now?”  
Lucy shook her head gently, with endless sorrow in her eyes. ”He left the guild. He tore away his guildmark, and went to kill Zeref.”  
Haru’s heart sunk.  
”And we have to stop him", Mavis started, but didn’t finish her sentence – the rest wasn’t supposed to be for everyone’s ears. Haru found no reason for any secrecy. They already knew Natsu was actually a demon - what could be worse than that?   
”What changed?” Haru asked. ”Two days ago you sent him into that battle so eagerly. You know something we do not. And you said yourself that the time of secrets had come to an end.”  
Haru was certain they wouldn't stop him because he'd die if he'd defeat Zeref. She had a feeling that Makarov had known – Zeref must have told him. Makarov had known and sacrificed him all the same but failed.   
”The way Natsu returned you reminded me of the way Zeref returned my remains here”, Mavis started grimly. ”Zeref's kiss took my immortal life, but it didn't kill me. Not fully, because I still exist. If the love of someone carrying the curse of Ankhseram wasn't enough to erase my existence, hate could never do that to Zeref either. At best, E.N.D can destroy Zeref's body, but the rest of him would remain in the world.”  
”The rest of him? Do you mean that...”  
”If E.N.D 'kills' Zeref, his consciousness will remain. His curse will remain, like mine. He wouldn’t be a harm to anyone, evermore… but because Zeref would still exist, E.N.D would exist as well... And he would look for his creator for an eternity, and be driven into insanity for not being able to fully expose him.”  
This insight tore her heart apart because she knew Mavis was right. Haru pressed the book against her chest, suddenly delighted that Natsu had lost the battle. He had been so close. Too close.   
”He’d set the whole world on fire and live among the raging flames”, Haru echoed on Zeref’s words. ”Reign hell upon Earth until he’d burn away the black wizard’s immortality. And in that case... it means forever."  
Mavis nodded. ”Zeref doesn't know that. He still thinks a demon can make him vanish from the world, but he can't. That's a fate so much worse than death. For all of us.”   
No-one dared to say a single word for a moment. Gray pointed at demon's book. ”If that happens, we should destroy that book. In fact, we should destroy it _before_ that happens.”  
Haru gave the ice wizard a murderous look.  
”You _touch_ this book and I’ll shatter your hands to dust”, she hissed. ”As a property of Zeref, these books are uniquely protected from outer forces. That’s why Tartaros couldn’t do anything with it. It requires special knowledge to do anything to the book of an Etherious, and only Zeref’s magic can destroy them.”  
”But you could rewrite it”, Gray said. ”You have special knowledge. It means you could also stop him.”  
Haru turned her eyes towards Mavis.  
”Is _this_ why you saved me?” she asked, voice breaking with anger. ”So I would _kill_ him?”  
Mavis looked so cold, heartless. It was because of the curse. The moment she'd hold love in her heart, people would die.  
”Killed or stopped, it doesn't matter. Natsu is E.N.D. The harbinger of doom, not the man you know.”  
”He’s _not_. E.N.D is a part of him. It’s his shadow, embodiment for the same darkness which all of us carry within. It’s something we all must face and pass through, but it’s not our fate. It's not Natsu's fate. No, there’s no such thing as fate. There are only the choices we make, and the price we’ll have to pay.”  
Haru couldn't even imagine what kind of price she'd have to pay if almost losing her life hadn't been enough. She had refused to believe in fate once before and would do it again, and again, and again, despite Zeref's words echoing in his head. _You’re not allowed to save him. Not in this life. Not in this world. No light in this world can cast away the darkness within him. _  
But Zeref didn't know everything.  
”Think for Natsu”, Mavis started. ”If he defeats Zeref, he’ll lose his mind. He’ll search for Zeref and destroy everything on the way. While E.N.D rages hell, all Natsu can do is sit back and suffer as he watches everything he loves being burned to ashes. He has suffered enough already. He's falling apart. You should have _seen_ him as he returned you to the guild, in the wake of the demon’s rage. You’d let him go without a second thought. Let me handle Zeref. Let me lift our curse, and release all of us from this pain. Believe me when I say -”  
”I’m tired of hearing death is a mercy.”  
”You know it damn well yourself. You know it better than anyone.”  
Tears gathered behind her eyes, but she held them back. Natsu would be the only person she'd cry with. She hadn't fixed his book only to be forced to demolish it with her own hands. She hadn't paid that price for _nothing. _  
”I won’t kill him”, her voice shivered. ”He showed me the light. He saved me as well. And I’m not going to be alone again.”  
”You wouldn’t be alone. You have this guild now.”  
”There has to be a way to save him somehow.”  
”There is one: his death”, Mavis answered coldly. ”Listen to me. There’s only one way to lift the curse of Ankhseram. If Natsu gets to destroy Zeref’s body, that chance will be forever lost. Zeref’s consciousness will remain trapped in this world, so would mine, so would Natsu's rage, forever. All of us want peace. Don’t deny that from us. So please, stop E.N.D. It doesn't matter how, just hold him back until the curse is lifted.”  
Haru shook her head. ”But Natsu will die the moment you lift the curse.”  
”I know. And only then he’ll find the peace he has been looking for. Don’t sentence him into an eternity of agony for your fear of loneliness. Look around. All these people will be there for you when he’s gone. So please, stop him. Gray, Lucy, Happy, all of them can help you. You don't have to do it alone.”  
_Don't leave me alone in this world,_ she had pleaded. _I won't, I promise,_ he had answered.   
And as the first tear rolled down her cheek, she didn't say anything anymore. 

\---  
  
Gentle snowflakes fell from the ashen clouds, landed on the dragonslayer’s pink hair. Natsu raised his face to the sky, feeling those cold tiny kisses on his cheeks before they melted away and rolled down his jaw like tears. He glanced to his side only to find it empty, fooled by the memory of snowfall, and the kisses turned into razorblades. It had snowed for endless days and nights back then when she had still been there.  
Strength left his legs as pain throbbed all over his body, spreading from the wound in his core, forcing him to bow down and rest awhile. A mark of betrayal, a dagger from the front, but who had betrayed who, Natsu didn’t know anymore. He limped to the closest tree, pressed his back against the oak's trunk and slid down to the cold, wet ground. Natsu gazed to the distant mountains where the black dragon had flown, knowing Zeref was there, but he couldn't take a single step forward. Not for a while.   
His wounds were nothing. E.N.D had paralyzed from _grief_. Though the demon had the will of its own, it wasn’t fully separate from Natsu. In its own way, E.N.D had thought she’d walk with him on this earth, as a respected partner. But demons couldn’t ever have that. They were made to be _lonely. _  
Grief, a dagger made from ice, struck right through the heart. He had felt it when Igneel had died, and he knew which would follow after the shock would wear off. He clung onto the grief like a drowning man, afraid of the hate which would follow. The hate of his shadow, which had taken her life. It had walked with him for centuries, and would remain as the only thing by his side, from here on, for another eternity.  
The hate would come in time, Natsu knew. And when that time would be, he would no longer control it, wake from it, that would be the final time the red haze would fill his vision. That would be the full measure Zeref had talked about. The demon would mourn for a while, just for a moment, and then he’d step back from its way. He’d let it take over. He’d let the blood spill until it would go dark. Then he would be at peace.  
There had once been a very different way of reaching peace.   
A vision of _one day._   
Natsu had dreamt of a _one day_ when all of this would be over. _One day_, years past the time he thought his days had already come to an end, Zeref would have been defeated, Acnologia as well. The days would carry on as they did during the time of rebuilding the guildhall, before Master returned, before everything went wrong. Everything would finally go right, and the sufferings they had to face would be just a fading memory. Day by day, the demons in his mind would lose power and vanish. Her light would cast them into eternal sleep they’d never dare to wake from.  
All he ever really sought for was peace, after all.   
_One day,_ Natsu would count the time he had known her in years instead of months or weeks or days. They’d see the changing of the seasons, the flowers of spring, endless summer nights and the autumn fires, then it would be winter again. The first falling of the snow would always bring them back to the time they met, and years would silver line even the darkest moments, dead villages and the pond dyed red with blood.  
For every dark memory would serve as a stepping stone on their path towards happiness, towards the light.   
Natsu had dreamt these dreams while he had laid awake next to her, during the nights they spent at his house. The sleepless hours of late evenings and early dawns had been the times when he painted the empty canvas of his future. Listening to her breathing, running his fingers through her hair, he had found more shades than just black. He had found colours he hadn’t even known to exist.   
_One day_, these dreams wouldn’t be dreams anymore, they’d be a reality. From silly little things they laughed about to their greatest, most silent wishes, everything would come true. _One day_, Haru would find a way to separate her dangerous magic from herself, and be finally able to live her life without the crippling fear of breaking it loose. In one of his dreams, he’d melt the silver dagger that day, and forge it into two rings, as a bond of eternal matrimony. The symbol of death transposed into life. He had never been such a romantic before, but that felt like the only right thing to do. Just like everything else with her. He had always done what felt _right. _  
And now the only metal he’d melt were the chains of guilt, and the only thing he’d forge was a crown of a liar. _I’ll never stain my hands in her blood, ever again._ A promise as good as a lie. Each promise he had ever made, he had also broken.   
He had imagined these things to keep the nightmares away because when he closed his eyes, the violence replaced the beauty. But at daytime, when she was awake, Natsu didn’t dream of anything. It would have felt like an insult towards her. The dream was already real in front of him, in his hands, to be lived instead of dreamt away. These nocturnal scenarios he played in his head served as a continuum for the day, expanding his reality into something it could also be, in enough time.   
In the end, they had so little time.  
In enough time, maybe, they’d _one day_ have a normal life they had talked about, what she secretly dreamt of. Natsu knew she ached to be a parent for more than just cats. Despite having said he didn’t want it, how it wouldn’t be fun, maybe one day the fun adventures would lose their charm and the thrill would wear off, and he’d only want to go home. Home, to the scent of green tea with ginger and elderflower, the rustling sound of the turning pages, and tiny feet waddling through the house to embrace him and call him _dad._   
That would have been what Igneel wanted. Igneel wanted to see him growing up, how he’d live on after him. Those were his last words, that he would always be in Natsu’s heart, following his journey of life.  
_ Are you proud of me now, Dad? _  
Natsu's chest tightened until he couldn't breathe. The snow kept falling on him, melting the moment it hit his skin, water stinging at where his guildmark had been. He lifted his trembling hands in front of his eyes. Dried blood formed figures and patterns on his skin, the rusty essence which the future had turned into. It wasn't just her blood. It was the blood of the future. Though eternally sharing the heavens, the sun and the moon could never exist on the _same_ sky, at the same time.   
One day was gone, and the dreams were dead.  
He should have believed the nightmares. As creations of his unconscious, they were prophecies, after all. The demon had known what would eventually happen, and she had known, too. She had been so calm when Natsu had told her about the nightmare. _It wouldn’t change a thing_. She had known, she had stayed, and she had died.  
There was only _one day_ left when he wouldn’t feel this pain anymore, and it was the day he’d follow her to the grave. It wouldn’t be long. Once before, the thought of impending death had been so calming, consoling, but now it tore his heart apart. He knew there was no afterlife. He’d never meet her again. He’d never get a chance to apologise. Apologise for not jumping off that cliff a minute earlier so she would have never met him in the first place.  
He curled up into a tight ball, leaned his forehead against his knees and waited. Like a dragon guarding its treasures, E.N.D laid on the grief, powerless from the mourning, and all Natsu could do was wait for the light to fade and the red to return. And he shivered from fear.  
_Why don’t I feel safe, when I see what I’ll eventually have to face?_

\---  
  
The black dragon of the apocalypse soared through the shower of falling snow, pierced the stormclouds and let out a deafening screech. Zeref watched its approach with a smile on his lips while Irene lifted her hands to the sky.  
”Are you really going to do it?” the black wizard asked, amazed by the magnificence of Irene's magic he sensed. ”Use _that_ spell?"  
”Now is the perfect moment”, Irene answered. ”It’s time to start slaughtering fairies.”  
A bright red light burst from the earth, engulfing the area in its grasp. Acnologia caught in the light and disappeared from sight as it spread, spread and spread as far as the eye could see. Tides of the Dragon Queen's magic wiped over the entire country, dissolved mountains and dried the rivers, and formed them again someplace else.   
Zeref disappeared into the red light as well, so did every living being upon the spell's reach. It enchanted every atom, even the smallest pieces of dust, remodelling the entire geography of Fiore.  
And when the red light faded, Zeref found himself at the doorstep of Fairy Tail. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter took so long to come up! I'm not fully satisfied with this chapter, but I think the next ones will be easier to write.  
A lot of the final arc of the canon isn't included in this fic, but Irene's Universe One I chose to use. It's a good push for the story to move forward, and interesting magic to work with.


	27. BONES OF THEM ANGELS

_”Into the future of my days_  
_I look through all the gates_  
_where I've blocked the way_  
_due to my mistakes_  
_But if a circle cannot break_  
_Then why don't I feel safe_  
_When I see what I eventually will have to face_  
_When day turned into night_  
_I lost my way_  
_All the signs were so bright that I went blind to one detail.”  
_Hallatar – My Mistake

_"Are you well, Natsu Dragneel?”  
_ He had almost fallen asleep by the time an elderly voice awakened him from his catatonic state. Distantly, Natsu remembered the calm tone. He lifted his face from his knees and opened his eyes. Long, snow-white hair of an old man swayed in the wind.  
”Had a rough day?”  
The mountains had disappeared from the horizon, and the oak was gone. The forest had changed into snowy plains as far as the eye could see. Natsu stared at the elder with his bloodshot eyes. A stein of ale and a bowl of ramen associated with the old man’s face.  
The elder glanced at his wounds and scoffed. ”For me, this has been the roughest day in years. I was cooking for my patrons, and then I wound up in here. Hopefully I remembered to turn off the stove. Otherwise, my inn will be burned to the ground when I return.”  
_This_ old man was supposed to be hundreds of miles away. Natsu remembered him now. Had the whole world been turned upside down while he had rested?   
”How’s she doing? The one whose life you saved?”  
The question made his ears ring. Natsu sunk his nails into his legs as he remembered her laughter. She had laughed for the first time when he had forgotten the keys inside the room, and now the laughter faded.  
”I killed her”, Natsu grunted. ”You still think I’d have a special place in her heart?”  
The elder wasn't surprised. He just sighed.  
”You should ask her when you meet again", the innkeeper answered. "The bones of the beasts and the bones of the angels become dust all the same. In the end, all is dust, no more than a breath on the wind.”  
Natsu shook his head. _What's an angel like you ever doing with a demon like me?_ Even to this day, he didn't know. And he'd never get to ask. The dust could not speak.   
”I have no need for any of your wisdom. You said I’m the light which sparked in her night. That light left her blind, forever. It will be my turn soon. Now _go_.”  
The elder's gaze penetrated through him, evoking an irresistible urge to blind those eyes as well. Natsu didn't want to be looked at. Like a dragon shedding skin, he felt bare, unprotected - and couldn't afford anyone to see what was in.   
”You think your time is nearing its end?” the old man asked. ”I’ve lived long enough to see when a person has not much time left. I can see it from their eyes. And I see an eternity in yours.”  
Natsu pressed his fists into balls. ”An eternity with my hands stained in the blood of the one I loved?”  
”Yes. Your life is nowhere near its end.”  
”You pour beer and serve meals. You’re an innkeeper, not a mystic. Don’t give me any prophecies. I fucking hate them.”  
”And as an innkeeper, I’ve seen many eyes, many lives, many of which returned, and many of which didn’t. You should tread carefully, Natsu Dragneel. Be wary of the steps you take from here on.”  
He needed no advice. He needed solitude, room to take his own steps, even though they'd be mistakes. No-one could tell him what to do. _No-one._   
”I don’t care which steps I have to take as long as they lead me out of this hell", Natsu spat out.   
”That exactly you should be wary of”, the elder said. ”You’re just sad, not angry. Don’t let your anger lead you astray.”  
_ You’re just sad._  
_ Not angry._  
Burning hot tears built up behind his eyes, but he swallowed them away. An old, familiar sting spread in his veins as his blood began to boil. The dragon shed its scales and changed within as the demon awakened. It rose up from the grief it guarded, stretching its reptilian limbs, readying to drive the intruder away.   
”If you want to live, you’ll turn around and run. Run as fast as you can, as far as you can. _Now._”  
But the old man stood his ground, not moving an inch.  
”If I believed in any gods, I’d pray for your salvation”, he said. ”But unfortunately I don’t.”  
Those became his last words when E.N.D crawled out from the sorrow's lair and released its flames.

\---

The red light had swallowed everything.  
Suddenly, right before Mavis revealed how she’d lift Zeref’s curse, a bright red wave washed over the guildhall. As her first reaction, Lucy grasped on her keys and held on them tight. When the redness released its hold around her, the guildhall was gone. Everyone was gone. The tide had thrown her into a frosty forest far, far away.  
”Gray? Happy?” she called and rose up, wiping the snow from her blue coat. ”Cana? Wendy? Mavis?”  
Unsettling feeling welled inside of her. No-one answered, but she didn’t feel alone. Her heart thumped like a drum. Dried leaves rustled as they broke under someone’s feet. She held her keys and reached for Loke’s as the steps drew near. Multiple steps.   
”Gate of the Lion, open!” she summoned, swinging the key through the air like a sword. Loke appeared upon her call, clad in his black suit and gleaming orange hair. ”What the hell has happened? Where is everyone?”  
Loke pulled her behind an oak tree and shushed. ”Enemies are near. I'll explain later if I can.”  
Lucy glimpsed behind the trunk. Ten strangers emerged from the forest to the small open area. All of them wore a similar, black uniform and a staff resembling a scythe. They had to be Zeref's soldiers.   
”Stay hidden, Lucy”, Loke ordered. ”I don’t like the magic these guys have. Don’t join the battle until I ask you to.”  
Their magic reminded her of the kind she had felt at Tartaros. Stark and black, with ill intentions. Loke stepped forward, catching their attention. Lucy struggled to press herself against the tree and stand still. Her heart ached to join the battle and stand by her spirit as he took on the enemy.  
Right before Lucy gave up to the urge and followed Loke, a wave of black magic pushed her down. Loke’s gate closed as the magic washed over him, taking down all of his strength in an instant. With shaking hands, she reached for her keys again. Who’d she summon if Loke was out so fast? Who'd have the power to defend against them? Aquarius would, but she was gone.  
”Gate of the Golden Bull”, she whispered at Taurus’s key. ”Open -”  
A scythe struck the tree she leaned against. Lucy flinched and fell on her knees. Blood stained the golden key as the blade had grazed her hand. She turned around, right on time to dodge another strike. Only one of them attacked while the others stood back and watched.  
_ Do you think I’m this weak, not worthy of a proper battle?_ She got up and reached for the whip on her waist. _I am a daughter of Layla Heartfilia and I won’t go down so easily!_  
The whip wasn't there. She had forgotten it in the guild. Lucy gulped. The enemy’s lifeless eyes stared right into hers with only one desire: to kill. She stepped back, trying to gain a distance, but the enemy followed her slowly like a predator preparing for a lunge. They enjoyed the slow chase. She couldn't give them an opening. The moment she’d summon Taurus, the scythe would cut her in half.  
From the corner of her eye, Lucy noticed a movement. Another black cloak and no sensible presence or magic. Lucy’s legs tangled on the branches. She fell on her back and shielded herself with her hands as the blade neared her a way too fast. She’d rather lose her arms than her life.  
_ Am I really this weak? _Lucy felt so hopelessly frustrated.   
But then the weapon dropped right next to her as the enemy withered to red dust. The blades sunk to the soil as one by one their wielders fell apart. Lucy peeked through her fingers as the black figure approached her.  
”Lucy?” the comer asked with a familiar voice. ”Are you alright?”  
Lucy recognised Haru as she lowered her hood, revealing brown curls and fresh bruises. She gave her hand and Lucy took it, pulling herself back up.  
”I… I think so”, Lucy stuttered, struggling for breath. ”What the hell just happened? What are these… creatures?”  
Haru glanced at the fallen staffs which remained of the group of reapers. It almost terrified Lucy how Haru had shattered all of them in seconds while she hadn't been able to do anything. And as Haru didn't even have any aura to be sensed, Lucy understood why Gray had referred to her as a wielder of extremely dangerous magic. She took everyone by the surprise in so many ways, both enemies and friends.  
”This is Universe One, my mother’s spell. It enchanted the entire country by turning the geography upside down and casting all living beings in random places. I never thought she’d actually be _stupid_ enough to use it”, Haru explained. ”And these were Zeref’s soldiers. They’re former mages from the guilds he corrupted and brainwashed. I've fought against them quite a lot. Zeref used them to train me.”  
Lucy blinked. Her head felt so light.  
”Your mother’s spell?"   
”My mother is one of Zeref's three generals, but I can tell you more later. We should look for the others. If I found you so quickly, it means that the other members might be close. We might have wound up thousands of miles apart as well."  
It had to be the bond of Fairy Tail which had kept them close to each other. That gave Lucy hope.   
"Do you have any idea where to go?" Lucy asked.  
"Not really. The most important thing is to find Mavis. She's somewhere out there, possibly alone and unprotected. We have to find her before Zeref finds her first.”  
Lucy nodded. The situation was urgent. Not for just Mavis.   
”And we have to find Natsu before he finds Zeref", Lucy reminded.  
Haru's expression darkened. Mavis's demand had truly put her in between a rock and a hard place.   
”I know”, she sighed and held the satchel on her waist. ”It’s so strange. I lived my life in Zeref’s archives, surrounded by thousands and thousands of books, and all I dreamed was having a real living friend. And the only friend I ever found turned out to be a _book_.”  
Lucy looked at her and struggled to understand why she had been so reluctant towards this girl. Seeing her with Natsu in that newspaper photo had felt like a knife struck through the heart. Now Lucy felt no rivalry, only sympathy. The way Haru had protected E.N.D's book when Gray suggested destroying it only told how much Natsu meant to her. And now Lucy could understand why. She was so lonely.  
”Natsu won’t be the only friend you’ll ever have”, Lucy consoled. ”He will remain as the one who got you into this guild. He got me into Fairy Tail as well. I’ve known what it’s like to be alone. All of us have known.”  
Haru’s eyes narrowed a bit. ”Why are you suddenly so kind to me?”  
Lucy didn’t wonder why she had suspicions on her intentions. She hadn’t exactly been the paragon of friendliness lately.   
”It’s that… I apologise for having my prejudices”, Lucy said. ”I’ll admit it, I was jealous of you. I wanted to have what you had. But then I realised… I realised that because you two are what you are doesn’t mean I can’t have him in my life and love him as a friend. As I was supposed to love him from the very beginning.”  
Haru smiled sadly. Lucy felt like she already knew.   
”You’re important to him and he cares for you deeply. That hasn’t changed.”  
It comforted Lucy that Haru spoke of Natsu in present term instead of past. To them, he wasn't gone. Not yet.   
"I talked with Natsu before he left", Lucy said. "I tried to... Hell, I don't even know what I tried. Make him stay with us, maybe. That's when Gray told me to stop breaking myself. Over these last months, since Happy came back and told me what happened, Natsu took over my mind. Each day broke me more. The fear of losing him, and how the fear came more real every day. And then I lost him. I was there when he died. His heart didn't beat anymore and all I could feel was _relief_ that it was over, finally. A moment later he walked out of the door we closed forever. And I just don't know what to do. What to feel. I'm torn between not wanting to lose him ever again and knowing letting him go is the only rational thing to do. I don't know why I'm saying all this to you, but maybe... maybe you understand me."  
Lucy stopped her monologue as words just kept flooding from her mouth. A stone rolled away from her heart, a stone which had been pulling her down for too long.   
"I'm sorry, Lucy. I brought him back because I couldn't bear the thought of being alone again. If I had just let him go -"  
"You did what your heart told you to do", Lucy reassured with an empathic smile. "If there's anything we can do to save a comrade we'd do it, that's what Mavis told. That's the foundation of our guild. And as wrong as it sounds, because of that, Mavis found out a way to defeat Zeref and prevent a disaster. I believe everything happens for a reason."  
"I don't. There is no plan, just random coincidences, both lucky and unlucky", Haru said. "But the worst thing is Natsu knew this would eventually happen. He had nightmares. This wasn't even the first time he lost control. I can't even imagine the mood he has to be in."  
"He thinks he killed you."  
"And that's a very dangerous thing."  
"I know. E.N.D has awakened, I saw it with my own eyes. But Natsu isn't gone. He's still there. It makes it even harder to say goodbye. It's like he's in a sinking ship and all we can do is watch him go down."  
Haru gave her an enigmatic look.  
"But we'd do anything to save a comrade, wouldn't we?” Haru asked. "Who said we have to say goodbye?"  
"You'd still try to save him?" Lucy wondered. "Even after what Mavis told us?"  
"I will. I used to think that I'd save myself by saving him. I still do. It’s like he’s the sinking ship and I’m the captain, you know what I mean? Me and Natsu, we both were in a dark place. We had lost our way, lost our sight for the future. Together we found the light. This doesn't have to be the end. I might be wrong, it might be a mistake, but that's what I want to do. For him, but also for me. Call it co-dependency if you like. I call it my choice."  
Lucy admired her determination, but couldn't help to feel sad.  
"I really appreciate that, but... don't go break yourself as well."  
"I won't. What happened earlier was because of his power clouding over mine. And mine is stronger than his."  
On that Lucy had no doubt.  
"We should go look for the others", she said. "And hey... thank you. For saving me. And still trying to save Natsu."  
Haru smiled at her, faintly.  
"You should start writing again, Lucy."  
The sudden advice hit right home as if she had seen straight into her soul. It had been a year since Lucy had written a single word on her novels. She had completely forgotten about them - and lost a part of herself, too.   
Lucy knew what she'd do when it would be over. It depended on them if her new story would be a tragedy or not. 

\---

_Would you be there, no matter what kind of demons I’d find in the shadows?_ _You wouldn’t be afraid, even when I am?_ She had promised she wouldn’t be as long as he’d be right beside her. And even now, she wasn’t afraid. Not of him. She was afraid of the ultimatum Mavis had given, and losing the future they had imagined.  
Haru wrapped the black cloak tighter around herself. The air had changed completely in one day. During the days of the rebuild, autumn had made its final surge before succumbing under winter’s frigid hold. A dress and thin tights had been enough two days ago, but now she shivered from cold. The cloak hung loosely on her, reaching her feet and protecting her from the wind, yet it still failed to bring her any warmth. It brought her longing. It smelled of him, of smoke. And blood.  
_ You should have seen him._  
That scared her the most. No words in this world would make her believe it, but would _seeing_ him kill her hope? Would seeing him break her heart and convince her he'd be better off dead? As if there weren't enough silver daggers in the world already. Only now she understood how much the weight of that blade must have hurt him.   
There hadn't been a sign of anyone in hours. Haru and Lucy had walked in circles, looking after each rustle of a leaf, and found no-one. Haru almost hoped Natsu would go berserk. At least then he'd be easier to find.   
And then, there was finally a lead. A dead soldier in the ground, crushed under a pillar of iron. Not a pretty sight.   
”How many of these soldiers does Zeref have?” Lucy asked.   
”Around 300 000 at best, but I don't know how many of them have joined the battle. He’s not looking to conquer anything, only to annihilate those who stand in his way. Of all the emperors of history, he’s probably the only one who goes into a battle looking for his own death.”  
Lucy sighed. ”That’s still too many."  
”Even though we’re scattered around, so are they. It’s not as grim as it seems. Taking all of them at once would be impossible even for me.”  
"It's hard to believe something would be impossible to you", Lucy said. "I can’t believe Mavis gave that spell to _me._"  
Haru blinked her eyes. ”What spell?”  
”A spell called Eternal Fairy Sphere”, Lucy explained. ”Do you know how the Fairy Sphere works?”  
Haru nodded.  
”Well, Mavis gave me a stronger version of it. It’s supposed to seal members of Fairy Tail inside the protective sphere as long as the threat exists. Even for an eternity."  
Haru fell silent, pondering over the endless scenarios that magic could bring. If it could protect someone else than a member of Fairy Tail, it would work as a prison... for an eternity.  
A blue spot against the snow caught Haru's attention. A small creature lied on the ground thirty feet in front of them.  
”Someone’s there.”  
”That’s Levy”, Lucy gasped. ”Levy! Are you all right?”  
Levy couched and turned around, body helplessly trembling. A cut ran down from her shoulder to her chest, having torn apart her orange shirt. Her glasses lied next to her, broken to pieces. Lucy ran to her and lifted Levy into her arms. Haru followed.  
”Where’s… where’s Gajeel?” the blue-haired girl stuttered weakly. Haru gazed around, but there was no sign of the steel dragonslayer. Only Zeref’s dead soldiers and bloodstains on the snow, and a horde of steps which led further into the forest.   
Lucy tried to calm her down. ”We’ll find him for sure, but you have to rest. You’re wounded.”  
”It’s nothing, we have to go after him -”  
”You have to rest. You might lose the baby if you -”  
”It doesn’t matter, Gajeel is in danger -”  
Haru turned towards them, wondering if she had heard right. She gazed the blue-haired girl from head to toes. _Shrimp_, they called her.   
"Lose the baby?" she questioned. "You're pregnant? Even though you're so small?"  
”Now isn’t a good time to comment on people’s sizes”, Lucy pointed sharply. ”She needs help.”  
Haru embarrassed for her inappropriateness. ”I can try to do something.”  
She stooped down to the injured girl. The soil had stained her shirt and stopped the bleeding. However, stopping the bleeding with mud usually ended up in a septic shock. Haru placed her hands on Levy’s chest and cast a white light.  
”What are you doing?” Lucy asked.  
”Breaking the soil particles into nonexistence and killing the bacteria from her wound. Otherwise, she’ll die from infection”, she explained.  
”But isn’t your magic supposed to be dangerous?”  
”It has been said that those who know how to heal also know how to kill. It works the other way around, too.”  
Haru closed her fingers when she was finished, and the light went out. Her chest tightened from another memory. Everything reminded of him. She remembered the woodshed and Natsu’s infected arm. _Why are the others able to smile while I am not?_ He had asked, crying. _They remember death is not the opposite of life. Death is the opposite of birth. Life is eternal. The ones you love remain here in your heart, even after they are gone._ She hadn’t understood his sorrow then. She had never lost anyone. Now she might, and she’d do anything to believe her own words.  
Haru turned away from Lucy and Levy as tears crept up into her eyes. She didn’t want to cry, not until she’d hold his cold dead hand for one last time and say goodbye. He wasn’t gone, not yet.   
Haru looked up to the skies and saw smoke. The horizon filled with burning pyres as columns of fire rose skyward. Suddenly, her heart filled with warmth.   
”Natsu is there”, she said quietly.  
Lucy’s eyes turned towards the sky. ”You should go. I’ll stay with Levy.”  
Haru agreed, and then she left. _Good luck_, she heard Lucy whisper behind her.   
  
The forest ended into an open field of snowy plains. Her legs ached from the running and air swirled thin in her lungs, but she couldn’t stop. She stepped into the frosty grass and continued towards the fire. Yet the remains of Igneel were gone, this fire reached even higher and hotter. These were the flames of E.N.D. The ones which would set the whole world on fire.   
Haru held onto the satchel where the book was, knowing she could end it all with a weapon as mighty as a mere pen. As she got closer to the fire, to the intensity of its heat, she knew she’d need to listen to her reason over her heart. E.N.D had stopped mourning. It might not recognise her, it could attack her and kill her in an instant, yet she foolishly wanted to try. Give him a chance. Give the future a chance. She had to be stronger and smarter than Zeref’s mightiest demon, and it wasn’t an easy task. She didn't know what to do.  
The grass turned into smouldering cinders the closer she got. A charred body lied here and another there, still holding onto their staffs and scythes. The scenery was just like her dream. A world of ashes. A taste of the world E.N.D would leave in its wake. She ran to a hill, her chest burning from exhaustion. But from there, she saw him, on the bottom of the hill. Surrounded by soldiers burned to death. _Fairy Tail wizards don't kill their enemies,_ he had said. Now, only a bleeding wound remained of where his guildmark had been.   
_ You should have seen him. You'd let him go without a second thought._  
Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked at him. His pink hair swayed in the wind. A familiar presence with a familiar shell, both of separate beings in one creature. E.N.D sensed her approach and without turning around, he cast a firestorm directly at her. She embraced it, let it hurt, knowing it wouldn’t harm.   
”Natsu!” she shouted through the flames. He turned around. She forced herself to be brave. ”What’s with that _you’re supposed to be dead_ face?”   
He stared at her in shock as the flames faded and the smoke dissolved towards the grey sky. The groan of a dying soldier next to her was the only sound. Haru shot a bullet of white, disenchanting light through the soldier’s skull, silencing him. She looked deep into the demon’s eyes and saw the hell which had once been her sun.  
”Because you _are_”, a familiar voice answered. ”I killed you. You're not real. You're a ghost haunting me. You're dead.”  
What Lucy had said was true. Natsu was still there. Haru couldn’t say which one of them talked right now – the man or the demon. Haru wiped her tears and stepped down the hill.  
"I'm very much alive. Natsu -"  
He took a step back for each step she took closer to him. "Stay away from me."  
"Just listen -"  
"I killed you. You're dead."  
"Natsu -"  
"I don't know what you want but I'm going to kill Zeref and then all of this will be over."  
His voice shivered as he spoke. Haru reached the bottom of the hill, and he kept falling back. Each step took him further away from her. She wanted to run into his arms and embrace him until everything would be okay, not over.   
"Let me -"  
"I'm not going to insult you with an apology. I will go now. Don't come after me. Please. I don't want to hurt you again."  
Haru shook her head. "You can't kill Zeref."  
"Because I would die, too? You wanted to end your life after finding out what that man did, killing an entire village while searching for you. You thought you couldn't carry on with that death on your shoulders. Then think about me - all the death and suffering Zeref has caused during these fucking four centuries are because of me! How can you even _ask_ me to live on with that burden?"  
That was Natsu speaking. No doubt. His skin was so pale and his eyes so horrified that Mavis's words proved true. He was scared of the demons he had finally faced. Scared, and all alone. The ship had already sunk.   
"Your existence had also brought many good things into this world. The guild exists because of you. I exist because of you."  
He stopped. "And I destroyed it all. I don't know my own strength when I destroy everything. I'm going to kill Zeref now and nothing can stop me. Not even you."  
"Natsu, listen to me. Zeref -"  
"There's nothing in the world that you could say to make me stay!"  
Tears rolled down her cheeks. In greatest despair, Haru pulled the book from the satchel and raised it into the air. "If you don't stop that bitching and listen to me right now, I'm going to take this book and bind it into my name, so you'll have to kill me if you wish to die!"  
The demon fell silent in terrified awe.  
"There it is", Haru sighed. The shouting had exhausted her voice. "Now, you're going to listen to _me_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing has been hard lately. I don't know why but all these latest chapters have felt like big pieces of crap. I'm my own biggest critic and self-doubt is an author's biggest enemy.  
I've decided that there will be 8 more chapters after this, including an epilogue. 8 chapters and then this will end. I can't believe this story will be over soon. I'll try to get a new chapter out each week, but I also want to be sure the quality is as good as it can be, so it might take longer for some chapters to be written.  
Anyway, thanks to everyone who has read this so far. Hope you've enjoyed it.


	28. LAW

_”The words you said, were they all lies?_  
_Or did you just change your mind_  
_when you saw that I was weakened by your eyes_  
_I know your world is far from mine_  
_But in my heart, we still entwine_  
_I don't know why you reached inside_  
_all my border-lines.”_  
Aleah – Inverted Enlightenment

  
The silence lasted for an eternity.  
Haru squeezed the cover of the book as her hand tired from holding it up. She kept her eyes locked with the demon, as a contest of which one of them would give up first. He could charge at her any second and steal the book from her, but he didn’t. He waited. He gave her a chance to say what she got to say, but the words crumbled on her tongue. It had taken all of her strength to form the latest ones. She wasn't much of a liar.   
In a matter of a day, Natsu had changed completely. He had never come back to_ life_. He had only come _back_. And now she faced Zeref’s strongest demon eye to eye. With all the dead soldiers around, she was almost afraid of _not_ being afraid of him. There was a thin line between courage and madness, and she had never felt so mad before.  
_ If I let him wait any longer, he’ll realise I can't do it._ Haru lowered the book and took a deep breath.   
”Zeref has made a mistake”, she started finally. She wiped her tears and spoke loud, making herself appear stronger than she felt. E.N.D would only listen to her if she’d be strong. ”Killing a person with the curse of Ankhseram won’t erase the curse. If you kill Zeref, he’ll stay in the world like Mavis. And as your existence is tied to Zeref’s, you wouldn’t disappear. You, and all the other demons Zeref created, would seek for him for an eternity. And you'd go insane in front of that impossible task.”  
Haru closed her eyes for a second. Grief tied her lungs in chains, pressuring them to the point of collapse. But she refused to be strangled - she had to lock the _demon_ in chains, not herself. Natsu stared at her, still dead silent, thinking. E.N.D _considered_ the weight of her words if they were heavy enough to suffocate the bloodlust.  
”How can you know?” he asked then. His tone was calm. ”How can you be sure?”  
She swallowed the lump in her throat. Mavis’s knowledge was all she had, and she had refused to believe. How could E.N.D believe her if she didn’t believe it either?   
”Mavis told me”, Haru said and paused. She hesitated, looked deep into Natsu’s eyes. The shades of green, the shades of summer were gone – the lights had blinked out. The truth pierced her soul and there was nothing left to deny. ”Do not kill Zeref. Not because of me. If you kill him, you'll turn the whole world over to find him and tear his heart out, but he'll be gone without a trace. So you would just… you would turn the whole world over.”  
The long silence tortured her again. Seconds crawled forward and his eyes revealed nothing. She couldn’t read the demon’s thoughts as he hid his intentions behind the stone-cold mask. But when he finally spoke, she feared his words more than his silence.  
”If that’s true, I know how to die”, Natsu said. ”At least Zeref wouldn’t be a danger to anyone else, anymore.”  
Haru shook her head. She hadn’t hoped for that kind of response. Her plan was failing.  
”You think E.N.D would just terminate himself? No. You wouldn’t do it. Just like you didn’t do it back then.”  
”I didn’t do it back then because of -”  
”_Me?_ I changed nothing. If you really had it in you, to take your own life, you wouldn’t be here now. Just like I wouldn’t be here either. We don’t want to die. We want to be_ saved_. So let me help you. Natsu -”  
”There’s no future for me, no matter what happens. Did you forget that? I am going to kill Zeref and if that bullshit is true, I’ll tear my own heart out. Simple as _that._”  
Haru knew he wouldn’t. That was Natsu speaking. E.N.D would never give up before Zeref’s entire existence would have been wiped out. Natsu might have control now, but after Zeref’s defeat… he _wouldn’t. _  
”If you kill Zeref, Mavis won’t be able to lift the curse”, Haru continued her desperate try. ”We have to help her. They deserve to rest.”  
Natsu’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. Haru's strength faded and she put the book back to the bag.  
”What made you change your mind?” Natsu asked.  
_ If I’d just remember what happened, what I said..._  
”I’m trying to prevent you from causing a goddamn apocalypse”, she cried in frustration. ”Trust me, I’m just as scared as you. Scared of not finding a way.”  
”A way to what?”  
”To stay with you.”  
”Stop searching. It’s already over.”  
Snowflakes fell on her hair and tingled her cheeks. The tears she couldn’t hold back any longer masqueraded as drops of melted snow rolling down her face. All of sudden, she felt like she talked to a stranger. She had stood still for too long and took a step closer, and Natsu moved back in return. He tried to push her away, form a boundary where there had never been one.   
”I just can’t imagine you wanting me to give up”, Haru whispered. ”To give up on you.”  
Natsu’s face softened, but only a little. He looked away from her eyes, fearing to soften even more.  
”If you meant any of the things you said, give up. Give up on us.”  
”I don’t remember what I said. I don’t remember anything.”  
”It doesn’t matter. You know what I’m talking about.”  
_ Have you ever seen the hell in someone’s eyes and loved it anyway?_ At that moment, there had been too much empty space in between them which was only meant to be closed. And as she looked into the hell in his eyes she still couldn’t help the desire to dive headfirst into those flames. She felt so cold.   
”You promised me”, she said silently and walked towards him. He didn’t back off now. ”You promised me you wouldn’t leave me alone in this world.”  
”And I promised I wouldn’t hurt you, but I did. And I’ll do it again. It’s better to be alone than continuously hurt.”  
”That wasn’t you, it was the -”  
”Look at me.”  
Natsu pinched her arms and pulled her closer. Haru’s heart skipped a beat. She raised her head, looked straight into him and the cold replaced with warmth. The flames burnt, but they didn’t harm. They never would. Even if they did, she'd choose being burned alive over solitude without a second's doubt.  
”What do you see?” Natsu asked.   
She touched the cut on his cheek, wiped away the blood and ashes. ”I see you.”  
It had to be the love in her eyes which made him sigh and avert his gaze. It broke the demon apart. It broke_ him_ apart.  
”Please, stop that”, he scoffed. ”You should be afraid of me. I want you to_ hate_ me.”  
”And what do you see when you look at me?”  
”Something I don’t deserve.”  
”Natsu -”  
”I’m in pain”, he muttered. ”I’m in so much pain I can’t even describe it. My mind is fading. I wish I had already died. I was happy when I felt life leaving me. I thought I got to die as myself, not as a demon. Then there was light. It pulled me back. And I’ve been in this _insane_ pain ever since, and it keeps growing every moment. If you had enough power to pull me back from the depths of death, you can surely put me back there. I know I don’t have the right, but that’s all I ask. Put me back to death. Let me die as Natsu.”  
Haru wrapped her arms around his thin body and pressed her face against his chest. She shuddered as weeping shook her like a lifeless doll. Gently, his hands found her back and moved closer to her neck. Warm fingers groped the back of her head, trailing her repaired skull, feeling if she was truly alive.   
She had given him life, paid the highest price, and he would not take it.  
”Do you love me?” he asked.  
Haru couldn’t speak. She nodded, hard enough to let him know she wasn’t just trembling. Natsu stroked her hair as a response.  
”Then love me enough to let me go.”  
”I don’t want to”, she answered so quietly he could barely hear.  
”That’s how I felt when you gave me your dagger and told me to put it through your heart. You said it’s the only way. This is the same. This is the only way.”  
”And we were supposed to find a way to heal me so you wouldn’t have to do that. So we could be together. We'll do the same now -”  
”But that’s impossible, and we’ve known it all the time. We were doomed from the very beginning. All you can do is accept it. I already have.”  
”Don’t say that.”  
”Or what? You’ll bind my life into yours, so I’d suffer longer and die through even more horrible fate? That’s not love. That’s cruelty.”  
Haru clutched her fingers into his back. _Living in a world without you is living in a worthless world,_ she had thought. She couldn’t breathe as she realised that was what her world would be from there on. Not worthless. _Warmthless. _  
Then Haru looked straight past him, reached the demon’s gaze and spoke directly to E.N.D. She didn’t wipe her tears. As strength had failed her, she wanted the demon to see her weakness. Only then she’d win.  
”If you try to kill Zeref, I’ll bind your book into my name. I can’t let you do that. That would be eternal suffering.”  
Natsu nodded, shaking.   
”And if you try to do anything stupid or reckless, I’ll do it. You so much cast a single spark without my approval and I’ll do it. You’ll do as I say from here on. We’ll find Mavis and help her lift the curse. Then I'll let you die as Natsu.”  
Finally, she managed to put the demon in a chain, even though it tore her heart apart.  
”Okay”, he admitted quietly. ”On one condition.”  
”You don’t get to set the rules -”  
”Don’t make me want to stay again.”  
The silence crept back. She didn’t accept his condition, but couldn’t afford to fight back either. She pressed herself against him, basked in the warmth, finally admitting that every second lead her closer to the still, cold world. As inverted enlightenment, the darkness swallowed her sun. 

\---

Ever since Haru left, Lucy had been afraid. She feared for Levy, that the soldiers would come back, and that Natsu would kill Haru again. In her mind, the instructions for using the Fairy Sphere cleared up every moment. Even now, she could lock Levy inside of it to keep her safe. One by one, she could gather everyone into safety and as her final task, she'd save herself as well. That's what a leader would do.   
But she didn't feel much like a leader.   
”You really should take my coat”, Lucy said to Levy who shivered from the cold. ”You’ll freeze to death.”  
”You need it more. You’re the one who can fight.”  
Lucy sighed.   
"Gate of the Maiden, open!" she summoned with her golden key. "Virgo, give Levy warm clothes. She's injured."  
"As you wish, Princess", Virgo said and enrobed Levy in a matching blue winter coat. The blue-haired girl scoffed and leaned her chin to her knees. She was so tired of sitting still, but Lucy couldn’t allow her to leave yet.  
”We should be looking for Gajeel", Levy said for the hundredth time. "I can walk, Lucy.”  
”We should wait for the others to come around. Wendy could heal your wound -”  
”I'll go alone if you're not with me”, Levy said, collapsing as she tried to rise up. Virgo picked her up. ”And I’d really like if you’d come, too. We_ have to_ find him, Lucy.”  
”You’re still badly -”  
”I want to tell him I’m with his child before it will be too late.”  
”It won’t be too late. He’s strong. I know all of us will -”   
"Just look at the situation we're in!" Levy shouted. Lucy had never heard her so desperate and worried. "Zeref's army is too great, Acnologia is out there somewhere. Zeref might have already found Mavis. We are all going to die."  
”I know. One day, we will die. But this isn’t the day.”  
Lucy eyed the steps as snow began to cover them. They’d find the steel dragon by following them, but Lucy didn’t want to leave the safe place they had found. Not alone. Soon, someone would come. The flames had died on the horizon and only smoke was left. Lucy hoped Haru had succeeded. Maybe she’d come back with Natsu, and they’d have nothing to fear.  
Suddenly, a blue Exceed flew from the woods with a black one by his side. Lucy’s spirit lifted up the moment Happy landed in her arms.  
"Lucy! Levy! Are you alright?" the cat asked, snuggling against her chest. Happy’s face darkened as he noticed the bloodstains on Levy’s skin. Gladly the coat hid the worst of her wounds.  
”We were attacked, but Gajeel lured them away", Levy said.   
”We saw steps on the snow, they led us here”, Lily told. The black Exceed belonged to the steel dragonslayer, and though he was often so calm and collected, Lucy saw hints of fear in his eyes now.  
”Have you seen anyone else?” Lucy asked.  
”No. Only you.”  
Happy pointed into the horizon. ”But that smoke has to be Natsu.”  
The celestial spirit wizard nodded.   
”Haru left for him some time ago", Lucy said. "She’s still trying to save him.”  
”Lucy… is it true that Natsu left the guild?”  
”It is.”  
”Then I wish he had died.”  
Back then, Happy had been crushed by grief, but now he was scarily cool. He said that as if he had already come to terms with losing his dragonslayer.  
”You can’t say that. He’s your friend.”  
”Lucy, I remember who he was before all of this. Before Lisanna died, before he locked his heart away, and that Natsu is gone. Natsu would never leave the guild. That thing that’s left of him isn’t him. And we have to let that thing go.”  
Desperately, Lucy looked at Levy and Lily, trying to find some comfort in them, but didn’t. They agreed with Happy, as painful as it was. And suddenly, Lucy felt almost angry. Angry about how easily they gave up.  
”We should go look for Gajeel”, Lily said, moving from one subject to another quicker than Lucy liked. ”I can carry you, Levy.”  
Lucy grit her teeth as she followed them into the forest. Never would have she believed she’d miss Haru, but now she did. At least she hadn't given up just yet. 

The steps led them to a site of vast demolition.  
Dozens of black bundles lied on the shore of a great lake. The rays of a setting sun reflected from the water’s surface, blinding Lucy’s eyes. She stayed back as Levy and Lily rushed to the corpses, trying to find a sign of Gajeel. Pillars of steel nailed dead soldiers to the freezing ground. There wasn’t any life left, only echoes of a battle.  
Happy stood by Lucy’s side, staring into the lake. A swan slept on a small, rocky island in the middle of the water. It hid its head under its wings, shielding itself from all the death around. Lucy hoped to be like that swan, blessed in ignorance.  
Then Levy cried, and Lucy turned her head.   
”Gajeel?” the blue-haired mage asked from one of the black bundles, significantly larger than the others. Lucy’s heart sunk. Even from the distance, she saw the steel dragonslayer’s long, black hair against the snow. He stayed so awfully still.  
Tears washed the dust from Levy’s face as she collapsed next to Gajeel. He was too heavy for Levy to lift. She bent over his chest which no longer rose on the rhytm of his breaths. Lucy stared at them blankly as the harsh reality struck her with full force. The story she was about to write had started with so much hope and would end in such a tragedy.  
Mavis’s magic resonated deep within her as if asking to be called upon before succumbing into uselessness. What would there be left to salvage if she'd wait any longer?

\---  
  
An old man’s voice called for Mavis when she opened her eyes to the world she had never seen before. Makarov offered her his hand.  
”First Master, you're finally awake. Are you alright?” asked Makarov. Mavis nodded, taking his hand and pulling herself back on her bare feet. She gazed around. Houses made of stone formed a large city, not designed by any human intelligence. Part of the buildings were upside down, most had collapsed, only a few were still intact. Snow covered the lifeless city under a white veil.  
”How long has it been since this happened?” Mavis asked with a quiet voice. ”How long was I out?”  
The connection she had regained with her body felt so faint. It faded with each beat of her heart, which had been sleeping for almost a century. Her vision blurred as if she clung on the verge of sleep she’d never wake from. The next time she'd close her eyes would be the last.   
”A few hours, maybe.”  
_ Too long._ The thought projection lacked the strength to bring dead flesh back to life, as everything in the world did. She took a step forward. A weak, staggering step took everything she had and her mind almost blacked out again. Mavis collapsed to the ground and fought against the resistance as her body tried to force her soul out again.  
"Is anyone else nearby?" Mavis asked, and the old man shook his head.  
”The whole world has been turned upside down”, Makarov explained her. ”How do you plan to defeat Zeref now?”  
”He’s waiting for me at the guild. This magic has transferred him there. I'm sure of it."  
”You can’t go alone.”  
”I have no choice. I know the risk, and I have to take it. I don't have much time left.”  
Mavis gazed over the buildings into the north, knowing deep down that the guildhall had relocated there. How far she had to go, she didn't know, but the fate of the family she founded depended on her strength.  
And she sensed in her heart she had already slept for too long. As a child, she had wondered if fairies had tails or not. Later she had questioned if they even existed. And now she knew that if they did, they were dying. There was a place for each member of the family in her soul, and one by one those places emptied as darkness suffocated the fairies' lights.  
"They are dying", she whispered and looked at Makarov. "The young. Their lives are ending because I couldn't love Zeref enough a century ago to lift our curse."  
Black figures appeared from the empty buildings and filled the streets, radiating twisted, dark magic of their creator. Mavis looked around. The same creatures arrived from every direction as if they had been waiting for her to wake up. If this magic was advanced enough to transfer Zeref into the guild, it could surely place her in the middle of an ambush.  
Makarov stepped in front of Mavis as the enemies drew near. Mavis couldn't even count them. There were too many.   
"Don't worry, First Master. I'll clean the way for you. Go save our brats."  
"Makarov, what do you -"  
The old man placed his hands upon one another.   
"Your mistake is nothing compared to mine", he said. "I should have never even considered trading the life of one my own for the sake of all the others. Zeref told me that even a father has to accept that sometimes death is the greatest act of mercy. He was wrong. A father should be the last one to ever accept that. If this is the price I pay for my sin, then be it."  
A small ball of blistering light gathered in between his hands. Fairy Law. Mavis's eyes widened from shock.   
"The more enemies there are, the more casting that spell drains your own life. There are too many -"  
"I know the young are out there, dying, bleeding. And I can't stand it! If the life of an aged soldier can give those kids a future, then I'll gladly give it up. This is where my journey ends, so it could continue for the others. Save them, Mavis. Save all of them."  
The light enveloped the area as Makarov cast the legendary spell, one of the Three Great Fairy Magics. It blinded Mavis completely as it washed over her, spreading almost as vast as the previous red. Fairy Law defeated everyone the caster's heart viewed as an enemy, leaving friends and bystanders untouched, but it came with a price. A century ago, an unperfected version of Law had judged Mavis with the curse of contradiction.  
And when the light faded, the price revealed to the First Master. Zeref's soldiers, the hundreds of them, lied dead on the ground and the road to the guild was cleared. Makarov stood frozen in the position he had cast the magic at, hands slightly open against one another. Mavis trembled as she stood up.   
Makarov had turned to stone upon his sacrifice.  
"It doesn't surprise me he faced such a martyr's end", a woman's voice said. Mavis turned around to face the stranger, not understanding how anyone could have avoided Law's judgement. A tall woman dressed in black, wearing her long, scarlet hair on thick braids. Her essence glowed with pure evil. "And all in vain. You're coming with me, First Master. Zeref is waiting - and getting tired of it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this note two months after updating this chapter but better late than never!   
Okay so the third trimester of my pregnancy hit me harder than I was prepared. Thanks to intense "mommy brain"-fog and back pain I haven't been able to write at all. But no worries, I WILL finish this fic, no matter how long it takes! I plan returning to writing in November with NaNo 2020. See you guys then <3 Thanks to everyone who has given feedback, kudos and bookmarks, they really mean a world to me and keep me motivated.


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